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I need help. My WH is having an EA with a coworker and neither of them see it. My WH says she’s like a little sister, and he turned to her for marriage advice because her ex had an affair. Her advice was to take me on spontaneous dates. Which is all well and great except we have 5 kids and we can’t just spontaneously go on a date and leave them to fend for themselves…. So then I became the bad guy for not wanting to go on dates. It then turned into him running to her for everything. He’s also offered to help her financially, even though we are struggling. She will text him while she’s on a date and he’ll ask what underwear she’s wearing. They both say I love you to each other, but it’s just a brotherly/sisterly love🙄 I have told WH how I feel and he goes with the am I ever going to get over the past? I told him I couldn’t/ wouldn’t go through another affair and was thinking divorce might be the answer after all. The next night he gets into an accident at work. She’s the one that calls to tell me. She’s there at the hospital. She comforts my kids when I bring them to the hospital. She blames herself for the accident because if she had been there he would have been more careful. He has to be transferred to a trauma center. I ask for his personal belongings and she will not give them to me. Says she doesn’t want the kids to see the blood. Still don’t have his personal belongings now that he is home. My oldest started to say things like don’t be mad at her she’s just trying to help. So I messaged her and told her that I wasn’t mad at her and that the divorce talks were because of WH crossing the line. That somehow got turned into me calling her a whore and that she would be severing ties with WH and switching shifts. WH was furious and pouted because he lost a really good friend. WH tells me I need to apologize! I try to contact her and suggest a meeting between the 3 of us so we can be adults and move on. I have heard nothing from her, but WH is texting with her all hours of the day/night spilling his soul. When I barely get 5 words. He says he’s mad at me because I am not fighting for our marriage, and it’s true. I don’t have any fight left. Do I want a divorce? No, but I also don’t want to fight with another woman for my husband…. How can I get him to see what is going on?

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. The Healing Library has a ton of great information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

I would suggest the book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It has a quiz that you can take to figure out if something is an A (affair) or not...even an EA (emotional affair). For me, the chapter on windows and walls was a great example of setting boundaries and about who can see what.

You do not need to apologize to her. She has greatly overstepped her bounds over the work accident. I would go to HR and let them know about the issue.

Frankly, my brother NEVER asked about my underwear. EVER. That's incestuous and not a brotherly/sisterly love. (Feel free to check my bio by clicking on the person icon.)

If she has a partner, please let her partner know. If they've been close physically, it's more than likely that they have made this a PA (physical affair). You may want to be tested for STDs/STIs to be on the safe side. He should be tested, too. If he's at a trauma center, he wants to make sure that anything doesn't have a chance to get in his blood stream and cause issues.

If he's had multiple As, then this is his pattern of behavior and he's not likely to change. It's possible, but he'd have to do a ton of work to be a safe partner and serial cheaters rarely have the fortitude to do the work.

Please take care of yourself and your children. His behavior isn't due to anything you did or didn't do, but rather a reflection of his poor decisions.

I am sorry you had a reason to return, you know cheating when you see it. You WH IS in an EA and both of them are gaslighting you. ILY's and discussing underwear is not a Brother Sister type friendship. If she is such a good friend, you should be included in the friendship. Welcome back we are here for you.

I am seconding the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

You two need to read it, together.

After reading it, you may find that their relationship is heading down the slippery slope.

Over sharing, confiding intimate marital details is an indicator. If the EA partner knows things about your spouse or your own marriage that you don’t know. If your spouse feels more understood by the other person.

Hiding, omission, or outright lying about extramarital relationship communications is another. Deleting comms, using covert comms, apps.

Poor communication boundaries such as late night comms, excessive comms, excessive terms of endearment, sexual innuendo.

Intrusive thoughts, preoccupation

If your spouse rigorously protects, defends or prioritizes the extramarital relationship over the marital relationship, over your concerns.

If the extramarital relationship exists at the expense of the marital relationship.

If the extramarital relationship seems to be evolving, growing, with parties progressively growing closer together rather than stabilizing, plateauing.

If comparisons are made by your spouse between you and the other party.

Who is the first and last person your spouse communicates with at the beginning and end of the day. How does the frequency of communications compare to marital comms?

As Tanner says above, this isn’t you first rodeo. Your senses are highly attuned to boundary pressures.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:25 AM, Monday, December 18th]

MySonshine

First thing I noted was that this is your 88th post or thereabouts, so I went and looked at your profile. Registered back in 2011, so unless you were a child-bride I’m guessing the ages (29) in your footer are from that time 😊. One reason I did that check was the comment about your kid’s advice. Even if you had given birth at 18 that would be a pretty mature 10-year old…

Then I read your story in the profile. Honestly – it’s too confused for me to make total sense of it, but I got the main points. This is not the first time hes had an affair – physical or emotional – and based on the above he still hasn’t understood whats going on.

Then… just to confuse the situation a little more – you say:
So I messaged her and told her that I wasn’t mad at her and that the divorce talks were because of WH crossing the line.

What is the current status of your relationship with your husband?
If you are divorcing, then my advice will be totally different to if you two are reconciling… If you are headed for divorce then reading a book with him won’t do any good.
If – however – you are still harboring some hope for the marriage then it’s him that needs to change more than you. But… there are changes YOU can implement.
Like is she his boss? If not – then call HR, his boss or whatever and demand his personal stuff. Tell them that any inteferance by third-party will be heavily frowned upon and the next call to request his stuff will be via your attorney.
Tell your husband he’s free to call OW over and what not. Only that by doing so he’s clearly showing you his preference, and that you don’t accept being placed behind anyone else in his relationship-priorities.

Then – IF you are using divorce as a threat rather than with intent – STOP.
Or… better yet… progress on with realistic divorce talk. That is NOT "honey – If I don’t get your bloody shirt I might divorce you and you will have to pay child support and alimony and we will all be miserable…" but a more realistic:
"The way you seek validation outside the marriage isn’t sustainable nor acceptable. Since that’s the way you want to go then divorce is inevitable. I suggest you talk to a legal representative to see what that would look like for you, and I will do the same. I am certain we can reach an amicable decision based on the laws of our State."
And then you move on… If he chases after you… great… only he needs to do so based on the interest of the relationship rather than your personal interest. Like if its to the benefit of the RELATIONSHIP that you two maybe find a way to spend a Saturday evening together for 2-3 hours… you do so despite the 5-kid excuse. If it’s to the benefit of the RELATIONSHIP that he no longer work with OW then he makes that change.
But… if he still thinks you are in the wrong and OW is a princess… You know what you have to do.

He knows her underwear enough to understand in short form text which ones she’s wearing. This is not an EA