SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

I have been looking at this website ever since my wife had an affair nearly three years ago. I have never posted but now feel the need for some support from people that have been where I am right now. My wife had an affair lasting only a couple of months, but it has destroyed my family and my marraige. We decided to stay together and work through our problems. This has been so hard for us both and continues to be so. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. I thought things were OK until it felt like things were changing about six months ago. I mentioned this to my wife and she continued to reassure me that things were OK. But it felt off. It felt like things were changing. Fast forward to now and things really have changed. We bicker more. She is a lot less understanding in my view there is often an excuse in the bedroom and we just don't seem to do or go anywhere toegether. She says she hasn't changed but I fee she has. I have now found out that she is texting a male friend that is is nearly half her age from work. They text daily and her response to me is that he is gay. I have seen that she has text him as soon as she has got up and just before going to bed. One thing I can rely on is that I do know he is gay. I see her using her phone just like she did when she was having the affair. It's such a big trigger for me. I have tried to explain this and she has said she understands and she gets it, but he is her friend she keeps telling me over and over that he is gay. I understand I can't tell her who she can have as a friend. But how can I sit next to her on the sofa while she is waiting for a text from another man. Am I being un reasonable. How can I just sit here and wait for something to happen again. In my head I would have thought that she crossed bounderies in her last affair and this is just playing with fire. It's like I'm in pain and she is texting another man. It's doesn't matter if he is gay or not or if he is a friend. It's triggering for me. It takes me back to them times and I don't know what to do. I have tried taking to her about it. She gets it, but she isn't giving that friendsship up. I don't want her to either. But I do want her to see how this would make me feel. She just keeps saying he is gay and he is no threat. I explained that how can I sit here seeing her texting like is use to when she was having the affair. Her answer was she doesn't know and that's up to me to over come that. I have just tried talking to her in between writing this. I explained again, how the trigger of texting makes me feel and she got defensive and walked away. I asked her not to walk away and stay and talk to me about it, she said I am making her mad. I just want some support, some understanding. I don't want her to stop texting. But now she is making me feel guilty by saying she just wont use her phone again, she resents me even though I keep telling her to text him. He isn't the issue here. Why do I do now. We should be putting our relationship first. But unless I accept this situation I have no idea where we go from here.

I have been looking at this website ever since my wife had an affair nearly three years ago.

I have never posted but now feel the need for some support from people that have been where I am right now.

My wife had an affair lasting only a couple of months, but it has destroyed my family and my marraige.

We decided to stay together and work through our problems. This has been so hard for us both and continues to be so.
It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I thought things were OK until it felt like things were changing about six months ago. I mentioned this to my wife and she continued to reassure me that things were OK. But it felt off. It felt like things were changing.

Fast forward to now and things really have changed. We bicker more. She is a lot less understanding in my view there is often an excuse in the bedroom and we just don't seem to do or go anywhere toegether. She says she hasn't changed but I fee she has.

I have now found out that she is texting a male friend that is is nearly half her age from work. They text daily and her response to me is that he is gay. I have seen that she has text him as soon as she has got up and just before going to bed. One thing I can rely on is that I do know he is gay. I see her using her phone just like she did when she was having the affair.

It's such a big trigger for me. I have tried to explain this and she has said she understands and she gets it, but he is her friend she keeps telling me over and over that he is gay. I understand I can't tell her who she can have as a friend. But how can I sit next to her on the sofa while she is waiting for a text from another man.

Am I being un reasonable. How can I just sit here and wait for something to happen again. In my head I would have thought that she crossed bounderies in her last affair and this is just playing with fire.

It's like I'm in pain and she is texting another man.

It's doesn't matter if he is gay or not or if he is a friend. It's triggering for me. It takes me back to them times and I don't know what to do.

I have tried taking to her about it. She gets it, but she isn't giving that friendsship up.

I don't want her to either.

But I do want her to see how this would make me feel. She just keeps saying he is gay and he is no threat.

I explained that how can I sit here seeing her texting like is use to when she was having the affair. Her answer was she doesn't know and that's up to me to over come that.

I have just tried talking to her in between writing this. I explained again, how the trigger of texting makes me feel and she got defensive and walked away. I asked her not to walk away and stay and talk to me about it, she said I am making her mad.

