SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel embarrassed that the thought is consuming me so much that I need to post here but....here I am.

There has always been this one woman. A single text from my husband to her. Thats has never ever settled with me since I saw it 8 years ago. This woman was a coworker (aren't they always) and back then there was not a single speck of trust issues. I never liked this woman. She always came off as trying to hard to suck up to me on the rare occasion I saw her and then bought our newborn a few things. It never really sat right with me. But like I said, trust issues didnt exist. I always said my husband could get stranded on a deserted island with th shooters girls and I would trust him (God to be that trusting again....). My STBX invited her and her husband and son to the party bc the son was our daughters age. They did not make the party. That day was a HORRIBLE day as my STBX ended up chasing my cousins husband around the party (literally running after him as he took his shirt off to try and fight him). He was corralled into our house by my cousin and friends husband and in there he said horrible things to both of them before he jumped in his car and sped off and I was left to apologize, say goodbye and clean up on my own. He eventually came home and for the first time in our relationship I remember feeling like I needed to check his phone. I saw where earlier in the day, OW had let My STBX know that they wouldn't be able to make it and hoped we had a great time (totally appropriate text) to which my STBX replies "it would have been better if you were here". I asked him about it and he said I was blowing it out of proportion and that he was just saying it to be nice and cordial. Back then I wasnt who I am now and I just took his word for it, and it just stuck with me ever since. Knowing what I know now with how he acts when hes cheating, I can see that her response and his behavior that day line up quite a bit. And that the guilt from all he had been doing (at least what I THINK he was doing) caught up with him and he acted out. It's pattern for him that I didnt know back then. Ive asked about this multiple times over the years, when we were in therapy etc and hes always denied anything with them. My gut has always told me there's more to it. Back then especially he was working 6 days a week. It was a large upscale furniture company that was like a big party most days. They had total and unrestricted access to each other. I didnt monitor him or check in on him bc I completely trusted him. They had the opportunity to go anywhere and the store was VERY large and they also had an even larger warehouse that would be easy to sneak away to. I know closure isn't something we usually get. But tonight as I was showering (and when I do my most destructive thinking it seems) I got hyper fixated on them and that situation. The mind movies took over and I wanted to text my STBX so bad and ask him about it again but I knew it was pointless bc hes never been honest, even when I thought we were in R after the first DDay 6 years ago. Would it be absolutely ridiculous to message her and ask her about them? We havent spoken in years. Back then she was in a horrible marriage (according to her) and I know that she had an A with my cousin, but now she seems happily settled and doesnt work at the store anymore. I thought that maybe I could reach out and see what she says? Im sure the answer will largely be NO but im so tired of all these questions and intuition and not having anyone around that has one ounce of self respect to at least give some type of honest answer after what they've done. She feels like the only one that may be honest with me bc she doesn't give a shit.

You are entering into a very dangerous and precarious situation.

You have no way to ensure that she will be honest.

She could twist things around and give you more pain and suffering.

Let’s play devils advocate. She responds to you and says "nothing happened". You don’t know if it’s true or not.

She could be a mean vindictive person and maybe there was an affair and your STBXH dumped her. She can then turn around and play you as a way of getting back at him via you.

And that is just more pain for you.

I have a very similar situation as yours. My H had a 4 year EA that he refused to admit to me. This was before texts and it was all in person. I knew it was going on but he had this attitude that no sex = no affair.

It finally ended and it was rug swept. Never brought up again. Fast forward 15 years later and he’s now having a midlife crisis affair and he’s planning to D me. The OW admitted to me that my H told her he cheated on me in the past with the first OW. She had very specific information so I knew she was being truthful.

That to me was worse than his current affair. He knew all along he was cheating but refused to admit it.

I now believe it was more than EA which again, he continues to deny. Said it was NEVER a physical affair.

In order to R I had to get past it. Other than this one point, he did everything possible to R after his second affair. He knows I believe it was a full blown affair and I am very very positive I am right.

Yes it irks me he isn’t honest. And yes it upsets him I don’t believe him. But I had to let it go. He’s been very trustworthy these past 11 years since his last affair.

For you, I say trust your gut. If you believe there was an affair, there was most likely an affair. And you don’t need anyone to validate that for you.

I hope this helps you. Trust your gut.

My gut has never been wrong. It's just so hard when you just want someone who was supposed to protect you and your marriage to be honest for once in their damn life. For years Ive said that I need to decide what I believe is true and move on from there. But I feel like thats been weaponized against me by my STBX. It's an easy out for him "Well if thats what YOU think is true then YOU have to decide if YOU can move past it". It clears him of any responsibility of maning up and saying what hes denied all along. He was and still is I think very much like your ex, 1st. There was nothing physical so there was no wrong doing. So many people have also said "Well it never was physical, right?". It's the only "grace" he has in this situation is that he and so many other seem to think that since there wasnt anything physical, there was no cheating. I cant imagine he would ever admit to it just because its kept him out of that view of a cheater for a lot of people.

