SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted here somewhat frequently at the end of 2018, when my wife confessed to an affair she had much earlier in our life together. It was devastating for me and nearly ended our marriage. With the help of lots of therapy and many email exchanges with a couple members of this board, I made the decision to stay in my marriage and work on reconciliation.

For me, reconciliation has been a cycle of working through lots of "D" words - Disgust, Distrust, Doubt, and Depression, to name a few. Each month and each year that goes by, there is a longer and longer period of time where these thoughts stay "out of cycle" and I genuinely enjoy my life, love my wife, love our family, and feel happy.

However, if there is a point in which these feelings disappear for good, I have yet to find it.

I have accepted the fact that my life will not match the hopes or dreams that I have had for it. My dreams of a family life of course did not include an affair, nor did it include the many frustrating byproducts of surviving an affair; the never-ending triggers in TV and movies and music, the intrusive thoughts, the distrust and jealousy, and so on. My dreams of a family also did not include a divorce or shared custody, so there is no outcome here that aligns with my values.

I believe this is the gist of reconciliation - accept that your life will never be what you had hoped it would be, change your goals, lower the bar, soften your values, forgive the seemingly unforgivable.

Do the math. Pick the 'least worst option'. Remind yourself that every relationship is hard, life isn't a fairytale, cope however you need to cope to move on and try to live the best life that's available to you.

"Unfair" is such a simple, even stupid word, so often used by my children and other children to exaggerate any minor inconvenience, but I can't seem to find a better word to describe reconciling as the betrayed partner (just another injustice, I suppose).

You are the victim, and yet you are also the punished. You suffer the triggers, the intrusive thoughts, the disappointment and depression, and even more so, for your life and marriage to function and maintain some semblance of happiness, you also bear the burden of suffering those thoughts largely alone. It's so god damn unfair.

There is nothing left to be said about my wife's affair. We've said it all. We've discussed it ad nauseum. First by shouting, then in therapy, and finally now in melancholy talks during the rare times I feel the need to vent about what I'm feeling. There is no puzzle to be solved, no satisfying answer to tease out, and no amount of thinking or planning or strategy can change the past. It drives me almost mad.

My wife has done everything right. I have zero doubts that she fully regrets her affair, she hates who she was back then and what she was able to do and the various bad choices she made, and it pains her to know how much it has affected me and will always affect me. I love the women she is today, I love our family, I love spending time together and when I am not thinking about what she did 15+ years ago, I am well and truly happy.

But that's the rub - I can't stop thinking about what she did, and I know I never will be able to stop. It's not in my character to stop thinking about it. I have always been insecure, prone to jealousy, vulnerable. It is a wound so deep that it will never heal.

I am writing this (to no one's surprise, I am sure) after a rough week, and I am sure that in another week I might read this and cringe and think "life is good, you dope". I hope that's how I feel in a week. I can't stand how "stuck" I feel when I think about it, how the unfairness of it all seems to swarm every last neuron in my brain and I obsess over a desire to change the past that is so strong and yet so impossible, and I just want to explode in impotent rage.

If I could erase any memory or knowledge of her affair from my mind, I would absolutely do so, and I pray that I forget more and more about it each year. Not because I want to rug sweep the affair, but rather because despite the fact that I have accepted it and come to terms with it and have decided to move forward in our life together, I feel incapable of being truly happy for as long as the memory of the affair exists.

It's like a gremlin that lives in my mind and torments me - "remember when she said 'yes' to that guy, how she said 'yes' to doing the one thing you absolutely needed her to never do, the one thing you needed her to say 'no' and to think of you and protect you and love you? Remember what she did with him and how she did it and how much fun she probably had doing it? Remember this, and that, and other thing and how AWFUL those things make you feel? Remember? REMEMBER??"

Breathe. It was almost 20 years ago now. She's not that person anymore. She loves you. She lied to you BECAUSE she loves you and didn't want to lose you. She confessed to you voluntarily - why would she do that if she didn't love you? She's made every effort she can make to earn back your trust. She's read the books and done the work and listens when you vent and loves you with her whole heart.

There's only one thing she can't do - change the past. "Unfuck that guy", as one of the poets on this board put it.

