SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out my husband is cheating, so this is my first post. Very upset. I hired a PI (private investigator) 3 months ago on suspicion. I now know where he has been, what he has been up to and seen some text messages. So there is now evidence. I have not yet confronted him as my PI has been good about talking me off the ledge so I can lawyer up or have options. The AP is married and they have developed a physical and a love affair over 6 months. I know who she is. I am going to confront him in a few weeks, as I am selecting my divorce lawyer.

We have been married 7 years. No children. In talking to my investigator, I am considering sending my WH (and/or the AP) an anonymous email stating that I know the specifics of what they are up to and that I have proof that I am sitting on. Maybe that would throw cold water on the A, knowing that they could be busted? I don’t know if that will make him confess, or make him stop the affair or bring them together. I want them to feel nervous. Text messages I saw showed me that they are scared of getting caught. They are taking some caution now because her husband asked a few questions last week, but he has no clue. I am in a bit of shock. I stayed calm because my PI has evidence and I want to be able to use it to my advantage. He was expensive.

I want WH to know that he has been spotted and that ‘someone’ knows. (not me, not yet) I want him to look over his shoulder every day. He cares what people think of him because we live in a small town. This coming to light would be damaging to him personally. Almost zero chance we can reconcile, and trying to get my mind around D. But in the meantime, I want to see his reaction to being somewhat caught. Has anyone ever tried this? I read other posts and it seems like many people just confront right away.

If I could do it all over again, I would hold it all in until I served him divorce papers. My confrontation would just be "I know what you are doing and I want a divorce. Please have all your things out by xx/xx/xxxx" I wouldn't give him any opportunity to explain. It will let him have the opportunity to have the ground fall out beneath him and dither in the wind for a while.

Take your power back and don't relinquish any of it by letting him see you suffer, he no longer gets that kind of access to you.

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 9:02 PM, Tuesday, July 25th]

Welcome, and sorry you had to find your way here. If you haven't already I suggest reading the tactical primer and other helpful posts pinned or in the library.

As for sending an anonymous email, unless it directly benefits your safety and well being somehow its probably best not to. Right now you need to focus on protecting yourself in every way, including financially. As BigMammaJamma recommended its likely best for you to hold everything close until you are ready to serve papers, since you have already decided on divorce.

Sorry you’re here. It’s a place none of us wanted to be. I think you’re off to a solid start in dealing with this. There will be a lot of great posts and advice from members who have gone through everything you’re going through now.
I would not send the email. When you’re ready to confront your WH, I would immediately contact the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) without giving your WH any advance notice. There is an excellent chance this will blow up the A. Most A’s cannot survive in daylight. Stay strong.

Most of us confront because we cannot help ourselves.

How you are handling this is really smart.

You should be proud of how you are handing this considering how awful it is.

Your PI is a good source of information but I would not make any moves until you have your lawyer in place. Listen to them on the best way to handle this.

Honestly I think you should just follow the standard advice and expose to everyone as soon as the divorce papers are going to be served.

The only twist in your case is I would talk with the woman’s husband as soon as you are set.

Give him all the information you have as well as your lawyers number.

Might help him in his divorce.

Since you know how they are sneaking around tell him before you let your husband know.

He can catch them in the act or you can go together and serve him there.

I think some of the best revenge that will make you feel better is gift wrapping a strong legal case to her husband.

As well as letting everyone in your world know how terrible they are.

If you send the email you may still get divorced but they will stop and the woman may be able to talk her way out of trouble and escape with no consequences.

You don’t want that. Wreck both their worlds on the way out the door.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.

If you want to see him sweating it out then tell the AP’s husband. Just make sure since you’re set on divorce that you have all of your ducks in a row first.

Ask OBS not to divulge his source. (He can just claim he hired a PI.) If he sits you down for a confession tell him to save it and give him a copy of the divorce papers/hand him your lawyer’s card. Otherwise have him served at your leisure.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 8:25 PM, Tuesday, July 25th]

Hi, welcome to SI.

