SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's six months from Dday and I've never shared this story in detail, not with a family member or a friend, not even my psychiatrist got this much detail. We were married for 25 years when the affair took place. The affair lasted 5 months. We've now been married for almost 37 years.

FYI - this is very long. No advice sought, just getting it off my chest.

It was the summer of 2012 and I was away from home driving a tractor-trailer over the road OTR (cross-country) while she was at home and working summer school. I hated being away from her and my family but needed this job to provide for my family. I would call her several times a day just to hear her voice and tell her how much I missed her.

In July 2012 she had started the extended school year (ESY) and was assigned a new teacher. The teacher was a younger (29) male and she said he was good-looking. She of course never told me this but during discovery, she said this. She said she was impressed by the new teacher's passion for the special needs kids in her class. This was something that she was passionate about as well.

She said that as they worked together he would pass compliments to her about her looking nice or doing something new to her hair. She admitted that she welcomed the compliments and enjoyed them. This puzzled me because I constantly gave her compliments on her looks, especially her hair. They ended up working closely during the ESY and then school was finished until September.

I finished my OTR assignment and was stationed close to home on a dedicated route. This meant I would go out daily and be home at night. While I was home, our relationship seemed normal to me. We had our petty disagreements but we also had our moments of love and even frequent sex. I had no idea she had formed this relationship with the new teacher (Shitbag). She never offered any information about her work even when I would inquire about her class assignment.

September came and she returned to school and within a week my youngest sister died. I quit the trucking job and took some time off to clear my head and grieve the loss of my sister. Then in early October, I took a job out of state as a crane operator. I didn't want to go or take the job but financially it was the right thing to do, so I thought. I packed up my car and told my family goodbye and let my wife know how much I hated leaving her. Then off to Texas, I went.

So while I was away working, she was developing a closer relationship with Shitbag. She said they were friends and she felt like she could talk to him and confide in him about her personal life. They eventually would meet at the park and talk while she pushed my granddaughter around in the stroller. As time passed and October turned to November her relationship with Shitbag became sexual. They were in the classroom one day and he said to her "We should kiss" and so she did. Just like that, with no thought of her marriage vows, no thought of her husband, and no fear of getting caught in school.

The kiss led to the two of them making plans to meet in the mall parking lot after work one day. She said they met and then they had sex in the car while parked in a public lot. She said shortly after this, they then met again in the hospital parking lot which was adjacent to her school. The events after this have not been clear, even though I've asked numerous times. All I know is that she said they would have sex (she says oral but we know that's a lie) in the classroom after school. She said they would lock the classroom door and then spend 15 minutes having sex. She said she would then leave and go home only arriving shortly after her normal arrival time. This helped eliminate any questions from our two daughters who were still at home.

This scenario continued until I came home in late November for the Thanksgiving holiday. She swears that she never saw him sexually while I was back in town. While I was home, we had our normal relationship including the daily "I love you’s" and the sex. The sex was remembered because I had been away and was so excited to be with her again. After the holiday, I left and returned to Texas. She continued to see Shitbag and have sex after school. This continued until late December when I came home for the Christmas holidays.

Once I arrived back home for the Christmas holidays she again swears that she never had sexual contact with him while I was in town. I was oblivious to any danger to our relationship and had no thought of her being unfaithful to me. While home, we again had (what I thought to be) our normal relationship. With plenty of affection and telling me how she missed me while I was gone. We also had our disagreements and moments of discontent with each other. Which to me was normal for us. I made love to her frequently while I was home and ensured she was pleased as well. We took pictures together smiling happily. We went out together and even attended a New Year's Eve party at one of her co-workers' apartments. I took several pictures of her smiling and looking like she was having a good time. At no point did I suspect that she was screwing another man while I was away.

After the holidays, I returned to Texas to continue the job. While away I called her daily and told her how much I loved her and how deeply I missed her. She always responded in kind to my comments. She never said she wasn't happy or she had found herself attracted to another man. Just the opposite… she would tell me she missed me and would ask when the job was going to be through. I continued to work in Texas until early spring (April). Not coming home once after the Christmas holidays. Once the job was through and I returned home in the beginning of April she again swears that she had no sexual contact with Shitbag while I was home.

