SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That’s it. It’s done. I’ve finally had enough. Took so many years of repeated behaviours and me not having the courage to put an end to the marriage.
I’m finally doing it. I’m sad, he’s sad, and we haven’t even told the kids yet.
It’s not what I want but I can’t go on like this anymore. Maybe my trouble with grief - mine and his and the prospect of the kids’ is what made me hang in so long.

How did you cope with it?

I still can’t, and maybe never will, get my head around how he can watch me suffer, watch himself suffer after a new discovery (went from affairs to sex workers and spent a ton of money, and again!) then go and do it again?

I worked through mine in therapy. My IC had me work through The Grief Recovery Handbook. There are exercises to go through. At the end, you write a letter and read it out loud. I read mine too my therapist. Speaking the words out loud helped with the processing.

Then, I acknowledged they're were going to be times when I needed to grieve, times when it's be sad or depressed. These are phases and would pass.

It does get better.

Thanks for your reply and words of hope. It’s such an overwhelming process…maybe why I avoided the decision for so long.

It's so nice to not have to deal with XWH and all his crappy behavior. It's so much more peaceful now.

How do you handle the grief? Mostly by acknowledging it. Feeling it. And making note that it is not forever- it is for right now.
Emotions actually only last 90 seconds. Feelings and moods last longer, but you can acknowledge that they are not forever. And with that you can feel what you need to, and then after a bit, shake it off. And by the way, shake it off is a real phenomenon. Animals do it after periods of fear or anxiety and it helps humans too. You can find videos of animals after being chased by a predator— they literally shake it off. It processes that adrenaline out of their bodies. So exercise, dance, just shake. Maybe time for a spontaneous dance party?

It takes time but I think you will see, after a period of adjustment, you and your kids being able to breathe easier, smile easier— the invisible but oppressive anxiety and low-key fear your WS brought in to the home will have been lifted. The peace is amazing.

Trust you will get through it and your kids will be in a healthier home.
You will all be okay. Better than okay.

You are obviously caring and strong— so I know you will be able to do this.

Thank you so much for the support. It’s so helpful to write when the feelings are overwhelming. Wh is back on here I’ve seen so I may stay quiet and just read for a bit.

I know how you feel. I had multiple d days and found out about recent one when I was 8 months pregnant. It was horrific and I couldn’t get my head round how someone could do this to someone they claim to love?.

I eventually realised it was because people like this, love themselves more. And that’s all it boils down too. You will feel grief and it feels overwhelming in the beginning. However I can promise you this as someone who’s now living alone with a 5 year old and a four month old alone, the relief I felt when I finally kicked him out was huge. You might not feel like this right now but once his gone you will feel it. You will know longer have to check what he’s doing, feeling the paranoia or anxiousness about the future if he will do it again. You will finally have the change to just focus on your health and happiness and your children. Believe me I’m only 6 months out from D day and having him gone for less than a month I already feel a huge weight lifted.

I still feel grief time to time. More so for my children as they didn’t deserve any of this. But it’s true when they say time heals all wounds. And I realised what I had loved was really just a facade I had built up in my own head. You deserve so much more.

Im so sorry you’re here. What helped me was quite a few things. I remember seeing the 2-5 year timeline on how long it takes to recover which allowed me to remind myself it was ok to be where I was, I remember finding an article online describing the 7 stages of grief after an affair and the author discusses how he felt, how long he stayed in each stage, and describes his overall experience. I used to read it and attempt to identify which one I was in and how long I had been there.

I started individual therapy, im still in it and that by far has been the most rewarding thing for me in so many aspects of my life beyond the affairs. I would journal a lot, identifying where I was in my entries and I learned how to have self-compassion and grace. It was a very difficult journey as I’m sure you know. I remember thinking, if I go through this then I’ll come out on the other side stronger and I won’t have to feel this way anymore.

This experience is by far the most challenging and has also been the most rewarding and life changing for me. Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Identify when you might be placing yourself in scenarios where you’re being re-injured and realize you don’t deserve those injuries. You are a gift. He can’t see your pain because he doesn’t know how, and he might not ever learn how. As challenging as it is, you’ll have to be the one that’s there for you through this. SI was a huge help for me as well.

((((Hugs))))