SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I joined a month ago when I thought I would be seeking support about my husband's emotional affair behaviors, but things have since changed and I'm lost with literally nowhere to go. I need help. A bit of background, this is confusing because I'm trying to keep it as short as possible, I'm sorry. I'm all over the damn place.

I'm married 25 years. He's the love of my life and I was his. WAS...I say. My husband is a sex addict. He's sexted/emailed with various women over the years, but never crossed the physical line. He's been an emotional cheater since we met (only found out AFTER we were married) Had I known, I never would have married him. He knows cheating of any kind is not tolerated by me. We've struggled financially over the years raising all of these kids and have been trying to set ourselves up for our future. We've been through a lot of tragedy, health issues and trauma, mostly me as I've been the one to stay home and deal with everything. I'm on disability from a very successful career (ptsd and depression/anxiety issues) and for the past several years he has been living and working away from home because the pay is the only way we could stay afloat. God, if I could turn back time...

He comes home twice a year and I visit in between. He's presently home. This has been hard on our marriage. We've drifted apart but I never dreamed his feelings for me had changed. He hasn't shown it until now. He's still been the man I married. We've both been sick and under a lot of stress. I thought it has been marriage as usual, but I guess not.

A few months ago while looking at our cell bill, I noticed a number he was texting a lot since early this year. There were so many texts/calls/picture-video messages with this number. My heart sank. I knew we were in trouble and made a plan to confront him once home and tell him we need counseling to address and attempt to repair this once and for all. We've put too much blood, sweat, tears and money into this marriage for him to throw it all away like that. I've been in agony knowing this information for months while waiting for him to come home to address it face to face. Well, the joke was on me when I confronted him. He admitted that he met someone at work and they are in love and yes, he slept with her. At first he wouldn't tell me who, but he did. He refused to tell me who her partner was, but I found out myself. He has blown up his marriage but she has yet to tell her partner who she is sleeping with. How I would love to blow that whistle, but that's not my style.

We have not been intimate in four years. He has health issues.I asked how could he sext or be inimate if meds were affecting his performance. He admitted that he got viagra and sure enough, I checked our benefits and there it was. I feel so stupid. He says she is his best friend, she's in an unhappy relationship and they just 'clicked' since they have a lot in common to bitch about, I guess. Both unhappy with their spouses, but neither had the common sense to fucking leave or give them a heads up that something is wrong so we could decide for ourselves what we wanted to do moving forward. Noooooo, instead, let's mash our genitals together and fall in love. In love. You don't know what love is. Neither of you do. Two cheaters living a lie and hurting their 'loved ones'. Come out of your damn fog FFS!!

I told him after all of the bullshit he has put me through over the years, he can't possibly hurt me anymore so he needed to be 100% honest with me. He said that he asked for the viagra so he could 'sext' with her and on line escort services. He has paid for this over the years while away. Not much, but still did it. Their friendship crossed into sexting. He then had a few friends over and she made a move on him and he allowed it and the rest is history. He promises me that she initiated it and I do believe him. It doesn't matter at this point anyway. It's not going to make me feel better or worse knowing who initiated what. What's done is done and will be burned forever in my mind. Here's the kicker...a few of our friends and his family members all knew that he met someone and he was falling for her. I am crushed that I am the last one to know. Not only has he betrayed me, but so have they. It hurts!

So, after grilling him for hours over the past three weeks, he admits that he doesn't know what he wants, but he can't change his feelings. He loves me (not the same though) but says that they are in love and he wonders what future lies ahead for them if anything. She has asked him if he's going to divorce and he told her no and that he has a lot of financial commitments to take care of for the next few years before he can even think about retirement. She said she didn't know what she was going to do, but is looking for another job. At first, I was willing to do whatever it took to keep him and save our marriage. I know, I'm an idiot. Pretty sure this is part of the grieving process. I'm still learning from this forum. I was willing to throw my morals and values out the window because I feared being left with nothing and starting over at 54. I'll never trust another man. They've all betrayed me in this way. Pretty sure I'll be living in the street if we divorce. Divorce is not going to end well for either of us and he knows it. Neither one of us can financially live independently. Life has kicked us in the ass. We won't be able to afford a mortgage or rent on our own. That's fact. Our finances are a big part of him being torn on what he wants. She doesn't know that details of our marriage and bills, etc. and I'm quite certain that once she finds out he has nothing to offer her but sex, she's going to toss him to the curb.

