SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My partner of 6 years, and husband of 4 years, has been having an online affair with his highschool sweetheart. Their emotional and sexual affair lasted for 10 months before I discovered the messages and confronted him.

Never in my lifetime would I have guessed that my husband would have the capacity to cheat on me. He has always been an incredibly loyal and caring friend to everyone around him, and his closest friends think highly of him. In 2022, we got pregnant with twins, and started the intense and overwhelming journey of becoming parents- to two babies! The girls were born in August and spent two very difficult months in the hospital due to prematurity. We were both completely exhausted, spent all of our parental leave in the hospital, and had to both return to work shortly after bringing them home. By January of 2023, we hadn't slept through the night in months, and our twins still needed a lot of extra care beyond a typical newborn. I've learned, that sometime in January is when my husband's ex-gf reached out to him.

Things started friendly, and my husband thought it was harmless. However, he never mentioned their reconnection to me. Shortly after they started talking, he changed her name in his phone to the name of a male mutual friend of ours and their conversations became sexually explicit. During this time I was experiencing severe Post-partum depression and suicidal ideation. He was my rock. He supported me and carried me during the darkest days of early motherhood. He helped me get into individual therapy and cheered me on when I was making progress. He supported me when I decided to quit full-time work so I could be a stay-at-home mom. Meanwhile, his online affair continued on and off.

It started to feel odd how frequently he messaged his male friend... I asked him about it. Why are you chatting with him so often? You seem to talk constantly. He replied, "oh, he's going through a hard time." I accepted that, and even felt proud that my husband was supporting his struggling friend on top of everything we were facing.

Around that time we were constantly fighting, snapping at each other, and having conflicts. Over the smallest things! Like which flavors of baby food to alternate for the twins! I chalked it up to sleep depravity, and it seemed like most people experienced this to some degree when transitioning into parenthood. We even did a few sessions with my individual therapist together to try to work on our conflict resolution. Things seemed to improve.

The work we did gave me some confidence back in our relationship, but over time I started to get an off feeling about the amount of messages he would continue to exchange with his buddy... it just didn't make sense. He has lots of friends, this friend is a bit removed and more of an acquaintance. Finally, in October, I was sitting down in our living room watching him play with our twins. His phone was on the armrest next to me, and I saw a notification come in. I was done wondering, I opened the chat and my heart stopped. An endless thread of messages and explicit photos of her. I didn't take a close look at the pictures, but I could just tell from the initial glance who it was. His high school gf that he had dated for five years into college.

I took the time to read the most recent exchange which was especially devastating. She confessed that she had never been able to find another connection like what they had. That she would never have that again... she is also married. He responded and essentially said the same thing back to her. I looked up at my kids, and thought, was this our last day as a family? The twins had just started to get more independent. Things were looking up for us. But, has my husband been settling for me for the past six years? Is this all about to end?

I immediately called him over and asked him to look at his phone. He broke down crying/sobbing. Told me yes, it's been going on for a year. I asked who the girl was. He said an ex... I asked more specifically.. he told me yes it's his highschool gf.

Today it's been about 1 1/2 months since I discovered it. We are both in individual therapy and in couples therapy. We are both committed to attempting reconciliation. We both want to stay together and have a happy future. I'm just terrified. Terrified that he was able to lie to me for such a long period of time. That it all happened with his first love, the girl he lost his virginity to, the girl he thought he would marry at one point.

He's told me that he wasn't interested in seeing her in real life (we live across the country from her), and that it was just an online escape when he was experiencing his own depression during the difficult year. He just got affirmation and pleasure out of it, and he has no desire for a future with her. He would reach out to her when he was horny, and masturbate to thoughts of her in our shower. She was someone he could voice his frustrations to, and the difficulties of parenthood, and they would exchange sexy photos.

