SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I thought it might be fun to share some things that our couples/marriage therapist gave as advice or did during counseling that just showed they had no clue about how to deal with affair recovery. Also feel free to share things your Wayward partner said that they got from their IC. If this has already been done, verry sorry for the copycat. Share if you like! I'll go first!

1 - Checking phones and having passwords doesn't create trust. It actually breaks it down more. (I found out my WW was still talking to her AP and took the relationship to a physical level after 4 months of not checking!)

2 - You trust her, right? you hear her say her continuing to work with her AP has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with her carrier, right? You hear her say that? Right?

3 - I think she's in love with the idea of him, not actually him (no regard to limerence, or the other addictions or self control issues I had shared)

Bonus ones - my WW liked to use the following that I'm pretty sure she got from her IC. "At one point trust just needs to be given, not earned" That was 2 weeks before I found out she was still in the affair.

WW also used to like to share that "affairs are a symptom of a sick marriage, not the cause" as her get out of jail free card. I now think it was her way of trying to make me leave the marriage so she didn't have too do it.

I wish I could share what sort of relationship and husband I was. It's taken me months to realize how much I was taken advantage of and for granted.

Also wanna flag I do not blame our couples therapy counselor. They had no control over my wife and were working with what they could from both of us. I just thought sharing some of the head shaking comments might be therapeutic for folks! At least mine are good for a laugh. If this breaks any rules, I'll happily remove.

Never, ever trust secondhand information from a Wayward about what their IC told them. Ever. EVER.

MC: Describe how the affair made you feel?

Me: (Insert all the things betrayeds feel. I don't trust him. I am not sure who he is. I don't understand how he could do this to me. I don't know how to fix any of it. etc)

MC: Welp, if that's how you feel I don't see how I can help you.

Me:

WTF, TheEnd?! That MC chose the wrong profession!

My MC was really great the first time around. We didn't know he specialized in sex addiction when we found him in the phone book, but it was helpful for affair recovery because infidelity goes hand-in-hand with SA. We saw him regularly for 2-3 years and credit him with helping to save our marriage.

We went back to see him about two years ago for a tune-up. He now lives 200 miles away and doesn't take insurance, so we invested a significant amount of time, money, and effort to see him. It took a couple of appointments for us to realize that he specializes in SA because he is one, and that he was likely back in his addiction.

He asked how our sex life was, which is a normal Q for an MC, I think, and I said something about how I had no desire because of the way that my H was acting at the time. MC asked me if I had a nickname for my private area, and wanted me to tell H that [Nickname] would be more accessible if his behavior changed. I said, "I'm not comfortable with this" and refused. And that was my first clue that something was amiss. In retrospect, I think he was being a voyeur of sorts, but we trusted him because of the way he had helped us before. At the second or third appointment, H and I agreed that something was hinky and we wouldn't be going back.

----

I went to see an IC several years ago who was filling out paperwork as she asked me questions. I spent several minutes talking about my sister's addiction and how that affected the family, and this bitch asked me a couple of minutes later, "So, do you have any siblings?" WTAF? I never went back.

I don’t know for sure if the counsellor we saw was wrong saying this. But their advice was that I shouldn’t tell anyone about my partner’s infidelities as it would make things more complicated/bring in too many opinions (I can understand this) and that it would be unfair to throw my partner under the bus. This was the bit I found very hard, I didn’t want to be vindictive or ‘throw them under the bus’ but because the therapist said this in front of him, my partner very much (understandably) agreed that no one should know. I can not explain the impact this had on my at such an early and vulnerable time. I have the kind of personality that gains a lot of comfort from sharing how I’m feeling with people. Not only had I found out his horrendous secret, I then felt like it was unloaded from his shoulders and put onto mine.
I had no intention of running around telling everyone, but I needed a friend to talk to. My family know me so well that I knew they would know something was wrong and ir would put a wedge between us. I have never felt so alone as I did at that time. I felt like I was sinking. At the next session I chatted to the therapist about how much I was struggling with her suggestion. She made me feel like I was a weak and odd person, an over sharer for needing to talk to someone. She said she and my husband were enough people to talk to.
I think what she got wrong maybe was the line between sensible advice and reality/personalities.
I ended up caving about a month in because my mum knew something was up and queried it, I folded. The guilt I felt. I then felt like I had to keep it a secret from my husband that I had talked. It just created so much extra stress and pressure that I couldn’t cope with.
I’ve lost all of my friends because I’ve alienated myself from them for fear of telling them what happened in a weak moment.
My grandfather used to say, ‘what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.’ It is so true. What a mess. Just heart breaking. I hate having a problem I can’t fix.
Sorry, that was a ramble. I imagine it is impossible to say the right thing as a therapist, it is such an emotive and traumatising time, words stick.

"I don’t know who to believe"

Ummm

Exwh was definitely cheating. I even had pictures….

I don’t know who to believe"

Ummm

Exwh was definitely cheating. I even had pictures….

😡😡😡

Wow some of these stories are so bad. Fortunately the counselor I saw during and after my H’s affair was aces. Straight shooter and avoided all of that "how does this make you feel" crap.

