SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

This is the first time I’m posting as I can no longer do this alone. Without talking to people I’m unsure if I’m on the track to recovery or this is something I will never get over.

6 months ago I was messaged out the blue by the parter of who my husband had the affair with. I knew her and she had been a friend of mine. Screen shot of screen shot of messages they had sent one another. I had no idea this was all going on behind my back. It was not an emotional affair but a physical one.

Since this day it has always been with me, sometimes manageable other times it’s all to overwhelming. My husband has been so honest with me and told me everything. After six months I thought I would be further along in the healing process then i am and I’m scared that this is now who I am. certain messages go round and round my head, where they met, what they did. It’s like a movie that just won’t stop and the pain of the done and the messages are just to much still and it still continues to consume.

Please help is this normal, can a marriage survive infertility, will I ever not have this pain. My husband and I have probably been the best we’ve ever been and we’re really working on us as a couple to strive for our new norm.

Thank you for reading

Hi. I won’t be much help in the future but I just wanted to let you know that I am also 6 months out and the pain , images, anger still cycles for me. I have more bad days than good day but I’m finally at the place I have good hours.

We are both in counseling individually and together. I’m hopeful this will help us both heal. In my opinion counseling is a must , at least for us. He had to know why he did it and I have very bad ptsd now.

From what people have told me on here at 6 months we are still feeling the pain in the rawest form. I really hope this isn’t our new normal because I can’t.

I cry all the time, I have triggers all the time , I hate looking at him most days , and I have to limit time that we spend together, he is very thankful for the time he gets at all. I can spend about an hour with him then I have to go do something for myself because he is my biggest trigger and the mind movies are still in full swing. But with that being said I feel like it’s progress from when I couldn’t pick myself up and he had to get me out of the shower and carry me to bed.

My H is also doing everything he can and I think one day I will see it more than I do now.

You’re not alone and I hope that you see progress you’ve made too, according to all the great people here , we are still very very early in this crap game.

More people will be by to give more advice. Hang in there and know you have support

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 10:07 PM, Friday, March 29th]

Thank you for your honesty, I can relate to everything you are going through. it’s so difficult isn’t it and it feels like no one understands, not truly. My life in an instant changed and I do, I truly miss the old me. I feel so alone most days just torturing myself. We are also in counselling which is helping, but I am. I really am struggling to let go which is what my councillor is telling me. All the time I hold onto this it is giving that women the power back.

I hope you continue to find your strength and strive for your happiness.

Totally normal. Have you read "The Body Keeps the Score"?

My counselor also tells me that I either pull from the past (depression) or pull from the future (anxiety). I rarely live in the moment, it’s too scary. The AP takes up way too much of my headspace it’s sick.
I am going to start emdr in therapy soon and I’m praying it helps. Sometimes I wake up and my heart is just racing. I don’t get much sleep and I feel like I’m in hell

The rug got ripped out from underneath us and I feel like I just can’t get up, not yet at least.

Poppy
Have you read in the Just Found Out Forum? And in the Healing LIbrary. There is great stuff in there. A guide around here is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from this. And the 2 years are the outliers. So at 6 months, you are still early in the healing. Many find that at 6 months they get to their anger or rage stage. Year 2 can bring a different form of malaise, when the shock wears off.

That to say, what you are feeling is normal at this point. It does get better, but it is not linear. Seemingly random things may trigger you to feel overwhelmed again, and other days may feel good. It’s a crazy roller coaster, but it does eventually end.

What is your WS (wayward Spouse) doing to become a safe partner? Has he gone NC (no contact) with his AP (affair partner)? Given you 100% transparency on all devices? Done reading and research on affairs on how to fix things? Is he in IC (individual counseling) understanding how he chose to betray you for months with a friend?

And are you in IC to help you process this and understand what you need to survive?

Some marriages survive. Many do not. Some survive and become healthy and fulfilling. Some just stay together, but it’s not happy.
The biggest difference is those that R (reconcile) successfully, BOTH people are 100% committed to R. This means lots of very tough work to heal themselves and then the M (marriage). What doesn’t work is the WS white-knuckling their way without actually doing the deep work to find out why they did it so they can fix the root cause. And the BS has to find their voice and say what they will and won’t accept. It’s not easy, but it can be done. But again, BOTH have to be all in.