I hated being away from my family so I decided to find local crane work. I took a job with a construction company in the local area. This new job allowed me to be home every night and on weekends. While I was home, we had our arguments about normal stuff but mostly about my drinking. I was going on and off my mental health medication and also self-medicating with alcohol. My mental health medications were being changed and adjusted as the doctor was trying to find the right medicine for my issues. The drinking and the lack of a continuous medication (Daily) regime contributed greatly to my poor mental health. This resulted in more frequent arguments between her and I. I was angry at myself and didn't like who I was but couldn't find the right way to emotionally deal with it. I was argumentative and mean to my wife at times. At other times I was the normal loving and caring husband that she deserved.

This became our normal cycle after a while. I wish it hadn't been that way but it's the truth. Meanwhile, she continued her job at school and still maintained a working relationship with Shitbag and they didn't have any sexual contact. It's still not clear whether or not the Emotional Affair was still active at this point. During the 2013 ESY, Shitbag would periodically ask her to "Take a ride" after school. The purpose of the "ride" was so he could have sex with my wife. He couldn't use the classroom because ESY was in a different school. She says she always said, "No, my husband's home". Again, she swears that she never had any sexual contact with him while I was home. She should have given a better reason for her denial… like, No, I’m married and can't do that anymore or No, leave me alone I’m married. But no, she led him to believe it was strictly a no because I was in town. So if I was out of town what would the answer have been?

My local job was finished at the beginning of fall (October) and financially I needed to work. I had been home in April, May, June, July, August, September and most of October at this point (Seven Months). Then I took another crane job out of state. This time the job was in Louisiana and was set to be four months. I hated to leave my family, to leave her, and be away from the people that I loved. Nonetheless, the time came for me to leave again and I left. This time I was gone November,

December, January, and February. I came home for a few days for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Again, while home, we had our normal relationship with the hugs and kisses and smiles of "I love you". Holding hands while going out to dinner and giving her compliments as usual. Not at any point did she display that she had been or was interested in another man. According to her recollection, the affair fizzled out sometime during the first period I was home for seven months.

Again, while I was away, we had daily phone calls and text messages. I even found some "I love you" notes she packed away in my suitcase. I just remember hating each day I was away. Away from her, away from my kids and granddaughter. At times it was almost unbearable but I knew I had to stick it out for my family. While I was away we didn't argue much. For the most part, I was content in my marriage during this period.

At the end of February when the job was over I went home for a week and then took a crane job not far from home but far enough to require me to be away in a hotel again. Given the fact that the new job location wasn't too far, I asked her to come stay in the hotel with me for a day and night. She came and we had a great time. We talked and held each other and had passionate sex. When the time came for her to leave and go back home I was crushed. She again left me little love notes (That I still have today) and told me how much she loved me. I still remember this like it was yesterday. Again, she says during this period and the second period I was gone, the affair was over.

In March of 2014, I took another local crane job and was once again at home. She continued her job in the school and still saw Shitbag daily in class while I was away. But she says the affair had ended before I left town back in October of 2013. She seems to be unclear about this but when asked if she had sex with him anymore after my seven-month stay at home in 2013 she said "No". I continued to work locally for the next seven months of 2014. She says Shitbag left the school in July of 2014 and she hasn't seen or talked to him since.

This guy was married and he even admitted to her when his wife became pregnant around November of 2013. She knowingly had sex with a married man with no regard for her vows to her husband or the damage she could be causing to his marriage and innocent wife. They both displayed a blatant disregard for anyone other than themselves and their desire for self-gratification. The most hurtful part of this is how she "acted" like we had a good marriage and she loved me. The whole time she did this, she was having sex with that shitbag, that hurts. How could she mislead me so blatantly and have such a disregard for my feelings? How could she risk our marriage, our family, and even her job over this guy? How was she able to look me in the eye and tell me she loved me or missed me? How was she able to perform so well sexually with me after having recently been with him? What type of person can do this? Why did she choose a guy 16 years younger than herself?

