SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not really sure what I want to ask here, but I just feel sad and alone and wanted to talk.

My husband is in the living room right now, doing something hugely kind for me, which is what he generally does. He is reformed. I feel cherished. He's done everything I wanted.

I just feel like maybe he did it all too late.

It's not that I don't love him anymore, I do, as much as I always did. It is just that the damage on me is so profound that I don't feel I can be the same person, or any good version.

It was his birthday last month. I used to do really funny, cute things for him, and this time I really tried to but just felt too sad to be funny.

I was looking for photos of us to make him a photo gift, but every photo seemed tainted in one way or another.

He fell asleep when I wanted sex last week and I cried almost the whole next day because I was remembering how much fun he had having sex with AP.

Man, I am just lost, and 4 years on I don't feel I am going to get better.

He broke us. And I do not know how to tell him or explain. I tried a little and he said "but I am really trying" and it was so earnest and so touching that I just stopped.

I kind of wish he'd cheat again, so I could just go and sit somewhere by myself forever and not need to think about these things which haunt me anymore.

He treated me like such bad crap during the first few months of R that I feel like it just broke me.

I have no idea what to do.

I kind of wish he'd cheat again, so I could just go and sit somewhere by myself forever and not need to think about these things which haunt me anymore.

You are allowed to change your mind on R at any time for any reason or no reason at all. You don't have to have "sufficient reason" to just be done with him. You just can be.

I think posts like yours are valuable. I helps us BS'sfeel less alone. But it also showcase profound damage that can occur if a Wayward does not step up after Dday.

I chose to D after about 6 months, but despite my decision, I feel that I have lost a part of myself. And it was a good part, a really good part...

I don't know if I will ever truly recover, but I'll survive. I just wish that some people weren't so shitty.

Just remember. You are not alone.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 1:14 AM, Tuesday, April 16th]

He did break your heart, relationship, and marriage. Just a few months ago he betrayed you again by making an offer on a house after you explained how much that would hurt you.

It doesn’t matter how much effort he makes, nor does it matter that he is being genuine in wanting to change (which is a hard thing for us BS to determine). Your marriage is on borrowed time because you have allowed it.

It’s been 4 years. You aren’t happy with him anymore. Sure you still love him, doesn’t mean you will be happy with him again. That’s the price of an affair. He fucked around and is finding out.

I have my opinion, I’d say don’t torture yourself anymore. You gave it your all and it’s just not working. That being said, only you can make the best decision for yourself. I never say R isn’t worth the shot, I only offer advice and perspective when R isn’t working for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s a WS who just won’t get their head out of their ass, which id say your WH was for a long, long time. Another is that it’s a deal breaker for the BS. This is one of the hardest things I’ve seen for people to admit. That no matter what, cheating is the deal breaker and they can never R with it.

I’d say after 4 years and you’re still where you are the answer seems clear. Not judging or anything, I’ve only just now hit a point where I think I can actually R and move on, and it took me a long time, and a long time apart from WW to make that decision clear for me.

Whatever answer you come too, I wish you nothing but the best and for you to find your way back to being happy.

Well, shit.

He broke us. And I do not know how to tell him or explain. I tried a little and he said "but I am really trying" and it was so earnest and so touching that I just stopped.

This paragraph brings out disgust and something close to hate out of me. Tell him to take a day off work and come read here for a day. Start him on Hannah’s heartbreaking thread. Make sure he reads your words that have had this internet stranger worried about you for months. Let him bathe in this cauldron of pain. Or maybe you don’t want him here, I totally get that. But anything that stopped you pisses me off so fucking much. If you are going to R, if you are going to heal, I think you’ve got to get this shit out of you and he’s got to let you.

I kind of wish he'd cheat again, so I could just go and sit somewhere by myself forever and not need to think about these things which haunt me anymore.

I get this, but it’s a logical fallacy. He’s done far more than enough to justify you leaving him. New acts of betrayal are no guarantee we’d leave when we are in grace mode. Even if he was doing everything perfect (which he hasn’t been, per HINHF’s good memory about the house), he isn’t in the driver seat. You are. You are under no obligation based off his good behavior.

I’ll tell you that within a month here of me setting my eyes toward D, it’s not easy, but it’s different. I’m not looking to her and so not getting disappointed by her chaos. After this long, maybe it’s time you tried a new path.

You, as a spectacular human being, are more important than this marriage, even when it was sparkly and new. Remember that good and proper order of things.

My heart really breaks for you. Please do take care.

From someone looking in it feels like you’re torn between staying and continuing R or separating. That’s understandable with what you’ve gone through but maybe it’s not time to throw in the towel yet. Can you have an honest conversation with him about how you feel? Lay down the requirements he has to do that are well documented in this site and be clear that there are no guarantees. Then watch his actions.

