SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Title says it all ,to all my fellow music lovers.

Went and got my nails done and what song comes on? Oh ya know just one about cheating. I immediately started to feel flooded, triggered and almost started crying. I pulled my hand away so fast from the nail tech , started digging in my purse like a mad woman to find my headphones. I needed something to block out the music because I was right back at dday. Once I popped them in , I immediately felt better.

after that I have learned that I can’t go anywhere without them, all sorts of places play unwanted tunes.
I put them in when I’m at home and it almost makes me feel like I’m safe as weird as that sounds. On the days that it is really hard to be around my H I pop them in and move around the house in my own safe world. Thank God I’m good at reading lips.

I have a 10 year old daughter who also loves to listen to Taylor swift who sings a song called cruel summer and that song triggers the hell out of me. Just the title , considering my H had an affair all summer

I was trying to have somewhat of a normal dance party night with my daughter and I let her pick a song to play and she picked a Morgan wallen song and I flooded (i know AP liked country, we are rock fans) . I Locked myself in the room and cried. I heard my H come home with dinner and my daughter tell him that she made me cry and she should have known better than to play that song. I immediately got mad at myself for making her feel like it was her fault, even more mad at my H because it was his fault. I left for hours and came home at bedtime.

If I leave the house and notice my headphones aren’t in my purse I turn around and grab them. I don’t love my new normal and I sure of the f wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy but I’m glad I found an escape, as stupid as it makes me loook.

Not asking for anything just venting

I feel you. Affair related music has scorched my soul. Music is such a direct path to emotion, it’s sad that what is normally a wonderful thing is also able to torture us this way.

Inkhulk

I had to change my entire genre of music after the A. Stupid AP also pretended to "love" rock because my H was in a rock band. He even bought her a matching shirt at a concert we went to for our anniversary, he told me it was for a male coworker. I was so stupid. I carried it around all night too.. That concert is now ruined and all videos are stored away so I can’t see them.

I hate them both for that.

For what it’s worth, all music used to trigger me. Anything I once loved listening too would remind me of when I listened to it and was mistakenly feeling safe and loved. Cheating songs were especially bad. My favorite singer has one, I won’t mention the name because anyone who knows me knows my love for this musician and the OW has been here. Picture a devasted woman, in the pit of a concert bawling as this song is sang live. Yep, that was me. Anyways, 6 years well into R and I love music again. Cheating songs actually make me laugh. I particularly like the ones where the AP is crying and begging for the cheating spouse to leave their marriage. 🤷‍♀️ it reminds me that someone else was hurt too and it makes me giggle. Not a pretty look on me, but honest. I promise, along with a redeemable spouse or maybe divorce , time is a great healer.

This definitely gets better over time, you might be "reminded" after a few years, but you won't be "triggered".

One of my daughters discovered Lady Gaga, and was playing her music over and over shortly after D-Day, I got to listen to "Bad Romance" a LOT! I actually like Lady Gaga's singing, so it wasn't all bad.

But, to say the least, it was not my favorite song. The song definitely triggered me as my very visual brain conjured up images in my head of my wife furiously fucking her affair partner. On vacation, that year, which consisted of a very long road trip, I got to hear that song over and over and over and over.

I bit my tongue, went to counseling, and got through it without saying anything about it, to anyone. I even took my daughter to Lady Gaga concert. I should be given a medal!

Now, a number of years later, I still like Lady Gaga, and when I hear the song, I remember the shit I was going through then, but it doesn't trigger me.

Trust me, with work, and time, regardless of what happens with your marriage, you can reduce the impact of this type of music on you. Does take a lot of work though.

The same thing happens with movies, especially with cheating in movies, the first time my wife and I went to a movie after D-Day, and there was a woman cheating on her husband in the movie, I kind of froze, but didn't say anything, she had to leave the movie theater so we went home.

This definitely gets better over time, you might be "reminded" after a few years, but you won't be "triggered".

One of my daughters discovered Lady Gaga, and was playing her music over and over shortly after D-Day, I got to listen to "Bad Romance" a LOT! I actually like Lady Gaga's singing, so it wasn't all bad.

