SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am ~4 months out past DDay. And for the most part am less triggered, have been through so many questions (none left to ask at this point that I don't know the answer to). I have been getting IC, that has helped some as well. He is making all necessary steps to show me he is putting in the effort, I SEE the changes (slowly and waaaay too soon to get excited about that -yet). He seems to have delved into what caused him to make such a horrible mistake- and seems to have a better understanding.

So what's the problem? Well a friend asked me'do you like who you are when you are with him?'- NOPE- not really, I am still suspicious, and worried this will happen again.

And to be honest, I am not sure who he is now? Like, WHO are you? I know they say the old marriage is gone, but the old him is gone as well. I no longer see the person I thought he was, I analyze his motives, watch his interactions with others. I'm not obsessing but I am observing, studying to see how I could have missed such obvious signs (I was trusting like a dummy).

So how do I rebuild my image of him? Will he be happy with less (only one partner)? Will he bored with the monotony of marriage? I know my deal breakers- and he does as well- this happens again and we're done. This his is ONLY chance. So do I throw caution to the wind and put in 110% and if it bites me so be it, or do I stay guarded, watchful and waiting for the other shoe to drop?

All I can say is, neither one of us is the same. And of course the marriage has been shattered completely so we are rebuilding from ruins.

Any thoughts anyone, did you get to this point and what did you do? How did you act, when you were past the worst of the emotions but now in this sort of limbo/observation phase?

Thanks all and hugs to you- this is so tough.

Four months is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to healing from infidelity, the consensus here is that it takes 2-5 years to heal, and some are on a longer journey.

Even though your WH seems to be doing all the right things, it's going to take a long time and consistent actions on his part to move past his betrayal.

I think staying guarded is beneficial at this point even though you want to R. Your trauma is real, the devastation is real, your marriage as you knew it is gone, and you are currently in self-protection mode which is completely understandable.

Not sure if you are past the worst of emotions bc they are definitely still raw. More than likely you are just getting over the shock phase and may enter the rage phase as most of us do. The reality is all too real with the passing of time.

I'd continue with your IC and observe your WH actions. Has he been transparent with everything and accountable for his whereabouts?

It's going to take years to rebuild your image of him, and IMO it will never be the image you had when you believed he was a faithful and trustworthy husband.

You definitely need more time, don't rush your healing.

I’m a year in and my emotions are calmer but I too observe and think a lot. I ask him to clarify everything. He’s hit rock bottom and can’t believe what he has done. He’s cut out all alcohol. I haven’t asked him to. He’s accepted he was a shit to do what he has done. He has no fond memories only feelings of disgust.

I have come to terms with what he has done. I understand the process he will have gone through. In essence I am sad because we get on well. Similar hobbies, we have so much fun together. I was very careful and never just settled. I wasn’t bothered about marriage or children. But here I am settling!

Sometimes I also don’t like who I am around him. I’m not really that suspicious - there’s no point he’s proved he can deceive me. I am not living like that. If he wants to cheat he will. But I’ve been so angry.

I am trying to work out if we can build something that is satisfying enough for me. I have multiple triggers and issues with loss. I have an issue with settling and I think what he has done is rather pathetic and sad. Something I never thought of him before. I’m not happy using certain words and things feel fake. Again I have issues with this.

My feelings are up and down and I lose the plot about once a week now. It was hourly initially.

Our reactions are normal, I do wonder if being able to reconcile is down to whether your personality fits the situation you are in.

I agree with annb - I was just coming out of shock and into anger at 4 months. It's shifted now at 8 months out but honestly it's such a rollercoaster.

This is a much longer term thing than I ever imagined it would be. Give yourself time, patience and forgiveness. It's really f**king hard. I now look at my husband of 12 years and think 'Did I ever really know you?' but I think that's totally normal. Only time will tell if we can stay together in the long term, but the work I'm doing on myself now will hopefully put me in the best emotional position to walk away if that becomes the right thing to do.

Good luck - it's tough!

I am at 4 months past DDay so still feel very new to this experience and forum and not sure how much I can actually contribute as far as answers but I can share my thoughts and where I am at.