It sounds like he isn’t doing much other than love bombing and that’s not sustainable. He has tons of work to do to show he’s a safe partner.

I think you will always love him, but you need more than love. As my mother used to say, 40 years after divorcing my father, she still held a candle for him and still loved him, but the marriage didn't work after 15 years. You have one life, please don't spend the rest of it feeling sad. You can be happy again, and your good version is there, just wrapped up in a protective blanket. 4 years is a long time, can you speak to IC and work through a solution, whether it be separation (and remain amicable) or more guidance for you? Huge hugs

I just feel like maybe he did it all too late.

I hear you, MintChocChip (my favorite flavor too!). I often feel the same way. I am only 1.5 years into this whole mess. I'm giving myself another 3 years, until our kid is 18, before making a final decision, so I see you as the future version of me. Making the decision to leave is so damn hard and scary, but I imagine it comes with a sense of freedom and relief, too. I imagine waking up each day without having to think about my WS and the affairs and how I will have to face him. I'm sure the grief is ever-lasting (how could it not be?), but I imagine the joy in being alone is sweeter and would eventually overcome the loss.

He broke us. And I do not know how to tell him or explain. I tried a little and he said "but I am really trying" and it was so earnest and so touching that I just stopped.

...If you are going to R, if you are going to heal, I think you’ve got to get this shit out of you and he’s got to let you.

I second this wholeheartedly. I made a list of all the things that I was angry about, and read it aloud to my H. Snot, tears, venom - it was all in full effect. My H took it. He sat there and cried and took it, and then he apologized. If your H can't handle the truth of what he did to you, he doesn't deserve to R with you.

I kind of wish he'd cheat again, so I could just go and sit somewhere by myself forever and not need to think about these things which haunt me anymore.

I relate to this so much. I often dream about a cozy little cabin in the dark, rainy woods with no one else for miles around. No one else to consider. Nowhere I have to be. Rain, so there's no pressure to get outside and do something productive. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. I found out a few weeks ago that my H thought he was included in my little escape fantasy. No, dude. You're part of (most of?) what I want a break FROM. I love him and I like being with him, but damn, thinking about everything to do with him just wears me out sometimes. If I ever hit the lottery, I'm building a little cabin and I'll share it with others like you who just want a friggin' break.

I'll second or third, or wherever we are in the count, that you don't have to stick around for R if you're not feeling it, no matter how much he might be doing right. This is your one life.

You may be 4 years out from your first d-day, but you're 6-8 months out from a major betrayal. That resets your clock, though I don't know exactly how it resets the clock.

In any case, it looks like you got 3+ years of no work by your WSo, a major betrayal, and 6-8 months of love-bombing or honest work.

'Too late' is often the reason a BS dumps the WS/WSo, and it's a great reason, IMO.

BTW, at 6 months out, there was no way I was going to do much for my W. It took almost 4 years of true R for me to be willing to celebrate with her.

He broke us. And I do not know how to tell him or explain. I tried a little and he said "but I am really trying" and it was so earnest and so touching that I just stopped.

...If you are going to R, if you are going to heal, I think you’ve got to get this shit out of you and he’s got to let you.

I second this wholeheartedly. I made a list of all the things that I was angry about, and read it aloud to my H. Snot, tears, venom - it was all in full effect. My H took it. He sat there and cried and took it, and then he apologized. If your H can't handle the truth of what he did to you, he doesn't deserve to R with you.

Okay I third this.

You are both making his feelings more important than yours. This only reinforces the feelings of betrayal and keeps them raw. If he can’t sit with you and make your feelings important, and you can no longer be vulnerable with him there is no path forward.

That in itself is grounds for a divorce. I think the problem is you do t really want that. You want to feel seen and heard and experience a connection. But he is hiding in his avoidance and you don’t feel safe.

And it’s a slap in the face to have to force that because love is showing up for the other person.

Sure, he maybe showing up but it’s still only in the ways that he is comfortable doing so, rather than getting curious about what you need.

My feeling is he is trying to give you what he thinks you need. Thats is still something, but it’s not going to make the pathway back in the way you both want.

And yes, I am going to say you both want. Does knowing that help bridge the gap enough for you to sit down and have the discussion you need to have? The one where you are honest about where you are at?

Because if you do that and he doesn’t meet you there, then I think you need to leave. If he does meet you there, you might finally get some of the salve you need. But it’s going to take a leap of faith where there is none.