So, here I am posting my story. I KNOW he does not plan to stop sleeping with her. I'm not stupid and neither is he. He wants what he wants, right. I've made it clear that it's not acceptable to me and he also can't be spending any of our money on her or her kid. His family is the only one he should be spending money on. We are married, I am his wife, he made vows and promises to me. Another woman is not part of this marriage. Sorry pal, you can't have your cake and eat it too. He says he is going for counseling when he gets back and will be having a talk with her about where they could be going... not really sure what he's going to discuss. My question, is what in the hell am I supposed to do with all of this mess??? I can't eat or sleep. All I think about is what they are saying to each other and doing up there. He's constantly talking with her. I told him to knock it off while at home because it's disrespectful and cruel to me. They have since stopped texting so she must have told him to use a messaging platform. I just want to vomit. My entire world is upside down. We can't afford lawyers. We can't afford to divorce/separate. BUT. I'm not staying in a marriage where I am not wanted or am just second choice if it doesn't work out with his skank. Fuck that. I deserve better. What do I do??? My brain is reeling. To top things off, my father just died.

As of now, he thinks that reconciling is on the table. I thought it was too, but realize at the moment that it will never be. How could it? The love of my life has betrayed and hurt me in the worst way possible. I'll never trust him again. Now, ask me this question tomorrow and I'll probably give you a different answer. Get me off this merry go round. I can't take this. I've been through too much over the years. I'm literally broken, numb. Indifferent. Please help me navigate through this shit storm. I'm honestly lost on what my role is here. Never in a million years did I think I'd be in this mess... I suppose none of us ever do. When he leaves this weekend, it's going to stab me like a knife all over again. I'm not ready for this hurt to consume me. I'm just not.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:25 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

I would suggest that he returns home and finds a local job.

Period.

It’s not about the $ - it’s about getting him away from the affair and the fantasy he has built up in his mind.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

First your username is not true. His affair is not about your worth but his inability to deal with his own issues. If he was unhappy he should have had the conversation not jump into bed with someone else.

Second are you having therapy for the ptsd? If so raise the affair with your trauma therapist. Affairs can cause a trauma response and this may well fuel the conditions you have. If your not getting therapy I recommend trauma therapy.

Third stop thinking about him and start thinking about you. Him buggering off for months gives you space to heal. You don't need to rush to end the marriage if you don't think either of you are in the position too. Instead use this time wisely to focus on your mental and physical wellbeing and get back some control over your life. You cannot dictate what he does but you can grow and heal.

Fourth be kind to yourself always.Its a rollercoaster of anger, denial and acceptance and the route to healing is a marathon not a sprint.

How I would love to blow that whistle, but that's not my style.

First - tell the OBS. Not to extract some sort of revenge. Not to make yourself feel better. Do it because it is the right thing to do and unlike your WS and the AP, you DO the right thing.

Wasn't my style to be mired in an infidelity filled relationship either. Tell the the OBS/OBPartner/OBFiancee - whatever you've been told - tell THAT person. I waited over a year to tell the OBS - both of us admit that had we spoken sooner we could have brought the whole mess to light much quicker and saved us ("us" being me and the OBS) a LOT of pain, suffering, and the one thing you can't get back - time. Tell them, and do not wait to do so. You would want to know. And honestly after awhile I realized what really wasn't my style was being complicit in their affair.