I just want some support, some understanding. I don't want her to stop texting. But now she is making me feel guilty by saying she just wont use her phone again, she resents me even though I keep telling her to text him.

He isn't the issue here. Why do I do now.
We should be putting our relationship first.

But unless I accept this situation, I have no idea where we go from here.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. This is making you uncomfortable. You are telling her it's making you uncomfortable and she is telling you to get over it. She's not putting the marriage first in my opinion.

If this guy is truly just a friend and he is truly gay, they can keep their friendship at work. Texting for seeing when you wake up and right before bed is a red flag to me of a deeper emotional attachment.

Your WW doesn’t respect you much, if at all. I would deeply encourage IC for you as to why you tolerate being treated this way. Could be some co-dependency going on.

Serious question: what is keeping you married to her? Write it down and consider each item.

I’m going to be blunt here. I didn’t read your entire post, because I don’t need to. It’s the same ole as every other BS who comes here or any other infidelity group.

No. You’re not being unreasonable and you know it, and you are being Gaslit by your WW.
I’m guessing you rugsweept the first affair and didn’t establish boundaries. Now she’s doing it again. I’m sorry, I absolutely understand what it’s like being gaslit, and it’s horrible.

She’s having an EA, and he isn’t gay. You know it.

You need to establish boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are not to control others, but for your protection. "You can have relationships with other men if you choose, but you can’t do it as my wife" is a very important boundary after the first A. I personally don’t think men and women can be "just friends", and in a post affair marriage, it can’t happen period. My WW used to always have guy friends, she doesn’t anymore and she knows that if she makes any new guy friends that I’m out.

Your WW shouldn’t, but she did, now you have to do what’s right for you.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you feel the need to post. I'd say that she's having an EA. May not be sexual in nature, but she's choosing to not invest time on your relationship.

Have you read the book Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass? There's a quiz she can take to find out.

IDK ... what do you want her to do instead? Have you asked her to do that? For example, my W and I both have back problems. I can sit on a sofa without pain, but she can't, so she usually doesn't. I often surf the web while watching TV, but not when she is sitting next to me. If you haven't asked he to do something specific instead of texting or if she texts during a passive activity, the problem is likely to be in you, and a good IC can help.

OTOH, texting when she wakes up and before ending her day is a very different problem, IMO. Neither my W nor I are morning people, but we connect with each other most days before connecting with anyone else, and after anybody else at the end of the day. If your W isn't doing that, it looks like she's in an EA.

What has your W done since her A 3 years ago? If she hasn't done some heavy internal work to change from betrayer to good partner, preferably with a good IC, I think she is not a good risk for the future, and your present discomfort is telling you that.

You're more likely to succeed in staying together if you figure out what you want and ask for it. Whether she agrees and delivers or not tells you what you need to know. At this point, she knows you're uncomfortable but doesn't know what would make you comfortable. She can't read your mind.

To avoid her defensiveness you might try 1) telling her via email so she can process your concerns before you talk (this may help reduce her fight/flight reaction) 2) make sure she is aware that you want to understand her perspective as much as for her to understand yours 3) that if you love each other you should be able to come up with a compromise.

If this does not work, then her defensiveness and resentment may become the issue rather than the texting forntge next conversation. Use the steps above again but email "I am concerned that when I try to share concerns you get defensive and hurt instead of listening to my point of view and sharing yours. How can we get closer if we can't discuss how we feel? I want to hear what you think about this and how we can improve"

If that moves the needle, then you can try whatever you agree to on the original topic again.

If two efforts like that fail, you might try a mild 180 and see if that gers her attention.

Btw, my wife has a gay friend at work and I was initially a bit skeptical. I did learn he is indeed gay, met his husband etc. However, my wife established a boundary or two with him that did no harm to their friendship. One boundary is she told him not to use the term work-wife, which he was using. And she does text him but not frequently... only when he has a problem or issue.

He may be gay. Or he could be bi.

It doesn't matter.

She knows this is hurting you. She doesn't care. She is telling you her friendship with this man is more important than you. Very clearly.

After an affair, it's very common to establish a "no friends of the opposite sex " boundary.

I have to wonder if she was ever truly remorseful. If she was, this wouldn't be an issue. She would immediately have stopped the minute it caused you pain.

