SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi folks. Looking for advice and seeing if I'm too much here.

Ive left my wife. Multiple A's. She lied for 4 months during couples therapy duing this most recent and was still seeing the ap after d day. I still live in the same house as my ww. We're waiting for mediation to settle the marital home. We have 2 small girls. 4 and 7. I'm as cordial as I can be around my ww when the kids are around, but do not interact, talk or even look at my ww when they're not. I've cut her out of my life. Same with my MiL who, from what I've been told, knows what's happened. I do not support or talk with any of my ww's friends that support her infidelity. I can bairly look at my MiL knowing she's there for her daughter, and that my ww is still in a relationship with the op that's married with a teen.

I have 2 lil girls. 4 and 7. My MiL asked my 7y/o daughter to keep a secret. On a car ride back to our house she told my daughter that I look right through her (mil) like she's not there and that im ruining the relationship between them and their granddaughters. And that if any man does that to you, close the door on them and walk away.

Cool, I get she's upset with me. I understand she thinks I could do better for my kids. But who asks a 7y/o to keep a secret. My daughter was beside herself. She's now upset more and thinks she has 2 secrets to hold. I've insured my daughter there's nothing she can't tell me or her mom, and that if she doesn't want me to share that she told me with her grandma, then I won't. I shared I'm not upset by any of this. I've shared that shes not in trouble. I've shared she can tell her mom if she wants. I told her I want to be a safe space for her for any issue.

Am I wrong here? My 7y/o is holding a secret that her grandma told her not to share and is now terified she will find out. I won't tell cause I need to be a trusted safe space for my daughter.

I know the MiL is likely projecting. I did everything for my ww from pay for uni to her laundry for 21 years. For my MiL, any call or txt I'd jump to fix a computer to winter tires. I was the only one that connected the girls to their grandma for the majority of the time. I was the family party/gift planner. I did it all. MiL as well is a affair survivor who was physically abused as well. She's had a hard life. She's avoidant as her daughter.

Any thoughts on if I'm in the wrong here in any way would be lovely. I know I could do better. I just don't wish to associate with ppl that cam support unfaithful ppl. As her mom, I expect support but help. Holding some space for the fact her daughters still a homewrecker. I know if one of my daughters shared they had an affair I wouldn't shun them, but I'd try to help them and set a boundary that their affair stop or i can't be a part of supporting that. I think I'm expecting too much from the avoidant MiL.

Sorry if this is a rant. Honestly looking for ppl to tell me to set up for my kids and do better, but I think I'm OK in my approach to anyone that supports the affair that broke me and my kids family appart. No matter what my ww reasons for the affair are. They're no 100% my fault. I take responsibility for my portion of the marrage issues, but not the affair.

Your MIL was wrong to do this. Pure and simple. There's no excuse for it.

You handled this well, and that your daughter told you this speaks volumes about you as a father. Continue keeping your composure and make sure your daughter knows she can and should come to you with anything. She is watching and will remember how you behaved through this awful ordeal.

Take her to the park or the movie when you can just to ensure she has positive memories with you during this dark time.

As for your WW and MIL, don't change a thing. Be cordial, non-emotional and con-committal. Don't lift a finger for them unless absolutely necessary.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:12 AM, Sunday, August 18th]

Very sorry your MIL involved your young daughter and told her to keep a secret. You seem to have the right approach. Reassure your DD that you love her and she needn’t worry about MIL. Your DD may need counseling if your WW and MIL are going to involve her in adult matters. I believe being civil with your WW and in-laws is sufficient. Cordial seems a stretch but that’s just me. I agree with don’t engage with them or argue. But if your MIL continues to try and poison your DD I would set her straight. But you know moving forward you can’t control what your WW and her family say about you. You only control you. I would not say negative things about them to your children. Just focus on your relationship with the kids and be a good father. You will be happy you did. Good luck.

Your MIL was wrong to do this. Pure and simple. There's no excuse for it.