When I discovered this at the end of August 2023 I was devastated. She had lied to me all those years that had passed. Even during discovery, she continued to lie. First, she said it was just a kiss and then she shut it down, LIE. She said they had intercourse ONE TIME and that was it, LIE. Then she said they only had finger play and handjobs in the classroom, LIE. Later she says it was all only oral sex in the classroom (I don't believe this either). Later she admits to having car parking lot sex one more time with him and she had forgotten about it. A physical affair is pretty significant and you don't forget having sex in a car while cheating on your husband. She denies ever having feelings for him but I know her well enough to know that she had some type of emotional connection to this shitbag. Someone just doesn't have sex with another person multiple times for five months without having some feelings.

Her deceitfulness of leading me to believe that she loved me and missed me while she was screwing him hurts so deeply. But her years of lies and continued lies after discovery are severely damaging to me as well. I have been ripped to shreds and am living in a hellish nightmare it seems. But it's not a nightmare, it's real, it happened and is still happening (the lies). Nothing in my life has ever hurt as bad as this. I’ve lost both of my parents, my little sister, and a brother and none of that pain or grief is even close to what I feel over this affair. Nobody has ever hurt me like this before. The one person that I trusted and loved the most is the one who has hurt me the most. The pain was all new to me and the emotional rollercoaster has been hard to navigate.

Honestly, in the beginning of discovery, I wanted to die. I wanted the hurt and the physical pain to just stop. My mind was a complete disaster and my mental health was suffering to say the least. One day after I learned of the car sex, I went upstairs and took every sleeping pill that I had in my medicines. I then laid on the bed and waited to fall asleep and hopefully never wake up. Obviously, it didn't work because here I am writing this. I had some violent shaking and disorientation but no never-ending sleep. I knew my mental health was in a dangerous state and after deep thought I realized I didn't want to leave her or my family. So I began to seek mental health support by calling the Veterans Crisis line.

A two-hour conversation on the crisis line and a future appointment for therapy seemed to help give me some hope. I contacted a psychiatrist and made a prompt appointment. I began to read articles on how to navigate a betrayal such as this. I felt this was detrimental to my living or not. I sought mental health care and it pulled me from my suicidal ideation. However, I was still an emotional basket case 24 hours a day.

I began praying and reading the bible for support and comfort. I gave a lot of thought to whether I wanted to stay married to someone like this or not. My mind was filled with all the hurtful things she did to me in order to have her affair. I began to think of all the hurtful and damaging things I had done to her or said to her. Memories of the affair period filled my head. Images and videos of her telling me how much she loved me or missed me would play out in my mind. These images would then be followed by images of her and the shitbag having sex or even kissing. The pain was so great I wanted to die again but I kept my faith in prayer and continued mental health support.

I concluded that she was a different person today than she was during the affair. Our relationship was different as well. We were in love with each other and we both knew it. I struggled at first with the idea of forgiveness but once I realized that I loved her unconditionally, I chose to forgive her. I chose to release her from the consequences of her hurtful actions to me. But forgiving her didn't wipe the images and thoughts from my mind. I now felt like I should focus on whether or not I should leave the relationship.

I thought of all the good times and memories we had together and I thought of all the pain I put her through. I wasn't justifying her actions but merely trying to recall the positives of our relationship. I knew I loved her endlessly and that I would be in pain without her. I knew then that I wanted the relationship to work. I still struggled with the images and thoughts each time I considered staying with her. After some deep thought and some time, I decided to work through this travesty and maintain our marriage. After disclosing this to her, I would still struggle as to whether or not I had made the right decision.

I began to seek comfort from her. I would simply want her touch to make me feel better. She would smile at me and take me from a severely depressed state to contentment. I sought refuge in the one person who had hurt me more than anyone or anything else in my life. I had conflicting thoughts on this. How could I ever trust this person again? How do I know their love for me is real and not just words? Will I ever be able to look at her the same way that I used to? If not, how can I have a relationship with all these uncertainties? The questions just kept coming to mind, one after another. This became a new battle for me to deal with. I just kept sharing my thoughts and innermost feelings with her and kept praying that I was doing the right thing.

I decided to stand firm on my decision to stay in the relationship. I needed advice or answers on how to repair the damage and how to reconnect with my wayward wife. I read numerous articles and even took an online course for affair recovery. The information I gained was helping me understand and navigate this difficult situation. I read books on how to heal or how to realize how the affair possibly could have started. I began to focus on reconciliation. The information available was overwhelming. But I committed the time and effort into my endeavor. As time slowly passed, I could see the healing taking place little by little. There would be days that were unbearable to get through but I kept on reading and acting upon my newfound information. I began to be hopeful that we would have our relationship back to where it was or better.

