SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The day after Valentine’s Day, I found myself opening a child support notice addressed to my husband while sorting through our mail before work. Given that his obligations from a previous marriage had ended years ago after his children grew up, I assumed it was a clerical error. However, the reality was far more shocking: the notice wasn’t for his ex-wife but from a woman I had never heard of.

Confronting him, he confessed to a one-time affair six years ago with a coworker from his previous job at a grocery store. After a late shift, the crew gathered at someone’s home where, he claims, the encounter happened unexpectedly and the protection failed. He expressed immediate regret and had not contacted her since, even after hearing rumors that she might be pregnant.

I went to work that day feeling numb and managed to keep my composure over the following days, but I realize now that I was just frozen with shock. We’ve decided to give it a year to sort things out; he’s begun individual counseling, and we recently started couples therapy. I’m also in individual counseling to help process my emotions.

Right now, I am overwhelmed with anger. Our 17th wedding anniversary was last week, which has compounded the pain. What was once a celebration of our commitment now feels hollow and tainted by betrayal. How could he betray our trust in such a profound way? The complexity of the situation deepens with the potential financial implications if the paternity test confirms his fatherhood. This ordeal has shattered my belief in him and our financial stability, making it incredibly difficult to see a clear path forward. I always believed he would remain faithful, but this revelation has left me feeling deceived and foolish. It’s hard to carry on, but I am trying to find my way through this betrayal.

I am sure others will be along to weigh in. But I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this.

Many of us can relate to shocker things like this happening to them. Mine was a phone call from a child agency wanting to talk with him about his AP who was using his last name. I can relate to being neuro spicy and I just could not grasp the mess exwh made of our otherwise seemingly good life. I wish you peace and healing as you deal with this situation none of us would want to be dealing with.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry for the pain and confusion you're feeling. There are some posts pinned at the top of the forum that you may find helpful, plus some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the forum and has some great information, including the list of acronyms we use. There's a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum for BSs (betrayed spouses - that's you) dealing with an OC (other child).

He should be in IC (individual counseling) to work on his whys and to become a safe partner. For you, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful in working through this. Although it has been 6 years for him, it is brand new to you. He doesn't get to do a "get over it already" sitch on you. MC (marriage counseling) can be tricky because many MCs subtly shift the blame to the BS. The A (affair) was 100% his decision and not related to anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, etc. If the reason for an A is "unmet needs", I would have cheated.

This wasn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He made conscious decisions to have sex with somebody outside of marriage, heard she might be pregnant, and kept all of this from you. I'm guessing they didn't use any protection. Cheaters lie, and then they lie some more.

He should read the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It is a good blueprint for him to follow. Remember, he's known about this for 6 years and could have come forward and told you at any time. (Frankly, he should have not been at the party, and shouldn't have put himself in that position.)

Expect your emotions to be all over the place. We call it the emotional rollercoaster, and you can go for a ride at any time. Infidelity is a b.

Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. No one wants to need this place, but it is really a great place to be when you need it. You’ll get lots of support and lots of advice here. Take what helps you immediately. Think about the replies that make you feel uncomfortable before rejecting them outright. And leave what you decide doesn’t help in the moment—you can always come back to it if something changes or move on from it completely if it misses the mark. Everyone here has been through infidelity, and it has devastated every one of us in different but similar ways. Everyone here wants to help and support you.

So first, huge hugs of support and strength to you. My first advice is: keep this place for yourself, your safe place. Don’t share it with your WH right away. You need someplace that is just for you to share, vent and get support.

This is the worst kind of life-altering shock. I’m so sorry. We’ve all been there at that moment when suddenly the whole world as you know it is changed, your spouse is a complete stranger dressed in the skin of your best friend, and the life that you loved and thought you were living is just. . .gone in a second. It can really leave you disoriented and grieving,

So first, take care of yourself. Make sure to hydrate and to eat when you can. Take time to do whatever can help you feel calm and relaxed even for a few minutes.

And now, gently, I’ll say that almost no one gets the full story this early on. Have you considered how very unlikely it is that he was with someone just the one time and that happened to be the time she got pregnant? Not impossible, but experience on this site will lead most of us to say it’s not likely. Many WSs only tell the barest minimum of what they need to disclose—often they only admit to what is already found out and verified by other means. It’s very likely that there will be more shocks and more discoveries to come as things proceed. It is even possible that she wasn’t the only affair he’s had.