I'd lawyer up, then without telling your husband, gently inform the other betrayed spouse with your evidence. He has a right to know he is living a lie.

Maybe you and the other BS can coordinate confrontation day, scare the sh*t out of both of them.

The best way to end an affair is to expose it.

In my case I confronted my WH then OW. She was completely blindsided and scared to death I would inform her husband. I told her if she did not tell her husband, I would. Looking back, I should have gotten on the phone and informed him immediately.

In any event, the OW spent 3-4 weeks wondering what the hell I was going to do until she told her husband herself.

Send a copy of all of your evidence to her husband. Send it registered mail,one that requires his..and only his..signature.

One,he deserves to know. Two, it will typically end their affair.

When you do confront your husband, never reveal your sources.

I want two things: have my D papers ready and I want the affair to end. That is part of why I am considering sending an email, so that WH understand he is in trouble, but does not know it is me. I may want R, but not sure.

Yes, I may be tipping them off, but it may not matter, because the way they react will tell me all I need to know. If they get an email that basically lets them know they were seen together in the act, they are going to either end the affair out of fear of exposure or they are going to decide to both come clean and run away together. (They are in love.) If they end the affair, then maybe I can have a frank conversation with a slim possibility of R. Btw- WH says he loves me, and he treats me well, but to me it feels more distant than it was before, which is why I got the PI.

I will tell the other spouse, although that means he may be the one to break this up immediately and then everything will come out. I am trying to figure out the most strategic way to handle this.

If R is actually a possibility, my reco is to keep the info you have between you, your H, and OBS.

If D is a certainty, my reco is to keep the info to yourself and blindside your STBXH with D papers.

If his adultery will get you a better settlement, I'd still recommend keeping the info to yourself and blindside your H.

What have you done to find a good D lawyer?

*****

I urge you to focus on your own healing and deciding what you want in a settlement. You won't get much of a good payoff from focusing on him.

I don't see an immediate risk of the anonymous email if you already have rock solid proof of the affair that you can use as needed (inclduing informing the OBS when ready). However, getting your lawyer and then bouncing ideas off him/her is rarely a bad step.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You asked if anyone held onto evidence before confronting - there’s currently an ongoing thread by sadincolorado in JFO - she is currently sitting on evidence until she gets her exit plan in place and consults with her divorce attorney. You can follow the thread here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661164/horrible-devastating-updatei-am-devastated-/

Sad is waiting for the right time to confront but by her own words, it’s a living hell knowing that her WH is texting sweet nothings to his AP while pretending everything is okay between them.

There was another thread started by hopefulwife2019 here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661109/he-did-it-again-im-at-a-complete-loss-/?ap=1

Hopefulwife2019 was contacted by the OBS - that’s how she found out. The OBS gave her screenshots, photos, etc and she used this to prepare her separation agreement and is filing for D. She sat on this info 6 wks until the separation agreement was ready - she then took the document and some of the evidence that was given to her by OBS and handed it to her WH. She completely blindsided her WH. Hopefulwife2019 is now posting in the Divorce/Separation Forum.

You may find your situation is similar to these two BS’s which can help you with your next steps.

Whatever you decide - you’re not alone. We are all here because we experienced infidelity in our relationships. The goal is to get out of Infidelity- whether that’s by D or Reconciliation. Only you know what’s best for your situation. Personally I was never able to conceal my feelings or hold information close to vest. And I have much respect for BS’s who are able to hold onto info and confront later. Whatever you decide - you should always let the OBS know. He has a right to know that he’s living a lie. If you decide to email anonymously and truly want it to be ANONYMOUS with no chance of traceback to you, do not do it from any computer or device in your home. Go to the library and use a public computer. Whatever you decide I wish you well. This sucks so bad and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 10:05 PM, Tuesday, July 25th]

I’m Sorry you had to join our club. But you will get good advice here.

I would say DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!! tip your hand.

You want to have control of the following:

Bank accounts. If you tell him he could drain your accounts fearing a D.