During this period, I had an immense feeling of love for her. It felt like I was in love with her again for the first time. All I thought about was her, all I wanted was to be next to her, to hold her hand or simply gaze into her eyes. I remember thinking, "Wow, this is what real love feels like". I was wanting the same from her but didn't feel like my love was being reciprocated. This left me confused and wondering. How could she not love me after what I just did? I just gave her the gift of forgiveness and chose to stay with her when almost everything was saying to leave the relationship. Does she not love me as much as I love her? I was stuck on this thought.

I began to write her letters, almost daily. Letters describing my deep love for her. Letters describing how I forgave her for what she did to us. I even wrote her a story of the first time we met up to the point of our first kiss. I was desperate to show her how serious my love was for her. I probably looked like a fool or a schoolboy by all my efforts to woo her.

I did an exercise with her to find each other's love language. I learned that everything I did to show my love for her was nice but it wasn't speaking in her specific love language. She views love as me doing acts of service for her. Washing the dishes, cooking dinner, vacuuming the floors, or unloading the dishwasher were acts that showed her I loved her. I took chores off her plate and she interpreted that as me showing her my love for her. On the flip side, my love language was mostly physical touch or affection. This new revelation was vital to me expressing my love for her.

As time passed, we became closer through our signs of love and intimate conversations again. I felt empowered learning this new information. I kept telling myself that I was ready to reengage in bedroom intimacy again. So we tried and I had several setbacks. The mind videos and intrusive thoughts made it almost impossible to touch her in any way sexually without thinking of her and him together. Once again the questions began to swirl in my mind. Did she do this with him? Did she make these noises with him? Is she being authentic right now or is she pretending for my sake? Does she even think I’m attractive? The questions were almost endless. I had hit another roadblock.

Sex was vital, in my mind, to a healthy relationship. It allowed me to "connect" with her on a closer level and at times was almost a spiritual connection. I knew how much I desired her and how emphatically I enjoyed her touch. But the mind images kept preventing me from being able to perform. I would try and then want to cry right in the middle of it. I would then have to apologize to her for my failure. I felt like less of a man. My self-esteem was already at the zero level but now I was feeling less than zero. I felt, and still do, that she is not physically attracted to me. I see no desire from her to want to be with me physically. I take into consideration her current physical status of menopause and the decreased libido that accompanies it. But this hurdle is one of the most difficult ones to solve. How can I ever make love to my wife again while I have the images of that shitbag screwing my wife?

So that's my story of my wife's affair and how I am dealing with it. Did I deserve this hurt, the lies, and the betrayal? No one deserves this type of hurt from the one person they felt safe with, from the person they trusted with their thoughts and feelings, or from the one person in the world that you would never think of doing this to. Nothing in our or her past justifies what she did. She made the conscious decision to throw our marriage away and risk our family. This was all on her and I told her that.

I see guilt and shame on her face when we discuss this topic. It pains me to see her hurting, even though she created the hurt. I hurt for her even on top of my existing pain from her actions. I want all the hurt to go away. To go away from her, to go away from us, and to allow us to move forward. I’ve read that I need to grieve my old relationship and focus on a new one. It’s extremely difficult to let go of all the years that she and I have had together, good and bad. Our relationship is supposed to start all over again and build trust and foster love and our connection to each other. I am trying my best to follow the steps of reconciliation. She’s trying too. I can see her efforts. However, at times I feel like she gets discouraged and then slacks off. I think she wants us to just move past the whole affair already. I get that too. I wish the whole thing was behind us and the thoughts and memories didn't exist today.

So where are we today in our relationship? I think we both still want the best outcome and are trying to achieve this. I see where we both have grown in this new relationship and I see areas we’ve reconnected on as well. We are both seeking marriage counseling and support from therapy. We need to find the "Why" of the affair. I need to know the "How" of the affair. We are both looking for answers during our marriage counseling sessions.

Where do I see us in the future? I have faith that we’ll work through this and come out better than before. I truly believe this is possible. I can see her attempts to rebuild trust again. It’ll take some time and serious work on her part but this too is possible.