So what is he doing to fix this? And what are you doing to help yourself? Do you have anyone IRL to talk to?
Keep reading and keep posting, and trust that you will be fine. You really will.

I chose to D after my WW failed to do any real work, so I'm not one for too much helpful.advice if you want to recover. Though, had my EXWW been a better human being with more potential, then there might have been hope. Still, I have a very strong sense of justice and fairness, so I do t think I would have ever gotten over it and loved her again, at least in any truly meaningful way.

That being said, I can completely identify with the pain you have. During the 6 months we tried R, I would wake up every morning, and for the briefest moment, I would forget. Then the trauma would wash over me and my heart would break. I felt like Prometheus having his liver heal,only to be eaten out of him again. It was killing me by degrees.

My M did not survive infidelity, but I did, a little battered, a little bloodied, but unbroken. YOU will survive, regardless of whether or not your M does. And even though you may not be able to fathom it, you will even thrive.

The trauma and the process of healing has changed me on a quantum level. I'm no longer the man I used to be. Yeah, I miss parts of him, but I got new parts now. I seemed to gave really developed empathy and understanding, something I lacked before. I'm a waaaay better listener and communicator. I have some solid EQ now as well. So, if you overlook the baggage, there are some good aspects to my growth which could make me a better partner. At least a better person.

6 months is early on. What you feel now is not what you will feel in another 6 months. Be patient and give yourself grace.

I've come to the view that the marriage simply dies when the cheating happens, in all but name/appearances.

The question then, after D-Day, is can a new marriage be built.

The answer is obviously "yes".

But:
-will it be a rebuild of the same prior marriage relationship, with the same problems?
-will it be the marriage you want, honest or not?
-is the person who betrayed you worth attempting such a task with?
-what good choices do you really have?
-what direction do you go because of other responsibilities, such as children?
-can you, the BS, deal with the terrible effort it takes to build such a relationship with someone who betrayed you so deeply?
-can the WS deal with the terrible effort to change their ways and become and remain a safe partner.

As far as the 6 month mark, the first six months after D-Day is a HELL I will never walk through again. That I do know.

Without sharing what you have done – both for YOUR personal recovery, what your BH had done for his recovery and what you two have done to rebuild your relationship there is little we can help you regarding where you should be.

What I can tell you is that at six months I would expect you to have the total truth and not have questions and doubts running through your head.
I would expect accountable NC with the OW and her husband. No more friends. Not the same social group.
I would expect AT LEAST that he has been seeing an IC to realize why he felt this was a great idea.

I would HOPE you had some IC to help you deal with this trauma.

I wouldn’t be surprised at six months that you two had maybe started MC a month or so ago…

You will start to feel better. It is just a very slow healing process.

I hope at 6 months from Dday you are doing better than months 1 through 5 from Dday. That should give you some hope that it’s not going to be perfect and sunshine every day. But if you can count more peaceful moments than in prior months, that will show you progress is being made in your healing.

For some people the affair may be a dealbreaker and if that is you, there is very little you can do to change that. For some people there is just no coming back from an affair.

You cannot hurry the healing process along. You have to sort through it. All of it. If you try to hide from dealing with it, just know it could come back to bite you.

Plenty of good books and articles. Check out the healing library here at SI.

A marriage can absolutely survive infidelity assuming there is a remorseful spouse. Six months is too short a time to expect to move on and be back to normal. Have you thought of EMDR trauma therapy?

Besides focusing on R and marriage, I hope you have a good therapist for yourself. Do you have interests, hobbies and friends that do not involve your partner? It might be a good idea to divert some of your attention to those.

Most therapists will tell you the marriage pre -affair is dead. This is a new marriage with new expectations and different boundaries. You lose some of the naivety and romanticism and this marriage is more realistic, raw and practical. You are more careful and sceptical from now on. Give it time, be patient. Don’t let this define your precious life. There is more to you than be a betrayed wife.

Hey OP, how are you handling things?