The ws cant heal the relationship on their own. The bs can’t do it in their own either. It takes coming together in a vulnerable way. As long as he keeps serving you up what he is comfortable giving (which sounds like it may equate to love bombing? I can’t tell by this post?) and as long as you keep it all inside, there will be no restoration.

The only choice you have is to sit down and have this talk with him. At some point, he needs to see no matter how hard he is trying, he needs to try instead to give you what you actually want. And you have to ask for it because he can’t read your mind.

At this point you have nothing at all to lose because at this rate you are getting a divorce or staying in these feelings for longer than is needed.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:34 PM, Tuesday, April 16th]

I think posts like yours are valuable. I helps us BS'sfeel less alone. But it also showcase profound damage that can occur if a Wayward does not step up after Dday.

I chose to D after about 6 months, but despite my decision, I feel that I have lost a part of myself. And it was a good part, a really good part...

I don't know if I will ever truly recover, but I'll survive. I just wish that some people weren't so shitty.

This comment of Justsomeguy struck me so badly.

I am 4 and a half years after DDay and I am not sure of my life anymore. There has not been a SINGLE day in which I have not thought about the betrayal and how unfair and hurtful it has been and what a great disappointment I have faced.

Some days I think it would have been better just to divorce.

Then I speak to people who divorced and I don't see a better life in them either. People I know who have divorced have become extremely selfish and self-centred. Lots of women have started to work with animals because they feel they cannot trust men anymore. Others have had many different relationships and none of them have become permanent, they always found something they could not put up with. Others have become the loneliest people on Earth. But I don't know anyone who was "reborn" after divorce. The finances become harder, the families do not exist anymore and especially during special days in the year people feel the full weight of their changed life.

It just seems that betrayal has caused an unrepairable damage and yet WS are not the ones who face the consequences of their choices. It is the BS who are the most affected by this terrible trauma. WHY WHY WHY DID THEY NOT THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES??

The more I read about it, the more I think countries should punish severely WS who are abusing so badly their spouses. Would that help reduce the numbers of this cruel choice?

I feel the same way and my WH knows this because he can see it in my face. One person can only take so much.

Like others have said, you can still choose to separate or divorce even if your WH is doing all the right things now. Take some time for just yourself, maybe a solo trip or a weekend away from it all.

I don't have much to offer except I can relate so much to what you wrote. And today I realized the time between my serious relationships when I was single were probably the times I was most happiest because no one could let me down like my exWH and current WH have.

Hey, I hope you will keep talking thru this. I have found talking at length with this community has helped me get unstuck so many times. While I acknowledge there are undesirable consequences in leaving, clearly there is misery in the status quo. Forgive me if this comes across as insensitive, but I believe the only chains on you are of your own making. Talk with us, talk with IC, talk with friends, journal, but keep making progress. Don’t give up, ok?

Oh boy ! I hear you although I’m just 8 months post d day and been married 25 years. He has done everything right since d day and we have been fighting to save the family , turn to each other heal etc. I’m just broken. I’m tired. I’ve fought but just feel broken :( I’m 58 yrs old. Divorce sounds awful but being broken is awful also. I was a strong fun woman before. Confident t. Self aware. I’ve lost my sparkle

If you are not in IC, seek it out. You need better "outside your head" help than you can get from a forum constituency.

I know this feeling, the FWS is "back to normal", "better than new", but they are also acting like this incredible betrayal never happened and they are being the very best version of themselves, but the wounded party still hurts.

No advice here but reading your post brought me to tears. I'm very sorry. I hope you find peace.

I'm so sorry, it's awful. I feel what you wrote to my core. Broken, it may be too late. 9 Months out

Mint

I am so sorry you’re here , if anything stood out to me it would be this

He fell asleep when I wanted sex last week and I cried almost the whole next day because I was remembering how much fun he had having sex with AP

I just woke my H up after being asleep for a half hour. He mowed all day, took care of the kids so I could go to the gym, write , shop , all the things I need to do to help heal. He was exhausted and has a huge physical job tomorrow. I woke him up and told him I needed him to make love to me. I needed to feel close to him. All I can think about is how everytime he saw AP they had sex
He told me so. Of course he woke up and he loved on me until he passed back out.

He had sex with AP every time he saw her , so of course I wonder why everytime he sees me
He doesn’t want to make love with me.
I’m trying to remind myself , he sees me every day, he only saw her a few hours a week and if he saw her more he probably wouldn’t be so quick to drop his pants. Our H are changing their ways, they are being there for us , isn’t that a step?
Right now I’m finding my value in sex and I think I am bc of the AP. I am trying to fill this fantasy I’ll never fill because I’m more than that and so are you.

He treated me like such bad crap during the first few months of R that I feel like it just broke me.

