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What are some specific examples did your wayward showed you they were working on themselves and implementing them into everyday life?

I have been not sleeping at all well this week and I woke up grumpy as all get out this morning. I was having a whinge and WH said to me ‘do you know why you’re having trouble sleeping? Are there things on your mind that are stopping you?’.
In the past he would just say briars statements like ‘your brain is always too busy’. The fact he is now asking and actually caring why is a way I am seeing change.

I love running, albeit at turtle pace 😂. I would normally go to events with friends or on my own. But this year he has come to most of my events plus even participated in one (he HATES running). And this week he is even giving up a soccer game to drive me to my next event (which I’m very anxious about as it’s a little out of my depth) and has organised a night with the family the night before.

The other night I asked him to say something about me that he didn’t like or would like me to change about myself. And he actually told me two things. I was amazed at this because one of his big issues is avoiding conflict at all costs, including telling me things that make him unhappy.

He stands with me every night while I cook dinner and we chat chat chat about our days, catch up in the kids, talk about news - it’s just so refreshing compared to when I’d cook dinner by myself while he watched TV.

I know these may not seem like big deals for some, and honestly this should have been happening all along. But I see these examples as huge improvements for us. 💚

The other day my WH had to pick up the kids but ended up having some time to kill. He kept phoning me to check in and let me know where he was and what he was doing. To the point that I finally said why do you keep phoning me?? Haha! He said because he didn't want me to worry or wonder where he was. That made me realize that he was trying to put himself in my shoes and anticipate the things that might trigger me and make me feel anxious.

Aside: I am going to take some time to think of some of the good things. In prior months I thought there were many but we have been in quite a rut the last two months with the AP reinserting herself in a way that has really set me back despite WS managing it basically appropriately.

Webbit: In terms of what you described your WS doing that sounds absolutely great! The fact that he was curious and concerned about what might be on your mind & interfering with your sleep. That sounds awesome and I am very happy for you. The other communication and attunement to your events also sounds really nice.

TealCHicken: I like that thoughtfulness and anticipation of your worries. It is sweet and the kind of thing that I think really helps.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 12:33 AM, Friday, July 26th]

It’s funny how something so seemingly small like chatting while making dinner can be turned into something very special and noteworthy. It appears your H is doing some wonderful things to prove to you he’s on the right track to self improvement.

For me personally some of the things my WH has done/continues to do is help make supper every night and he is in charge of getting the dishes cleaned up and put away (far cry from him not even removing his own dirty plate from the table). He also has designated himself to helping our oldest with her nightly school work/reading activities after dinner (he never once bothered to help her or even listen to her read before). I was always always always left with the evening tasks (cooking supper, cleaning up after supper, helping with homework, bathtime/bedtime for both my kids) every single night because according to my WH it was "my job" because I stay at home 🙄 I can’t tell you how good it feels to finally have him realize that he completely took advantage of me doing all of this before and he wants to be apart of it now and sees the value in doing his part. Just like you said, these are things that he should have been doing this whole time because this is also his responsibility. Never in a million years did I ever see him changing from his old shit habits, this is actually a very drastic change for him and he’s been at it now since Dday.

He always messages me in the morning and tells me one thing he appreciates about me or some of the things I’m doing. When he reads his books he highlights things that he can relate to and shares them with me. He has also become very vulnerable and shares his feelings and tells me when things are bothering him … seriously I have never seen him talk about his feelings so openly or cry this much in my 15 years of knowing him.

Progress comes in small doses.

I really wish that the small things mattered to me but they don't really yet, they matter in the moment and then I go right back to waiting for the other shoe to drop or maybe it is that deep down I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. I seem to still be focused on the big things which he is doing very well at (no porn, stopping people pleasing, quitting his job and excelling at his new one)

One small thing that really sticks out happened a few days ago.
Our oldest daughter asked him to skateboard outside and he mentioned that all of us could go to the park and take the littles with us (2,3,7).
We all jumped in the car and drove down the street and the kids played on the playground while my H skateboarded with our oldest around the paths.
He came over and played with the littles and helped me since having three that young going different directions is chaotic.
He never used to want to take the kids anywhere in fear of them being to exhausting or fear of them crying in public and us having to deal with it, our 2 and 3 year old literally didn't go anywhere for a year besides family and church.

Just in the past 6 months they have been to quite a few restaurants, stores, parks, and play places, and they have been doing fantastic and now I feel so bad we didn't socialize them more.

All of that shows me that he is starting to care more about his children than he does himself and the comfort of having no stress.
Like I said, he always should have been this way so I know it will take time and his consistency for it to really click that he is changing and for me to be thankful. I don't shy away in telling him this either, all he says is "one day I hope that it matters to you."
I am just not there yet.

Webbit

I know these may not seem like big deals for some, and honestly this should have been happening all along. But I see these examples as huge improvements for us. 💚

I think those are great examples of how he isn't taking advantage of you anymore and really focusing on your interests and even trying to bond with you through them. I call that a win.

Webbit...this is such a blessing to hear!!! It really sounds like he now truly CONSIDERS you from a heart level. I pray your marriage only gets better from here and your healing continues. Great post