Second - There is no need to make a decision now. BUT you do need to look to YOUR future. I know you think it's impossible for you to live anywhere else but where you are with his income, but it's not impossible. You may not have great options, but figure out what you need to get out and get moving towards better options. In other words you need to start making yourself Plan A because the one thing you do know is that your WS has not been making your marriage Plan A for awhile.

Will it suck - probably. Financial matters usually do. But, can it get better - yes it can. You need to sit down and do the hard math. Do some research about a separation agreement in your state (or jurisdiction) and see if you can't find something simple to put together. If your county or a nearby one has a self help center for divorce/separation. Look at your local family court website - look online for resources. You need to STOP him from spending your collective money right now. But you need to push aside the doomsday financial scenario - this too shall pass. Being flat broke is better than being betrayed and lied to daily. It just is. I thought it wasn't and stuck around - boy what a mistake that was.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:19 PM, Tuesday, November 28th]

I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such a tough situation, OP. However, my advice will still be the same.

Start protecting yourself in any manner possible. Take a cue from his book and live your life in spite of him. He’s already living like a single bachelor, let him take care of himself like one. Work towards acting like a coparent and not his wife. His gf can take on the hardships along with whatever superficial excitement they get from this.

In the meantime, keep yourself busy. Don’t even be present when he leaves.

I will leave off with this: he is NOT reconciliation material. Not by a long shot. Not when he keeps active contact with the AP despite knowing that it hurts you. He hasn’t been your husband for a long while.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 11:03 PM, Tuesday, November 28th]

Welcome to SI, the best club that nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of great information, including the list of acronyms that we use.

Are you able to see a betrayal trauma specialist? Your WH (wayward husband) also needs IC. Frankly, he's a serial cheater even if he says it was only emotional, and serial cheaters are notoriously bad at R (reconciliation) because they don't have the fortitude to do the work.

He's the love of my life and I was his

You both had something in common - he was the love of both your lives. His selfish behavior shows that he really only cares about himself.

Please tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). You were crushed when you found out others knew but didn't tell you. By not telling OBS, you are removing their agency and not allowing them to make important personal decisions based on factual information. You become duplicitous in the A.

We've put too much blood, sweat, tears and money into this marriage for him to throw it all away like that.

You may wish to Google "sunk cost fallacy." If he has put you through a bunch of crap for years, do you really want to live that way for another 30? I was 55 when my XWH had his PA, and I wasn't willing to live the rest of my life due to how he'd treated me for so long.

Practice self-care, and give yourself grace. Infidelity sucks.

Hello Enough,

I am so sorry about the loss of your father. That is devastating.

When you look forward, what would you like to see happen? I know you wish this has never happened, but now that it has, what would you like to see happen in the future?

If you feel you would like to work things out with your husband, then tell him that he has to quit his job today, and then go ahead and tell the other betrayed partner (her fiance') what he is dealing with. It's the right thing to do and he deserves to know before he legally joins his life with her.

If you don't want to work things out, then let him go back and play funsies with his fling. Talk to several attorneys about what divorce will look like (It's often not as bad as you imagine.) and, after you are divorced, tell the other betrayed partner what he is dealing with. I wouldn't do it beforehand if you actually do want a divorce because revealing an affair can often break up the affair, and your husband might try to win you back. If you do not want that, I would wait.

You have been through, and are going through, so much. I know it feels that you will always be in crisis mode, but it's simply not true. You will be ok whatever you decide to do. There is light at the end of this long dark tunnel, and you will be ok.

I wish he could come home right now, but we can't afford to live/pay bills on his retirement pension just yet. More debt needs to be paid down. There are no job opportunities here to make that kind of money. We would have had him come home years ago if that were an option. We have no investment income. This is a mess. My head is reeling. I haven't slept in weeks. I've lost 12 pounds since finding out. I can't afford to lose more. He says I look like skin and bones and that I have aged. Not the compliment I was hoping for since I last saw him. Aged? My god, I wonder what caused that?!

