SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone else feel confused when it comes to reconciling and being married?

I’ve told hubby whilst I’m willing to give us a second chance (and we are doing ok) still being married is hard for me. In Aust you have to be separated for a year before you file for divorce and will nearly always end up in some court when you have kids together even if the split is amicable.

I wish I could divorce him while still being in a long term relationship, raising our kids. The fact he broke that part of the marriage vow makes our marriage null and void to me now. I’m hoping one day these feelings may change because I do like being married. I take marriage vows very seriously and really love my husband.

Thoughts? Anyone else feel/felt like this?

I completely relate to this. I don’t think everyone struggles with this but I certainly do. We are not legally separated but I told him aside from legally we are not married in my eyes. I do not wear a ring, no anniversary celebrations, and I spend half the month in a home we have in another state. So I kind of see it as partially separated. I am 2.5 years from first d day. I’ve put this in place the last six months. He has been unfaithful many times although I just found out on the first d day. He did a polygraph and he’s been doing everything right to be a good partner. Yet I still feel this way. this is his first "chance" per se but he’s defiled our marriage for years. I also have told him I am not committed to him yet. But that I would be totally honest if I wanted to see other people. I know this is probably not common advice, this is just what I feel I need to do for myself right now. I told him it may take me five years, ten years who knows. I’m giving him a chance to change and win me over if it’s possible. I can say honestly I don’t love him at this point. But I’m leaving room for that.
So this is to say I get what you are saying. But it’s also so difficult to actually separate if you have small children and limited funds. Our children are older but do not know about anything at this point. So long story to say I think your feelings are valid and understandable. This is a deep and wide emotional valley to travel.

There was a time. And for the longest time it was like Dread Pirate Roberts from Princess Bride. "Goodnight WH. Sleep Well, I'll most likely divorce you in the morning". Eventually that faded from a several times a day thought to an occasional one. But knowing it was an option gave me power.

With me - before I went to Divorce - I knew I had to look at myself in the mirror and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was the right answer and I did everything I could.

So I lived in Limbo for a long time. Eventually I got tired of Limbo and had to claw my way out. During that time I did a lot of self growth - some intentional and some just a natural byproduct of the clawing myself out.

When I finally emerged and started living for me again - I realized that [for now] WH and I were better as a couple. He could rise to the occasion of being my husband or not.

So far - he's risen to that occasion. IT took years. I think we are a good couple. I think we will have a happy and good future. I think our positives outweigh the negatives. And I know for certain his LTA had not one freaking thing to do with me. That makes me walk a little taller.

I also know - that should the God forbid happen - I'll be OK. And know beyond the shadow of a doubt I did everything I could.

And for the longest time it was like Dread Pirate Roberts from Princess Bride. "Goodnight WH. Sleep Well, I'll most likely divorce you in the morning".

Gotta say, that made me laugh.

Now, I chose to D, so take my point of view cautiously. I regret waiting 6 months post Dday to file for D,but that is only because my WW did not and continues to not have the raw material for R. She is not built for growth and I'm not built for forgiveness. We've been D for 2 years and S a total of 5.5-6.

If you have a truely remorseful WS who has the capacity to change and do the work, then I think giving R a shot is a solid option. That is, if as a BS, you have the capacity to forgive and stay in the M and not carry resentment and contempt forward. I am not a forgiving type when betrayed, and my WW recognized that her A was a deal-breaker right from the start. Fu NY, she knew that before the A and still went through it. It was an exit A until it was discovered, and the she realized it was all bullshit. Had we stayed, I would have never celebrated any anniversary again. Not only as a punishment, but as a recognition that to do so would be a lie.

Now, D is not some magic healing thing that solves all the pain. Both R and D one with their own unique types of pain. Like I said, I stayed for 6 months and like Prometheus, died every day. My EXWW was just incapable of empathy due to FOO issues or something in her noodle. So, no matter what, healing was never going to happen for us.

When I ended my M, I felt peace for the first time in years (2 ddays) but I also grieved. I've shed tears alone on many nights and felt deep despair often, but weirdly, there was always a sense of peace at the core. I read, journaled, dumped on my BFF and exercised. All helped,but it took time.

At 6 plus years, I am much better but still damaged. My BFF is concerned about getting back to the old me, but I think that version is dead. I have been altered at the core. I am still sad and even angry at what I have lost or had done to me, but I keep reminding myself that my M was a lie and my W was a mental construct I had projected onto her. My life now is authentic.

As it sits now, I am alone and really facing the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life, so D is no sunshine and rainbows. I'm trying to be content with that, but there are still regular moments of sadness and the occaisonal tears when I'm alone. I still sleep on my side of the bed and fill the other side with pillows so it feels less empty. But I no longer die every morning, so that's good. I'd love to be a better person and have a true R, but that wasn't for me. My sense of justice and honour are overdevloped.

I just wanted to chime in to shed a little light on the other side. Only you know what is best for you and you will get to that place in your own time. Hoping for good things for you....