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For those of you that chose to D your WS, how did you tell them and have those conversations?

I'm leaning toward D (we're S now), and my biggest issue right now is how to have the conversation with WH to really let him know I want a D. I've consulted with attorneys and was advised it would be faster/cheaper if we could try to agree on everything, but my WH doesn't want to D and still is holding out hope. Every time I mention the possibility, he's devolved into a mess and keeps telling me how much he loves me, will make it up to me, etc, etc. I'm trying to keep things from being contentious, so I'm being kind, but I think that's making it appear there's still hope for the M.

I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to have these conversations or if I'll just need to file (serve him with papers). In my state, that would make it contested and likely drag things out quite a bit. Really just wondering what others experiences have been and also how you handled the guilt, sadness, depression (all the things I'm feeling) when trying to move on from a WS that doesn't want things to end.

Hi Landslide, I guess there is no nice way in telling. My husband, he was the WS, told me he wanted to divorce. I just stood there in disbelief and then started to, I don't know, let's say it wasn't my greatest moment.
If you know you know. Tell him, give him a moment and leave. The sooner the better! For the both of you.

I "told" him by letting him answer the door when the process server arrived. He didn't tell me about his affair, or when he went undercover and was still in contact with Shrek, so I figured there was nothing else to discuss.

I probably wouldn't have a discussion even if he hadn't had an affair. Once I'm done with someone's BS, I bounce.

But I can be totally closed off once someone F's me over. I once broke up with a boyfriend who cheated without confrontation or without a conversation. No discussion, no drama. He figured it out when he couldn't reach me after a few weeks.

The sadness, time faded. The guilt? I've never had any during break ups and also in my divorce. What could I possibly be to blame for?

[This message edited by StillLivin at 7:50 PM, Sunday, September 3rd]

A good friend of mine just divorced in April under similar circumstances. Her H definitely didn't want it, and love-bombed the heck out of her the whole time to try to get her to change her mind. I think he would have been happy to live in limbo indefinitely, but she was just done.

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd contact the attorney and get my ducks in a row, and then tell him that you have decided that D is what you want and that you hope that he will make it as easy (and inexpensive) as possible for both of you. That's really a kindness, IMO.

I plan on setting up and furnishing a condo a little at a time, while he's out somewhere I'll load up the pets, our son lives with us, so he'll likely come too. I'll block him on my phone and hide my car. He'll figure it out when I'm gone and the process server shows up at the door.

We were actually in an MC session at the time, because he had manipulated the situation.

While deciding whether to stay or go, I had a hard boundary that if he had any inappropriate contact with another person, I would immediately move to D. Well, he went & visited a relative who lives out of town. During that time, he had inappropriate contact with somebody, and she told him he had to tell me or she would because I deserved to have the information. He knew it would be the end of the M.

So, we went on vacation and I knew something was up by the way he was acting. Our MC session was Monday evening, and he told me while in the office. That's when the voice inside my head let me know that he would never be a safe partner, I'd done all I could to save the M and I was done. I told him that because his actions crossed the boundary I'd set, we were now going to D. I told him we would be roommates until I was able to find a place to live.

I gathered the information needed to D, and discussed options with him. I treated it like a business transaction, which it is.

I appreciate all of the responses so far! Although we've all had to go through these horrible experiences which are similar in so many ways, we're all so unique and it really is helpful to hear the different perspectives.

Helena:

If you know you know. Tell him, give him a moment and leave. The sooner the better! For the both of you.

Good advice. I know I'm overthinking it a bit. I've been talking to a couple of people in my close friend/family circle and their advice is helpful, but more centered on ensuring I ease him into it. Not for his sake, per se, but to hopefully make the whole D less stressful and contentious. I agree with their advice, but delaying the conversation makes me doubt my resolve (not necessarily that I am not resolved but thinking that if I were really resolved I would have discussed it with him already). I hate being in limbo, and not talking to him about it makes me feel like I'm in limbo.

It's been almost 3 months since DDay and I haven't been able to envision a future with WH that would bring me any semblance of happiness. I just can't see how I could ever forgive him or love/respect him anywhere near how I did before. I feel less like I'm struggling with whether I want to stay or go because of my feelings for him and more that I'm struggling with it because of how my entire life and world has and will continue to change and has been turned upside down. I feel as though I'm still trying to come to grips with that aspect of it. Meanwhile, he's lovebombing me, which isn't helping.

StillLivin:

I "told" him by letting him answer the door when the process server arrived. He didn't tell me about his affair, or when he went undercover and was still in contact with Shrek, so I figured there was nothing else to discuss.