How has this changed me? It destroyed my faith in her. It has caused me to withdraw from friends and family. I’d just rather be alone most of the time. It has shamed me and emasculated me. I feel less of a man and inadequate to her. I’ve lost some of my self-respect and most of my self-esteem. It’s made me open my eyes to the world of what is really out there in terms of selfishness. I knew people could be careless and hurtful but never once imagined my wife could do something so heinous. It completely changed the image I had of her. I now know what she's capable of. I had such a virtuous image of her that is forever tarnished. This event has taught me to renew my faith in God. I now know just how far hurt can go.

How do I feel after writing this? It feels like I got a lot of thoughts out of my mind. I actually feel better, like I’ve told someone my story and they can understand my feelings.

Did you post this same story on Reddit recently? I swear I've read this before fairly recently.

You said "we" need to figure out why she cheated. No. She needs to figure it out. She didn't cheat because of you,or the marriage. Something in her is broken.

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to join us. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and contains the list of acronyms we use.

Are you able to see a betrayal trauma specialist for IC (individual counseling)? Or somebody who specializes in PTSD? Betrayal trauma can lead to PTSD or C-PTSD. Infidelity is the worst pain ever.

MC (marriage counseling) is generally to help your marital relationship. Unless you get pretty lucky, the MC will partially blame you for the A. And none of the A was your fault. Your WW (wayward wife) could have made all kinds of different decisions but she decided to cheat.

One book that we recommend for newbies is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It provides action steps your WW can take to help you to heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glasss. I like the chapter on windows and walls because it is a good discussion on transparency (windows) between the two of you, and setting up boundaries (walls) between you two and people outside of the M.

Why did she cheat? Because she wanted to. Why did she want to? Well, there's all kinds of reasons.

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread where BSs (betrayed spouses) can ask WSs (wayward spouses) questions. If you aren't hurting too much, you may want to read through the thread because what you're thinking may have already been asked.

Yes, I recently posted my story on Reddit.

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

She's open with all accounts and passwords. She constantly updates me on her activities throughout the day. She's read "How to help your spouse heal after your affair" and "Not just friends". She apologizes often and tells me why. She's continually reassuring me and giving me affirmation. She often asks how I'm doing and shows genuine concern. She is miserable with guilt and shame and feels absolutely horrible for what she did and I see it (which I don't want her to be hurting as well but that's the case).

Thank you for the tips and I will check out the forum ICR I can relate.

It has shamed me and emasculated me. I feel less of a man and inadequate to her. I’ve lost some of my self-respect and most of my self-esteem. It’s made me open my eyes to the world of what is really out there in terms of selfishness. I knew people could be careless and hurtful but never once imagined my wife could do something so heinous. It completely changed the image I had of her. I now know what she's capable of. I had such a virtuous image of her that is forever tarnished.

Thank you for taking time to share your hurtful story. I am sorry you have had to "join the club".

Let me say to you should NOT feel any shame. If anyone should be ashamed of themselves, it is your wife. You believed in her, you thought she was virtuous and she proved otherwise. You are not to be blamed for he choices. She had many other options and she made the worst one she could, ripping off your heart.

I am only making the following reflection based solely on my personal experience. My husband travelled a lot for work and I really found it very very hard to remain at home alone with the children and the dog and no extended family we could rely on. I was working full time and everything was on my shoulders. I felt like a zombie. It was honestly TOO MUCH for me. I also had health problems and was being mobbed at work, so I felt really fragile and hated every day for being alone to deal with everything. I had to be the column of the family when I could hardly stand myself.

MY husband and I never discussed if it was acceptable that he would work far from home, we just saw that as the only possibility when, in reality, many of his colleagues have never travelled even 20% of how much he did. He tried to find a local job but they were all offering a lot less and he had this idea that he was worth a lot and had to be paid a lot, no matter what sacrifices we all had to go through. No other company could compete with the incredible allowances he was getting, the pension scheme he was put on etc, so we had to go on like that... We had moved to a different country for a job assignment that was stable for 9 years and they were really fantastic years, but after that he was travelling again and again and we never questioned that. I accepted it as the only option. How wrong I was. How much has he missed of our children? Has he ever managed to talk to their teachers and see their work? Has he ever been to a school assembly? Once your children grow up those events you missed will never come back and I wonder if it makes sense to miss so much of your own children.

