SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been just over a year since the worst day of my life...the day my STBXH confessed to a 1+ year long affair with a MCOW 18 years his junior. We formally separated that day.

A few days after my attorney completed the divorce petition (but before he was served) I got an email from the STBXH stating he was hiring an attorney for divorce proceedings. I replied that was unnecessary since my attorney had already drafted the papers and I requested he pay 1/2 her fees. He agreed.

The thing I'm struggling with is HIM wanting to D ME. I guess I kind of thought service of papers would surprise him and he'd be unhappy about it, at least a little. It further reinforces the thing that has been hardest for me lately...the injustice of it all. All I ever wanted for my life was a happy marriage and a decent job. I never needed to be rich, famous, or beautiful, just have a normal life with a partner. He didn't care enough about our marriage to remain faithful and yet he gets to immediately move in with his AP and I suspect his desire to divorce quickly comes from his desire to marry her. Otherwise, why would he care?

I have never, not for one moment, wanted him back after I found out about the A. Sure, I wished it had never happened, but once it had I knew I didn't want him back. I didn't want to live with the anxiety of waiting for another one. With that said, it has always made me feel like garbage that he doesn't want me. The jealousy makes me feel even worse. Not jealous of her that she gets him, but jealous of the both of them that they get the live-in partnership I want.

She gets a proven liar and cheater. The fact he tried to discard you so callously shows his true narc self. Whatever BS life they try and portray know that it is shallow and fake.

She’s done you a favour because now you get to find someone better.

Also gonna add: would you really want to build a life with someone who could leave his/her old one behind so callously without a second thought? He may intend to marry her, but he’s far from being marriage material.

I understand how you feel completely. I felt the same way. The injustice of it was overwhelming. I hated him for cheating, but I wanted my marriage and family to remain intact, and instead he was giving that to her. I felt like a misfit in a world full of loving couples.

The good news is, this will pass. You were very decisive in filing for divorce, so trust your gut. You are mourning a life you thought you would have forever, which is completely normal. It's just like we feel when a loved one dies unexpectedly. Something we thought we'd have forever is suddenly gone. But even when that happens, we learn to adjust and slowly move on.

When I was where you are, little by little my mind allowed me to remember the times things just didn't add up. The constant feeling that all was not as it seemed. The more I remembered the easier it was to move forward. Little by little you realize that you have a whole new chapter ahead of you, and it has all the possibilities of being the best chapter.

I get this. My ex didn’t fight for me or even try to get me back even one time. I realize now that he didn’t have the courage to try to rebuild what he broke, and he had no interest in examining his flaws and his shortcomings. He took the easy way out for him, which was to shut the door on our past and move forward with his AP. And as much as it hurt, and it brought me to my knees, it was actually the kindest thing he could do.

I’ll never know if he didn’t want me or whether he just knew that he didn’t have what it took to repair the damage he created, but either way this was the only way forward for either of us. And I’m glad he didn’t drag out false R longer. Maybe, just maybe, this is the one time that they had enough self-awareness to understand that they couldn’t do what would have been needed. And maybe it didn’t have anything to do with whether or not, they loved us.

I hope you continue to heal, and I hope time brings you some clarity around this. It’s a good topic for IC if you are in that as well. Or just for journaling.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your kind and thoughtful words!

The analogy I keep thinking of is it's like you have a great job, the one you always wanted and thought you would retire from. You worked long and hard to get that job and then, one day, your boss comes in and says, "You've been a good employee, but we're replacing you anyway." You gather your things, pull yourself together, and eventually start applying for new jobs because you enjoyed the work. Except now, rather than being comfortable and confident in your field as someone established, you're having to go one job interviews and work your way up from the bottom again.

This is how it feels dating again. I met a guy who is really kind and decent, but it's different. We don't have 17 years of history, we don't see each other every day, and we don't live together. I feel like I'm applying for a job I already had.

Hi, Ball! That is an interesting analogy for dating. I am closing in on that chapter very quickly, now, and your viewpoint is one I can relate to. Thank you for sharing!

Ball

I wanted to share that I applied for a better relationship "job" and got it!

I left a relationship "job" where ex wh lied, cheated, exposed me to risks I did not consent to and on and on

I wish you continued peace and healing and that you find a truly genuine and companionable relationship of your dreams. Not the stuff nightmares are made of like I lived with ex wh.

Thanks everyone!

I definitely get that I'm lucky to have not wasted time in false R, but it still hurts that the STBXH just up and left after 17 years. I've realized he gave me the illusion of choice in telling me about the A and allowing me to kick him out, but he already had his bag packed (literally and figuratively). It made me feel slightly in control, but his lack of desire to get me back made me realize he'd already made his choice. So, any bit of strength or comfort I'd gleaned from being strong enough to kick him out folded when I realized I'd never actually had a choice to make. He'd left me, not the other way around, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

This all makes me feel like I have no control over anything in my life...things can just go terribly wrong with no warning and there's nothing I can do except try and rebuild AGAIN. Except, this time I'm trying to rebuild my entire life at 44. I already fought for what I wanted, why do I have to do it all over again? I used to tell my STBXH all the time how glad I was I didn't have to ever date again because I hated it because of the uncertainty, anxiety, and lack of feeling safe. I loved being in a long-term relationship, even if it was a bit boring at times. I was proud that I had been married for 15 years and now I feel shame. I'm not sure why, but I'm embarrassed to be my age and not be married. I feel like people look at me and either wonder what's wrong with me or feel sorry for me. I realize that realistically they're probably not thinking of me at all (most people, including me, spend most of the time thinking about themselves), but I still wonder.