What work did she do to become a safe partner?

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:39 PM, Monday, March 4th]

1. She has had an A so you get to choose your boundaries.
2. How can she say he is definitely not bisexual unless she has asked him if he has ever slept with a woman?
3. If she has asked him whether he has ever slept with a woman they are way too close (IMO).
4. Texting first thing in AM and last thing at night - major red flag (as mentioned by others).

@Stillconfused2022

1. She has had an A so you get to choose your boundaries.

To be honest I don't think she sees it that way. She sees it as she made a mistake and she isn't cheating now. She wont do it again. I have tried to tell her what makes me feel uncomfortable and what I need. She use to do it, she use to show me that she understands. But now its all changed. She is so different in so many ways. But she doesn't see it.

She sees boundaries as being controlling.

2. How can she say he is definitely not bisexual unless she has asked him if he has ever slept with a woman?

Just because he acts camp I think she sees him as being off limits and safe.

3. If she has asked him whether he has ever slept with a woman they are way too close (IMO).

I don't think they have ever talked about that

4. Texting first thing in AM and last thing at night - major red flag (as mentioned by others).

May be its not every day fist thing and last thing. But it feels like she use to have time for me. I have said this to her. She would always text me. I would text back and she would always she me she was trying. But now she has time for everyone else. Im the bottom of the list.

I have tried to talk to her about that fact that I feel she has changed. She wont listen. Its causing a problem that wasn't there for the past two years in our R

@HellFire

She does know that its hurting me and its affecting our reconciliation. But now she is saying that she hates the arguing and she is tired.

Instead of sticking around and working through or issues like we once did when deep in R she now walks away and tells me how bad I am for making us argue.

After an affair, it's very common to establish a "no friends of the opposite sex " boundary.

The way she see this is that he is her friend and I'm being unreasonable. She keeps telling me that im stupid. He is gay how could anything happen. I have nothing to worry about.

But i am worried. Not about the gay lad. But about the fact that its already making rifts in between us. Why isn't she seeing that?

I do believe that she was remorseful and still is at times. She really was trying so hard. We both were.

But now I'm told things like she doesn't have time to text me all the time, she is tired and i need to help myself.

What work did she do to become a safe partner?

She hasn't done anything really apart from end it with the AP.

@Trdd

I have tried talking to her on email and I have also tried on text. I have also tried many times face to face, I have opened up my heart with regards to how I feel.

It feels like over the past two years she was always there. Texting, making me feel safe. But in the last 6 months things have changed. She doesn't text me through out the day any more. Not like she once did. She doesn't give me the feeling of being safe when we argue. If I text it can be two or three hours before I hear back. But she use to text back straight away. She manages to text her friend and her AP back straight away.

I don't mind her having a gay friend at work. I have no right to say who she can and cant be friends with. But its clearly caused us issues in our R

It feels like she isn't listening to me or under standing how this would make me feel.

I don't want to jeopardise our R

I just wish things could go back to as they was even when we was deep in R

@Dennylast

Im married to her because I still love her. I some times ask the question why is she still married to me as she is clearly getting bored again.

I dont think anything is going on with this guy. I think he really is a friend. But our R os being affected. But she isn't seeing that

The fact that she isn't seeing problems within our R is concerning

I don't want to jeopardise our R

You have a wife who is completely disregarding your feelings. A wife who manages to text her friends back,immediately, but not you.

You're not jeopardizing anything.

She keeps telling me that im stupid.

This is verbal and emotional abuse.

She hasn't done anything really apart from end it with the AP.

This bare minimum. There's more to no longer being a wayward,than not having sex with someone else. She's done zero work on herself. Everything inside, that allowed her to cheat,ia still very much present.

How do you know he's gay? Other than her telling you, how do you know?

I absolutely hate the "but X is gay" answer for stuff. I have no idea why that would make any difference. So sex might not occur but that is only one part of betrayal. EA has no limitations on straight or not. And there are plenty of one sided affairs where the other party has no interest at all that are equally as devastating. I don’t recall the "Not just friends" book specific excluding gay friends as risks…

I feel she is again prioritizing her wants/needs to keep this friend over you/marriage.