Legal docs. If you D then you need access to deeds, investments accounts, retirement accounts, life insurance etc. you don’t want them to go missing before you have copies of EVERYTHING!

You need an exit strategy. Your PI sounds like a smart person with good advice.

Are you able to sue the OW in your state for being the OW? That could provide leverage for you (and could hurt your H too) if you can.

Play your cards close to the vest. Get your ducks in a row. Who is leaving the home. What bills need to be paid - and who pays them. Alimony. Legal fees (he should pay yours since he is the cheater IMO).

I think you know what you’re doing. Do not warn him. I think you will regret it.

Welcome to SI, I agree with others, don't let him know anyone is on to them. You should file, serve him and inform OBS simultaneously. You can always call it off if R is a possibility, but he needs to be hit upside the head with a reality punch.

I’m with the others who advise that your first confrontation should be from an ideal position of dignity, safety and control that is offered through the bracing service of divorce papers.

With the service of divorce papers you’ll get that shock and awe affect that will impress upon him, in no uncertain terms, that you’re not F’ing around, that you’re not to be F’ed with, that you’re not going to wait around for the Affair Fog to thin at its convenience.

Now, others will come along and say that service of divorce papers is overkill, a premature use of the nuclear option.

I would counter that an affair is a nuclear option that is far less reversible than a divorce. A divorce is completely reversible, can be paced, paused or halted anywhere during the process with a phone call. Reconciliation on the other hand, takes years of devout determination, mutual dedication, patience, hard work and, "The Right Stuff" in the form of requisite character and intellectual traits. If your WS possesses the The Right Stuff, divorce proceedings will not hinder, but rather put him, and you, on the most efficient track to reconciliation.

Divorce papers are not a nuclear option, but rather a proportional measured response.

I believe if your WS is not responsive to an impending divorce, that there’s little hope for reconciliation. If the reality of losing you-not the thought of, but the reality of losing you, doesn’t profoundly shake him, then what are you left to work with?

Divorce service also provides for a very professional, unemotional, detached, controlled confrontation rather than a dramatic unpredictable shit show. It sets the stage well for "The 180", if necessary. It puts you in a well guided, informed, prepared power position, a position of confidence, with momentum in your favor, setting you one step ahead of him, with clear expectations, on your terms.

Someone may come along and say that forcing someone to reconcile with divorce papers hanging over their head is a form of duress manipulation. You’re not forcing anyone to do anything. You’re enforcing your boundaries and marital contract. When you don’t enforce a rule, law, expectation or boundary, you’re passively condoning it and they will push that boundary, like a prescriptive easement.

A truly remorseful WS should innately understand this, respect it, even admire it. Understanding-Respect-Admiration are important aspects of enduring love.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:56 AM, Wednesday, July 26th]

If you are not sure you want to D (which it seems like you are not 100% sure of that) then you have decisions to make. Clearly you have enough evidence to know the A is going on, so I would say what you do with it depends on how you want to proceed.

Preliminary divorce papers in most states are quick and easy to draft - if you want to start the process then have them drafted and serve your WS as others have said. If you would like to let the cat out of the bag, without doing it yourself, you could do the anonymous email, or you could send the OBS something anonymously (not all of what you have, but something that could have been obtained by anyone), or you could enlist a friend to confront your WH. There was a poster years ago who had a friend confront the WH, claiming they had seen them with AP somewhere that the BS knew they had been together, and indicating they had not told the BS but that they planned to...and then they let the WS squirm.

BUT BUT BUT none of this guarantees what you said you wanted: the A to end. Maybe the A coming to light will send them off into the sunset together (my mom had an A with a married man - the A got blown up, he divorced his first wife, and he and my mom are married now and have been for close to 40 years) or maybe it will end in a total public blow up like my WH and is AP after d-day 3 where everyone at his work found out, and he and the AP had a screaming match resulting in their hating each other. You cannot know.

So, honestly I would just put aside the notion that the way you confront/out the A will dictate if the A will end. It won't.