Girl. My H did too. Four months of complete TT and minimizing. Making me think that he wasn’t as effed up as he was. I Hope your H is coming clean and recognizing the damage done. I am
So sorry for how he treated you, I honestly consider this abuse, I still am feeling the raw pain from it 5 months later.

I am sorry I didn’t have much to offer minus saying I can relate. The pain reaches our core, we question our furure, our past, and how the hell can we live in the moment when all we want to do is crawl out of our skin? I am not sure.
I would Recommended IC, it has helped me some , I should be going more than I am but funds are tight with 4 kids.

I read your post and couldn’t help replying , I’m with you, I see you , and I hope you the best.

Oh wow does this resonate with me...

I am 7 years out from d-day 1 and 4.5 from the last known A related contact between my WS and AP. We are no longer married, I moved away and bought my own house, but we still date - from a distance and that with the agreement we will tell the other if we want to see someone else. There is no promise of exclusivity in that the door is wide open to have such considerations and they not be a breach of our relationship as it stands, but that we will not act on such desires without telling the other. So far, I have not an to my knowledge neither has he. there are times where I can feel the old happiness come back but it is fleeting, and I think while he has changed for the better (wow do I wish he had been this person 15 years ago when we met) but I have have changed, especially in my ability to FEEL the same way about him over an extended period of time. I too used to do all kinds of great things for his birthday and he will tell people I am the "best" birthday gift giver ever because I "always seem to know the perfect gift for him," which he attributes to my "paying attention" and bering "so thoughtful" when I would do/get whatever it was as a gift. His birthday is relatively soon - in the past I would already have some kind of plan (normally my gifts were not just something but somewhere) - but now, it seems....IDK. Like something I know I should do, but I can't bring myself to get excited or remotely creative about it. And the person he is now, on the merits, deserves so much more than the person who received all of my effort. Yet, I still struggle.

I also feel like my WH's treatment of me after being caught was what did the majority of the damage. However, it is unclear if you have conveyed these feelings to your WS. I have on mulitple occasions. I have also told WH I don't want him to waste energy trying to "win me back" - I don't want platitudes or temporary behavior - I want to see and know what is real and make a determination if I can give it another real go. He has decided to wait that period out, and has been understanding and willing to listen to the damage his past behavior had on me to the point we don't need to talk about it anymore. There are times that I feel like I'm just done and other times where I feel like maybe it could all work out for us still. In other words, I am still not sure about him and my feelings haven't solidified into anything supporting one way or another strong enough for me to decide once and for all which way to proceed. For now my WS is wiling to wait. IDK how long that will last, nor do I expect him to wait forever.

I think you need to reframe this a bit and give yourself a break. While the big focus on this site, and for good reason, is what is the WS doing to more R forward - the other part of this equation is you. I am fortunate in that I am not still overwhelmed with feelings of hurt and anger - his behavior has quelled that for me as has the passing of time. I think you need to give yourself permission to recognize that if this form of R is not working for YOU, no matter how great your WS has been and how he has done most of what you would have wanted (no one does everything all the time). And, it sounds like this stumbling block you have come up against is inside of you - and there is little/nothing he can do to change that. So consider this:

One of the things I hear on this site ALL THE TIME is people saying they wished their WS had TALKED TO THEM if they were unhappy about whatever, or that they had TALKED TO THEM if they were feeling interested in someone else/detached from their BS - whatever problem they were having, giving that person the opportunity not to try to fix the issue but to know what is going on in their relationship. I think you owe your spouse this same "courtesy" and you owe it to yourself, especially when you both are trying to R.

Taking time away from my WH did not ultimately bring as much clarity as I had hoped, as my situation clearly indicates. But it DID help me move past living in the negative shadow of his A. It sounds to me like you need some time to yourself for starters - and, I see no reason to keep that to yourself when explaining to your WS why you need that time. Maybe the A was a deal breaker for you and that's what you're struggling with now. Maybe you're more like me - I was always a very independent person prior to hooking up with my WH, and I am enjoying some of that freedom now, both by having time to do what I like and geographically traveling a lot, which due to WH's job, he simply cannot do. I am not sure if I want to give all of that up to go back to him (or anything new for that matter). But for whatever reason there is no need to live in this self imposed limbo. Talk to your WS about how you feel - really. Get it all out there. It's likely going to hurt. And you don't know what he may say or do...maybe he will decide to "give up" (which at this stage is his prerogative to do, just as it is yours). Maybe he will beg and plead. Who knows/. But what you do know is that in order to have a good relationship going forward it must be in honesty. So I think expressing how you feel - putting it all out there - is what you must do, for both of you.