SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, after months of WH telling me he was considering divorce, he even left for 2 weeks, I was shocked this week at his response to me filing. He has been pulling away for months. His "storyline" was 1. We grew apart and 2. He just can’t forgive himself for all the cheating 12 - 13 years ago.
Both total smokescreens when I recently uncovered the truth about what he has been doing.

He has been living downstairs since Sept and we were communicating but surface level. I left a note 3 weeks ago for him to move out, I will file paperwork and give me
Passwords to all the accounts, ect.

So, I started doing what I needed to do, opened my own bank account to which he was enraged. So odd when I pointed out most women to do have their own accounts.

On the advice of his own sister I retained an attorney and got the paperwork going. So, the day she was filing I thought in my silly mind that I would tell him in person and we could calmly both say how sad, but it’s what needs to happen. I had a lovely speech in mind. I mean it’s what he wants, I actually would have preferred to have a happy, healthy marriage.

I feel I should be outraged at the recent discovery but I actually am deeply sad. But, the timing of the filing and me meeting with my monthly girlfriend get together didn’t work out so I sent a text that I wanted to tell him in person but couldn’t. I still thought he would be good with it since, once again it’s what he wanted.

He went ballistic! Holy Hell! I had to have my kids come over and stay with me and we ended up calling the police at midnight! He wouldn’t leave and although wasn’t physically threatening his vile, disgusting text messages wouldn’t stop. Yes, I could have turned off my phone but he was still in the house and we could sense he was about to explode.

TBH - I have never witnessed such disgusting language from him in 38 years. It was shocking. A lovely 5 foot tall policewoman had to tell him he is a grown man and he can’t
Talk to me or any woman that way. One of my sons got him to leave and he is now mostly moved out.

Actually it worked out it was by text because my lawyer used the evidence to threaten him with a restraining order. What an idiot. Of course the story is that he was blindsided and I lied to him that we could work it out without an attorney. I never said that. Just another smokescreen to blame me.

Now the story is I never treated him well throughout our 37 year marriage and he is looking out for his happiness. Hmmm, well he currently is taking advice from a 32 year old, only fans sex worker, so there you go!

The D is filed though and I know he is going to put up a fight and try to slander me the best he can. But, I feel some relief that it’s in process. He still has things to move and I am not able to change the locks yet, hopefully soon.

My kind daughter and son in law are temporarily staying with me and 2 nearby sons are checking in daily. I have great neighbors and friends nearby too.

I know he just wanted to control the outcome of the D and manipulate me. Why I was thinking I would get a normal reaction from someone who is anything but normal I will never know!

It’s crazy, right? This is why we often recommend having a witness or something. The alien in them comes roaring out. — they no longer hide behind their masks.

Glad you have family nearby able and willing to be with you.

Good job getting that ball rolling for D and getting yourself out of infidelity. His outburst will serve you well not only in the D process, but also in alleviating second thoughts on D. Anytime that starts in your mind, you can look at those texts and know you made the only decision you could.

I know this is hard, but be proud of yourself.

I'm glad you had family that could come over to help you out. That must have been very scary! I'm so glad you stood your ground.

Now, you get to be the bad guy because you filed for divorce. When he wanted to talk about it, you would only text, and then ended up calling the cops on him. Poor little victim....

I'm sorry that he couldn't man up and discuss things with you like a normal, rational human being. It's ok to feel sad and mourn your losses, even if you thought you had before. I cried when we filed, and I cried again when I got the call that the D was final (COVID).

Soon, you'll be feeling peaceful. It's amazing how much lighter you will feel when you're not living with a drama llama.

You took away his control. He doesn’t like that lol

If he filed, it would have been a different story. How sad. He lies & cheats and then has a "how dare you!" Reaction to the D.

Please stay safe.

Thank you all, I greatly appreciate having a place to share this craziness.

I agree it will keep me moving forward. I know it’s over.

I know his reaction was a loss of his control. He had thought he would just hang around the basement and do whatever for as long as he wanted. I also think he wanted me to move out. Uh no thanks.

You will gradually lose any remaining feelings you had for him. Once he is out of the house you will finally relax. Living with a self centered cheater is so stressful.

Congratulations on getting free. If you don’t have a dog, get one, or a cat. They ALWAYS give unconditional love. The help repair a broken heart.

I’m so sorry you had this experience, Pink…but I predict it will serve you well both in the present and in the future.

I made a similar mistake going into the divorce, thinking it could be amicable. He put me through hell for two years…and as a result, I grew an angry backbone, learned to fight back like a MFer, and came away in a much better financial position (and with much more self respect than I had had in the marriage). I truly learned my strength simply by being shown who he irrefutably is. This is your now, the present.