Fuck.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 8:24 AM, Friday, May 3rd]

[This message edited by CantBeMe123 at 11:13 PM, Wednesday, May 1st]

Hi CBM,
I wanted to say that I read your original post and you've been heard. I'm sorry I didn't post sooner.

I could have written it myself, though I doubt as eloquently.
We go into reconciliation thinking it is about reconciling with our partner but actually the bigger struggle is in reconciling the possible with the desired.

I chose R. I choose it every day. I get to see my kids every day. I take joy in the relationships I am building with each of them because of that choice. I take some satisfaction that the A was a trigger for me to prioritize my own needs more. My WS supports this and in many ways I have a better partner than I have ever had.

But this could and should have been possible without the A, the memory of which still weighs heavy.
I share your anguish in the unfairness inherent in having to settle for the least worst option.

I'm sorry you decided to delete your post. It was very helpful to me when I too was having a bad week. I hope you're well.

Hi CBM

I wish you hadn’t deleted. It would be good to hear from you.

Take care.

CBM - I could have written this post, may be not as eloquent as yours. Going on 40 years now.

I am seriously thinking of finding a betrayal trauma therapist. There has to be more to life than harboring these feelings for so long.

Wishing you peace.

S.

Each month and each year that goes by, there is a longer and longer period of time where these thoughts stay "out of cycle" and I genuinely enjoy my life, love my wife, love our family, and feel happy.
However, if there is a point in which these feelings disappear for good, I have yet to find it.

Note that I've met at least a dozen BSes in R at various get togethers (g2gs). The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to heal. I've never met a BS who's at peace after only 5 years. The best I've seen at 5 years is a high level of comfort about making the right choice for themselves and a growing sense of ... peace? ... over the belief that one's M will keep getting better.

IDK ... it's possible - likely, IMO - that your W's confession came from a knowledge that it was a barrier between you. (I may be projecting here - part of my fidelity came from the fear that if I cheated, it would be a barrier between my W and me.) So confession is a sign of love and connection, even while it's traumatic, especially for the BS.

I also suspect that confessing a long-ago A is especially traumatic for the BS, because it tells the BS they've been living a lie for years/decades. A corollary is that it takes longer for a BS to heal from a long-ago A.

I have accepted the fact that my life will not match the hopes or dreams that I have had for it. ...
I believe this is the gist of reconciliation - accept that your life will never be what you had hoped it would be, change your goals....

I think that's the gist of life.

...lower the bar, soften your values, forgive the seemingly unforgivable.

From my perspective - 58+ years together - my sense is that I didn't do any of these things. I know people aren't perfect, and I always knew I didn't control my W. I showed mercy toward her for sure, but that was my free choice. I didn't change the values I live by. I forgave my W, not the act of conducting an A. I was taught, in my early days on SI, that one can R without forgiving, and I still believe that.

But that's the rub - I can't stop thinking about what she did, and I know I never will be able to stop. It's not in my character to stop thinking about it.

Well, you can't stop thinking about something unless you believe you can stop thinking about it.

You're human, so you can stop thinking about just about anything. What part of being betrayed stays in your mind? What doe you get from remembering? What does remembering obstruct?

I have always been insecure, prone to jealousy, vulnerable. It is a wound so deep that it will never heal.

That's your belief about yourself. It's your self-talk. If you do the work, you'll stay vulnerable, but you'll leave the jealousy, insecurity behind, and you'll get a lot more out of life. BTDT. I know change is difficult, but it's likely to have a big, pleasant payoff. Don't stifle yourself.

*****

I think you describe the R experience/work/challenges very well. Thank you for sharing.

I hope the future brings happiness and contentment to you. I know you're not where you want to be now, but there's a lot of reason to expect a life that gets better.

I have accepted the fact that my life will not match the hopes or dreams that I have had for it…

I obsess over a desire to change the past

Here’s how I read what you wrote…you want a future that has a different past than the one it is actually going to have.

You want a particular life story to have been written by some point in the future. Your happiness in the future will be dictated by the life story written by that point, I.e. by the past. Not the present moment in that future…but by the past leading up to that future present moment.

When you really peel the onion on it, does that even make sense?

Your fundamental stuckness comes from living in the past. And living in the future. Rather than in the moment. Something we all do.