This quote is incredibly powerful "Our contradictions. We are in such a hurry to grow up, and then we long for our lost childhood. We make ourselves ill earning money, and then spend all our money on getting well again. We think so much about the future that we neglect the present, and thus experience neither the present nor the future. We live as if we were never going to die, and die as if we had never lived.”

― Paulo Coelho

I am not questioning the need to make money for the family BUT and I know the past is the past and cannot be changed, have you ever asked yourself if your wife needed you near her and did not ever express that? So she might have found in the Shitbag a presence, someone there for her.

Honestly you sound like a FANTASTIC HUSBAND, very AFFECTIONATE AND ATTENTIVE, so my words are in no circumstances spoken to criticise you, I am just trying to look at things from a woman's perspective who finds herself to be a full time working mum and maybe she didn't want to be alone with the children AND work full time, because it is so much responsibility and you feel you are always on the go. She took time for herself and the way she did is WRONG, but maybe she needed a switch off from chores and have time to herself.

If you could go back in time would you still bag your things and get a job far away? I know money is important but so are family and your married life. Can you imagine if your wife had done that at the same time? Who would have looked after the children? How would you have felt if she had been the one who had gone away from the family to work?

AGAIN she has no excuses for doing what she did, but do you understand where I am coming from? Could it be that she felt she was given for granted?

I was the betrayed spouse, so it was my husband who worked away and who cheated, but I read of many women who felt "abandoned" as their husband went away to work and all they could think about was getting money for the family and the bills but only had to look after themselves once work was finished. Instead the parent who is alone with the children seems to be on duty 24/7 for everybody but themselves.

I am just giving you food for thoughts and remember that IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT, SHE CHOSE TO BETRAY YOU, IT IS ABOUT HER, NOT ABOUT YOU.

I am sending you a big hug from the same hurtful boat.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 10:53 PM, Tuesday, March 12th]

"I am not questioning the need to make money for the family BUT and I know the past is the past and cannot be changed, have you ever asked yourself if your wife needed you near her and did not ever express that? So she might have found in the Shitbag a presence, someone there for her."

I now know that she did need me near. If I could go back in time, I would not have worked away. But I also would've been a better husband. She said she "needed" a friend. Yes, we lived away from any family then, and I never thought about her needing a friend. So the friendship of course turned into an EA and subsequently a PA. I know she's 100% responsible for choosing to cheat but I also feel as though I contributed to the right ingredients for the A.

Thanks for your thoughts and questions.

No, you did not contribute to the A. That’s just the unmet needs BS in a different form. Marriage is hard, and there are numerous struggles. She needed a friend? Why did it have to be a man? It didn’t.

Nothing you did "allowed the affair to happen". Affairs are all on the cheater. All. Of. It. She was lonely or whatever? Too bad. It’s the sacrifice we make while being married. We all get lonely in marriage. The EA didn’t just happen, it was a choice. At anytime she could have stopped it. I get how insidious the start of an EA can be, but at a point it becomes very obvious what is happening. She chose an A.

Don’t allow that mentality to sink in, because then you are taking some responsibility for her A, and you can’t. Only person who can control not cheating is that person. No one else.

But I also would've been a better husband. She said she "needed" a friend. Yes, we lived away from any family then, and I never thought about her needing a friend.

As I said you are NOT RESPONSIBLE OF THE AFFAIR. She solely is. She failed to be a good communicator, she failed to be a good spouse. If she didn't agree with some decisions you made, she could have and should have spoken. The solution she found was wrong and selfish. Don't beat yourself up for that. I wrote what I wrote not to justify her choices, but just to understand the background, what she MIGHT have felt which she did not address in an adult way.

If now your communication is better, nourish that and enjoy the way your relationship is NOW, try not to dwell in the past, but I do understand completely your sadness about how things went. Nothing would have stopped her, once they feel entitled, that's how it goes. And it is so very sad.

