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You know it’s hard when you’re trying to be this strong kick arse woman to admit you’re just plain scared.

Scared you’ll be hurt all over again, scared you are giving a second chance to someone who maybe just does not deserve it, scared you’ve made the wrong decision, scared to be vulnerable and let that person (who was meant to love you but smashed your heart into pieces) be the one you confide in and let hold you.

This is me - I’m just so scared. I find a new reason every week to make both our lives uncomfortable. This week is ‘I don’t want to have an orgasm with him as ‘she’ had one 🤦🏽‍♀️. I don’t want us to forget, I want him to hurt, I don’t want him to think he got away with this.

BUT I have to remember I am giving this gift of a second chance because I do love him (not just because of money and the kids), I know that what he did is one of the worst things he could ever do BUT he is doing all the work. He is remorseful, he has told me everything, he never loses his patience about any of it. He is trying to the best of his ability to change the shitty behaviours he did before the A, he is digging deep and learning about himself - the good, bad and the ugly.

I don’t want to be scared any more. I want to move forward with confidence albeit with caution and no naivety.

I don’t want to be scared any more. I want to move forward with confidence albeit with caution and no naivety.

This is a good epiphany.

I did some counseling around just this thing--trying to sort out irrational fear and anxiety from good sense and caution.

This work that you can do for yourself is really helpful.

For me, that work doesn't mean I have to stay or go (from the marriage), but it did free me from more of the anxiety and irrational fear (as opposed to the very rational caution).

One of the most scared snippets of my life I can remember was the drive home from the hospital after my first child was born. I remember being absolutely terrified someone would hit our car of something would somehow injure this precious little baby. I guess because I just loved him so much more than I had ever loved anything. I don’t think you can really love without being scared.

So maybe its a good sign you’re scared?

I’m scared too. Scared to trust. Scared to be hurt again. Scared to be as scared as I was the day I found that first text. Scared of ever losing so much so quickly ever again.

I hear you about finding ways to make your lives uncomfortable. I blow it up too at times because I don’t want to be alone with my fears. I see how it has worn my husband down.

I do think the scared feeling has become less over time. Has it for you? Last week at work I checked his location. When he adjusts his wifi sometimes it will pop him into a weird location. In this case a park. In the past cortisol would have coursed through my body before I even had a chance to call him and find him happily sitting at his office desk, fixing the wifi on the phone with me and it popping back into place.

I am hoping its going to keep getting better with time.

Anyway, I’m sorry you have to deal with the fear. I know how hard it is. You are a badass to be able to do things that you know will cause fear. You could run way. Or never love again. But instead you are being brave. A good role model for everyone.

I don’t want to be scared any more. I want to move forward with confidence albeit with caution and no naivety.

For me, that work doesn't mean I have to stay or go (from the marriage), but it did free me from more of the anxiety and irrational fear (as opposed to the very rational caution).

You are a badass to be able to do things that you know will cause fear. You could run way. Or never love again. But instead you are being brave. A good role model for everyone.

THIS is why I LOVE this place !!!

Webbit...your feelings are perfectly NORMAL for where you are in your recovery right now. I wish I could make those scared feelings go away for you...but honestly...you are doing EXACTLY what you need to do to combat it .

One thing that helped me was when I read that our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS. You seem to be doing really well in this...so keep up what you are doing ! When your thoughts start to bring you to those irrationally scared feelings...move them to the more positive thoughts that are tangible...like you are seeing in his actions. This will help to evoke positive feelings .

As someone who has been through some of these myself...I can write what helped ME:

Scared you’ll be hurt all over again...I made a "Plan B". I got a checking account in my name only with enough money to live off of in case I needed to leave quickly. I got a newer vehicle in my name only. I got a credit card in my name only. Once I had a PLAN to be able to LEAVE in case my H did this to me again...I was able to relax and focus on what I could do in order to be able to STAY At this point...I knew I had a CHOICE. That was a very freeing position!

scared you are giving a second chance to someone who maybe just does not deserve it...this one was a no brainer for me because I already knew my H did NOT deserve a second chance. EVERY A is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. What I COULD do though...was give my H MERCY . It was up to HIM to decide to be grateful or to take it for granted. What he did with my mercy would be very telling. He was EXTREMELY grateful! After a little while we decided on a new deal...and we are very happily ENJOYING our Mv2.0 as we like to call it .

scared you’ve made the wrong decision...I heard a quote from Maya Angelou once..."I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." There are no right or wrong decisions Dear Lady...just decisions we make because of what we KNOW at the time . If we could all look into the future...we could all make PERFECT decisions! But for now...you are doing just fine .

scared to be vulnerable and let that person (who was meant to love you but smashed your heart into pieces) be the one you confide in and let hold you...this one is a HARD one (((HUGS))). It was probably about 5 years into R before I could be completely vulnerable with my H. I didn't want to be in an M without this though...so I either had to D my H and try with someone else...or R with him and try with him. I CHOSE HIM . I knew that I could always change my mind...but until I did...I was going to at least TRY.

The thing is...there is NOTHING that is guaranteed. I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that I am going to LIVE it with all LOVE that I can...because that is what brings me PEACE...and that brings me HAPPINESS . As we say here in Cajun Country...NEAUX FEAR !!!