I want to believe that it was just an escape, that it was just her because it was convenient, but how can I possibly be confident in anything he says to me? I always took him at his word, I never pried into his personal phone or computer, and we have ALL of each other's passwords and credentials. It's devastating to know he rekindled something with such a significant ex-lover, it makes me feel that he was never over her. It's horrifying to know it lasted for 10 months. 10 months of lying next to me, sleeping with me, visiting my family, raising our children together, and underneath his calm demeanor this absolutely disgusting lie.

Very sorry this happened to you OP.

I’m a guy whose wife also delivered multiples, even more than you. It was an extremely difficult time for our M as, recognizing it now in retrospect, my W had more than PPD, she seems to have suffered actual trauma from the extremely difficult pregnancy, weeks in NICU, and 24 hour care our kids needed. I was able to muster both live-in and paid overnight help - way more than most multiples get - but it seems to have still been not enough. I was rejected sexually almost continuously and was told "I only care about myself and wanting to get off". I’m still very hurt by that 20 years later, which also led to some deep-seated insecurities in our sexual relationship.

That said, I didn’t cheat, as in with someone else. I was late 20’s and early 30’s so I turned to porn, which my wife now views as basically cheating. In my mind at the time, porn was the only way thru, and I justified it by thinking it’s porn or I leave the M, and I decided my W & kids would be worse off with me ending the M.

I’m in no way at all justifying what your H did. If he was sexually rejected like I was, he should have made a different decision. No matter what you did or didn’t do, he was 100% wrong to do what he did. The question for you now is this: is this a deal-breaker or would you like to see if he’s willing to do the hard work of IC, in true remorse, and see if R is possible?

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of information and includes a list of the acronyms we use.

Congratulations on the birth of your twins. How incredible.

Right now, trust is broken and you can't trust what he says. Watch is actions because they will speak louder than words. Consistent trustworthy actions over time will help to restore trust, but you will probably never be back at 100%. But I will caution you that cheaters lie a lot, and then they lie some more.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald should be a must-read for your WH (wayward husband). Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

This may also cause you to experience depression, so please see your doctor if you need meds (or an increase in your meds.)

I'm glad you're already in IC (individual counseling). I want to caution you on MC (marriage counseling) because there are MCs that will try to shift part of the blame to you. The A (affair) is 100% on him and his conscious decisions to betray you.

Anyway, more people will be along to post. Hang in there, it will eventually get better.

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

It happened to me with my husband and his first love and nearly killed me.

I caught my husband about 10 years into our marriage in an identical situation and believed him because, to be frank, I was mentally and physically exhausted from the recent cancer fight and death of my mom. So I chose to believe him.

And it went underground until I caught him sexting another ex in 2018. At that point in the aftermath I found out he never stopped contact with his first love girlfriend until a couple days before he contacted the second ex. So over 20 years of cheating with this one woman. I cannot express how much this damaged me and my kids.

I've caught him three more times in the last 5 years texting her. Every time it kills me.

I guess I'm trying to say be careful. Your husband is a different man but I wouldn't have thought mine would do it either. I guess these women look pretty good from a distance; it is easy to be sexy and attractive and loving when you're not hip deep in the messiness of real life.

Take care of you and your kids.

Welcome Mshanks. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I second leafields post!!

Remember to take care of you. I know that's hard when you have twin babies but they need you to be strong and healthy.

As leafields said, watch his actions and be prepared for more lies to come to the surface.

Keep posting. We're here to help.

I think when the cheater uses excuses such as demanding kids, work, depression etc they are trying to rationalize their poor choices.

There is NO reason to cheat. If he needed an escape from the challenges of life, there were other options.

But my largest concern is the fact this was a HS / ex GF. I have personally seen a number of marriages break up due to the "one that got away" mentality. The fact that they both expressed this would concern me. They both pledged their "undying love" like a bunch of teenagers.

At least never allow him to attend a HS reunion. That would be my suggestion.

Welcome to SI, my W and I also have twins, one is severely autistic and spent most of the first year of life in the hospital. My W got very involved in the autism community and that is where she cheated. As much pain as the A heaps on us its even worse when you are already in a very stressful situation, and they point to the same stress we are going through as a reason.

