SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted earlier this month. My husband left on Nov. 16. I am distraught and paralyzed. Not sure how to proceed. He continues being ambiguous: I love you, I don’t want to erase you from my life, I just don’t have energy to put into the relationship right now, I don’t foresee a reconciliation in the near future.

To me it sounds convoluted but I made the decision to accept he doesn’t want to be married anymore. We have talks about D but nothing specific. Right now I’m in distress because I have no income (he had asked me to stay home and he would provide) but now I don’t have income or car and I have to find ways to survive.

I thought of seeking spousal support through legal separation but deep down I still have hopes for reconciliation and fear that this will push him further away.

I miss him enormously. We have been together for 21 years. These first few days without him have been painful. We are not communicating at all because it always ends up in a confrontation.

Does this get better? I am so pained! I want it to be over already even if he doesn’t come back. I just don’t want this pain anymore.

If you allow yourself to stay stuck from fear of acting, NO, it won't get better. Instead, it will get worse because he will continue sucking your soul away.
Act! It doesn't have to be dramatic. Start writing down a plan of action to get your life at least financially in order. File for separation if you aren't ready for D, and if it's legal in your state. Quit F'ing worrying about how he'll react. Not your problem right now. Put your own oxygen mask on first.
Are you seeing a therapist? Have you looked for one, if not?
Everyone on here understands your fear, we've all felt it, but push it aside for later and deal with the present or your going to be in worse hot water than you're already in.
Have you seen an attorney? If not, start there!
It gets better. I know you don't believe that now but try to have faith. Nobody, including me believed it when others told us it gets better. And yet, all of us made it through, most of us are thriving. Take one step, then another, then another.

The pain stays for a while. I was barely functional for 6 months after dday1, but at 12 months wasn't in as much pain. It took IC and doing things to release the anger, like going out to the car and yelling until my voice was gone.

This sounds like a good idea:

I thought of seeking spousal support through legal separation

It may be the shock to the system that he needs to get his head out of his behind.

His ambiguity is meant to keep you emotionally invested and off-balance. It's a manipulation tactic and is emotional abuse. This also contributes to your feelings of being distraught and paralyzed. (There's brain chemistry involved and you literally may not be able to think.)

He's been gone 10 days, which is a fraction of what it takes to heal. Yes, the pain will go away but not right away.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

I discovered my husbands affair almost two years ago. I'm divorced now. It does get better. It really does.

The most important thing is to look at his actions not his words. My ex used to say enough to keep me hooked. It was abusive.

Please take care of yourself and start making plans how to leave an abusive marriage and start taking all the necessary steps. You can do this.

Sending you strength!

[This message edited by Helena67 at 7:33 PM, Monday, December 4th]

He isolated you and then abandoned you. What a jerk. And his wishes-washy actions are so he can have everything HE wants- you pining for him and the excitement of his A. You are a backup plan. You deserve so so so much better.

get to a lawyer or three and understand your rights. Knowledge is power and will help alleviate the paralyzing fear. Learn if legal separation is recognized in your state and take actions to protect yourself financially (even if you do not file for D immediately).

And IC is very helpful. You need a place to help you sort out your tangle of thoughts and determine what is best for you. Try to find one with experience in trauma- because this is a TRAUMA.

As for timeline - it will get better. But it takes longer than you want and you will have to make some decisions you don’t want to make to get there. For now, just focus on the day to day (hour to hour sometimes). The first months are brutal.

Keep posting. We’re here for you.