Spot on.

I taught my kids that secrets destroy families and people, not because of my wife's affair, but because what happened to my extended family while I was growing up.

My grandmother told me, because of what happened, when I was in my late 20's, that if anyone ever asked her to keep something quiet again she was going to tell everyone in the county!

Then, despite this, my wife's secret life almost destroyed our family.

Awwe man. I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree now does it. (And I was the dum-dum who in your last thread suggested you try talking to your STBX-MIL about WW's affair.) Your WW AND STBX-MIL are WAF! (WAF=Wayward as Fuck.)

Friend I don't know what to tell you except I am sorry you and your daughters have to go through this. It sounds that you are the one sane parent they--your daughters that is--have right now. You handled that perfectly.

Fun Update. Just for anyone curious how this played out and what the explanation was. Spoiler, I didn't buy it.

My WW reached out to my STBXMIL to ask what had happened. Funny thing i caught. When WW talked with my DD, WW shared that her mom had already told her what happened. So why my WW reached out again to my STBXMIL for the story a second time is a bit fishy.

Apparently my DD asked my MIL what was wrong and "she knew right away what she had shared was wrong". I feel like this is just someone that for years, made excuses for their bad behavior look like ownership of their errors. My MIL is famous for words not matching actions. She is also Avoidant as fuck!

My DD then said that she would talk to me about what her grandma had just shared. She shared that she hated the way i was looking through her and treating her, and that if any man did that to her, she should cut him out, close the door, walk away and never look back. My DD has no clue about the affair my WW is having, or the relationship she's currently in with her AP that is married with a teen. My MIL does though.

MIL told my daughter to not "bother me with it" and that "she didn't need to go do that". This confused my DD who is 7 y/o to the point it ate her up inside. When my DD told me about what had happened, she started to beg me not to tell her grandmother she had shared this secret. She then freaked cause she now had 2 secrets. All that was handled ok, and i didnt even tell my WW. I can hold my DD's secrets and be there for her.

In the end, after 5 min of staring at my WW across our dining room table, as she used the same face, tone and approach she did for our 21 years together, especially during her times of deceit during the affair recovery part, I said nothing. When she finished explain what her mother told her, I asked if she was done. She confirmed and I said Ok and stood up. She looked shocked. She asked if i had anything to add or say and I said "Nope, I'm good". She said "what, you sure?". I said yep, if you're done, im good then thanked her for playing tooth fairy (cause same 7 y/o lost her first tooth today) then left to my room.

I felt triggered cause it was the same shit she used to pull on me when I was upset to get me to share, only to educate me on how wrong I was. It was the same tone her unfaithful, physically abusive father used when he tried to wiggle his way out of being an asshat. And it was manipulative. She wanted a big reaction out of me rather to try and make me feel better for no reason but to serve her own feeling shitty, or to pin me with it and tell me I also have a roll to play because her mom doesn't like the way im being civil with her.

They also never once addressed the fact that the relationship advice given was inappropriate, or the fact she shit talked me personally wasn't ok. And they DID NOT ADDRESS HOW MY DAUGHTER RECIEVED THE CONVERSATION. only what the intent was, and the realization of the mistake. Ownership is a problem with this family.

I am extremely happy to be rid of them. I feel so bad for bringing my girls into a world where their family is like this. I just didn't see the signs before the SECOND affair. Love can be blind.

Anywho, I'm not paying it any more mind since I have no control over what others say or do, all I can control is my own actions and my relationship with my daughters. There is no need or use to confronting my WW or STBXMIL because after 21 years, I've learned what they are capable of and it will only be used against me or a waste of energy. I'm saving that for positive things with my girls.

I can not thank all that have chimed in enough for their support. Finding this now has been such a awesome thing. I wish I found it earlier! This should be in all therapist toolbox.

I'll be posting more soon in other threads as I have more questions that im struggling with and really really appreciate all that have helped! Happy Tuesday all!