I say this not to upset you but to warn you that the one common denominator of cheaters is that they lie. They had to lie daily, every day, to you and quite possibly to themselves in order to start and have an affair, and then they had to lie to you (at the very least by omission) every single day since by keeping such critical information about your life and marriage from you.

And the financial aspect is indeed another betrayal. He allowed himself to risk your health (from unprotected and undisclosed sex with someone else and your mental and emotional health from discovering his betrayal), your financial stability, your marriage, your life together, your future. Infidelity is a traumatizing betrayal of the highest magnitude.

Has he done a DNA test yet? Have you both been tested for STDs? Has he offered to take a polygraph to assure you that you have full disclosure of the extent of his betrayal and any other possible affairs? What is he doing to own this and help you heal—whatever you need for that?

Many more will be along to help. I hope you are finding moments of peace. Keep posting and keep reading. For most of us, this can be an extremely lonely and isolated road. Sharing and reading here can be a great source of help in navigating a road that none of us expected to have to walk.

A child support notice?
Maybe it’s terminology, but generally such a notice isn’t issued until paternity has been established.
Has the OW filed a paternity claim and/or has your husband signed a confirmation of paternity?

This is relevant because it would confirm (or refute) that he knew of the child.

I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond and share their thoughts and advice. Your support means a lot during this challenging time. I am reviewing all your messages and will reply more specifically soon. Thank you again for your kindness and guidance. ❤️

@bigger my understanding is that WS has not signed any Voluntary Declaration of Paternity so I am puzzled about how a child support notice could be issued without a formal declaration or court determination of paternity. A paternity test is scheduled for next week. I am currently trying to understand the legal processes involved, as there seems to have been no prior legal action to establish paternity that I am aware of. This has been a confusing and stressful time to say the least.

Side note: This woman has two other young kids from a different father.

There are many many reasons and explanations.

BUT he had an affair [and potentially and OC] he was ready to take to the grave.

I sadly fear you have hit the tip of a very large iceberg.

No matter what the outcome - please contact a few attorneys. Many have free consultations.

I'm so very sorry.

I’m sorry you are here. Do you have children? I ask because some states have the first filing support to get more. You may want to file asap if you do as paternity establishment might take a bit on the other woman’s end and buy you a bit of stability for your kids (if you have them). Yours may get more with definite paternity while waiting on the other test. Sorry to ask a personal question.

I am so very sorry for your situation. You are not alone. My husband’s affair 24 years ago lead to his AP (affair partner) becoming pregnant. This happened shortly after I had miscarried and we had no child of our own yet. We were only 4 years married at the time I believe (in my early 30’s) Somehow we managed to keep our marriage together and have a daughter of our own. It was all I wanted in life at that time, and I wasn’t going to let some nobody take that away from me. In hindsight maybe not the best decision of my life as I am back here 24 years later dealing with his EA (emotional affair).

Anyway, that’s just to say, you are not alone. I know it feels like the worst thing in the world that could have happened. But you can get through it and find happiness again. I did for many years.
But I would also echo others warning to be prepared for more to come out. In my experience the child support system works rather aggressively to "hold the men accountable". I find it surprising that it took six years for them to issue an order (or notice?) and it makes me think he has know and been dealing with this issue secretly for that time. Possibly even paying support voluntarily??? You will get more answers in time.
I would suggest you pull his credit report though and find out if he has undisclosed debt or accounts you don’t know about.
You DO need to consult a lawyer, you need to protect your income from being included in the support determination, and there are tax issues as well.

I find it surprising that it took six years for them to issue an order (or notice?) and it makes me think he has know and been dealing with this issue secretly for that time.

Not saying it is in this case but a delay is typical when the mother doesn't want the father involved and files for state assistance. The states require fathers to be declared for all children at that point and automatically file for child support against the dads as that cuts the amount the state has to fund. That fits the facts of this case.

R after an affair is hard enough with just 2 people. Had my wife gotten knocked up with a kid, then there would have been no R. Do you really want that nonsense in your life?