SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out that my husband of over 30 years has been seeing escorts. I found out 4 days ago. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. I know it sounds crazy but I know he loves me. He wants to reconcile and he's told me everything and laid it all out on the table. We have talked and talked and I suspect will talk some more. Our intimate relationship hasn't been good for quite a long time from my part and this is something I know if we are to remain together we will need to work on. That's so far down the line at the moment. The first day or two I was behaving really weirdly, almost giddy like nothing had happened then it hit.

I'm just a mess. Trying to eat and look after myself but feel when I'm on my own I spiral into negative thoughts. I'm better when he's here and we're talking. I have no one to talk to. Mainly as I'm so ashamed of what he's done and don't want to tell anyone. My parents are very old and sick. My closest friend who knows us both is away and I don't want to trouble her until she's back (if at all).

I may see a doc re. some medication to help me but will see. I've had to cancel work as I've become so stressed I can't focus. Part of me feels I should push through but now I've cancelled a day I know I can just focus on sleep and my thoughts.

I'm glad I've found this site. Helpful to have the information on how to deal with all the emotions and practicalities.

Welcome and of course I am sorry you had to find us. I don't have much time now but wanted to let you know you are not alone in this nightmare and you can get through it. Also please look at the healing library - there is a lot of helpful reading there.

I also wanted to let you know the crazy roller-coaster of emotions you are feeling is totally normal. As in TOTALLY normal. You have suffered a huge trauma. I could not believed how much my feeling waffled - from angry and hurt to sad, lonely, forgetful, high-strung - you name it. I had a HORRIBLE time working - like absolutely awful. Others have found working to be their salvation - their "safe place."

I would recommend telling someone IRL if you can - it's very hard to have no one nearby in person (I did not have anyone at all and it was so hard for me - see my username for confirmation). I would also recommend your WH goes to IC - there is nothing in your marriage that made him do this - nothing. He had CHOICES if he felt unfulfilled, unhappy, un-anything - and doing what he did was as active choice. He is going to need to figure out why he made that decision when so many others were available to him. And please, as humiliating as it was for me, please get STD tested - full panel.

I have to run - but please keep posting - ask questions, take whatever advice you want and leave the rest. Your feelings will likely change multiple times - it's okay and give yourself a break - you DID NOT CAUSE THIS.

Thankyou.

Hi Dinosaur68 and welcome to SI. The Healing Library is a great resource and has the list of acronyms we use. There are some posts that are pinned at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that are good reading. I would encourage you to read the ones about recovering before deciding on reconciliation, because you really need to recover.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. I found that mindfulness and meditation helped me refocus my thoughts so I could work. My concentration was shot after dday.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC, too. He needs to dig deep and work on becoming a safe partner. He needs to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and is a good blueprint for him to follow. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good resource.

MC (marriage counseling) is generally not recommended until you've both healed. MC is to work on the relationship. Your M didn't cheat - your WH did. If/When you decide you want to work on the relationship, then you can try MC. Sometimes the therapist will shift the blame to you. You didn't cause him to cheat - that decision is totally on him.

He wants to reconcile

R (reconciliation) is a gift you may offer him, but he doesn't get to decide. Please think about some boundaries and consequences to his actions if he doesn't follow through.

I know it sounds crazy but I know he loves me.

I have no doubt that he loves you. None. But I am going to assume that alone is not easing much of your pain. The reason it hurts so much is because he broke something special, that was only between the two of you. Now he has to find out why he told himself it was okay to do this.

As for reconciliation, my recommendation is to give yourself some time and grace. You haven't even processed what he has told you. If you are going to reconcile with him, you are going to need to see....and feel.... that he is making changes that will never allow this to happen again. Intimacy, or lack thereof, had ZERO to do with his choices. Character is what you do, and how you act when no one is looking. It is here where your husband needs to start digging.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

"there is nothing in your marriage that made him do this - nothing. He had CHOICES if he felt unfulfilled, unhappy, un-anything -"

First, new BSes almost always struggle. Bein betrayed is traumatic, and recovering from trauma is a big struggle.

From your name and post, I imagine you are in about the same stage of life I was in on my d-day.

It's nice that your H wants R, but 'nice' isn't any help at all. My reco is to start with what you want. Do you want him back? If so, what are your reasons? Loving him is one good reason but it's not enough.

He cheated because of some issue within himself, and R requires him to do the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner.

Think about your requirements for R. Mine included:

She had to commit to no more lies ever about anything.

She had to commit to transparency - keeping me informed of her activities, companions, and locations when she was out.

She had to commit to therapy to get help changing from cheater to good partner.

She had to commit to MC.

She had to commit to NC.

My W had to love me, desire me sexually, and commit to monogamy for the future.

Those were my requirements. You have to figure out yours, but the first 3 are pretty common. I strongly recommend making therapy with a good therapist a requirement, too, because I don't think many WSes can change themselves without good help.

