SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today has been a very upsetting day and I really can’t pinpoint why but I just needed to vent. My husband had an affair last summer and during the summer, our neighbors bullied our 10-year-old daughter, including the parents. My husband was gone a lot of the time visiting his AP so of course he wasn’t aware of what went on. They usually started on my daughter and me when he wasn’t home. I remember one time he came home because I called him four times before he would answer his phone. I begged him to come home because they were threatening to harm my daughters and All while this is going on the mom is egging it on. I remember him walking in the door and basically saying that my daughter antagonized a lot of things with them and he was so cold. I mean he sat on the opposite side of the couch from me and his eyes were not those of my husbands. Why did I not see that he was doing something then? How could a husband not defend his wife and children the entire summer? He actually made a comment to me that she just needs to play our backyard and avoid being out front because he "didn’t want to deal with it". I actually had to pull up camera footage and show him that she didn’t do anything but like why would I have to? They are 16 and 17 years old. He should always defend his family.

This has happened and summer is approaching here again. He has noticed everything he didnt do last summer. We have called the cops a couple of times and he has confronted the neighbors and he’s overly mad, but he stuck his head in the sand the entire last summer. He feels awful he hates who he was but he abandoned us for what? His OWN children suffered. How do you forgive that? He put himself before our child’s safety, before me. Someone tell me they’ve forgiven something like this because today I’m not doing well. I see him as a coward who would abandon us for himself. Although he is different now, I can’t let it go just yet. I would never put my kids after myself.

No advice, but I can relate (again) to your post. My WH also had an A that took place over last summer. As summer approaches I’m kinda dreading it and he’s all like "what should we do, where should we go, let’s make the most of this summer" - here I’m like, and wtf were you busy doing last summer loser?!

It’s such a shitty feeling knowing that they have chosen and put themselves in front of their family (like, we’re talking innocent children here) - HOW?! This is something I also struggle with daily. I don’t have any tips or solid advice to give in respect to this, but I hope one day I can also offer forgiveness for my WH’s cowardly and selfish choices.

Heartbrokenwife, it is so horrible isn’t it?
My h also tells me we are going to make the most of this summer and he will make it the best summer ever. But how? I literally walk out into the backyard and it feels like a grave yard. Just staring at all the stuff , the pool , the trampoline, lawn chairs , all the things we enjoyed it haunts me. If that makes sense? I can’t even imagine enjoying any of those things. Why? Because the whole time I was enjoying those things thinking my life is great my h was effing his AP all over the place.

Heartbrokenwife. I can’t private message you but I feel like we have so much shitty shit in common. I’m so sorry.

I think I have to have 50 posts before I can receive/accept private messages … 20 more to go I will keep you in mind once I reach this threshold

Ugh … so much in common (unfortunately ) … it all sucks so much and is beyond unfair.

I get what you’re saying. It’s hard to picture last summer and all the things we did as a "family"
- it was all BS and tainted memories. This summer in general will be a trigger, especially as we approach the date when it "first happened." Personally for me, I’m hoping to do some ME things this summer - I hope you do this as well

So much shitty shit - at least we’re not alone!

This is a tragic example of why we say that they cheat on more than the spouse. They neglect the children, the home, their jobs. Even if they manage to do some, they are taking time, energy, and care AWAY from the very things they should focus on. This is so sad.

What does he say when you bring this up? Does he see the difference? Has he apologized to your daughters? To you?

Oh Groot I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I have no advice but have some understanding of those feelings.

My WH fooled around with his co-worker at work and they have cameras all over the place. He could have got fired but did he care no! Like WTF - you need to provide for your family dip shit!

We are going away on a trip next week. It was meant to be for our anniversary. Whilst I’m looking forward to the trip (lots of fun things planned) the reason we are going is making me uncomfortable. I’m just going to try and forget my anniversary this year. Maybe forever .

I don’t mean to minimize your pain. It is raw and you are still feeling the "abandonment of marriage" when people cheat.

The first 5 years I relived every holiday and special event (including our 25th wedding anniversary) with reminders of what my H was doing (ie during his affair). How he texted her, how he was with her. The fact he celebrated his 50th birthday with her first.

Now it’s 11 years later and while I remember everything it doesn’t impact me as much. I may remember it but I don’t let it ruin my day.

I decided 3 years post Dday that I needed to change my mindset. I was letting his affair ruin me or impact me. And that was on me to change. I didn’t want the affair to win or have a hold over me any longer.

I can tell you the first 3 years I woke up every day and his affair and cheating and kicking me to the curb was the FIRST thing I thought of.

Now? It rarely happens that I think if the affair but if I do, I’m not crying in my coffee lol.

I hope this helps you realize that it will not always be this way for you. But it takes hard work on your part to get there.

Bearlybreathing

What does he say when you bring this up? Does he see the difference? Has he apologized to your daughters? To you?

He has apologized more times than I can count to us. He sees how he completely lived in a fantasy world and he admitted he didn't know how serious it was. He also admitted that he told his AP " I don't want to go home and deal with this shit" he said he feels the worst for that.
He let our front yard go last year , which to me should have been a complete sign ( He does landscaping on the side and always keeps our yard looking nice). Last year he barely mowed, didn't help me with flowers or anything, everything else here also lacked obviously.
This year our front yard is magazine worthy so he is trying to show things are different, he is doing everything he can do to make me see that he is different.

Webbit

My WH fooled around with his co-worker at work and they have cameras all over the place. He could have got fired but did he care no! Like WTF - you need to provide for your family dip shit!

My H AP was also a coworker and he said that is what added to the high , it was "Forbidden"

The1stWife

I appreciate your honesty , I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO and I am trying so hard to change my mindset and it is not sticking yet, you are right the pain is so raw. We sat down last night and he cried because he broke the new basketball hoop he tried to put together for the kids and he said he felt like a "failure" for what he did to us and he said he feels like he is still failing. ( I am not good yet at giving him credit to his face) I was proud of myself because I told him " You can't heal me anymore, I have to do it myself" and here I am left with this big pile of shit to work through and try to heal and I am moving at a snails pace.
I did slip in that I didn't' give a shit about a $50 basketball hoop anyways that he fucked up more shit than that so why does it matter? Those punches keep coming.

No matter how fast you move, you'll think its' at a snail's pace. This stuff is full of pain, and it's natural to want to get through it quickly.

The thing is: you go at your own pace no matter. It's like you are wherever you are. It's you that you have to heal, and you're always with yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Feel the feelings - that lets them go. It's just that there are lots of feeling, so you have to feel a lot of anger, grief, fear and shame. It will come to an end, though ... you'll notice one day that the main part of the awful feelings are gone.

Start by being kind to yourself. Then give yourself permission to take as long as you need to heal.

Six months is just a start. Your life will get better, the more you let yourself feel.