You have been given very good advice so far, but you cannot move forward with R until he gives you all information. He need to write a timeline (who what when where and how). He has to put it in writing and feel every disgusting detail. You also need to find her BH and inform him, he is living in a lie and deserves to know the truth.

I am sorry you had a reason to find us, you are safe here, I wish you the best.

I’m a mother of twins and a mother of a newborn (all with husband #2, not with my ex). I know how harrowing the first year of parenting is, especially the Guantanamo Bay phase with brand-new twins. I also suffered from severe postpartum with suicidal ideation.

As painful and crushing as my ex’s betrayal was, I can’t imagine how it would’ve been 1000x worse if I had gone through it while I was a new mother with my twins; it might have literally killed me.

I have nothing to say about your husband except for a string of expletives. He is worth less than dogshit on your shoe and deserves to be treated as such.

Now for productive advice…

-Don’t worry about the fate of your marriage right now.
-Focus on taking care of yourself.
-Confide in a few people that you know and trust for support.
-Get therapy.

And most importantly…

-Contact her husband. He deserves to know what his wife has been up to and the easiest way to get this bitch out of your lives is to expose the affair. Do not tell your husband you’re doing this; he will warn her.

Hey friend. I hope you post more. Let us know you are reading.

I get it that it’s tough to come and share and we don’t flood you with a barrage of how the most difficult part is over and how easy the next steps might be. That we don’t confirm that by attending MC and IC and your husbands promises everything will be rosy on the road ahead. It could pan out that way, but our collective experience considers that extremely unlikely.
It’s precisely our collective experience that you should mine. This collective experience suggests that if all you do is consider this a problem of or caused by the marriage or babies and that it can be healed with MC and IC… you are more-or-less doomed to a repeat. The collective experience is pretty unified on that. The collective experience also has suggestions for how to help you get out of infidelity. The opinions might vary a bit here, but this is what I would suggest:

Number one: Let your husband know that if this gf is his soul-mate and the one that got away and the one he wanted to be with… everything he wrote in his posts to her… He should go be with her. Like NOW. Not to worry about the twins – you won’t prevent him from his time with them and you two can agree on an acceptable custody arrangement. Tell him that YOU refuse to remain married to him simply because he doesn’t want to miss every other week with the twins.
Tell him that if OW isn’t willing to leave her husband then that alone isn’t reason for him to remain with you. You completely 100% refuse to be the consolidation prize.
Make this clear to him: IF he tells you he doesn’t want to be with OW he is doing so totally 100% from his own choice.

What this does is possibly remove any fantasy he might have about "if only…". It makes him realize that he was gambling with his family, that he stands to lose you and his family if he acts like a sex-starved teenage boy. Basically: Man up!

Number two: Let her husband know… Don’t tell your husband you are doing this, don’t warn about it… just find him on social media and from there contact him and say something like "Hey. Your wife and my husband have been exchanging sexually explicit material on social media. My husband says it’s over, but I think you should know about it". This will let HER know that if she reaches out there is a fierce cat-woman willing to claw her eyes out. Furthermore the result will most likely be one of two: She cuts off all contact or your husband dismisses her. Being turned down by Prince Charming is a real turn-off…

Number three: His reasons for cheating have nothing to do with the marriage. Therefore you won’t find the answers in MC.
What MC can do is help you arrange time, help you communicate, help you so that he wakes up to the twins every third night and works home one day a week so you can sleep. Makes him understand why you don’t want half a bottle of wine, sexy lingerie and Marvin Gaye on the stereo while having passionate sex, and maybe even get you to understand that maybe every couple of weeks you two do need to take a quick roll while the twins sleep.