Put in place whatever you need to in order to protect yourself and let it out (and inform the OBS). When I confronted my WH (I had a recording of him and the AP on speaker phone for 2 hours talking about their love etc so there was really nothing that could be plausibly denied) I did so in the parking lot of a store by our house, and I had taken his phone and left it at the house so he had no access to it. I confronted him by reading 3 sentences from their call earlier that night that I had transcribed verbatim, and then said "You have 5 minutes to decide if you are going to call OBS (they were friends) or if I am going to." He declined so I called the OBS in front of my WH. Cat out of bag. No time to warn AP. A didn't end.

Such great advice from everyone. If/when I blindside with a D plan and papers I do not plan to reveal all, will just let him know that I have hard evidence. As I am (sadly) hoping for R, I won't go public right away, but if he seems defensive etc, then I will have an email set up and ready to go to the OBS. And then wider to 50+ people.

But my question remains: does exposure of the A really end the A? Should I start with the OBS and let him do the work for me? I think my WH's weak spot is his kids. They love me, as does his extended family. Even his ex wife loves me. If they all find out, it would be really bad for him. While this is painful, I am viewing this window of time as an opportunity to be as smart as I can and put my emotions to the side and think strategically. I need everyone's brain-power on this, as I need help thinking clearly.

Most importantly, I want him to be nervous and scared that someone out there has seen him and the AP together. I want him rattled enough to end the A. He does get nervous when he thinks I am suspicious. He does NOT want this to come to light for some reason.

I may send the anon email in a week, watch his nervous reaction for a day or so and then give him the papers/ultimatum a few days later. He wont have time to get his ducks in a row, he is not organized. I am already ahead of him and will remain so. But not before I have pulled as much financial info I can, still trying to gather.

But my question remains: does exposure of the A really end the A?

Very gently, R works only when both partners want it. For you to be comfortable in a new M, you need to be confident that your H really wants to spend the rest of his life with (and vice versa - but he's given you room for a lot of doubt).

Forcing the end of the A gives the WS the choice between leaving and staying, and staying is pretty convenient. R built on the WS's convenience doesn't seem desirable to me.

R really needs to be entered freely, under no compulsion, not as a result of manipulation.

So my reco is:

1) don't expose the A in the hope it will drive your H - your cheating H who is no prize - back into your arms;

2) do let OBS know of his W's cheating, because it's important info that he needs for his mental and physical health.

You can't control anyone but yourself. WRT an anonymous email, there are lots of ways people can respond. You can't predict which one(s) your H, ow, or OBS will choose.

R also requires honesty, and manipulation isn't honest.

Be yourself. You have a good start is surviving and thriving because you know you want R. Now the question is about whether or not your H will become a good candidate for R.

But my question remains: does exposure of the A really end the A?

Exposure and the 180 is your best chance at ending the affair and having a shot at reconciliation.

Unfortunately there are no guarantees. Human beings are not math equations. Sometimes they realize how badly they’ve F’d up and do everything in their power to make it right. This is rarely instantaneous and can take weeks or even months and sometimes only comes after the point that the betrayed no longer cares.

Sometimes they upend the gas can over their heads and make a beeline for the bonfire, leaving a combustible trail of destruction in their wake.

Exposure can do one of several things. It often does end the A, but there is no guarantee. It may drive him into her embrace more quickly than just letting the A play out, they may just take it underground or, he may decide he wants to be completely single and choose to have neither of you in his life.

I do not recommend sending the anonymous letter nor telling the OBS until you are ready to confront or D. (or both!) I would get my D papers ready, and then, when you're ready to confront (and/or D) do so, and then without telling your WH, also tell the OBS. Give him five minutes to decide which he prefers, D or to try to R. If he chooses R, give him your requirements (no contact, a NC letter, IC, a written timeline and possibly a polygraph.) If he balks at any of these, let him know that your requirements are non-negotiable, and that D is the only alternative. Then follow through.

This will get you out of infidelity hell and on the road to either R or D, depending on his attitude and actions. If you're not strong about this he will lead you on a merry dance in which he calls the tune.