This is how things go in my fantasy world. I have a close friend that handles bad friendships/relationships this way and I've always respected that level of resolve. I struggle to make decisions and then stick with them, especially in relationships.

The guilt? I've never had any during break ups and also in my divorce. What could I possibly be to blame for?

That's a great way to look at it. I am already feeling an incredible amount of guilt, which I know is entirely undeserving, but I can't seem to shake it. My young kids being the victims of this situation are the main driver of my guilt, and feeling like I'm ending things even when I know logically it's his fault for having the A in the first place. Blaming me for not being willing to try to save this M is something my WH is all too happy to put on me whenever we talk about S/D. He's so good at saying things in such a "nice" way that many times I don't realize how f***ed up they are until after the conversation is over.

SacredSoul:

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd contact the attorney and get my ducks in a row, and then tell him that you have decided that D is what you want and that you hope that he will make it as easy (and inexpensive) as possible for both of you.

Thank you for your advice. I think that's probably what I need to do and just have to get the nerve up to do it. I've already spoken to an attorney, so I have an idea of what I could ask/offer and where I stand, luckily.

inmisery:
Sometimes a clean break is the best way to do it. With my young children, that wouldn't be possible. I want them to have him in their lives anyways.

leafields:

That's when the voice inside my head let me know that he would never be a safe partner, I'd done all I could to save the M and I was done.

Listening to your intuition is important and something I'm still trying to do. I believe my intuition/gut has been telling me since very shortly after DDay that I am done, but I haven't been willing to let everything go yet, especially given the resistance from WH.

I gathered the information needed to D, and discussed options with him. I treated it like a business transaction, which it is.

I aspire to handling it this way. I've already considered options and just need to be able to have those discussions without getting emotional.

It took me 18 months after dday1 to get there. Plus, my XWH is a covert narc and I spent a lot of time watching YouTube videos on recovering from narc abuse, which helped me heal and be stronger. My XWH lied a lot, too. The gaslighting was strong with that one.

I was in limbo a long time. I used my time and did a lot of research on my own, so when I decided the time had come to stick a fork in it, I waited for him to come in late one night and simply handed him my vision of a draft agreement. He started to try to have the whole "this isn't what I want" discussion/gaslighting, but I simply said (a couple times) that's not what I want to discuss right now, this document is.

He finally realized I was serious and actually read it. Asked a couple questions, wanted a tweak or two, and said if I made those changes that he'd sign it. At this point, it became a business discussion, none of the emotional stuff.

I wish you the best, because it's not easy. I was shaking like a leaf the entire time and just kept reminding myself that I just had to get through it.

I'm in this very situation at this moment. My WH has avoided me for months since I first confronted him about his affair. At the time, I wanted to work on our marriage and I did not want to divorce. He said he wasn't happy and I told him that's fine, if that's what he wants then he's going to file. He never took action, continued to see her, and kept me in limbo for weeks. I tried on many occasions to have discussions with him about next steps but he completely ignored me, put up a wall and just sat there. I eventually got to a point where I found out he's having multiple affairs and enough was enough.He went out on a business trip and I filed. When he returned from his trip I handed him a folder with all of the paperwork and let him know that they were for him. He hasn't tried to talk to me about it, continues to avoid me. His actions and silence speak volumes and at this point I believe I will never get the answers I'm owed.

I separated at first to get some peace and clarity and realized soon after that I wanted to pursue D. I had him served with D papers and some correspondence via email. We have mostly NC now but will communicate if it is in regards to the kids.

Immediately after separating I was bombarded by scathing and love bombing texts. This also helped push me more towards D and began my NC with him. Even though he said he would see a therapist, wanted to fight for a new M, it was just too little too late and I'm sure they were more manipulations on his part. He has made it all about him being the victim of my leaving him and breaking up the family. He actually frames me as worse than any of his infidelities but a narc has got to have a smear campaign and boy does he have one against me

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:53 PM, Tuesday, October 10th]

Could be bipolar. Your description of him sounds like it.

I gave my WW 6 months to pull her head out of her ass and show me that she could do the work tonfix what she broke. I wanted an indication that she was going to lean into the process of R. I didn't tell her, as she is a performative person and would have faked it until day 181. After 6 months, I went on a trip to think about my life. When I returned,I asked my WW one simple question: "What are you doing to help me heal from your affair?"

She responded, "I can't be there for you until you are in a better place, because you make me feel too guilty."

