SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Go at your pace. You can not undo something once it is done.

Agree, I need to be smarter than him. I have come this far - need to keep moving forward with my plan.

I believe he saw AP yesterday (very briefly) for the first time in weeks. I kept my composure, but I was a little bit frosty when he came home. I made one comment that spooked him, casually mentioning that I had seen his car in xyz place, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. I could tell he was slightly nervous about what I may or may not have seen. When he came home last night he was super-husband. Telling me I need to spend more time with him when he travels, was very affectionate. I was pulling away a little. Is this a typical cheater pattern?

The only good news is that I am starting to disassociate from him emotionally. Little by little I am seeing that a life with him will never be real again. It will just be him lying and sucking up to me and me being mad and angry all the time. Even when he had his arm around me last night I was just kind of repulsed, knowing that he is not real. I look at him now and think 'what damage, sadness or evil is inside of you to turn you into a person like this?'. I really hope I am turning a corner on my feelings for him. My goal is to have zero love and then I can drop the hammer and walk.

It's just disgusting. The way a cheater will basically love bomb their spouse, all so they can placate their BS, and lull them into a false sense of security, just so they can continue their affair.

You've mentioned a few times that you believe he loves her. He doesn't. She's a dirty secret. Affairs aren't real life. He's not seen her without makeup,cleaning her kids puke up at 3am. She's not had to pick his dirty underwear off the floor,and scrub his shit from the toilet. They don't have to pay bills,amd budget together. They don't deal with family conflict. It's all a fantasy.

Almost all cheaters claim to love their spouse during an affair. IMO,it's bullshit. Something they say to make themselves, and their BS, feel better. Love is a verb. An action. There is nothing loving about cheating on your spouse,lying,exposing them to stds,etc. It's all an act.

They only love themselves. I know many believe Cheaters have low self esteem,and hate themselves. Maybe some do. But,IMO, they cheat because they're selfish. They feel they deserve all the attention a side piece and spouse can give them.

Thread hijack...

I know many believe Cheaters have low self esteem,and hate themselves. Maybe some do. But,IMO, they cheat because they're selfish. They feel they deserve all the attention a side piece and spouse can give them.

I agree with Hellfire's assessment here with the caveat that sometimes one can have low self esteem and be selfish at the same time. I think this was my WH - he craves validation because he does not feel worthy or otherwise has doubts about himself - he has figured out that this is one of his biggest issues. He also thinks, at the same time, that he is pretty great/smart/deserving of things which directly opposes what we would think of coming with low self esteem, but the mind is a complicated place.

Moreover, this "you are worthy" or "put yourself first" mantra is a "selfish" mindset. We tell the BS on here all the time they are great/worthy and to put themselves first, so some level of "selfishness" is okay - in fact it's necessary IMO. But it doesn't mean you ONLY put yourself first all the time.

- Hijack over -

At this stage, OP, you do not need to try to do some deep dive into your WH's psyche to determine why he has done what he has done. I know, it's the ultimate question: why? The answer of course is: because the WS wanted to. But I know the follow up is always "why did WS want to?" It's also the one question that none of us have the real answer to - and it can be crazy making.

For you, right now, you need to get yourself to a position of confrontation of the A - it's not going to "go away" on its own (the A might, but your WS's mindset that allowed this to happen - however it did - is not going to go away on its own). If you think you need more time to get your plan in place ask yourself how much of that is really necessary...how much of a plan do you need to confront? Right now you are living in hell - your WS isn't (or at least not in the same kind of hell). Finances can be difficult- that being said, don't let them hold your back (or use them as an excuse to not move forward - I definitely did a little of that). There is a lot more to come post-disclosure, and it's hard, but the limbo you are living is no picnic either.

I think this was my WH - he craves validation because he does not feel worthy or otherwise has doubts about himself - he has figured out that this is one of his biggest issues. He also thinks, at the same time, that he is pretty great/smart/deserving of things which directly opposes what we would think of coming with low self esteem, but the mind is a complicated place.

Same with mine. He couldn't deal with the loss of his great job which really knocked his self esteem, he couldn't deal with the death of his mother. He said that he "just wanted to feel like a King for an hour." I'm not sure why his low self esteem had such a grandiose need to rise above even just normal people and "feel like a King" but it also really spoke to the selfishness. What about his Queen? She just got a big shit sandwich.

I don't understand why you aren't confronting. You can't avoid reality. There is really no "leg up" or advantage in waiting, except a show of strength in front of someone who may not really care that much how strong you are, or not. And to avoid being gaslit. But otherwise you are just holding on to an illusion, and it's going to make your grief complicated, because you are choosing to continue being in this situation. In my opinion it's better to have things clear and simple - you never chose to be part of a marriage with three people in it, it's a violation. As soon as you find out that's the reality, you exit. Don't stick your head in the sand. He's not "trying", you are not scaring him, his frustration is that he can't have his cake and eat it too, it's not that he's feeling bad about what he's doing to you. He's not. If he were, he would stop.