I had a boundary that my fWW would have me on all communication with opposite sex for a long time. I have relaxed that now but if I felt uncomfortable, I would not hesitate to require it again. Refusal would likely be a dealbreaker because it reflects a heart issue. These are lifetime consequences for their choices in my opinion.

I have been looking at this website ever since my wife had an affair nearly three years ago.

I have never posted but now feel the need for some support from people that have been where I am right now.

My wife had an affair lasting only a couple of months, but it has destroyed my family and my marraige.

We decided to stay together and work through our problems. This has been so hard for us both and continues to be so.
It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

It's important not to comingle her affair with your shared problems. The affair is her problem. Your shared relationship is it's own thing with it's own problems.

I thought things were OK until it felt like things were changing about six months ago. I mentioned this to my wife and she continued to reassure me that things were OK. But it felt off. It felt like things were changing.

Fast forward to now and things really have changed. We bicker more. She is a lot less understanding in my view there is often an excuse in the bedroom and we just don't seem to do or go anywhere toegether. She says she hasn't changed but I fee she has.

I have now found out that she is texting a male friend that is is nearly half her age from work. They text daily and her response to me is that he is gay. I have seen that she has text him as soon as she has got up and just before going to bed. One thing I can rely on is that I do know he is gay. I see her using her phone just like she did when she was having the affair.

Zero transference of vigilance. She doesn't get that what she is doing is problem or could be perceived as a problem. She doesn't care if she is hurting you and she is telling you that you should be hurt as she prods you with a hot poker.

It's such a big trigger for me. I have tried to explain this and she has said she understands and she gets it, but he is her friend she keeps telling me over and over that he is gay. I understand I can't tell her who she can have as a friend. But how can I sit next to her on the sofa while she is waiting for a text from another man.

Read above. She either doesn't get it, or doesn't care that she is hurting you, or both.

She is failing you here.

Am I being un reasonable. How can I just sit here and wait for something to happen again. In my head I would have thought that she crossed bounderies in her last affair and this is just playing with fire.

It's like I'm in pain and she is texting another man.

It's doesn't matter if he is gay or not or if he is a friend. It's triggering for me. It takes me back to them times and I don't know what to do.

Ask her to turn to you first. Not him.

I have tried taking to her about it. She gets it, but she isn't giving that friendsship up.

I don't want her to either.

But I do want her to see how this would make me feel. She just keeps saying he is gay and he is no threat.

I explained that how can I sit here seeing her texting like is use to when she was having the affair. Her answer was she doesn't know and that's up to me to over come that.

It's not about threat. It's about priority. If she isn't going to make you a priority, you have no reason to believe she has changed her thinking from the A.

I have just tried talking to her in between writing this. I explained again, how the trigger of texting makes me feel and she got defensive and walked away. I asked her not to walk away and stay and talk to me about it, she said I am making her mad.

I just want some support, some understanding. I don't want her to stop texting. But now she is making me feel guilty by saying she just wont use her phone again, she resents me even though I keep telling her to text him.

He isn't the issue here. Why do I do now.
We should be putting our relationship first.

But unless I accept this situation, I have no idea where we go from here.

Set boundaries and expectations. Agree what a normal level of texting is in a friendship. A few a day maybe. Maybe not even every day. Don't accept the unacceptable.

Are you sure that is who she is texting? My WS had his AP in his phone under then name of a guy at work. So if I saw him texting, I thought it was this guy, not her. Check the actual number, b/c something is not adding up in her actions.

Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

I also want to say I'm speaking to you from a very similar experience. It's hard to dig up all my previous threads, but my wife was friends with a gay man that was mutual friends with AP. I ended up asking for a divorce from her in writing because she couldn't maintain boundaries I thought were reasonable in terms of having friends and setting priorities.

She is no longer friends with that guy, mostly they just lost touch. She is friends with another guy, but she is extremely open about their communication and it happens at a level that is appropriate for friends. Closer to once a week. Mostly focused on fantasy football shit talk during NFL season. Nothing about relationship issues.

I can easily explain to you the differences and the feeling of the differences between her appropriate relationships and the ones that utilized too much of her emotional energy and time. Energy and time that ought to be directed into our relationship.

What you are sensing is exactly this overabundance of energy and time going into a secondary relationship that belongs in her primary relationship with you.