You are just starting out...and it IS scary (((HUGS))). Your body is TENSE...your nerves are still RAW...you may even still be having the SHAKES. Oh gosh...I HATED that when my body just started trembling like that !! But you WILL get better...I PROMISE you that . Every day will get a little better...and then a whole year will have passed and you will see that you actually SURVIVED every day!! You ARE that strong kick arse woman...just by reaching out like this !! That's pretty cool if you ask me !! One day at a time...one hour at a time...heck...one minute at a time Dear Lady...but ONE DAY...you won't be scared anymore . Then it will be your turn to SHINE !!!

I don’t want to be scared any more. I want to move forward with confidence albeit with caution and no naivety.

Me too some days Webbit. Me too.

But look at you on SI badassing your way through this topic. Look at you owning yourself and your feelings. Look at you babystepping yourself to higher ground.

It has been 7 years since DDay 1, 8 years since DDays 2/3 and 3 years since we had to send a Cease and Desist.
So while things are good in the Land of Chaos - some days I still feel like a blonde, sparkly puddle of goo. And have to remind myself I am the BASGU (bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn) that is Chaos!

It OK to feel this way. It not OK to unpack and live in that feeling.

What I do - I put on my prettiest sparkly undies and favorite lipgloss even if I'm just doing laundry and scrubbing toilets. I make sure I do kind things for me. Taking myself on a coffee date is always good for a mind cleanse.

It took a long time to come to the realization and understanding that the bad is everywhere. The only thing I can control in life is my own response.

One of the things I have learned through my experiences is to work on my confidence in my self. I am my own security.

It’s cliche to say this but it’s so true- you have made it through your worst days and you are still here. Still standing. Getting stronger. Start thinking every day about what you need. It can be small. I need time outdoors every day even if it’s just 15 minutes with my feet on the earth and the sun on my skin. That probably sounds so unrelated to what you are experiencing. There were days that I would just prioritize being conscious of my breathing or making myself a special treat. Prioritize doing something that makes your day brighter every day. Mindfulness over being present is a muscle that you need to build back.

I took walks (and then runs because it burned my anxiety off better), I took a long bath and tried to keep reminding myself to be present in my body. The more you keep trying to be in the moment and doing loving things for yourself the more you will see it changes you. A gratitude practice was huge for me- it rewires our brains.

What does this have to do with anything? It teaches you to prioritize your happiness, and love is an action. We spend our time giving our actions to other people, which is great and feels good, but by filling our cup we learn that we will be okay no matter what because we will see to it. You start to trust yourself and rely on yourself.

I am not saying don’t work on your marriage or that you won’t eventually see him as part of that as well - bit these are the routines of healing. Keep thinking of the next thing you are going to do for yourself that will allow you to relax into the moment.

I totally get you don’t want to move on or forget right now. Totally normal and actually healthy. But don’t take it out on yourself. If you don’t want to have an orgasm with him right now, it’s fine. Don’t have sex even if you don’t feel like it. Ask for a back rub instead. Do what you need fully without regard of him. Not permanently, but for now so you can breathe. If you had a physical illness, you would slow down and take care of yourself so you could heal that. Same goes for this, slow down and do what you need, honor yourself, and let go of being obligated to worry over him for a while. You can tell him that’s what you are doing, in fact if he is trying hard and gets what he has done he will honor that and maybe even add to it.

Be good to yourself because that is how you will heal. Not by trying to force or pressure yourself to feel or do or be a certain way.

Thank you everyone. I’m so glad I posted this. All your comments and advice has been appreciated immensely.

Breaking Bad - I love the word epiphany but yes I think I really have had one.

I’m going to sit with these feelings for a while, I think realising and admitting I’m scared has done wonders for my thought processes.

And I agree with you all. I have been working on myself, for myself since D-Day. My views on a lot of things ie career, family life etc have changed for the better I believe.

I have an exit strategy now if anything goes pear shaped but I know I don’t want this marriage to end right now so I will continue working with my husband in creating a new better relationship for us.

I'll add that fear can come from lack of familiarity with a sitch, but we all can do difficult things even when we're scared. Remember that some fear is protective.

As a one-time frequent poster's tagline said, '"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne'

Not BTW, if you keep saddling up, you will probably find you feel scared less often and less intensely.

I don’t want to hurt anymore, I want to know I made the best decision I could.

But I have also reached a point in my life in which if he hurts me again, I know I will still have a good life without him and would live the next chapter of my life as an adventure, full of hope and grateful of the choices I have made and the genuine feelings I have always had.

I am so proud I never had a double life, i didn’t to hide or tell lies or omit things. I am proud of who I am and I will never have to look into my spouse’s eyes feeling guilty for what I have done.

And if I were the WS I would be so grateful of not being kicked out and to have found a GEM IN MY SPOUSE.

Webbit I feel your pain. I too don’t want to be scared all the time. And I don’t want to feel hurt all the time. Some days I feel good and others I don’t. And it’s hard to predict what kind of day I’m going to get. I guess I don’t have any advice for you, just that you’re not alone in your feelings.