But, to say the least, it was not my favorite song. The song definitely triggered me as my very visual brain conjured up images in my head of my wife furiously fucking her affair partner. On vacation, that year, which consisted of a very long road trip, I got to hear that song over and over and over and over.

I bit my tongue, went to counseling, and got through it without saying anything about it, to anyone. I even took my daughter to Lady Gaga concert. I should be given a medal!

Now, a number of years later, I still like Lady Gaga, and when I hear the song, I remember the shit I was going through then, but it doesn't trigger me.

Trust me, with work, and time, regardless of what happens with your marriage, you can reduce the impact of this type of music on you. Does take a lot of work though.

The same thing happens with movies, especially with cheating in movies, the first time my wife and I went to a movie after D-Day, and there was a woman cheating on her husband in the movie, I kind of froze, but didn't say anything, she had to leave the movie theater so we went home.

There are four songs that, when they come on the radio, I'm immediately placed on a certain freeway, in a certain year, driving miserably back from assignment to my office where I worked during the time I first discovered my wife (then fiancée) cheating. Each of the songs had just come out that year..

This definitely gets better over time, you might be "reminded" after a few years, but you won't be "triggered".

The year was 1983.

They're actually good songs, but bring back memories of horrible experiences. So I hafta' kinda' disagree that I "...won't be triggered."

My X sent that stupid Adele song at least a 3 or 4 dozen times to me via various means. Now the moment I hear it, I cringe and it takes a few moments to reset myself back into focus.

Hardyfool my H also plays one of her songs for me and I’m sure years later it will bring me back to this dark ass time.

I used a lot of stainds music growing up to handle a lot of things and although I still love their music , certain songs flood me with memories, I don’t yet triggered but I can see how people say I’ll have memories.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:16 PM, Friday, April 5th]

Music is MY LIFE and there was no way I was letting that bitch have anything that I even remotely liked.

She and H went to an Eli Young Band show while I was off at mother/daughter weekend at camp with my girls. When I got home, he was wearing an EYB hat like it was a damn trophy, only I didn't know he had seen them with her until after DDay. After I found out about that, I ripped the hat to shreds with my bare hands and decided to reclaim the music since they were local and really big at the time. And because I like them.

My biggest music trigger is Nickelback. That friggin' "Figured You Out" song was what H said reminded him of the OW. It's disgusting and I hated it before I knew it was "her" song. I've heard it ONCE since DDay 20 years ago, which I think is pretty remarkable. The one time I did hear it was at the state fair, blaring from a ride on the Midway. I freaked out and bolted. Ran until I couldn't hear it anymore. Haven't heard it since, which is weird. I'm grateful for that. Thank you, universe.

We were listening to 2000s playlist the other day and I was looking at the track list and saw it. NOPE NOPE NOPE. I changed Spotify to a different playlist immediately.

Music from that era reminds me of the A, but like standinghere said, it doesn't pack a punch. It's just like "oh yeah, that happened." Mr. Brightside especially, and I Miss You by Blink 182. And EYB, of course.

If you can, reclaim the music. Make it yours. Don't let the A have it.

Oh, and here's a funny/bittersweet anecdote for you:

While my H and I were separated, we went to lunch together. He was aloof because he was still wayward, but when our song came on the jukebox, he held me while I cried. As soon as it ended, "You Give Love a Bad Name" came on. SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME.... It still triggers him to this day.

I'm posting to ask more about your 'flooding'. Are you flooding, or are you feeling strong feelings? 'Flooding' implies to me an over-reaction. Strong feelings implies just that - strong feelings.

*****

I was not a rock fan when Shot in the Heart came out, so the first time I listened to it was coming home from a therapy session after d-day. I had to pull over and stop, and I still remember exactly where I stopped, 13+ years ago. Whoever wrote it really hit the nail on the head.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:52 PM, Friday, April 5th]

sisoon , good question.

I don't really know. My imagination goes nutty and all I do is imagine them together doing all kinds of sexual things.
Even songs that don't remind me of the A will still trigger my imagination, we love the 80s rock bands and let me just tell you , that era it was all sex and drugs... which he did both with her. I can relate almost any song to the A if I allow myself to, I am getting better at stopping my thoughts but sometimes I just can't.