I have this theory: I think that nearly ALL infidelity is due to validation. Old GF that probably dumped him reaches out and he feels validation. This at the same time that the woman that he was the center of attention for places him in third-seat after the twins… (Heck… she should place him in fourth – after the twins and herself!). All of a sudden he’s getting validation that he was cool as a late-teenager, that he still is cool, that he can be the center of someone’s attention…

Now – we ALL need validation. Only most of us get it through healthy means. Like I feel validated when I pay all my bills on time, when I finish a project at work with a happy customer and happy boss, when I sit with my wife and kids and everyone is happy. Heck… even when my wife reaches for me in the night… I think this is because I am secure in myself and my role. I KNOW that my family is centered around my wife, and that her life was centered around the kids. I get my role back when they grow and move out – in that small gap between kids and grandkids… This does not equate to lack of love or less passion or anything of that nature. It’s simply the progression of life.

I think your husband needs IC to realize what being a man – a person – really is. It’s not the one with the biggest bicep or the most sexual conquests. It’s the one that stands up for his family. Frankly your husband failed big-time there…

Hi Mshanks. My condolences on this terrible betrayal and the utter shock of its discovery. I am so sorry. To now have to wrestle with this at what should be a wonderful time in your life and that of your family, let alone during the holidays, is tragic. My betrayal also took place when my children were young. Sure put a pall on what should have been joyous memories.

Before I comment, please let me preface my remarks with the fact that I am pretty tough on WWs, but I am doubly so on WHs. Especially those with a faithful wife and small children at home. I have this vision of what it means to be a strong, faithful man, husband and father and when I read of a man-child abdicating that role for a bowl of emotional/physical gruel, i grind my teeth....but I digress.

Now to this:

I want to believe that it was just an escape, that it was just her because it was convenient, but how can I possibly be confident in anything he says to me?

Answer: You absolutely cannot. Nor should you. The trust bank has been broken into & robbed and will take a lot of time (read years) and energy on his part to regain an acceptable level of trust and connection in order to establish a semblance of normalcy in your relationship. As the old saying goes, If you want to do the crime....

Take time for you now. Time to figure out what you want. Gather a support network around you of trusted family, friends and a good therapist. Keep posting here. Do not "turtle up" and try to go it alone.

Read in the healing library here, especially about the 180. You've already received some great tactical advice (please do inform the OBS immediately and warn no one).

Ill say this. IF, he becomes truly remorseful with all that entails and IF you are willing to let him try and repair/fill in that which is missing inside him (maturity, integrity, grasping true faithfulness & loyalty, etc) you can rebuild but it is a tough row to hoe. Youll just have to see if he is up to the task. He surely needs to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and follow it to the letter.

Finally, please expunge any and every thought of marital difficulty being the reason for his affair. Nope. Holds no water. This is on him and his failings 100%. No excuses.

Please keep posting your thoughts here. Its therapeutic.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:33 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

IC is only one of the many things he needs to do.

Also, don't share this site with him. This is your safe place. Bringing a freshly caught WS here is almost always unhelpful.

Thank you all for the encouragement, sympathy, and advice.

I took your words to heart and did a little digging to find the AP's husband. I reached out to him, and he responded. He is aware of the timeline and extent of their cheating. Thank you for your advice to take this step. I knew I wanted to do this, but it just took some time to get the courage to send the message.

This is the only update I can post for now, but I will come back when I have more time. Probably after the holidays.

Mshanks

First and foremost, congrats on contacting the OW's husband. A lot of people balk at taking that step, but it really is necessary, whether you hope to reconcile or not.

Second, I don't see in the other threads where this was mentioned or not, but your WH needs to permanently cut contact with the OW. That should be the bare minimum requirement for reconciliation. There is absolutely no point in any discussion, let alone MC, if he's still connected with her.

I don't know if you told your WH that you were planning to tell OW's husband, but if you didn't and your WH flips out on you for contacting him, then you immediately know that he's been speaking to her. If he blows up at you, tell him to go pound sand.

I just wanted to send a message to say that I so very sorry that you are going through this. I was also cheated on with ‘ the one that got away’. It’s a truly awful place to be when you know they have reached out to someone significant from their past. I just want you to know that I know how that feels and how it can undermine your whole world.

We did not R so I am not best placed to give advice re that.

Just know that you are not alone. We are here for you. We know the pain of betrayal and will be there for you every step of the way. It does get better.