A couple of pointers:

Neither of you can ever be thinking that your relationship, communications, intimacy… whatever… is in a better place because she had an affair.
This is really big… We have had wayward spouses on this site that have said that thanks to their infidelity they have managed to move their marriage to a better place…
Fact is that whatever work you put in after discovering her affair could have been done without the infidelity. People do it all the time. Couples realize they are at some impasse and decide to work on their relationships. In your instance, the impasse was her affair. It could just as well have been spending a weekend together and realizing you had noting to talk about.

To use a comparison: If your unhealthy lifestyle leads to a cardiac arrest and once off life-support and back home you change your life then – 2-3 years later – you wont be reflecting on your luck at having experienced a cardiac arrest. What you might be doing is reflecting on your improved health and lifestyle and feeling grateful for having done the changes.

I would suggest you address your issues with your wife.
Make it clear that you want to be there, but that her infidelity has left you scarred, and that it’s not enough that you try to heal those scars. Ask her to attend MC with you to address the infidelity and how best for you two to progress.

I'm sorry that you have found your way here. I suggest you being totally honest with yourself. Are you telling your wife's story or is it your own? What I saw in your story is, either your wife is a master at compartmentalizing or she's just plain and simple using you or something inbetween. I mean, if you truly believe what she said, and I don't recommend believing her, she lived an interesting double life, when you were away she had her other guy but when you were around she somehow remembered that she 'belonged' to you, I have trouble believing this, it may sound kinda 'nice' but it's not. If you want something reconciliation related then I believe you have to stand on solid grounds, but your story just opens up with more questions. Your wife is at best a heavy compartmentalizer, someone who can't even trust themselves. Another thing that I saw, you do the most of the 'heavy lifting'and that's a mistake. I fear you are far off from where you want to be.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Hope you get better soon. I decided to post to say one important thing.

IF YOUR SPOUSE IS BAD ABUSUVE NEGLIGENCE OR WORK FAR I DON'T CARE WHAT EXCUSES YOU GOT, NOTHING I MEAN NOTHING JUSTIFY CHEATING. IF THERE ARE ISSUES, FINE END IT AND GO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST DONT CHEAT.

that's my opinion.

You may have made some bad choices in your marriage, but the cheating is 100% on her. As been said, if she needed a friend to lean on she could have chosen a female friend. Also there obviously was a sexual/lust component to her affair and you don't need that when you're simply looking for a connection or a shoulder to lean on. You seem to be rationalizing her behavior. Although not to the extent you're dealing with, I did the same until I wised up.

But I committed the time and effort into my endeavor.

It really sounds like you’ve been the one driving the R bus. It’s extremely rare marriages with adultery survive let alone thrive long term when the BS drives reconciliation. Also, have you considered therapy to explore whether you have any codependency issues?

Yeah truth be told, no matter what she did you were never walking away.

Doesn't really augur well but there you go.

So the friendship of course turned into an EA and subsequently a PA. I know she's 100% responsible for choosing to cheat but I also feel as though I contributed to the right ingredients for the A.

This whole sentence concerns me…

First of all – there is NO "of course" – as if it was inevitable or unavoidable – that this friendship went that way.
Every now and then we get this big argument on SI if people can have opposite-sex friends. Well… I have a couple of female friends, some that I have known for over 10 years, plus several female coworkers that I work very closely with, travel with and spend weeks on-site with customers with and so on and none of those relationships have "of course" turned into an EA and subsequently a PA. NONE…. NADA….. ZILCH!

Maybe because none have offered to make that move, maybe because I have never given any opening for anyone to make that move, maybe because the gift of Free Will has enabled both me and all these women the ability to choose not to have any interest whatsoever in changing a friendship into anything other than a friendship.

But I’m the norm rather than the exception. The exception is the person that thinks that if you have a friend then inevitably it leads to an EA and then a PA… "of course…"

So you contributed the right ingredients to the inevitable decision to cheat…

Do you know what ingredients would make her cheat?
You can contribute a lot to making a marriage bad. But all that does is allow her to demand change. Demand you be more home, demand you two work on your finances so you don’t need to be away, demand you two take time together, demand you move closer to family. Heck… demand divorce if its that bad.
But she DECIDED to take the friendship a bit too far, and then the EA even further. These were not accidents but conscious decisions.
Like let’s imagine the OM initiated the first kiss… Let’s imagine she at first responded positively. Let’s even imagine that this was all it was… a kiss. At THAT point she could have decided to let OM know this wasn’t acceptable. She could have called you and told you the marriage was over. She could have done A LOT of stuff other than allow the NEXT kiss and whatever transpired after that.