I listen to a lot of Christian music and music he has never heard of because both of those feel like unclaimed territory.

Sacredsoul

Music from that era reminds me of the A, but like standinghere said, it doesn't pack a punch. It's just like "oh yeah, that happened." Mr. Brightside especially, and I Miss You by Blink 182. And EYB, of course.

Mr.Brightside will probably never be allowed to be played in this house again, which is sad because I loved that song, now it has new meaning.
I can also relate to nickelback and that song, he never talked about any music reminding him of her but that song is just dirty and reminds me of her. I also hate that song.

What does your IC say about your triggering into mind movies? The ones I've worked with would have me go to feelings in place of thoughts.

I've always hated crowds and traffic so we never did rock concerts. I was into orchestral music and blues ... and stayed there until my hearing went. No drugs, because they made my W sick, and I didn't like doing drugs alone.

By the '80s, I thought modern rock had nothing to offer - Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly, Buffy Ste-Marie, Phil Ochs FOREVER! I think, however, that I wasn't supposed to like '80s rock, since I was the parent of a consumer of '80s rock.

Sisoon

What does your IC say about your triggering into mind movies? The ones I've worked with would have me go to feelings in place of thoughts.

I go next week and I haven't brought this up yet, I will though.

By the '80s, I thought modern rock had nothing to offer - Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly, Buffy Ste-Marie, Phil Ochs FOREVER! smile I think, however, that I wasn't supposed to like '80s rock, since I was the parent of a consumer of '80s rock.

This is all my parents listened to growing up haha so it stuck.

Ugh, Taylor Swift 🤮

My WH's AP told him that Cruel Summer was "their song." I can't stomach it but also have preteen girls who love Taylor so it's on regular rotation in our house.

There's a handful of my long time favorite songs that I find very triggering, which sucks but I'm hoping it's temporary. On the other hand, ice discovered new meaning in other songs that has been empowering. Shakira's Don't Bother is my new anthem 😁

I sent my WH a song via text last fall. Aaron Lewis (Someone).I thought the song was beautiful. The only thing that didn't fit were the lyrics "I sure do know how to tell a lie". I asked him to listen to it and specifically mentioned that the "lie" lyric wasn't accurate, but the rest was. Now that I think about it, he never responded. That was Oct. Forward to Dec. DD 12/1. OMG that song is so spot on! I kind of wonder if it's what got him to confess after 42 yrs. Needless to say I can't listen to that artist anymore.

1982 is my trigger year.

I hear you. The Eagles Lying Eyes gets me every time, but not for the reasons in the song. His lying eyes look the same to me no matter what he is saying. WH is not a lyrics guy just a beat and melody listener so he just doesn't get it. Worst, MOW's name is the title of a family favorite song we all sang along to and if it comes on the radio I have to change the station. Happened this Christmas with the whole family in the car and the grown kids have no idea, so I just dug my fingernails into his arm and watched him wince in physical and emotional discomfort. He did not change the station, so I just went somewhere else in my head until it passed.

We went to so many concerts by our favorite artists during his A when I didn't know about it, and during false R when I still didn't, and then after when I did, and the feel the music gives me are all over the place. We don't do the concerts anymore, the crowds have gotten too unruly for the 60's version of me.

Make yourself a playlist of kick ass happy songs and let that help you through. For some reason 3 Dog Night's Celebrate makes me happy every time.

I love music and I am a singer. I love The Who. One of my favorite songs "I Am One"has the lyric " I got a Gibson, without a case." Bitch had a Gibson guitar and my idiot fwh bought her a case for it. My fwh and bitch bonded over music, both are musicians too. I found a Bonnie Raitt cd she made for him with her girlish immature preteen handwriting scrawled all over it. I crushed it with my bare hands. Didn’t even realize I had done it till I saw the shards. I have a hard time with it even after 18 years. Lots of songs are dead to me now.

Cheaters suck.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 7:03 PM, Friday, April 5th]