SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I never thought I will be back here. I tried to even find my previous posts I couldn't as it has been sometime now. Maybe it is for the best so I don't read it and relive it.

So I guess I stayed in the relationship because I was trying to find out WHY WHY WHY ME WHAT DID I DO ETC.

We were living but not happy, there were some period where we were happy but lately not especially her, she keeps crying and say she changed and I'm stuck in the past. Any arguments we have I'd bring the cheat up.

It was not fair for her and wasn't good for me. I couldn't have kids with her because I wasn't sure if the cheat won't cross my mind when I see them and how low I may feel.

I never saw her cheat coming before, I'm never physically aggressive, I went away for family emergency and she just left the house and put the key through letterbox.

9 years all together she messed me up at the beginning and at the end. She didn't even want to say bye or discuss just vanished and blocked when i contact to say I don't mind you leaving but at least let's talk, you just agreed to renew the rent for 2 years that's was couple of months ago and now you leaving me with tons of items and all other implications. She ignored.

So I decided to go meet her outside work to ask what's going on? What part of I don't mind you leaving you don't understand ? Can at least sort things out and go. She suggested to go for cafe then few hours later she texted she is not going she changed her mind.

Next thing I told her ill tell your parents everything or come to see you at work. I just said ill never do it.

Next thing is I'm reported at my work and to the police. At this stage I knew for sure this person isn't the same person I lived with for almost a decade.

She looked she is not in a natural stable state of mind, she looked she was hypnotised.

I did find about 2 months ago deleted conversation she had with her evil girl friend, the one who commented to her after she told her she cheated on me, she told her it's ok I also cheated on my boyfriend it happens !. When I asked what was the conversation about and why you deleted it, she said it was some spiritual things.

I'm no saint and I suffered a lot and I know this wasn't working but I'm in disbelief I mean no way on earth I'd report her or do anything, I never touched her or been aggressive. But thus person is someone new someone I don't know I swear it wasn't whom I used to know.

I don't know if I regret wasting all these years reconcile or not I was more looking for answers it is all gone now.

Sorry to see that the relationship failed. The upside, as hard as it may be to believe, is you have resolution. It's over. Regret isn't a productive emotion, so spending any time on wishing you had cut bait sooner won't heal you.
Gently, you sound like you may be struggling with codependency. You've given too much of your own self-validation to your XWW. You need to take that back for yourself.
As hard as this may be to actually implement, you need to cut all personal contact with her. All contact. Only communicate through a lawyer until the divorce is complete, and then she becomes a non-entity in your life. Work on accepting that this relationship is over and take the opportunity to work on yourself. Get into individual counseling as soon as possible. Reconnect with friends/family, old hobbies. Get to the gym. Journal. Get sleep. Drink water. Meditate.
Keep coming back here and posting on your progress.

1994 gave you good advice. Sorry yu are here again. But in the end, this may be a gift. (Doesn’t make it hurt less, though).

As poet Mary Oliver said

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift."

You have the gift of a new beginning, getting free of the limbo you have been in, and the chance to heal and get emotionally healthy.

Block her and try to not look in the rear view mirror. IC can really help - that outside perspective to help us see ourselves and the lies we tell ourselves out of fear.

And as for the why? That was all her and her flaws. She just isn’t really nice. Look how she is treating you — she is showing her true colors. And calling the police—- then it is time to truly block her and not let her cause you more harm.

Hang in there — you can get through this. It does suck and it does hurt fiercely. But not for forever.

Wishing you strength!

Thank you all so much for the support and kind words. I mean in from the bottom of my heart. I can't thank you enough, you have no idea how your words impacted on me positively.

I am just a bad judge of character I swear not in a million years did I see the cheat coming and then not in a billion years did I see this escalation coming. I never thought she will bring it to my work place, ironic yet sad, I'm the one who helped her get a job with my employer with better income and better working hours.

To me I am not finding excuses for her but I swear the one I saw the one who did this is a person I don't recognise she was like different person she was like hypnotised or something was off.

I was no saint I couldn't cope after the cheat, but I feel at least I deserve a goodbye , we both knew it's not working and it is mutual we breaking up as it was not fair for either one of us but to me to leave me this way, putting key through letterbox, deny and communication theb when I try to talk some sense to you and saw u once and then just said well if we don't meet to sort things out I'll come to your work office and and meet you there instead, I was just saying it I would have never done it,

Next thing they have security around the building etc I never went but my manager told me, they pictured me like one of those abusive junkie violent person.

