SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm currently in a space where I hate my Ex. Our divorce settlement is nearly finished. It's been a cordial process. 50/50 split down the middle and walk away. No fighting over anything.

I think maybe in the back of my mind I expected her to eventually come crawling back, but it's clear now that's not happening. Now that I realize that I also realize that I basically don't have any sort of closure or information. I feel like there's so much I don't know. There were so much lying that I have no idea how to determine what might have been truth. She also just wouldn't talk or tell me things. I know that she emotionally detached from me for a while so she felt no need to help me heal.

So as things stand I feel fury towards her and the AP. We've been able to coparent fine and only talk kid logistics but I no longer want to even talk to her about the kids. I want zero contact. I know I can't do that but I'm afraid I'm going to be vindictive here and seek to punish her. In reality I think I'm going to be punishing my kids more.

How do I let go of the anger? I'm not an angry person and I just feel rage. Even through all of this I've never yelled at her or anyone. I box and workout to help work out some of the physical aspects of my anger but it's even stronger now than it was last year when I found out. DDay was 5/31/24 so coming up on a year now.

You’re right to be angry, it’s valid after the abuse she put you through. Have you tried counselling for your anger?

You’re right that it will hurt the kids so stick with it. Only contact her about them and be the grey rock. Avoid any discussion with her, you will not get closure, just more lies and nonsense justifications. Also , you’re only 1 year out. There are people here that had their WW come crawling back after 5 years when they remarried. Don’t wait for that, get living.

What you're feeling is completely normal and healthy. Sit with your feelings and don't try to "let them go." Unfortunately, all stages must be felt in their own time. Process the feelings in healthy ways like you've been doing; exercise, journaling, therapy, sign up for a "smash room" where you get to destroy plates and furniture...any outlet that allows you to fully express your feelings independent of involving your STBXWW and/or children. One bright spot is that the divorce is cordial so far. Expressing anger inappropriately could impact that.
Your anger is completely understandable given what she did, and you should work on accepting that closure will not come to your satisfaction. She is a duplicitous and selfish and will likely take years to herself understand why she did what she did, assuming she even has the moral and emotional depth to care. She may never. That is neither your barrel nor monkeys.
Just trust that you'll move through this to a life that will be more fulfilling. She is no longer a factor in that new life, aside from an occasional reminder when you must coordinate logistics for the kids. Apathy will come soon enough.
Stay strong.

My parents divorced when I was too young to remember. I had no idea that they couldn't stand each other until I was in my 20s. I think that's a testament to good parenting on both of their parts. If you can do that for your children, I know they'll consider it a precious gift when they're older.

You're still in the early stages and you've been left in the dark. I wouldn't expect you to be anywhere but where you are right now. I agree with both Jay and 1994 - counseling and safe outlets for anger can both be helpful.

Something that helped me with the rage was a sort of layman's version of bataka therapy. Here's how to do it:

* Holding a Nerf bat or a pillow with both hands, swing it back over your head so that it's touching your back.

* Using all the anger and energy that you can muster, swing the bat at a couch or a bed with all of your might.

* As you swing, yell. Loudly. You can yell words or you can get primal and just scream. If you yell words, yell one a time and reset the bat so that you make the full swing with each word.

* Keep swinging until you're spent.

* Don't do this in front of animals or children. It will really frighten them.

You have to let the rage run its course. But in a safe space. Hit the pillows, hit the gym, take up boxing or long distance running, journal like your life depends on it, cry and yell and expend that energy. (You are doing lots of these — maybe add to it?)

For a long time I hoped my XWS would try to come back. He never did. And that hurts like a mother. So of course you are angry.

So sorry you are going through this.

(Are you speaking with your XWS or using an app or texting? Do you feel differently when you speak vs use a different method? If so, can you use that method more to help ease your anger and discomfort?)

Your feelings are valid. Like you, I also used boxing during my rage stage (and other stages) to help me release. Eventually I found boxing to be what I loved and did for self so I stuck with it.

Something that helped me during the rage stages was to know that anger is a secondary emotion to hurt. I trained myself to learn to sit with the anger. I told myself not to act it out at all in words or fighting, just sit with it, do some deep breathing…eventually it would turn into the hurt that it really was and I could process it out by labeling what I was hurt by and feeling the feels so I could be there for myself.

Gently, I notice you said she didn’t help you heal. The reality is that we heal ourselves. As challenging of a feat as it is after so much trauma they’ve inflicted. As unfair as it is that they are the ones that abused and hurt us yet we have to learn to nurse the wounds ourselves. IC can help with this process.

It’s understandable that you don’t want to talk to her, I agree with only talking to her about necessary things relating to the kids and nothing else. If getting a parenting app to communicate helps, perhaps try that too.

I’m so sorry you’re here. Your rage is completely understandable. Your want to disengage completely is too. She’s abused you, hurt you deeply, betrayed you, and injured you in so many other ways. Wanting to lash out and go into protective mode is valid. Be kind to yourself as you maneuver these stages, get the support of a good IC if you haven’t already.

((((HurtAndBroken531))) <—- *you’re not broken, you got this*

HurtandB

I had a work colleague about 20 years back who – like me – walked in on his wife and OM in his bed. This happened about a year before we started working together.
He told me that his goal in life was NEVER to see his ex again. Since they had a 3 year old daughter that was going to be hard, but he arranged drop-offs and pick-ups around daycare, had a completely separate set of clothes, toys etc at his place, separate meetings with teachers, doctors and such...
We worked together for a couple of years, then he drifted off. Ran into him again about 2 years ago, buying a present for his daughter’s wedding. I asked him if both he and her mom would be there and he told me that about 10-12 years after they divorced they managed to reach an acceptable compromise to better coparent. They weren’t friends, not friendly, didn’t meet for coffee... but they managed to be amicable and united in decisions regarding their daughter.

I’m recalling this because your anger now is understandable, and maybe even necessary and even healthy for your healing.
Only... it might not be healthy for long.

If your goal with coparenting is based on anger it can lead to you getting angry at minute and irrelevant decisions. Like a kids haircut, or if they scrape a knee or whatever. It leads to situations where your kid feels compelled to only invite you or the mom to the recital, or the wedding.

I get the anger, and suggest you really work at ways to minimize interactions. That can include never entering her home, or having all decisions and planning by email. But work at detaching. Emotional detaching. That in turn can lead you to a place where you can have a rational discussion with her on coparenting. Maybe 12-24 months from now...

You are still really close to the day. Your anger and frustration is completely understandable.

The fact that you will have to coparent with this person who hurt you is going to make things difficult as well, I would strongly recommend counseling.

You will need guidance, that guidance really should be professional, because your feelings are going to be difficult to deal with.

None of us come through this unscathed. The problem with our children is we have to try to not let our scars affect them too much.

Having said that, what happened to you? Also happens to your child, your family, and your child will be affected by it. There's no way to avoid it.

My wife was affected by the infidelities of her parents, and the chaos that ensued.

We did everything we could to try to make sure that the children were protected from fallout from her affair. She was certain that they did not know.

It still happened however, it even turned out that one of our children knew that their mom cheated on me. This child was only seven years old when the cheating occurred, but as time passed, she pieced things together. As an older teen, and a young adult, she had figured out why mom had a man over during the day when daddy was at work.

Then, eventually, she started telling her adult siblings, and it was troubling them, all very young adults. One of them came to me and asked me about it when they were having emotional difficulties of their own after a break up.

I did not directly address it, I spoke to my wife first, and then she spoke to all of them about her behavior.