Thank you all who have commented. I really need perspective from those who've been there-done that and it felt good to see that I'm not alone. I do need to add more content to my first post. The other woman's common law husband is aware that she is cheating on him, he just doesn't know with whom. She's been trying to leave for a few years now. I don't think telling him who she's sleeping with is going to help this situation.

I've asked my husband if he really thinks she's going to stick around for him to figure out what he wants and with his financial responsibilities. Like, what do you have to offer this woman besides sex that she clearly can get from anyone she wants? You are both cheaters. She's showed you what she is capable of. She's a cheater and a liar with no integrity. You're sick, near retirement, have debts out the ass, pets, and family to provide for. How are you going to provide for her and her kid? Do you want a third family? What the hell are you thinking?!

He says he has no idea what he's become or where to turn at this point. He feels like shit, knows he's been a piece of shit but doesn't know why or if he can stop or change. He's not proud of what he's done and become or the pain he has caused and continues as they still message each other. Why do you want my husband who is struggling to save his marriage? Zero class and integrity. She's trash with no morals.

I asked him if he really thinks/expects me to wait while he figures his shit out. Like, sit back and think about what you've just told me. You want her and not sure if you want me because feelings have changed. He still loves me, (not the same as before though) but loves her. They are in love. *eyeroll* He loves the fantasy of her.I told him he needs to end this now if any hope is there. He said he can't promise me that and he's done breaking promises to me. I then said I can't tell him what awaits him when he comes home again. I also asked him to find some empathy and compassion, to really think about what he has done. How would he feel if I had cheated on him when things got rough? He said it probably wouldn't have mattered. I yelled, "listen to what just came out of your mouth. Who the hell are you? How do you think this makes me feel hearing this. I can't unhear this! Wake the hell up!" He stared down, and said, "I know. It's bad. I don't know who I am." He's calling for therapy as soon as he goes back. He needs it. He'll never be happy with any choice he makes unless he finds out who he is and why he does what he does. Is that how you want to live your retirement years? No....

I am not in therapy and am currently seeking for someone to help me navigate through this. Our health system is a disaster right now. I am feeling all the feels. I don't know what I want. I want my husband but know he's gone. I don't want to live alone with not enough income to survive but that's not a reason to stay in this situation either. Is there hope for him to see his evil ways and change? Who knows. Money is evil. I hate it. It ruins so many lives. Same with social media. All evil. I can't even talk to a lawyer because I can't afford to. I called him out on spending our money - that's it's our money for our family, not to use for his bachelor lifestyle. I control the finances. I asked him if he thought it was okay to spend our money on her and he said, no. I'll know if he does and shit will hit the fan.

I know I need a plan. What that is, I have no idea. This is destroying me. I can't think, sleep or function. I can't even deal with my father's death because I'm so consumed with this garbage and my son being a complete asshole. Why do people hurt those they love?! I am exhausted and I don't.want.to.do.this.anymore. No one deserves this. Why are some people so damn cruel? Why did he do this? When did our marriage become a lie? I never gave up on him, why did he not even try? He promised to love, honor and take care of me. He meant those words. Why was it so easy to give up? I don't understand!!

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:31 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

So for the past several years, he's lived far away for almost 11 months of the year? You don't have a marriage. His relationship with the other woman is more real than what you have because it's in person. Honestly, I can see why you drifted apart.

If my wife traveled for work on remote occasion, that would be one thing. If she were to move halfway across the country for work and only visit me for a short period of the year, the marriage would be ended.

I think you guys should have a serious conversation about the path forward. Reconciling likely isn't it. Talk to an attorney about how to get the best outcome. If he has any kind of death benefit, make sure you remain the primary recipient for your kids' sake and your own future.

But you need to let him go, because he's been gone for a long time already.