Friend....I may have missed much in other posts, but the one thing I must advise.....TELL THE AP'S WIFE....as soon as you can. (If you have not that is).

As far as your precious kids, just always take the high road, one decision at a time. Often, this may feel like you are getting the shaft, but it WILL work out in the end.

Love them radically. Talk to them much. Do good. Comitt all to Him who can calm the storm with His word.🙏

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 6:49 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Take the girls out for ice cream and while they are eating it talk to them about secrets and lies. You can tell them when someone ask them to keep a secret what they’re doing is they asking little girls to tell lies. Tell them you will never lie to them and it will never make you mad if they always tell you the truth. Then put one on one knee and the same with the other. Then put your arms around them and tell them you love them more than stars in the sky. And give them many hugs every day. Your love is the bulwark against negatives like MIL’s remark and bolsters their self esteem. They need to know you have boundaries but the best kind of parenting is letting the strings out little by little as they grow up. If they never have to worry about your approval their lives will be infinitely better as adults.
I had a wonderful childhood and every day I am so thankful for it. Give it to your babies. Divorce does not mean the end of the world if they never are second place to anything or anyone.

I'm unclear on whether your WW knows that your MIL asked DD to keep a secret. If so, she needs to put her mother in check and tell her to never, ever do that again - that "we have advised our children to immediately tell us when an adult asks them to keep a secret." And that talking ill of you is off limits.

Please make sure that your DD knows that any adult asking her to keep secrets from her parents is bad, and that she should immediately tell you or her mother. And that she will never, ever get in trouble for that, and that you will not tolerate the adult giving her a hard time about it.

Good on ya for not letting your WW suck you in to her drama.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:53 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Excellent attitude! You’re correct! You can’t control others. You certainly can educate and warn your children as you have done. You set the example for handling an unfaithful partner. Keep working on your own healing. Stay no contact as best you can with your STBXWW and her family, and gray rock when contact is necessary.

I’m so impressed with the way you’ve handled this situation and how well you have kept yourself in check. It must have been SO triggering.
I have found it very hard to control my angry feelings to the way my in laws have handled finding out about my partner’s infidelity. It’s like you have to cope with one betrayal after another.
My parents divorced when I was very young. I appreciated so much that neither of them bad mouthed each other to me, family members rarely said anything negative about either of them either. But I remember an occasion where my grandmother spoke badly of my mother when I was older. I lost SO much respect for my grandmother. Children notice these things more than you know. You might not get the instant appreciation from your children now, but I can promise you, as older teens/adults, you will reap all the benefits of your iron will to retain the moral high ground. I agree with the other responses, your mother in law was absolutely in the wrong, you handled it brilliantly. What I don’t want to do is fan the flames of anger though, this won’t help you at all. Make sure you manage to vent on here or with safe friends, so the resentment doesn’t explode at the wrong moment.
Hang on in there and keep going as you are. I have a very good feeling that life will take a much better turn for you soon. I hope the house arrangements progress fast for you, it’s a high pressure environment to have to continue living together when you have realised it’s over.
I promise you, your children will respect you so much for staying strong, calm and steady. Good for you! 💪

I applaud you for not engaging in the STBXW’s drama.

She’s a bit slow in getting it, but she has lost all control and is now someone you see very differently.

You did a great job managing the situation. Your girls are very lucky to have you as a dad.

I would be having a one-on-one conversation with my mother-in-law informing her that she will not under any circumstances ever ask my daughter to keep a secret from me.

Who puts a 7-year-old in the middle of an affair like this? That was a very ignorant move by the mother-in-law. I know you cannot control what happens when your daughter is with her mom and grandma but I would do everything in my power to make sure my daughter understood that she could tell me anything and she will never be in trouble for doing so

I would also have a conversation with my wife telling her she needs to get her mother squared away in regards to what she can and cannot say to the kids