So, any bit of strength or comfort I'd gleaned from being strong enough to kick him out folded when I realized I'd never actually had a choice to make. He'd left me, not the other way around, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I'm going to reframe this for you - the strength and comfort should not change. You DID choose to kick him out because that was what was right for YOU. You did not waver. You did not do the demoralizing pick-me dance. You stood up for you WITHOUT knowing what he wanted (or even knowing if he knew what he wanted).

I TOTALLY get the ego-bruise from him not fighting/trying to stick around, or likely thinking he hadn't even giving you any time to catch your breath. BUT - YOU HAD caught your breath and were making moves already! I would hazard a guess that hurt his ego a tad...you didn't even try to get him to stay. I know my WH would not have fought had I said I was going to file - not then at D-day. He was too much of a coward (he is still fighting now even after we terminated our marriage BTW) but had I done what you did, I likely would not have talked to him for years, if ever.

I’ve spent a lot of time working through the lack of control. I "did everything right" and yet I was hurt terribly. I was good and honest and kind and loyal. But cheated on and discarded all the same.

My house burned down in the wildfires with thousands of other homes and my house was the only one in my neighborhood that was built properly for the area- stucco and concrete roof tiles and cleared landscape, etc. It burned the same as people who did everything "wrong" with overgrown property, shake wood shingles, etc.

I was a star employee and had a blip in performance after DDAY. And that was used to lay me off not long after DDAY. (Layoff of one - so I was fired but at least with a severance package. I had to sue to get my full compensation that was owed.) Before that I was the poster child held up as an example of what good looked like.

This is a hard reality to swallow. We just don’t control everything. And even when do all the right things, we can be hurt. Life is not fair, the "rules" don’t really apply.

So all we can do is control what we can control. Ourselves. Be our best selves. Do the right thing. Be good and kind. And, whether we like it or not, accept that there will be some hardships that we cannot control, even intentional hurt by the people we love. It just sucks sometimes. And of course it is gloriously joyful other times. And none of it affects your worth or value or lovability or right to live a good life. We’ve been trained since childhood that if we follow the rules, success and rewards will follow. Real life is not nearly so reliable.

Keep moving forward, enjoy your new relationship, and marvel at how well you have weathered this. Because it is really amazing that in such a short period of time you have come so far.

This all makes me feel like I have no control over anything in my life...things can just go terribly wrong with no warning and there's nothing I can do except try and rebuild AGAIN. Except, this time I'm trying to rebuild my entire life at 44. I already fought for what I wanted, why do I have to do it all over again? I used to tell my STBXH all the time how glad I was I didn't have to ever date again because I hated it because of the uncertainty, anxiety, and lack of feeling safe. I loved being in a long-term relationship, even if it was a bit boring at times. I was proud that I had been married for 15 years and now I feel shame. I'm not sure why, but I'm embarrassed to be my age and not be married. I feel like people look at me and either wonder what's wrong with me or feel sorry for me.

That is the thing about life, we don't have control over anything. People can lose a spouse, their friends and children to death. We have no control over that. All we can be sure of is how to get through these obstacles.

You are still young at 44 I would not be embarrassed at all. People don't wonder what is wrong. People get divorced everyday at any age. Hell I had to start over at 50 and I also met the most wonderful man who is now my partner and is better than my xWS in spades.

Life constantly changes there is no safety in it we just have to love and trust ourselves that we overcome the best that we can.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I hear you.

If it makes you feel any better at all, know that even though they are both together - they will never truly know happiness and fulfillment. They are two broken people with poor character and low esteem that gravitated toward one another to fill each others empty spaces, spaces/voids that will never be truly filled. They’ll boost one another’s ego’s and hijack each others feel good brain chemicals temporarily until reality sets in, that deep down they’re a human with low self esteem/worth, that doesn’t know how to fill their own cup.

This journey is hard, I’m so sorry you’re here. Remember that you are the prize. Life has given us this really crappy situation, but we can turn it around and come out on the other side with something beautiful for our own selves. Stick to healing, stick to building yourself up, get into IC if you’re not already. You’ve hot this 🩵 eventually as you do your own work you’ll start to find your peace, and when you’re ready, you’ll know how to find a partner that truly deserves you. A partner that gives you everything you give them. You deserve nothing less.

Hugs.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I couldn't even begin to explain to people outside of this group how much help it has been to me, but you all know.

I love what a few of you said about control...how it doesn't really exist outside of ourselves. I have realized through this how many things in my life I do because I falsely believed they gave me control over outcomes. I think that's part of the reason people always ask what caused a death after you tell them your family member died. It's not so they can be sensitive, it's so they can hold on to that false sense of control. Like, that person smoked and I don't, so I won't die; or that person drove frequently in heavy traffic; or that one had bad genes. None of it is actual control, it's just an illusion of control.

You're very right, TISL, it is one hell of an ego bruise. I'd call it an ego pummeling or maybe assault...attempted murder even. It's brutal. The worst is feeling like I can be lied to for so long and not have a clue. What other things have I missed? And also, how shitty am I that he would risk what I thought was a good life for god knows what? It's all just too much.