There are solutions…

Sending strength, CBM

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 6:40 PM, Friday, May 3rd]

I’m new here, just going to ask a few questions but I certainly don’t intend any criticism or condemnation.

What is it that drives a desire for reconciliation in your case - or perhaps in any case? You’re now 15+ years out and still suffering it seems. Is it fear? Fear that if you risk going your own way you’ll never find someone new / fear of being alone? You mentioned that everything is less than. You’re lowering the bar, accepting less, softening your values etc. Is this how you want to live? Compromising our values is a betrayal of ourselves. Why reconcile?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t reconcile, I just read how miserable people remain and wonder why. Forgiveness doesn’t have to equal reconciliation. I think we should all come to a place of forgiveness in our lives, but that doesn’t mean we need to subject each other to abuse or denigration or whatever ‘less than’ is for each of us.

Empathy is the most powerful force in life I think, even stronger than love perhaps. But even empathy does not demand reconciliation.

I just read so much pain in your post, and maybe that’s my own projection which it certainly could be. I just wonder why. What in reconciliation tips the scales that makes tolerating all the bar lowering, accepting less than you deserve and degrading your own values worth it? There is another woman out there you could love, I guarantee. You would still have your children. Is it that you’re at a point of "good enough?" If so that’s your decision and I respect it. We are all our own captains in life, we choose our own course. I am not criticizing yours, just wondering what the impetus was for you to travel this path.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck and hope for the best for you and your family.

PS I am not some paragon of good choices. I did everything wrong in the past, rug-swept, pick-me dance, and she still left. Then I rug-swept my emotions for years until it came out inadvertently when I sought out therapy for other issues. IC and learning to deal with these emotions left me looking for answers years later and I’m starting to form an understanding. I say this to point out that I am in no position to judge "right or wrong." This is just part of my process in learning to heal years later. Thanks!

Oh this hits me HARD.

I’m at 6 years (and almost 4 months) from DDay#2, the real DDay. I can echo each of your sentiments perfectly in my own life. It doesn’t take much these days to send me into a spiral.

I truly don’t think I will ever fully heal. I just don’t. It’s not the way I’m wired. I also say like you do I wish I could erase the memory of it. There has been absolutely no rug sweeping in this R. I’m been raw, visceral, hateful, honest and vulnerable. There’s nothing I haven’t said. There are things I will never know and because I chose not to know then back in the early months I cannot learn them now (like the opportunity to see the texts, looking up her house on Google Earth, etc) things I don’t NEED to know but things my brain keeps telling me I should know.

I have good days, I have bad days and I have AWFUL days. I do feel the pain lessening but the process is slow.

I told my H that I might never be healed can he deal with that? He said absolutely yes. What if he tires of this version of me?

All I want to say is you are heard, you are not alone and your feelings are absolutely valid.

I just don't understand why a BS would stay married to a cheating WS. Just doesn't make sense to me to live in misery and stay married to someone who betrayed you. If you had left her, all you stated would be in the past. She is a constant reminder of the betrayal she committed towards you. I hope you find peace sometime in your life.

Why are you in here Atomic Mess? That’s a really, really unhelpful and cruel post. If you aren’t in reconciliation then don’t post in this forum!!!

Atomic Mess is a Wayward and doesn’t need to be posting in reconciliation forum. How do we contact an admin?

But that's the rub - I can't stop thinking about what she did, and I know I never will be able to stop. It's not in my character to stop thinking about it. I have always been insecure, prone to jealousy, vulnerable. It is a wound so deep that it will never heal.

Don't fight it, don't try to stop, accept it, nothing more. Work on that and self acceptance. It is a scar that will always be there. Accept that. Accept that 10 years from now you will still think about it.

But you don't have to let it dominate your life.

You also don't have to remain with the person who betrayed you, that is a choice, accept that as well. Make the best decision for you going forward, but learn acceptance above all else.

There is nothing left to be said about my wife's affair.

This is not true, not at 5 years, not at 20. If a thing still hurts, there is more to be said, such as "I still hurt".

Hey CBM, that was a beautiful piece of writing. It really got me.

I chose D, but had hoped for R. It was not to be forca variety of factors.

The point is, I'm 6ish years from my last Dday, and despite removing myself from my WW, I still trigger. Sure, it's not as bad as it was, but it doesn't go away, at least not yet. The fun thing is now I have shiny new triggers to work through.