If you are the cause for the conditions that inevitably lead to her deciding to have an affair… What happens in the future if – say – you forget to put the bins to the curb for the third week in a row? Would YOUR actions justify she sleeps with the tennis-coach?

Look – I believe based on what you share that you have a lot of what is needed to successfully reconcile. But it always needs to be based on truth:

SHE cheated. SHE decided to cheat. It wasn’t inevitable and definitely not due to ANYTHING you did or did not do.
Your actions impacted the marriage, yes. But her decision to cheat is like if she decided to treat your bad breath with a shotgun-shell through your mouth.

It’s a key factor for reconciliation when the WS fully acknowledges their accountability, and recognizes how their decision to cheat is purely 100% on them, and whatever "excuses" they might have are only that – excuses.

Are you telling your wife's story or is it your own?

No, the story is my own through my eyes and my mindset. I've tried to be as neutral as possible when writing it. As I said in my story, our relationship wasn't all roses either. We had our differences and for a good period there, I was an absolute asshole. I know this doesn't justify the cheating but it is an ingredient to setting the stage for it. She has said that she was considering leaving (before the affair started) but was too scared to come to tell me.

After the affair, I became stabilized on mental health medications and our marriage did a 180. We began to enjoy each other's company again and we both were better people. As the ten years passed, we basically fell back in love again. This is one of the reasons I chose reconciliation.

Our friendship and marriage had become solid again and we both were enjoying it. On Dday I was shocked and so hurt that I couldn't focus on what we had made again. But after careful reflection and some time, I realized that I didn't want to throw this new relationship away based on something she did when our marriage wasn't stable. Again, not making excuses for her decision to violate my deepest trust but trying to take the good with the bad. Now the new relationship has been tainted through discovery and the ten years of secrecy about the affair. I get why she didn't want to tell me, I probably would've struggled with the decision too. When everything is fine and good in a marriage, who wants to risk throwing that away by disclosing something that you think "No one knows"?

As I look back in my early years of marriage, I had EA's at least two or three times. I recall her (WW) discovering them and me thinking nothing was wrong because I was only communicating with the other women. Back then, in my mind, I was doing absolutely nothing wrong because I wasn't doing anything physically. Today, however, I see the full picture of it and now know that it was unacceptable behavior and I was wrong. The difference is, that I never hid what I was doing. I did everything on a shared computer and thought nothing of it. She discovered my activity by looking at my email and history. When confronted I never denied anything. Again, I stupidly thought I was fine doing what I was doing. I apparently didn't place myself in her shoes. I was an ass in my mind.

Bottonline, I put my wife through a living hell for multiple years and she never left me. She could have left and I told her I prefer that she left instead of having the affair. But if she survived through everything I subjected her to then I believe we can continue that great marriage we had over the past ten years.

Again this is my story through my eyes and memory, not hers.

Hope this helps.

Lots of good advice being shared, I just want to post and tell you that I hear your story and understand the pain and confusion. I’m sorry that this has been your experience - no human deserves to be treated this way by their most intimate partner.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you and your wife were able to work things out and find happiness in your marriage again. I admire your willingness and ability to forgive your wife. I am sure that was a huge factor in the outcome. Wishing you continued joy in your marriage.

SL609, isn’t it weird how what you have right now, this instant, in the present, can suddenly be tainted by knowledge of what happened 10 years ago? When you state it plainly, it seems almost nonsensical. But when you feel it….you know. It matters deeply. We invest so much effort in building some kind of narrative that ultimately describes Who You Are, and all of the sudden the narrative is wrong. Who are you now?

Truth is, you are the exact same person before you found out, as after. The exact same person. Just your belief changed. You were a person who had some struggles and loved his family. You’re a learner. Self-aware. Improving. Caring. You still are. But now you know some uncomfortable truths, whereas before you believed in some comfortable lies. It’s like The Matrix, learning so much you believed in was an illusion.

No advice…you’ve been heard, friend. Stay strong, and keep using those veterans support!