Icedover84:

So for the past several years, he's lived far away for almost 11 months of the year? You don't have a marriage. His relationship with the other woman is more real than what you have because it's in person. Honestly, I can see why you drifted apart.

I guess I am blind and stupid. A married man is off limits. Period. Call me naive. We knew there would be hard sacrifices and effort to make this work. We talk every other day. I've visited him a few times. I guess I never knew, or he wasn't man enough to let me know that things were getting bad. Had he done the kind thing to let me know earlier, I would/could have made different choices and walked without being screwed over financially. I wasn't even given a chance. That's not ok. I don't know what else to say.

"You need to let him go." If it were only that easy...

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:34 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

I don't think telling him who she's sleeping with is going to help this situation.

I don't usually advocate for telling the OB for your own purposes, but it may not help the OB's situation but it may help yours. I think cat-out-of-bag is the only honest way through these messes.

I asked him if he really thinks/expects me to wait while he figures his shit out. Like, sit back and think about what you've just told me. You want her and not sure if you want me because feelings have changed. He still loves me, (not the same as before though) but loves her. They are in love. *eyeroll* He loves the fantasy of her. Wake the hell up! I told him he needs to end this now if any hope is there.

I'm going to tell this to you straight - your WS is telling you all you need to know. He wants to continue to cheat and he's going to. Thank him - you are lucky really as most of us don't get that kind of clarity. Really there is ZERO reason to consider him now - what are you going to do without him?? Not because things cannot change - but because right now you've been told they are not going to, so you know exactly where you stand. Either start figuring out how YOU are going to get out of infidelity or decide that you are not - plan accordingly either way. Limbo is the WORST plan (I know as it was the option I took for awhile, solely to my own detriment).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:13 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

So, I’ve been reading your responses and trying to process. It’s still so raw and devastating for me. I’m in complete shock. My heart and soul are in pieces. He leaves in two days and I don’t know how I feel about that. It feels like a final goodbye. It hurts. You don’t just stop loving someone. At least, I don’t. He was my world. But I digress.

I asked to see his phone today and he refused. That shocked me to see him so defiant. I’ve never seen that side of him in 25 years. The writing is on the wall. He (thinks he)loves her and is wondering if there is a future with her, knowing full well that she’s looking for a job elsewhere while he’s staying to work. He’s also holding on to hope that we can survive this… He’s also scared that I could move on while he figures shit out. Sorry, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you truly want to get your head on straight, that means the affair ends. Since he can’t promise me that, that’s all I need to know. Nope. I won’t be your sloppy second choice. I’m worth so much more than that and I deserve so much more than his sorry ass. Yep, I’m now in the anger stage. I’m not going to humiliate myself and beg him to choose me.

He thinks that I want to work this out. I do, but for the wrong reasons. I recognize that. So, having said this, what do I tell him? Do I say, don’t expect me to be still waiting for you while you get off that plane into her arms? Or do I pretend all is fine, that I’ll be waiting and then stick it to him with separation papers? I already have someone who will give me an idea what I’ll walk away with. I won’t be able to afford to live, but I’ll figure something out.

What can I say to him? I need some help getting over this last part. Therapy begins next week. Plan A is coming to light.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:25 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

I would either say nothing and see an attorney as soon as he leaves or when he leaves tell him, with no emotion, that you are done and follow through with the attorney.

Don't let him see your emotions. He is disrespecting you and thinking only of himself. He does not deserve one tear. Stay angry and stay strong.

I am sorry you are in this situation. But he has left you very little choice. It is beyond insane for him to expect that you would sit around waiting for him for months while he carries on his A. Never be an option in your own M. I know this is terribly painful for you, but it is time to value yourself. You are the prize and deserve a faithful partner. I would either say nothing, or tell him that leaving you in limbo while continuing his A has effectively terminated your M leaving you no choice. Then I would take action to legally separate or D . Always value yourself. If he wants to save the M he can take affirmative action to try and save it. Then begin working on a plan to move forward with your life. Each day and each step out of infidelity is a plus. Good luck.