Going to go with ThisIsSoLonely that cheaters cheat because they want to. Why do they want to? The closest answer I have is that they never left their childhoods behind. If they see it, they want it, they grab it. Who knows what things got in the way of their maturing emotionally. They don’t realize that postponing pleasure is a sign of maturity and, sadly, our culture encourages this. After a while it stops mattering to the bs if the ws keeps cheating. After a while leaving that mess behind looks very inviting.

Mine grew up but he still needs lots of validation.

I don't understand why you aren't confronting. You can't avoid reality. There is really no "leg up" or advantage in waiting, except a show of strength in front of someone who may not really care that much how strong you are, or not.

I agree with the exception of if you intend to leave and/or kick him out. Getting financial ducks in a row/filing for D is sometimes best done before confrontation. As I already said, if the OP is hoping to win her WS back and then never confront (rugswekep) there are countless people on this forum who can supply plenty of personal stories about how/why that didn't work.

I know I am stalling. I know. Because I know it will be the end. I am not prepared. I have no financial ducks in a row, and I don't want to be unprepared. I want to make sure I get as much as I can to escape. I know everyone thinks I am rugsweeping, which I am, but I also am not ready to confront. As many have said, once you put it out there you cant take it back. I have suffered for a few weeks, what is another 2 weeks at this point? My PI has been great - we talk every day and he is also giving me advice, good guy. Those guys see ALOT btw...he has many stories.

I know this is not sustainable. I am terrified to bring it up. Is here a thread with people where it didn't work out to do the strategy I am doing? I started out so string but now I feel hopeless and scared and I hate the sight of him all at the same time.

Rip the bandaid off, your torturing yourself.

Do get your finances secured and learn what D might look like if that should occur. You are processing a real trauma. Be kind to yourself. But this current stress is detrimental as well. Torturing yourself is not healthy. Move promptly when you are set and don’t delay. You have received excellent advice. Good luck.

Strength to you sister, you are strong; very strong. Look in the mirror and tell yourself this! WH is a fool for stepping out on you.
Look into support groups for whatever assistance they can provide or information to assist you.
Legal, financial, medical just to name a few.
Big cyber hugs from afar.
One day at a time and confront him with the confidence you show.

I'm going to give you some practical advice regarding getting your financial ducks in a row.

Pull together 3 copies each of the following for the past 3 years. Why three copies? One for you, one for your attorney and one for opposing counsel. Kinko's is the best place to make copies--don't go to Staples (I'm in the printing business).
Bank statements--all accounts
Mortgage statements
Tax returns
Credit card statements
Auto loan statements (plus make/model and year of all vehicles owned)
IRA/Pension Plant/retirement account statements
Any will or estate planning records
Information/valuation on any non-financial instrument investment (i.e art)

Next, write out all your questions so that you can address them with the attorney. Of particular importance will be any money spent on the affair, as you are (in most states) owed half of that. Gifts, etc. Hotel rooms. Entertainment.

Now, finding a good attorney. If your area publishes a city magazine, they will often run 'best of the best' on professionals, including attorneys. You want someone who specializes in family law, not a general practitioner. There are several on-line resources that list attorneys and rate them. That's also a good place to check. I don't rely on word-of-mouth, as my case was horribly difficult due to my ex's narcissism. I needed someone really good, and I was fortunate to get them.

Next, write out a timeline of your marriage. Doesn't have to be 100% complete, but when you married, when you acquired joint assets, etc. Do include the information on the affair. In the vast majority of most states, affairs don't matter, but they *do* matter in some. Include the name of the AP, her husband and her address.

Whether or not you file is up to you, but you must protect yourself. You have to advocate for yourself. He's not going to suddenly wake up and decide to be a decent human.

Cat

Hey go easy on yourself. I don't think you are rugsweeping, I just don't see any advantage to waiting, and it's SO HARD not to confront. Also, the PI has given you facts but not reality, by which I mean... it's another level of heartbreak when you realize how cold cheaters can be. I worry you are talking yourself into thinking he is tortured by guilt, torn, scared, confused, whatever. He is not. People who cheat don't think about what they do, they just do it, and most don't reflect on it very much.

If you are one of the few who is not suffering by not confronting, then it's ok to wait. It really doesn't make a difference either way, in the long run. But the main message is this - if it's causing you pain to wait, then just go ahead and confront.

And you are not doing anything wrong!!! There's no WRONG way to be betrayed. Uh, except maybe the pick me dance. But beyond that, there's really no better or worse, it's what you can tolerate.

Hi blindsided,
I appreciate the shock and numbness that can overwhelm you and leave you feeling the roller coaster of emotions as you grapple with the circumstances of betrayal and infidelity.
We get it.
So as you seek to find a way out of infidelity - we are here to support and encourage you.

Have you been able to take some of the steps that you were considering/grappling with in your past few postings?
We'd love to hear from you,
FAWH.