So I am in the exact same limbo as the one you describe and it's nervewrecking and heartbreaking, he is doing all the *right* stuff but his progress is so slow (mostly in his thinking)...he still has tendencies that are selfish and forgetful even when seemingly trying his best, it will take a while for those to change and also I told him I am not going to believe anything at face value for a long time now (How many "I love you" etc did he also say to me, while seeming sincere, while cheating?).

The way I solved it (for now...) as the limbo is exhausting and I do not need that extra stress and everything, is that I have decided to go ALL in, 100% trust etc but in ME, my DECISIONS, my CHOICES (stop doubting myself, or blaming myself for trying to R, or hitting myself on the head etc).

I do not trust him 100% (or at all even!), actually anything he says could be true or not, I don't think even he knows anymore or responsibly ackowlegdes yet what is really true/false, right/ wrong (without some digging, questions etc), what he truly wants, he has created such a mess for himself, it'll take a while to even show any amount of actual progress even with every effort being put forward (and he is doing everything I ask + now more on his own as well).

So my solution = I trust myself 100% (and not him!) and going all in because it is what I decided. Whatever happens, part of it is up to him, but my choices and decisions are mine. I know he could cheat again or I could find out something more and that will be it. But I am committed to no longer ruminate constantly about how "stupid" and naive I was to miss something so huge AND choose to attempt R.

AND at the same time I am clearly and in all transparency (he knows) remaining observant, cautious, and watchful about HIM, not trusting him AT ALL (given his track record, why would I do that? It would not even serve a good purpose for him)...

I feel more at peace (relatively, as I still suffer greatly from the situation, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, pain of betrayal, anger and everything else we get "gifted" with this!) and aligned with myself, and he is more "secondary" to my own decisions and choices.

[This message edited by neverwithoutmychildren at 3:18 PM, Thursday, July 27th]

...do you like who you are when you are with him?

This was a crucial question for me. Despite the pain my W caused, I continued to like myself better with her than I thought I would without her. With my W, I thought I made better choices for myself than I would without her. That was a big element in my decision to R.

R worked because my W was consistent in doing her work. That consistency built my new image of her.

Four months isn't much time. Keep observing your WS. Build your new image on the basis of his behavior.

what caused him to make such a horrible mistake

What really caused me to take extra time to reflect was the word mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk when you're at the store. Infidelity is thousands of conscious decisions to betray you. I took a lot of time to think about XWH's actions and how the a was waaaaay more than a mistake. His crappy boundaries and actions/inactions in keeping the M between us was very telling. My deal-breaker was if he does it again, we're done...and he did it again anyway.

You are now seeing him for who he really is and the rose-colored glasses have come off.

It isn't your job to keep him happy. If he isn't happy with himself, nobody can make him happy. He needs to figure that out in IC.

I pulled the plugvafter 6 months, as I saw that my WW did not have it in hervto do the work of R and personal growth. Some people are dynamic while others are static. She was and is static. She is essentially a 54 year old version of her 20 year old self. Even after 5+ years apart, she has not evolved one iota, thus confirming my decision to D as the right one.

Your early one, so patience might be in order.

I too am 4 months out and when I read your post it is exactly how I feel. Most days I’m good although there is always a niggling thought that pops up in the back of my head of "is this really what I want to be doing?" We are also both doing IC and MC and he is making the effort to be a better partner but I wonder is he the partner I want now? Now that I know what he’s capable of it has definitely changed my perception of him. I can’t be bothered to be suspicious because he hid it so well the first time (or I was just so oblivious to it) that I figure he’ll only learn how to hide it better the next time. I don’t have the space or energy to worry about if he’s cheating again because I didn’t like the person his affair turned me into for the first 3 months so I am actively working on changing that. I knew that I wasn’t responsible for his affair but now I actually believe in my heart there is nothing I could have, or can do to make him love me, desire me or want to be faithful to me so I’m just not going to worry about it. It truly is all on him to make me believe and prove to me that he can be the partner I deserve. I’m not sure if this is the part that is referred to as the emotional nothingness or not. It is reassuring to read that other people go through this as well. I guess time will tell.

I have been divorced now since 2005 and I can't say that I am any closer to having worked through everything he caused still today.

Any thoughts anyone, did you get to this point and what did you do? How did you act, when you were past the worst of the emotions but now in this sort of limbo/observation phase?