I also suggest finding a good therapist for you, since you are so alone. We can do good good stuff, but being able to talk with someone and get feedback in real time can be very useful, too.

You write of shame. The shame is your H's, not yours. I know that concept may be hard to accept, but start working on it. You'll see this eventually.

Above all, have some faith in your own ability to heal, and be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:05 PM, Wednesday, August 21st]

I’ve been where you are now - my XWH also used escorts. It was a horrific shock.

4 days in - you’re still in shock. You will be for a while. That’s ok. See your doctor asap and get signed off work for a couple of weeks if you can (I was in my doctor’s office the morning after D-Day). Use that time to eat and sleep, and ideally to get into IC. If your doctor recommends meds, seriously consider taking them, at least in the short term.

I get the shame, I really do. There is no need to tell your old and sick parents right now if it’s too much for you. I didn’t tell mine for a very very long time, and by the time I did I was much clearer about what I wanted and that much stronger. In my mind my XWH had brought shame upon my family, and I needed to get very clear in my head that this was his shame, not mine. I worked on that for a long long time with my therapist.

I would recommend telling your friend though. It really really does help having someone you can talk to at random times when things get overwhelming.

And we’re here on this site too. Keep posting, and we’ll reply.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for your messages. Lots to think about and very helpful. I have made an appointment with a counsellor as a start and plan on seeing my doc about some meds. I'm self employed so can't get signed off without a significant income drop and actually have managed to work the past few days by using some of the mindfulness tools on this site. I actually think I'm better when I'm busy and my brain is focussed.

Thankfully I have next week off so that gives me a bit of space.

My folks were old and frail when my husband did his thing, and actually went to their graves without having to hear about it. Of course I would have "read them in" if he had continued, but it didn't turn out that way. There is no harm in waiting to tell them. But I did tell a friend, and am glad I did. The support was priceless.

What really helped the most was getting on anti-depressants, and getting angry about it all. And work did provide a good focal point.

My heart goes out to you.

Hi dinosaur,

I’m sorry to have to welcome you to this horrible club, but you’re in good company. I also found out that my husband was very involved with prostitutes. Spoiler alert: I divorced him. You are not alone. Please feel free to contact me directly if you want someone who understands to speak with. I will follow your posts as well, and give you any insight I can. Wishing you peace.

Just checking in with you OP. Glad to hear that your work is proving a useful distraction, for me it was having to keep going for the children, and that you’re getting sorted with a counsellor and doctor.

Remember, it’s his shame, not yours.

Same here. Escorts after being married 27ish years. Crazy making stuff, for sure. Sorry you have to join us.

I think some feel that escorts aren't as bad a situation as a real love affair. I can see why some might think that (I don't!). The fact that they were willing to throw everything away for a coin-operated toy is a crazy idea. You think they're stupid, you feel stupid for being with someone so stupid - it's a big stupid circle! However, this is not your fault.

I would really caution you that despite how much you may be talking, you probably haven't heard it all yet. :-) I don't think anyone admits to the true body count immediately, unfortunately.

Sorry for what you are going through. It truly is hell on earth in the early days.

I'm self employed so can't get signed off without a significant income drop

Been there and done that, and was the sole earner on D-Day. At the first, I was going to work, at a cognitive job, after having not slept much for three days.

If it helps, what I did was cut back a little, deliberately blocking out time, maybe 5-10%, just time sequestered from work, to give myself some breathing room, anything to allow a break, to walk, sleep, clear my head some. It helped some. While working I just focused on the immediate work at hand, pushing away the distractions. It was not easy, particularly at first, but after a month of effort it got easier to do. I kept that up for around a year. It gave me just enough respite, but barely. I took quite a financial hit at first.

It stood me in good stead when a client came in, revealed he had been having an affair with a married woman, who dumped him, and he was tearful and heartbroken....he looked a lot like my FWS's AP...who ironically, also was heartbroken and crying when my FWS wouldn't have sex with him any more and wanted him to stop coming around and spend more time with his wife instead.

Yeah, great fun, but I was able to keep my composure and do my fucking job like the solid faithful reliable BS I was!

First I am so sorry you are here :(

Married 25 years and pretty much same scenario. I found a text that he was seeing escorts last summer. Shocked and devastated. We are getting close to DDay anniversary.

My UH admitted all , nearly had a breakdown and immediately embraced therapy and healing. It’s been a bumpy year but I’m optimistic. Despite what others say - I got all the info on DDay. He knew I was not playing and he had nothing to loose by telling me

I couldn’t have made it without my support network of friends. They support the marriage. Love us both and have been all in to listen and checkin.

Pls get STD testing and for me Wellbutrin has helped

Trust will be really difficult to rebuild. Get into IC ….. ❤️

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 12:36 PM, Friday, August 23rd]