I spoke with a lawyer and he suggested I write statements of facts send it to managers to explain that we had almost a decade of relationship prior to either of us join this company, and stated I will never contact her, and that upon reflection I shouldn't have met her outside work building etc, had I known I would have used legal channels to sort 10 years worth of matters, but I thought that would have made things worse, everyone have issues in their relationship but don't have lawyers on speed dial. Etc...

Hopefully this should go away. I'm not upset as much as I am shocked in disbelief how she did that.

This sentence is so true and made my day "getting free of the limbo you have been in, and the chance to heal and get emotionally healthy."

Thank you once again 1994 and all

Yeah, take it easy man.

Sounds like you got a good attorney.

I am so sorry you are back here, but the advice of others says what matters.

We do not control what our WS does, but we do control what we do.

I wish you grace on your path to finding the gift in all of this, and a better future. It will be better, because a relationship without trust is not one worth having or preserving.

You are the prize. Go find your own path to healing.

I am so sorry you were involved with someone who could treat you this way.

There is no reason to ghost people and just become distant. However emotionally immature or mean people resort to all types of behavior that just baffles you.

I saw my H become someone I never would have recognized during his affair. The outlandish things he said about me were like something from a movie where aliens take over your body.

People say and do things to justify their affairs/cheating.

Move in with the knowledge that the person you loved is gone. And the person left behind isn’t someone you want to know.

You deserve better.

Thanks everyone for your input. Just an update.

Work today emailed me stating there will be formal investigation and there will be displenaery hearing because I went to see her after she left building and followed her. I did that once I consulted a lawyer etc and sent statements of facts etc.

So I just emailed her to say it's urgent I'm losing my job, can we meet to resolve this, I also said of you wish I can get a lawyer to mediate between us.

Reconcile majority of the time I guess is a mistake, my life story below:

- she travelled and spent 3 days honeymoon by the beach having unprotected sex.

- I reconcile as I wanted to understand why and why me etc.

- I help her get a job and practice licence etc and with immigration

- 8 years down the line she ruined my life and now I have formal investigation

Meaning everything I worked for in my life could be lost just like that.

Aaaah I'm just lost for words it's like a dream or rather nightmare

I don't know if she will be decent and think oh shit I may have cost him his job let's sit down and talk this like adult and perhaps she retract her complaint.

No words of advice, just came here to say I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope the other side looks amazing for you, you deserve it!

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through and what you are going through now. It is absolutely awful.
She sounds like someone who has deep seated issues and certainly not remorseful for what she did to you.
Breaking up after so years together is so frigging hard. You are re-traumatized again by the way she ended the relationship. She is cold and cowardly. You at least deserve a proper end. But it looks like she has shown you who she really is. I hope you can find closure on your own and move on to a better life. It probably seems so daunting and terrifying. Take one hour at a time. That’s what i am trying to do as well. Wishing you all the happiness and peace you deserve. May you find it and look back to these days with a sigh of relief.

depression

you keep grabbing the wrong end of a hot fire poker

LET IT GO!

Better to cut and run now - and be glad you haven't spent 20 years with the person.

Update, her father agreed to talk to her to see if we can resolve this, she told him I was harassing her and messaging etc and followed her at work.

Well if someone ghost you, first I was worried about her safety second I want to sort 9 years worth of matters between us. I only went ONCE to see her outside work place.

Long story short her dad text me said it's out of his daughters hands and HR will have to complete the investigation. He also added he is sure his daughter doesn't want me to loose my job. She only wants to be left alone.

I replied to him thank you.

I never will never tell her parents about the cheat and agony she caused me.

Thinking to take few days off work, such a big mess.

Just wish this investigation is over in no time I'm tired or living this.

Thank you all for your kinds words it's what keeps me going. What a nightmare.

All in all nothing is painful like the day I found out about the cheat. If I survived that maybe I could survive this if I don't loose my job or licence hope not, it was just a one time where I followed her outside work.

Anyway I'm lost, to be honest I was not feeling as sad before I text her father now i feel sad , feel her father siding by her and forgot all I did for his daughter over 9 years time together. Somewhat I feel maybe I shouldn't have contacted him but I mean at least he spoke with her and made her aware of the gravity of the situation, so maybe during investigation she can testify that I'm not physically aggressive or abusive it was just bad breakup I duno.

[This message edited by depression at 7:36 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]