I looked at her, and stated with an incredulous tone, "You're never going to actually change, are you? I'm done. We are getting a divorce." Then I got up and went to bed. Best sleep I had in years.

She tried to hook me with sexiness one time after that, when dhe said she missed our intimacy. I told her, best of luck with that and went to bed.

Never looked back once.

After 18 months of false R I gave WGF a short concise list of what I needed.

NC
Therapy for her
The whole story (there was bits I knew that she hadn’t told me so I know that I didn’t have the whole story)

Response

She could not go NC for fear of losing her career

She did not see the point of "rehashing" the A in therapy

She insisted I knew everything

She also wanted me to stop talking about her A.

So we agreed she could not give me what I needed. We agreed to S (no marriage so no divorce) we shook hands and we made plans (together) to minimise the impact for each other and our children.

We split everything as close as possible to 50/50

We have remained amicable ever since.

I hope you are also able to find a pain free way out.

TD

I appreciate everyone's responses. I'll share an update, but wanted to respond to everyone first.

Leafields: Thank you for sharing. I read your story and am so sorry for what you had to go through. I'm glad you were able to get out of your destructive and abusive relationship.

ChewedMeUp:

I used my time and did a lot of research on my own, so when I decided the time had come to stick a fork in it, I waited for him to come in late one night and simply handed him my vision of a draft agreement.

Your approach seems reasonable and well thought out. I read your advice some time ago (sorry for the late response!) and am trying something like this. I've told my STBXWH that I retained an attorney and documents are being drafted. I went ahead and told him so he can start wrapping his head around it. I'm waiting on the documents to be drafted and to feel 100% ready before I confront him.

Lostintranslation:

When he returned from his trip I handed him a folder with all of the paperwork and let him know that they were for him. He hasn't tried to talk to me about it, continues to avoid me. His actions and silence speak volumes and at this point I believe I will never get the answers I'm owed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and be handling this very well. It's such a terrible situation for all of us BS to be put in, and even worse when your WS won't confront what they've done, blameshift, stonewall (and the list goes on). Have you been able to get WH to talk about the documents yet? If you've filed, does your WH have to respond by a certain time (that's how it works in my state)?

My STBXWH has tried to give me answers, but I think I've realized at this point that there's really nothing he could do/say to make me want to stay in this M anymore. I don't particularly care about his "reason" for having an A. The fact is, he cared more about himself and his short-term happiness than me, our M or our family. Whether he thought he would be caught (apparently, he didn't so he justified it since I would "never know") or not, he decided it was worth risking our M.

crazyblindsided:

We have mostly NC now but will communicate if it is in regards to the kids.

What does NC look like for you? I have found I'm trying to keep things on a cordial but surface level during our interactions, but NC isn't possible for us with our young children. I'm trying to make this as easy on them as possible which is resulting in them talking to each of us every night and switching houses multiple times a week.

I did have a couple of deeper conversations in the last month with WH. He still wants to R, and at the urging of my IC, I decided to give myself time. I feel anxious to move things along, but I recognize the importance of making sure I'm 100% sure before I do anything. My other motivations are around WH's mental health (giving him time to come to grips with this) and finances. Before the A, he was a SAHF (although he generally only had to watch the kids about 1 day a week, ha), so I'd like to wait until he has his finances in order before moving forward. That said, I haven't felt any reservations. I know I don't want to be in the M anymore even as I long for the M I thought I had before all of this. Still, it's hard to take the next steps.

He has made it all about him being the victim of my leaving him and breaking up the family. He actually frames me as worse than any of his infidelities but a narc has got to have a smear campaign and boy does he have one against me

I relate to this. My WH is similar. He can't believe our M could be over because of his "little" A (ONS, supposedly). Even after he's told me how much he wants to R, when we talk it's always all about him (what he's doing in his life, his worries about his future, using me as his therapist, etc.) and not about the pain, hurt and anger I'm dealing with. He's a serious rugsweeper.

Cooley2here:

Could be bipolar. Your description of him sounds like it.

Yes! Actually, after DDay I thought through our whole relationship and suggested he might have BPD. He's latched onto that and thinks that's the case. He's used that almost as justification for his actions since he "wasn't himself" and "couldn't control his emotions." Unfortunately for our M, that doesn't change anything for me. He is opposed to getting/using any sort of medication for BPD (odd to me, considering the number of substances he's chosen to use-and abuse-over the years, both prescription and illegal), so I don't have reason to believe he'll improve if he has BPD.