Oh there won’t be tears. I’m plum out of those and past that point right now. I’m not sure how to play this out.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:26 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

Gently…
Your years of strain, financial hardship, your ptsd and all that…
If you look deep inside yourself… what caused it?
I wouldn’t be surprised based on what you share that it’s your husband more than anything else.

Now a 65 year-old man with health issues and wants to disrespect what should and could be the anchor in his life. Since you two struggle to make ends meet despite the hardship of him working away so far and so long then I somehow doubt his retirement will be at a time of his choice nor with the golden watch and pension he needs. I’m guessing his stress, lifestyle and life-choices will force him out of the ability to work soon.
A 54 year old woman – still young IMHO – Even if you come out of this with nothing… You have years of living YOUR life – not HIS – to recuperate and create your own life. His kids? Your step-kids? Something tells me that they will remain in contact. Your challenged son? Well… at least there will only be one person you need to tend to.

Please – Be prepared to walk away from what he’s offering you, because as-is its simply costing you too much in time, life and health.

No – don’t give him that shock-factor. The minute he’s out the door and the plane in the air you contact a divorce attorney and start the process. Once you have filed and everything is squared regarding the next steps… That’s when you let him know.

The biggest shock factor you can give him is indifference. Let him go without any discussion and you go off to the attorney.

People like him love to be in control. They love to have the opportunity to tell you that you are wrong. They love to make it all about them. Don't give him that. You will shock him him by not having any discussion and having him served. That clearly communicates that you are done and you do not care.

Infidelity is very difficult to work through and completely heal from. The betrayal is horrible. I know as I have been there, twice, and the cheating they did will never, ever escape my memory. My life has forever been horribly changed by their actions and it has now been almost 20 years since the last marriage ended and I still have not been able to heal this part of my life. New relationships still seem to be affected by the pain of the past.

Emotionally divorce him. He’s gone so much anyways. Think of him as a paycheck. No need to make it a legal divorce if it hurts you financially. Heal yourself while essentially being a single woman. Then, the future whether legally divorced or not will be easier to handle. In other words, heal your wounds before you have to figure out your finances. This is actually a gift for you amongst the shit show.

Gently…

Your years of strain, financial hardship, your ptsd and all that…

If you look deep inside yourself… what caused it?

I wouldn’t be surprised based on what you share that it’s your husband more than anything else.

You are probably right. My trauma goes back to childhood raised by parents who never showed love except by buying stuff and taking us on vacations, and also from being abused. I've also been cheated on by boyfriends before marriage. My husband knows my trauma and cried with me, swore he would never hurt me like that. Ever. I slowly lowered my walls and let him in and believed him. Trust is not easy with me. Once you're in, you better treasure and respect it with your life.

With his porn obsession, emailing random chicks for pictures, cyber sex crap over the years all he did was make me feel like I was never enough for him, not pretty enough, slim enough, etc. (I'm all of those things!) I've been constantly dieting/working out to keep him interested. I was just never enough. His broken promises and sorrys over the years have made me so small and feel such insignificance, it's just sad. My true love, who promised to cherish and adore me and always reminded me how much I've been his rock and sanity over the years and that he can't wait to grow old together.... betrays me in the worst possible way! He made the choice not to put us first and chose to cheat. That's on him. He destroyed us. That pisses me off like I can't even explain. My blood boils at what he's done. I was the anchor of his life, through good health,sickness and death.

I need to put myself first and figure out my plan and how I move forward. Still no idea, but at least I'm holding my ground that this marriage is toast. I've been mostly indifferent and calm since finding out. He expressed that I didn't react how he thought I would. I simply told him that I've been working on myself the past two years, (sorry you didn't notice) and I suggest he do the same or he's going to live the rest of his life a broke and lonely old man.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:29 PM, Thursday, February 29th]