The future: I posted recently about how 59 alimony checks had come on time (boy, was that a mind fuck!)…until the last one he played games with. Ahh, there he was…"that guy". I delighted in every day that the check was late. I delighted in the text exchanges where I recognized all the same behavior. And when I had had enough of the theatrics, I pulled out my old bitch MFer boots and the check was overnighted to me. This was MY hill…and I had already faced "death" on it. He was completely powerless…and I was affirmed. It had always been my hill…I just needed to recognize my foe and I needed to recognize my own strength.

Painful process, yes…but invaluable nonetheless. He was way more helpful than he ever intended to be - and that is the MOST delightful aspect. You’ll see it too in time. ❤️

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 5:13 PM, Saturday, December 2nd]

I just want to chime in and say I’m thinking of you, PinkJeepLady. Please stay safe.

Poor lil muffin STBXWH Was just served some consequences for his actions. Aw….pool lil guy.

Just keep swimming!

His reaction is his reaction. You are doing all the right steps so far. Let him have his big tantrum away from you. Glad your kids are there for you!

Of course, it’s all your fault. You took away his control so what else can the poor muffin do but lash out?

Hopefully his absurdity and nastiness will solidify your need to get this man out of your life!

You are doing great.

Why I was thinking I would get a normal reaction from someone who is anything but normal I will never know!

Many of BSs' have this same reaction and it does feel like a mystery at first. As time passed, the blinders fell away and I began to see that all of my WW's actions were consistent. The cheater's playbook seems like a law they have to follow.

Please take care of yourself and give time a chance to help you see clearly.

I know he just wanted to control the outcome of the D and manipulate me.

This is exactly what it is. It's amazing how they turn into Mr. Hyde with this stuff. My xWS sent me scathing texts after I left, then lovebomb then back to scathing again. It really helped me stay No Contact and continue forward with the D. He has also smeared me as much as possible to as many people as possible saying that I am a horrible person for breaking up the family and refusing to speak to him. They become really ugly people.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:08 PM, Monday, December 4th]

I ❤️ you guys! Your support means so much and is helping me stay focused.

I think he must have spoken to a lawyer because things have calmed down. He sent a few brief, polite text messages saying he paid various bills.

Then he politely asked if he could come over and take our dog for a bit on Sat. I said sure and drop off/pick up went fine.

I do have a dog, a three legged chocolate lab/pointer mix who is good company for me. I am still recovering from an accident I had months ago and am finally able to walk him.

I am bracing myself for the smear campaign - you know it’s coming. However, I am truly humbled and blessed by the amazing support I am getting from family, friends and coworkers.

Although this is incredibly sad and difficult, I am able to laugh, especially with you all who truly understand, and find moments of joy. I know I will go on to a bright future.

Thanks for all the great advice!

I had two good friends go through the most horrific D with serial cheating Husbands.

Turns out when the cheater loses control — they lose their mind.

I can tell you that in both cases, the women thrived and now live amazing lives. The second friend went through years of hell - the H wanted $$$$ and just would not settle. They finally came to an agreement and she was finally granted a D.

He now complains his life is not what he expected. All his friends abandoned him due to the way he treated his XW both during and after the marriage. He constantly "appears" at her home via manipulating the kids. He makes conflicting plans w/ kids just b/c he can. If she says we have plans in Sunday and kids are not free then, he will tell kids "I am only free Sunday" just to be a manipulative jerk.

I am hoping you will have your D granted quickly and become free from the drama.

He may be acting in a certain way NOW b/c his attorney advised him to knock it off b/c it makes negotiations more difficult. But whatever the reason, I hope he leaves your basement soon. You need some peace in your life.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:09 PM, Tuesday, December 5th]

Thanks the 1st wife - he is out and in his own apartment, such a relief.

I too hope this settles quickly!

Having him out of the house already is a huge advantage!! You will start to feel more peace.

I had to do IHS for over a year and it sucks. So celebrate this win.

And go forward with great regard and fortitude. Not all divorces are ugly nasty battles. I was prepared for a war but we mediated in 4 months and got through it way better than I could ever have hoped for. I credit 2 main reasons for this- both of us were done and mainly indifferent (emotions were low) AND we are both good parents and truly kept the 3 adult kids ahead of both of us. We wanted to show them an amicable situation because they all said that was important to them.

Just keep swimming.

Yes. It's all control. At one point my ex was SCREAMING at me how much he couldn't wait to divorce me because I was a B. I'm not, but that's not the point.
He was furious and threw every monkey wrench into the D process that he could. What should have taken 60 days took 11 months. He was so full of rage and vitriol towards me for daring to file for D.