My problem, is that I'm a man who lives in his head, and I suspect you are as well. I need to understand the world and how I fit into it. That part of my character or personality comes with a caveat, pain. I hold onto it, maybe too long.

I'm glad you recognize the cycle and know that this too will pass. Like a Buddhist monk told me, you are not your emotions. You simple experience them. Once they are done teaching you what you need to know, they will move on.

But damn, you're a good writer!

Atomic Mess is a Wayward and doesn’t need to be posting in reconciliation forum. How do we contact an admin?

Just a reminder - open a 'mod, please' thread.

Shouldn't be needed in this thread.

*****

Everyone,

Please read the guidelines. This is a forum for supporting R.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:25 PM, Wednesday, May 8th]

I struggled and still struggle with this from time to time. It's hard not to!

One book that helped me, and it's a short one, was called "Who Moved My Cheese"

It helped me with reframing my happiness.

CBM, I hear you too.

In some ways, my marriage seemed like it could be a fairy tale. We met when I moved to a new town when I was a senior in high school. We worked at the same grocery store, had classes in common. We became friends and then fell in love. Went to university, got married, started careers and a family. We traveled, we experienced awesome things, we grew to love the outdoors, dogs, kids, I took leadership positions in great organizations and she followed. It looked awesome from the outside. And it was. But she had a hole in her that could not be filled, and sometimes,to my surprise, she tried to fill it by stepping out of our marriage.

Now I could have decided those acts made all of that awesomeness null and void, a lie. Or I could try to understand the part of her that she hid from me and the world that allowed her to do awful things. Should I just kick her to the curb, and throw the rest out? I suppose I could. But I did not. As long as she would commit to doing what it took to fill that hole in her in constructive ways, and she did the work, I felt like she deserved another chance. As long as she was truly remorseful, and changed that part of her, I could have the wife I thought I had.

I am not happy that I carry the scars of her choices on my back. She alone is responsible for them. That pain comes up from time to time. 9 years out, they are not as bad, but they still exist. But like other scars I have, both seen and unseen, they represent who I am. Like other scars that changed the trajectory of my life, I live with them. I did not want them, but each helped me to get to where I am. It is not the life I dreamed of, but in the words of Robert Fulgum in "from Beginning to End",

May your dreams come true, and if they don't, may new dreams arise...

I can look back and lament on how it should have been. I should never have gotten cancer, I shouldn't have lost my job because of that merger, we shouldn't have lost that pregnancy. Or I can look back and see how each set back made me stronger. How healing the hole she had inside her, eventually made us stronger and her a better person. Even though she hurt me to the core, I was strong and stayed the course. For her, for my sons, and for me. And I am better because of it. Would I change having cancer, losing a baby, losing my great job? YES. Am I happy they happened? HELL NO. But I am stronger because they happened. I was tested, my marriage was tested, and I stood strong. I helped my fWW heal.

I will not look at myself like a victim. I won't.

[This message edited by woundedbear at 9:42 PM, Wednesday, May 8th]

I will not look at myself like a victim. I won't.

Amen

I feel incapable of being truly happy for as long as the memory of the affair exists.

You are going to have to get out of MY head! LOL!

Thank you for your post. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. That was a beautifully written post.

Wow - thanks for your post. I am 16 months out and am working on R, and your post spoke to me. So well written.

The point is, I'm 6ish years from my last Dday, and despite removing myself from my WW, I still trigger. Sure, it's not as bad as it was, but it doesn't go away, at least not yet.

JustSomeGuy - I appreciate you saying this. I have wondered this so many times....If I leave will the pain go away, will I stop triggering, will I stop obsessing over what WH did? I know myself and I've come to the conclusion that even if I left I will still never get over the pain.

I can't believe I missed this 10 days ago. I have been lurking for around eight years, and I paid very careful attention to your story, because it is so similar to mine. When I finally made an account, I adopted a screenname as an homage to you. I didn't think you would be back!!

Your ability to put into words feelings I could never articulate well really has helped me in my journey. However, like you, it is a puzzle without a solution. I have spent many nights obsessively pouring over this very forum, in a subconscious search for the one post that will change me back.

Anyways, I have always wanted to thank you for your posts.