SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi!

D day Jan 25/Feb 2 2023. WP had with a married woman; EA1yr and PA one night and I believe it (wayward partner because he never wants to marry) We have 2 young kids.
It's been a whirl wind of a year. In which I've let things slide and rug sweep promptly. I have enabled some things but yet set the typical boundaries at the beginning. Marriage and IC at the beginning for both of us. We have had some great times and it's been hard work.
I guess I'm on here to get some support on when it's time to listen to my head instead of my heart.

AP birthday was recently and I knooooow it's bad but I looked at her Instagram and her header message was a song lyric from a song about cheating and how they miss it. She had taken up alot of my headspace at the beginning so I've really been good not looking at all until then..
My body wouldn't sleep that night so I went into my partner's phone.. which I have admittedly done a handful of times this past year, with really nothing bad until now.
His phone text picture album had two selfies from the same day, in our bathroom mirror; one naked and one winking pointing. I checked all the things and to no avail I cannot tell who he sent them to. I have the same phone (android type).. and the only way a picture ends up in the phone text message album is when you send that picture through your text messages..or I guess via switch it to that album manually but why as it was the first picture once you pulled up the albums so it wasn't hiding at all.
I wake him up and ask what the heck and why as I never got this pic?
He swears up and down that he sent those pictures to noone! He is feeling angry and upset because I woke him up, fair enough. I ask him if he is on websites of any sort? Swears no, nothing..
I ask him for call logs/phone records. He says no. Upset he grunts I need to have some privacy!
I told him to leave the bed he says no. I then sleep in the spare bedroom for four nights.
Honestly maybe I'm just so good at being corgeoul that he thinks I'm OK. But I don't think that this is OK.
I've mentioned it a couple of times now. I feel like he wants me to just be over it already.
I really wish he could just be transparent and let me look at the phone records to ease my mind. He acknowledged that the naked selfie would seem sketch if he were me. So why the push back? I'm feeling defeated.
"Clearly getting tired of the supervision, questioning, mood swings from high to low, spying and random demands" he stated.
I know it's not appropriate that I go through his phone. My heart is wanting ignorance is bliss while my brain is happy I found this. Is it a coincidence? Really who cares about what the AP has as their bio statement but what I do care is my WP not willing to make me feel safe in this relationship.
Am I being unreasonable asking for phone records?

Texting other people naked pictures of yourself Is.Not.OK.

Sounds like what he learned from the last affair is how better to hide the next one.

You don’t have to find proof that he is cheating after the affair. You can place the burden on him to prove that he is NOT cheating, and that you will assume he learned nothing and still is otherwise.

I remember your story.

This man has zero remorse. He's sorry he got caught. He's done no work on himself. He's still very wayward.

He's cheating. There is zero reason to take a naked selfish, winking and pointing, unless you are sending that to someone . He's treating you like youre a fool.He refuses to show the phone records because he knows he will be caught again, and he's sick of dealing with the consequences.

I wouldn't bother looking at her SM. If she misses cheating, she's not with him. He's found a new OW.

He's not going to change. You need to change. You need to start respecting yourself enough to stop tolerating this horrible treatment. Some good times don't equal a safe marriage.

Nothing changes until YOU change.

Stop having sex with him,and get tested. Start the 180. Detach.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:26 PM, Monday, April 8th]

Hi January,

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you've learned that your husband is either still cheating or cheating again. Listen to that head of yours. You may not have all the details but you have proof. There is no innocent explanation. If there was, he'd be giving it to you. He would be happy to provide the phone records. This isn't what R looks like. I'm 7 years out and I have access to anything I want any time I want and no one tries to guilt trip me if I want to check. You should not have to sneak around at night, you should have have total access to his phone and any records you wanted. Privacy is for the bathroom. Married people with nothing to hide, don't' need phone privacy. People that were busted cheating and are fortunate enough to be granted the gift of reconciliation, don't whine about privacy. He's manipulating you. He's trying to make YOU feel like the unreasonable one here. You are not being unreasonable.

What everyone else said. He texted someone the nude selfie and won’t show phone records because he doesn’t want to get caught. This isn’t what reconciliation looks like.

Trust your instincts January. You felt off after seeing APs SM, and you found some pretty damming evidence. Now he’s being defensive and making it a you problem, when reality is it’s his problem. Trust yourself, not him. He hasn’t done anything to earn your trust back. He can’t even do the bare minimum, if he had nothing to hide, why is he freaking out about showing you cell phone records. Thats crap. He’s sorry he got caught, he’s not sorry he is cheating, and he is very likely cheating still.

First, does APs BH know? If not, you should let him know, he deserves to have agency in his marriage. If your WP is still in contact with AP, blowing it up and letting BH know is a great way to destroy the affair.

Second, no, it’s not wrong to go through a partners phone. I don’t know where the hell this mentality comes from. Post cheating it should be expected. If he wasn’t cheating/doing something wrong there wouldn’t be any reason to hide anything. He won’t give you his phone records and "deserves privacy" is absolutely ridiculous. Privacy is going poop. Sending nudes to your AP isn’t privacy, it’s cheating. He’s already proven he is a cheater. It’s up to him to prove to you he is worthy of the relationship. Not you.

Good for you for sleeping in a different room, but you will probably need to do more. He’s very happy to have his cake and eat it too.

I wish you courage to escape infidelity, I want to say again, trust yourself. Trust your intuition, trust your instincts.

What stopped me right away is the "doesn’t want to get married".
I’m not big on the all-in-white and the bridesmaids in the same dress, grooms in gold, lobster-and-steak and 200 guests sort-of-marriage. It’s great to have a party, but for me marriage is simply the simplification and formalization of assets, paternity, responsibilities and accountability of starting a family. You can do all that for under 100 bucks at the next courthouse or local registry, and then go have a hot-dog before heading home to clean the bathroom or whatever.
You can do all the "benefits" using an attorney and making legal contracts, but the general purpose of marriage/civil union is to make the relevant factors default. Like... as an unmarried couple he has to sign his name on your children’s birth certificate. As a husband (no matter how the marriage was processed) he’s automatically assumed the father. If he get’s hit by a truck on his way home then as a wife your rights are better assured, and his brother who never liked you can’t kick you and the kids out.

Lot’s of people marry on a whim – a combination of infatuation and limited understanding called "love". Many might do so years later due to an acceptance of responsibility and accountability – also a form of love.

I just worry that you have two kids together, a partner that thinks distributing sexually explicit photos is fine and had a long-term affair with another woman.

There are some risk... Like he could quite easily just pack and leave. Maybe even – if his name alone is on the lease/deed – evict you and the kids...
There are some benefits... like you could quite easily just pack and leave. Maybe even – if your name alone is on the lease/deed – evict him...

We have nothing other than your single post.
Does OW husband know?
Did your partner do any work other than not be in an affair?
Did he go to IC? Has he opened his social media, phone etc to you?
Is he accountable?