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Long story short, H had brief A over 20 years ago when we were talking potential divorce. We were both unhappy and he believed we were completely over and was waiting for the divorce paperwork to be delivered (even though we never contacted a divorce attorney). He sought comfort elsewhere then decided he wanted to fight for our marriage. Problem is, he kept this a secret for 20 years until the AP's spouse confronted him in front of me. We are in MC and I was in IC but my therapist didn't have much betrayal trauma experience. I am past the hating him stage. Although I love him I have shut off romantic feelings. I truly want to work through this as, logically, I know this happened a long time ago and we have built a good life. But he kept it from me for over 20 years and I resent him beyond words. I have also lost a lot of respect for him. Books I've read don't address this. Does anyone have any recommendations on books or podcasts that

address the lost respect and overcoming huge resentments? Any help will be appreciated.

[This message edited by Anze43 at 2:54 PM, Friday, August 16th]

There's a thread in the I can Relate forum called For Those Who Found Out Years Later. I hope that helps.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/

I don't have any experience in finding out years later, but I have heard many around SI say that you should count the time from when you found out, not when it occurred.

I'm sure some of them will be along shortly. In the meantime, hang in there!

Anze,
This may have happened 20 years ago, but in your head it JUST happened. Totally normal to now question everything between then and now. And of course trust is destroyed. And trust is a major piece of romantic feelings. How can you feel romantic when your system goes on how alert when they see him?

This is going to take YEARS to resolve fully. It gets better over time, but it does take a long time for you to process what has happened, come to understand that what you thought was true was not, and then to start to heal. And it will take that long for you to trust him, for your lizard brain to slowly slowly begin to not see him as untrustworthy. And that’s if he does the work to PROVE, consistently over that long period of time, that he has truly changed and is worthy of trust.

And frankly, you may never trust 100% again- but it is possible to trust enough for a good relationship.

Here’s the hard part. He HAS to do the work. Find out why he cheated, why he kept the lie, why he took your agency from you.
This is going to take some hard work on his end.

Meanwhile, take good care of yourself. And I do recommend a good betrayal specialist for you.

Keep reading- especially in the Just Found Out forum. This is new to you, and it is a BIG trauma. Treat yourself well.

I am one of the years later folks. I count myself as 2 years out (when I found out) as opposed to 9 years ago (when A occurred). The trauma feels just as extreme as if you walked in on him (but how can one compare). I knew a teensy amount 9 years ago (basically just that it seemed his secretary was hitting on him). But, at that time I was distracted by fighting to keep our family together because there was a "threat". If I had found out then I think I would have been focused on keeping our marriage together. I had little kids then and that would have been the focus.

When you find out years later there is no serious concern over trying to save your family, I think mostly you want to leave. You don’t have the drama of knowing you must watch out for your spouse continuing their A. You are just hit with the pure unmitigated horror of the A having occurred. But there your spouse is, sitting there like a completely normal person, because after all 20 years have elapsed (9 years). It is horrendous. You want to kill them and yet there they are, a person who seems to have been faithful for the 20 years following the betrayal. Who the hell is this person?

I am so so sorry. Please be kind to yourself and gentle with your feelings. Ask/demand what you need.

There is the added complexity that your spouse also thinks they are the good person they have been for the last 20 years in your case (9 years in my case). They don’t fully understand why you think they are a monster. Because after all they have not been for many years. You have to be mad at the “old them”, but who is that? When exactly did they switch over from the old them to the new them? And you want the original offender standing in front of you where you can hold them accountable.

There is a feeling that they "ran out the clock". The information was kept from you until a time where you could be made to feel unjustified in your anger. Friends and family, if you even tell them, will not understand why you are so disturbed by something so long ago. Also, as you said your H’s A was "brief" (same here), so that’s another reason you may feel your feelings are out of proportion. You will have to process this in a very individual way, be your own advocate. Even therapists will have trouble understanding what you are feeling.

Resentment. That becomes the bogeyman. Because even you will start feeling bad about being so angry about something so long ago. But if you keep your rage inside yourself, unexpressed, it will only breed resentment. You have your work cut out for you. Two years after going through something quite similar we are just crawling out. Barely, but it is looking like we may make it. But at any point in the last two years I would have said no way. Anger still surges now, but it is definitely more subdued. I can "ride the wave" and it passes. I have taken my H through hell and back to be sure he was truly remorseful after all the years of lying. I hope your H has not done what my H did and engaged in thousands of discussions over the 9 years about my suspicions and lied straight through every one. He has had a lot to atone for. I give him credit for the fact that he is still standing. If I were him I probably would have walked away.

This is an honest assessment of how challenging a problem this is. I hope you will not be disheartened, but it would be a lie to say this "finding out years later" thing is an easy thing to get through.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 3:04 AM, Saturday, August 17th]

Yeah, the resentment is beginning to kick in. I find myself screaming at him from the privacy of my car. It feels good to get it out.

42 yrs of deceit on his part made for a mess. In hindsight his lack of self-esteem and self hate formed the foundation of our M. Sad to say. He became very critical and self righteous. I wrote a list of his "blow up" events over the past 43 yrs. Sometimes things as silly as running out of ketchup and not having another bottle in the cupboard. Stupid shit.

I do see him differently now. I love him dearly, but it's definitely not the same. The pedestal has been removed. I have become a stronger woman. I no longer feel that I was the lucky one. He's damn lucky to have me and he tells me that every day. In a way the scales have become better balanced.

What keeps me from exploding on him is his continued work at our relationship. Since his confession I can honestly see a different man. I don't think the resentments will ever go away, but as long as he's trying I'll just go for a drive around the block!

My suggestion is to use this time of finding out to get couples counseling right now to prevent any resentment from building- because it will over time.

I had this situation, and I'm 20 years past that point and my resentment and distrust still hits me every day- a lot. I should have gotten help back then, but I didn't. I am getting help now, but my WW does not want to have anything to do with couples counseling, she just thinks its long over. (My story is complicated with 2 years of my WW basically living with the guy, sleeping in his bed every night, while she worked away from home.)

Take this opportunity that your WH is giving you by wanting to reconcile to get into counseling now. Again, I wish I did.