Justsomeguy:
I'm so sorry for what you went through having a WW that didn't even try to R. I am glad you were able to see her true colors pretty quickly and move on. Are you happier post D?

I gave my WW 6 months to pull her head out of her ass and show me that she could do the work tonfix what she broke. I wanted an indication that she was going to lean into the process of R. I didn't tell her, as she is a performative person and would have faked it until day 181.

I waited a while to tell my WH anything he could do to fix this M for that same reason. I decided a few weeks ago to give him some pointers to see if it made a difference to me on whether to R/D. He made a list (took a lot of work to get him to even be willing to make a list, as he kept saying "he didn't know what he could do"). He has set up one time of us doing something together without the kids and is doing IC. He sends me messages that he wants to stay together. Nothing else is happening. There's my answer. Looking back, I feel I've always given more to this M than he was, but I didn't recognize it. Now, with kids, I feel even more so that he's just another child I have to take care of.

Given this post is so long, I'll respond to everyone else in another one!

TwoDozen:
It's good to hear you and your XWGF were able to end things amicably, but such a shame she could never give you what you needed. Honestly, your list seems very reasonable. It seems that so many WS just don't "get it" based on reading so many of the WS posts on SI.

I have hopes that our relationship will remain amicable even in the face of D, for our kids' sake. That being said, I'm so angry but trying very hard to be civil and not lash out for their sakes. I felt I was less angry for a while and was turning a corner. I've found the anger coming back recently, though. As I mentioned, my STBXWH hasn't been working for a while now (SAHF, although that term seems wrong when we had nearly full-time childcare). Now that he's looking for a job again, he's leaning toward taking a position that would be a massive pay cut in a whole new field. This has been a hard pill for me to swallow, as it basically means he expects me to continue to provide nearly all the support for our children whether we D or R. In the meantime, he's been unemployed, but hasn't shown any initiative to spend extra time with the kids, which would have been simple to do (they're not in school yet). That just makes it even more clear to me that he was not SAHF material in the first place, which makes me feel like a sucker.

Some days I can tell I'm still grappling with coming to grips with my new reality, even though I've had many more pleasant days since we S than I had post DDay for the couple of months we were still together.

What does NC look like for you?

No contact protects me from xWS emotional manipulations and abuse and protects my peace of mind. He's blocked on my phone but I have left email open. I only respond to things that pertain to the kids and sometimes the ongoing Divorce.

My kids are older, one is actually an adult, ages 20 & 17 so contact is not necessary. My reasons for it is that I just don't want to hear from the ex ... at all. It usually sets me back and cause me a lot of PTSD and anxiety so it is more for my protection.

Landslide1o20:

Have you been able to get WH to talk about the documents yet? If you've filed, does your WH have to respond by a certain time (that's how it works in my state)?

My WH husband came to me a few days before he needed to respond and gaslighted me. Told me he wanted to work on things but was not remorseful. I figured I would try and see where this goes and monitor his behavior and actions. A few weeks have gone by now and I've realized that my WH has given me nothing but false hope and reconciliation. As each week passed he continued to push me away. When I asked him whats going on he said he was dealing with his demons, blah..blah..blah. I found out that he never stopped talking to the OW and continued to lie to me daily. I put the process on hold and now I'm to the point that I'm going to move forward with D. Our next conversations will be about separating our lives I'm sort of at peace because I have given it my all and tried but I cannot do it by myself. His actions and behavior continue to show me. Although it hurts so much at the same time, I know in the end I'm going be okay.

LostinTranslation:

I'm worry your WH has let you down and continues to gaslight you. It's so hard to understand why they would try to stop the D process if they aren't willing to work on things, but that's been my experience, too.

I haven't presented him with D documents yet, but that's because I'm still working through the drafts with my attorney (who is going super slowly). I'm trying for uncontested. In my state, that means there is nothing filed with the state until (if) we can both agree on the settlement. If we can't agree, I'll have to file contested, which is guaranteed to take longer and be much more expensive. My STBXWH does (should) know this is coming, as I previously had multiple discussions with him telling him I'm done. In the most recent one I told him I'm having documents drafted. I did agree to hold off for a bit. It's been about a month and a half since then. He's made a couple of half-hearted attempts to connect. We went out alone (ie without kids) for lunch once. He messages me daily, but short simple things about missing me. He's initiated zero "real" conversations since then and hasn't tried to spend any time together (we aren't living together now). I don't plan on holding off anymore, as I don't see any reason. Additionally, every time I spend any real amount of time around him I find my levels of anxiety go sky high for the rest of the day, so I feel confident this is what I need to do.