SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 6 months since DD#2 and I don't feel any more hopeful than I did 3 months out. Spouse is now FINALLY going to psychiatry to talk about meds for untreated ADHD but I fear it's too late. I am incredibly hurt and resentful that he didn't take action until his security was threatened (me leaving). Seeing me in pain, and hearing my cry didn't do it. His own shame and fear of losing me is what did it. I've been asking him to get help for a decade.
I have asked we live apart for a therapeutic separation for 6 weeks. I'd say longer but we can't find anything in our budget.
What are the telltale signs it's not going to work or that it's too late, too much to overcome?

Six months is still really early in the wake of Dday. Many people take longer than 6 months to commit to a course of action, be it divorce or reconciliation. In my case, it took me 3 years and another Dday with a different OW to finally decide to file for divorce.

But speaking specifically of your situation, you've been with your husband for 30 years. Throughout that time (according to your other posts), you have shouldered the burden of keeping the marriage afloat. Therapy and medicine can help someone better manage a mental illness, but they won't result in a complete character transplant. Even if he never cheats on you again, is this person and this relationship acceptable to you?

I think the risk that you're taking with the 6-week "therapeutic separation" is that your husband is going to do the bare minimum that you've demanded of him (such as see a psychiatrist and get a prescription for meds) but then slip right back into his old behaviors and habits the minute you're back together.

In my opinion, rather than putting yourself in limbo by living a part temporarily, make it a legal separation and file for divorce. Will he commit to managing his mental illness and improving himself as a person without you forcing his hand? The divorce won't be finalized over the night, so if you see him making meaningful progress, you can always halt the process and reconsider reconciliation. But if he throws up his hands and does nothing, which is more likely, then you won't waste anymore of your precious life.

Unfortunately, there's no one size fits all answer to this. Do you feel like this is a dealbreaker and you're ready to get out? Or are you willing to wait to see if this time he's going to change? This could be what gets his head out of his behind, but you could be done with it all. There's never a guarantee that you won't be back 1, 5, 10 years later with the same problem.

Telltale signs are no improvement after time, words do not consistently match actions, defensiveness, blameshifting, etc.

I spent almost three decades married to Partner with ADHD, although undiagnosed. I've done workshops and read books. I've done it all. One thing I've learned is that ADHD often comes with an add on. In my WW'S case, it was probably aspergers, coupled with some other stuff from her FOO.

Being married to her was like being married to a toddler. I always had to be the adult and not only was it exhausting, but I became the bad guy, ruining her fun. The whole process cost me so much. I lost part of myself during that time and i will never get that back. That is the cold hard truth of it. I finally came to the point in my life where I was done parenting an adult. I have one life to live and I can't spend it emptying myself for the sake of another, until there isn't anything left.

Now I live my life in peace, while hers is one of chaos.

Edit: sorry if my post came off as overly negative.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:20 PM, Tuesday, January 9th]

"What are the telltale signs it's not going to work or that it's too late, too much to overcome?"

A second Dday.

I think beyond his adhd and shame issues I would have a hard time with two d days 12 years apart. What did he work on the first time he cheated? Was it just rug swept, did he know the pain he caused and he did this again, or was your second d day just more information about the initial A?
I’ve set a hard boundary that if he displays any affair behavior EA or PA of any kind a second time I am done. I know we can never know for sure what we would do in a circumstance but I just don’t see being married to someone that would be that cruel to do this again. And I get it leaving a long marriage is very very hard.
I believe my WH has adhd and probably Asperger’s. Not formally diagnosed but I see signs and my daughter is very challenged with adhd and autism. I see how I’ve been running the household our whole marriage and generally just overfunctioning. He also tends to be so sensitive to any perceived criticism which I think tends to go along with adhd. (Rejection sensitivity). I would just tell him about a problem in our yard and he would think I was criticizing him. He’s come a very long way with that. He is not defensive at all, and his selfish behaviors are minimal. I see so much of a difference. It did take about a year of discussing these things and him doing therapy to really see consistent change. It hurts me too that he didn’t fix himself sooner. It did take him hitting rock bottom to make changes. But I think that is how some people are.
The pouting and woe is me really grates at me. My wh did that at first and I told him I could not deal with that. He brought this on himself and the shame he felt he had to work on in counseling. That is not my problem and I will not hold back on how much he’s dissapointed me and hurt me. I’m almost 2 years from d day and seeing huge changes in him. He’s taking full responsibility and stepping up at home like never before. He’s actually the perfect spouse right now. And he’s been consistent for a year. I am still not sure we will reconcile and I’ve told him that. I may not feel completely committed for many more years. He has to live with that uncertainty. I think a wayward spouse really has to move mountains. Otherwise the resentment is so deep. I can see why you feel like you are done. I think a separation with plans to divorce is a solid plan with the openness to seeing if he will work on himself and change

My H doesn’t have ADHD but just a whole bunch of ego and entitlement.

He had 2 affairs 15 years apart. Like you after dday2 of Affair2 I was done! Divorce (initiated by me) was going to happen.

It took my H about 6 months to get me to consider R. It took me 12 months to stop thinking "I need to D him" every day.

My H did some IC - enough to understand the trauma he caused us. 10 years later it still shows up every so often.

I don’t know what your future holds. It really depends on what YOU see your future as. While counseling and meds may help him, some things may not change.

One example comes to mind. My H was upset over my decision to D him (b/c he spent his entire affair telling me he was D me). He told me he was meeting up with a friend. I begged him not to tell our friend he cheated or we were having trouble. The friend’s wife is a gossip and would tell her kid and everyone she knows. He comes home and I instantly knew he talked to our friend about our situation.

It’s things like that — you just want to punch someone. I was furious and referred to him betraying me yet again. He agreed not to say anything to his friend but did it anyway. 😡

My point is — therapy and medication and hard work can change his behavior. But will that be enough to make you happy? He is still going to be who he is in many ways.

I think you need to decide what YOU want and does he fit into your vision of your future. Maybe yes or maybe no. I think it’s time to put yourself first.

DD#1 was me catching him flirting and texting with a classmate (too complimentary, "if I wasn't married I'd be interested in you" etc.). Then DD#2 was about some kissing from even BEFORE DD#1 with a different person. DD#2 also contained a current text flirting and inappropriate communication with a long-distance coworker.
I have filed for divorce to get the ball rolling while I sit on the fence and observe actions on his behalf.
He is starting medication for ADHD tomorrow and realizes it's the last effort.
He is meeting someone Friday to potentially house-sit for 2 1/2 months for a trial separation. BluerThanBlue I am worried about him falling back as soon as he returns.
JustSomeGuy, not negative, honest and I think about the toddler thing a lot.
Everyone else, really spot on...thank you always for your feedback and comments.

Additional D-Days, False R and lack of empathy from him were too much to overcome. Didn't matter if he changed completely, decided to go to therapy, whatever I was done.

What are the telltale signs it's not going to work or that it's too late, too much to overcome?

For me it was no attraction or love felt towards my xWS. If he was breathing I was irritated. Whenever he came home I would feel my whole body tense up with dread. I couldn't stand him in the end and knew it was time to pull the plug. There was no coming back from this.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:50 PM, Tuesday, January 9th]