My limbo/observation phase was further out that yours, mostly because my WH after d-day 1 took the A underground and continued it in earnest for the next year. D-days 1 and 2 occurred precisely on the same day, one being a year later. During that time I did worry it would/was happening again (not unfounded as it turned out). So, once d-day 2 happened I was devastated. He stopped the A for 3 months - the first month seemed okay, the next 2 were not fun, and then he resumed the A yet again until I caught him 2 months later. At that point I was resolved to leave him but my job and finances (and then COVID lockdown) delayed my departure. It was during that time my WH came to realize, on his own, as I was pretty much done talking, that he was a messed up person and began IC for real, for him. I could also see he was having some personal "ah ha" moments about himself. I still moved out and we are no longer married. That was close to 3 years ago now, and we still talk, and occasionally date.

In those 3 years I no longer worry about renewed "cheating" or other nefarious deeds on his part. In part because I think he has done and continues to do the work on himself to the extent that behavior would not appeal to him. But mores, because I KNOW that I will not tolerate that for one second. One inkling of that behavior and he is deleted from my contacts forever. I simply feel it in my bones that I will not deal with that for one moment. I gave way too much time already. I also spent time away - with other people - with my dogs - with myself, and for the most part, it was nice. Really nice. I understood that part of my life - checking phones, emails, etc, was over. If I get the gut feeling something is up, I'm just going to excuse myself from dealing with him anymore. If I'm wrong, that's just too bad - a consequence of what has happened. I accept that and I know it to be true. Honestly it didn't take too long after I moved out to feel that relief - the relief I was no longer a police officer in my own relationship. Maybe that would have happened sooner had I moved out between d-day1 and 2. Maybe had d-day2 not happened I would have come to that on my own eventually anyway? I can't be sure but somehow I doubt it. The distance really let me relax and accept I could not control what was going on with him and that he would continue to cheat if he wanted to regardless of my being there, as being there certainly didn't stop him anyway.

We now "date" long distance, seeing each other a few times a year but we talk all the time. My R has been about rebuilding our friendship, which was the purest foundation of our relationship anyway. So lies, of any consequence (aside from whether he really LOVES that dress on me or if it's just okay) will terminate our friendship as well.

I had a false reconciliation so my opinions will be tainted by that but I can say that the period you described, just after DDay 1, where I was always watching, waiting for him to do it again, wondering who he’s texting, if it was really his sister etc; that was the worst period of my entire life.

I left after DDay 2, and whilst it was initially equally as horrific at least each day felt like a step towards things being different one day. I was very unhappy but the weight of no longer having to worry about those things had certainly lifted.

Jambomo - I felt exactly the same - the false-R period was the WORST for. Absolute hell. IDK how I didn't get fired or inadvertently drive my car off the road accidentally because I could NOT focus on anything. In hindsight, I highly recommend physically separating after d-day 1 for the mental health of the BS. What I mean is that I highly recommend the BS take control and either have the WS leave the home, or, if it does not create financial difficulties with divorce (if that path is ever chosen) to move out. One, it makes it real for your WS immediately. Two, it allows you some space to freak out, cry, think, and to not communicate with your WS and just clear your head.

It sounds counterintuitive I know, as the cling to the WS like superglue to figure out what they are doing and what happened is the instinctual response for most of us. The reality is that if your WS is going to continue to cheat, they will. Period. Mine certainly did and I was constantly watching/monitoring him. If your WS is going to give up on the relationship, they are going to eventually anyway - sticking around and giving them the benefit of your presence really is mostly a one-way benefit, for them. I found that removing myself from the ability to do the checking/monitoring made me have to accept what was already reality - I did not know what my WH was doing when I wasn't there, and in the 40% of his life that I was not around because he was working or I was, he was carrying on a full blown A anyway - so my not being there was not going to make his behavior any different in any fundamental way. Making him have to reach out to me was an action he didn't need to do when I was right there already. Those actions are the MOST important thing if you want to R - the ACTIONS of your WS afterwards. If you make it to where they have to show you they want to R, that is your best bet. Sitting around next to them giving them the option to work for you or not is much harder and honestly I think drags things out way longer.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:57 PM, Friday, August 4th]