Honestly I think you are giving your STBX too much headspace. We will never know everything they did. My xWS is a serial cheater and I'm sure there are more skeletons that I don't know about. If I were you I would just assume they did have an A. Your intuition is probably correct, but it really doesn't matter either way you are divorcing your STBX. Try to stop carrying that load around, it's not for you to carry anymore. What will you get out of knowing anyways?

For you, I say trust your gut. If you believe there was an affair, there was most likely an affair. And you don’t need anyone to validate that for you.

^^^Exactly

Try to practice redirecting your thoughts every time they go to these lengths. The more you do it the less the thoughts will come at you. Banish them into irrelevance.

One day you will get to a point where it doesn't matter what or who or how many there were. Your STBX is still and will always be the same crappy person he always was. These AP's were just part of the collateral damage along with everyone else.

Start focusing on YOU and what will make you happy going forward. Detach from any thoughts concerning your STBX and his AP's they should be non-existent as they are not a part of your new life.

I was actually surprised at how I had such a reaction to the thought to be honest. I have felt pretty secure with where I am lately. I haven't been worried about what hes doing or who hes with etc. I just didnt care. But for whatever reason this just came at me last night and I couldnt get away from it. I know it gets easier. 18 years is a long time to try and move on from. Its like this intrusive thought where if I dont completely think it, then I cant get away from it, Does that make sense?

Its like this intrusive thought where if I dont completely think it, then I cant get away from it, Does that make sense?

Oh absolutely I hate the intrusive thoughts. I completely understand I just don't think it's a good idea to reach out to this particular AP. Your instinct is probably correct. There were so many suspect women throughout my history with the EX I just assume now he was probably cheating with all of them.

Eventually the thoughts will go away or if they come it will be attached to your icky ex at least that's how it is for me. It is very difficult to move on from a long M. I was in mine 19 years and we were together a total of 25. Years just wasted on someone who never deserved the loyalty, love or compassion as none was given to me. I am so very thankful for my children as they are the only blessing I received from that M.

I do hope these thoughts start to come with less emotion for you. They will eventually it's not easy though. I completely understand where you are at and wish you nothing but peace of mind.

You know as I'm thinking about this. Our minds have to process and store everything it's probably what it's doing. Once you have thought about it and processed it it probably won't carry as much weight.

I found out about my ws’ affair 3 months ago, but it happened over 12 years ago. It was with a colleague while they were living and working in another country, on a compound. My ws has tried to tell me all the details of what happened but I feel that I don’t have all the facts and I’m not sure I can trust anything he has told me. For a few weeks I started obsessing about the idea that I had to reach out to his ap and ask her to give me answers. I knew how crazy the idea was, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I did end up looking up her email address and sending her a message 2 weeks ago. Now I’m obsessed with my inbox, checking it compulsively. I 100% know this is unhealthy and that I’m making things harder for myself. She hasn’t responded, I don’t think she will at this point. I might not even have the right email address for her.

CBS that makes sense and it really does feel like once I did process it, it hasn't felt as heavy today. I used to get really bad intrusive thoughts when I was younger, to the point where I was afraid to handle knives or bleach, but once I stopped trying to avoid it, and took the thoughts on head first, I found they usually went away. And maybe thats what this is. Thinking about the possible AP, thinking about what I would say, what I would ask her...hell I even played out how she might answer me...it feels like I processed it in my own way. Maybe I gave myself closure?
Leila, I get that. I think all of us have been there. Needing to know every single detail and still feeling like it's not enough. It gets better as time goes on. You do begin to come to terms with what you believe to be true and if thats what your spouse is telling you. Im only a few weeks into my most recent discovery so it's like the clock has been set back and any progress I had with any of the affairs has started over. Ive spoke to APs in the past. Ive texted them and we didnt get beyond "nothing physical happened". They would always say they would call me to have a deeper discussion but it never happened. Most of them seem to be too afraid to face the spouse and hear the pain in our voices, they are afraid of what we may say, or some just dont give a shit about us. I generally dont hold much over the APs. Do I think it's shitty behavior? Yeah. But was my marriage their responsibility? No. My spouse was giving signals that he was open and available. The women he attracted are "low hanging fruit". The are easy and desperate. No matter how they may look to us, we may feel they are prettier, more successful, have more money etc. but at the end of the day they are nothing but empty, pathetic women.