SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yep - he balked at the polygraph.

It didn't happen because he 'needed to talk to me about one of my questions' and to no one's surprise, revealed yet another buried lie. So he lost us $$$$, a day of work, and he managed to level me again.

If he REALLY wanted to reconcile, he would have done EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER to prepare for the test, namely, tell me all the things I need to know, and then passed. I now have none of the positive outcomes that I was hoping this test would provide, and only have more lies to process. I think I need to accept that he doesn't want to do the work, and by default, really doesn't want to reconcile.

WTF.

Help.

My wife gave a burst of trickle truth in response to my request for a poly, and like many BS’s, that pacified me at the time, but the TT and lies kept coming. It is both common and completely fucking unacceptable. It’s on us as the betrayed on whether we choose to accept the unacceptable. I have zero judgment for you, I have walked your path and it is so hard and I am so sorry for you. You have to chose what to do here. But his behavior is abhorrent and your expectations of him are reasonable. That is probably the best I have to offer you right now.

IMO the best use of the polygraph is not for the test results (they are not admissible in most courts for a reason). The best results are the results you received - the failure to take the thing and the admission of more lies. As you correctly noted, this behavior shows you with 100% certainty, who your WS is. Let's say your WS passed the poly - would you believe it 100%? Who knows...but what you have is better - you have absolute 100% confirmation that your WS is more fearful of telling you the truth and therefore more invested in protecting themselves than to give you what you need, and honestly what you deserve, at this stage.

Think about that long and hard. You have absolute undeniable proof that your WS will continue to lie and will continue to protect him/herself when push comes to shove, even in light of all the hurt and anguish they KNOW they caused YOU.

What else do you need to know?

(Yes I know easier said than done - I should have left my WH LONG before I did but I got caught up in my own desire to not let the AP win and a bunch of sunk-cost-fallacy thoughts, and did not want to start over again. Needless to say I regret those choices as I wasted a lot of time - the one thing you KNOW you can't get back).

I’m so sorry he disappointed you again. The only thing I can offer you is from my experience and the wisdom of my IC. My WH did everything wrong, despite wanting more than anything to stay married and grow old with me like we planned. But a lifetime of poor coping techniques and compartmentalized thinking and entitled mindset did not come crashing down like they needed to for me to heal. His journey may be as hard as mine, because he can’t see himself as the person who did these things, and any admission of truth made him the bad guy or brought him further shame, so he just kept lying. The biggest lie was that the lies were to spare me hurt. I think the truth was he was doing damage control, with only himself in mind. He says now he had no clue what he was doing in the aftermath, no plan, just reacting to the next crisis.

In his chaos, my WH did not hear me, did not make wise choices and continued to do damage with his emotional immaturity and inept efforts. He is such a different person on the inside than I thought. All my discovery was in the rear view mirror, figuring out the past and never understanding the present. You are living this real time, and asking for the poly was a good move, because you forced his hand. He is not ready to be honest. He may not be able to face his inner secret life and his truth or his shame yet, and you are going to continue to be collateral damage until he can, if he can.

If I had a do-over, or a clue, I would have separated until my WH was capable of honesty, but that would have required me knowing about further lies. Each one blindsided me, because I dared to hope we had reached the bottom so many times. Stay strong and take care of yourself and know that your WH is likely not destroying you on purpose, he may not even realize what his actions are doing to you, because he is not able to see you yet. My WH was erratic and chaotic in the two years it took to unravel most of his truth. I did it all the hard, long way. At least this setback gets you out in front of his chaos. Best to you.

He's still lying. There's still more that you don't know.

Stop trying to find a way to make it work. He is making it impossible.

180. Detach. File. If he pulls his head out of his ass, you can always reschedule the test,and try again. If not, you're closer to freeing yourself from a man who continues to show you he doesn't care about you.

I agree with Hellfire, I guess I’m just not as blunt as she can be (it’s part of her charm ).

My signature is "people are more important than the relationships they are in", and that simple idea has been the product of a lot of pain and hard internal work. Your marriage is imploding like a black hole because of your husband’s terrible choices, and that has so much potential to damage you as a person because of how much trust and vulnerability put into the relationship. If you don’t pull that back and protect yourself, you risk further damage to yourself. And you are more important than the marriage. That was true even when it was new and healthy, and it’s doubly true now that it’s broken and dying.

The mistake I feel I made was not separating immediately and letting my wife choose who she was going to be. I shielded her and tried to save her from herself, and it was a disaster. Your first marriage is dead, he killed it. Act accordingly. Maybe a new one can come, but you both have to want it and be willing to do the hard work to get there. He is showing zero signs of being anywhere close to that. You can’t control him.

You are more important than your marriage.

Gently, but what are you actually needing help with?

I ask this because his actions are leaving you little choice in what to do, at least at this point.

While this is not surprising I'm sorry it happened. Simply he is showing you who he is. Believe him.
Time to start protecting yourself.
Attorney. Out of the bedroom. 180. Give you some love and peace.

There have also been many parking lot confessions here, where the WS confesses in the parking lot at the poly place. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

Please take time of self-care. I know this was important to you and I'm sorry that he couldn't be the person you needed him to be.

I'm sorry he has done this. The poly actually gave you the answers you needed without even taking it. He is not ready for R and still keeping secrets.

He values his secrets more than your marriage.

You have nothing to work with here.

This is tough to hear. Yet, I agree with others that it tells you all you need to know. I hope you are doing well and have prepared for this.

He could have still taken the polygraph. All that was needed was to amend the questions to reflect that there was nothing else after the parking lot confession.

He fears that test.

Must be afraid of something or afraid something will come out or he knows he’s going to fail.

Handwriting on the wall.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He agreed to take the test, then he chickened out. I`d tell him that he has one last chance to take it, or it`s time to separate. I am so sorry. Stay strong please.

Ugh. So sorry you have to deal with more lies and betrayal. He is showing you who he is and how he feels about you and the marriage. Why are you willing to put up with it?

There must be a boatload of secrets for him to stonewall you. Maybe years of behaviors that he knows will ruin everything.

You have enough information now. What you do with it is your call. He has basically told you his secret life is more important than you.

I hate this for you. Please take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat healthy. Walk outside with sun on your face. Find time to be with friends. You deserve a better life than this.

In my opinion, most of "doing the work" means learning to be an honest and vulnerable human with integrity. I don’t think it can happen overnight and am always suspicious of claims that a cheater immediately did "all the right things". I know had my husband been emotionally healthy enough to change overnight then he’d likely have never cheated. The work takes time. The question is how long and at what progress rate is acceptable before the BS should throw in the towel or find satisfaction in the process? That answer will vary wildly amongst the betrayed and in my opinion, has no real "right" answer or timeline.

The work takes time. The question is how long and at what progress rate is acceptable before the BS should throw in the towel or find satisfaction in the process? That answer will vary wildly amongst the betrayed and in my opinion, has no real "right" answer or timeline.

Very difficult to dispute this logic.

As much as we may seem similar in regards to our infidelity stories, we are also very unique. What may seem like an eternity to one person may feel like a small blip of time to another. Only you know your level of tolerance, and only you get to decide what is....and isn't....enough.

It's important to note, there's a huge difference between a ws going to their bs,and admitting they've been lying,and decided to tell the truth...and a ws who is faced with a polygraph, and knows they're about to be caught so they admit some truth.

Had he not been about to be caught,and he came forward..that's progress.

Admitting because you know you're about to be found out is not progress. It's damage control.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:42 AM, Sunday, March 10th]