Isn’t it obvious how being a betrayed spouse makes us feel?

Along with getting rid of your "Nice Guy" tendencies, which you really really need to work on... But along with that, you need to learn that all consolers/therapists are not good. (Please read "No more mr nice guy")

In this case, your MC was actually horrible. In fact, not that it matters now, they are the typical MC and they are just the worst in these situations.

The things the MC said are simply silly and completely useless in the case of infidelity.

Most people fall into the trap of thinking they are not that bad, and it is not until later that they understand how bad they were.

Just something that you need to be aware of for the future...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 1:31 PM, Wednesday, August 21st]

I think my favorite is the MC that got in my face and told me I should have known what my WH was doing, and that it's my fault I was unaware that when I slept, went to work, or was otherwise away from him. If I had been more aware he wouldn't have cheated.

She didn't appreciate it when I asked her what her spouse was doing that exact instant.

My son was unfortunately a recent victim of infidelity. He went to a counselor and opened up about what had happened, and at first, he assumed she was taking notes on her iPad. Then he saw in the reflection of her eyeglasses that she was furniture shopping.

I was explaining to a new counsellor my FOO trauma. Didn’t even get through all of it and she said "I feel like I am not qualified for this level of issues I will pass you on to my Sr colleague". It was the first time in 30 years I had actually opened up to someone about it all at once most people only got tiny pieces.

Ironically when they let the Sr counsellor go with no notice (she got a full time position but had offered to give 4 months notice to transition her clients) they recommended I give this same counsellor a try. Or their new student…

My first therapist advised me not to confess. All my other experiences were positive.

I am not sure I agree with never take second hand information about therapy from the ws. I would say it depends on the situation and question everything. I am not a proponent of having therapy notes released to the spouse because a) it can inhibit the ws from truly getting help because they still want to hide and b) because what happens in therapy is dependent on what the ws tells them.

I feel like individual therapy should be for the person doing it. There are lots of bad MC’s, we honestly barely went to that, we benefitted enough from individual therapy that we were able to communicate and work through things without much intermediary oversight.

Your story is a nightmare. I am sorry you went though that.

And BSR- I would report her to her board/employers. That is beyond unprofessional. Sorry your son is experiencing this.

I am not sure I agree with never take second hand information about therapy from the ws.

Important clarification: Never believe secondhand information from someone who is still behaving in a wayward manner. Healing WSs who are owning their stuff are a completely different story.

Also, I agree that IC should be a private matter. I'm not saying that notes should be shared, just that one should season secondhand information with a grain of salt. People twist things, mishear, misunderstand, etc, and there are bad ICs out there, as evidenced in this thread.

MC for us was a disaster. At least on my end. The MC must have been an Ester Perel disciple. I heard the same things she preaches like "I know how you might not believe it, but you have an opportunity to have an even stronger marriage." " You should look at this as a growth opportunity " and she semi defended my EX by trying to get me to empathize that " she had to be in so much pain to do this, and now you have the possibility of moving forward with a much stronger partner. "

Maybe some of this might have felt better years out, but not within a few weeks from DDay. Since coming here I have changed my belief that a marriage has to be worse after an affair. I have seen many examples here, where marriages are stronger. The caveat is that most of these cases the marriage was in the crapper prior to the cheating. We had a good marriage so for me the only way was down and that was the case.

In the session my EX was very quiet but I could tell she was grasping this as a lifesaver. That blew up when I told the MC that they didn’t know WTF they were talking about and walked out. That was the end of that.

I was shocked that the MC gave very little credence that at I had the right to be angry.

"If I had been more aware he wouldn't have cheated."

I am so sorry this was said to you. Wow.

Imagine if it were true that we were responsible for the moral failings of others. What? We would need to be hyper vigilant to keep our spouses from committing crimes?

Soul sister, yes thank you. I agree.

My husband didn’t really ask about my therapy. He said he could tell if it was working and if things were going in the wrong direction so also perhaps I didn’t experience fall out around that.

WTL-

Your post made me pause. I normally would say yes, my marriage is stronger in an overall sense. There are things that are obviously not as good. (Like I wish we had made years of happy memories together that I took from us) But I think the stronger it’s more about more perception based on renewed appreciation and also giving myself room to have a life that is more interesting to me.

We were in the same marriage and one person thinks all was great, they were happy. Then the other might say it was a great marriage but I wish I had taken more time and resources for myself. I wish I had asked more for what I wanted.

I think for us, we definitely communicate more deeply and we both do more things that are important to us as individuals.

But pre-a we got along, had an active sex life, did most things together, and had similar sensibilities. We had never even had a major disagreement. We might have a stressful day and get curt, but honestly that was as bad as it got.

Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder, and I just think for you it wasn’t gonna come back. And that’s a completely valid response to an affair.

Oh man, where to even fucking begin…

First "counselor" we went to, his only credentials were having stayed at a Holiday Inn Express one time. He just talked at us for session after session. I eventually asked if we were supposed to be talking about the affair. He said "I don’t know", and then referred us to……

A total jackwagon. I looked up his credentials this time and he was very involved in Christian organizations (which for my background wasn’t SOOO bad but the details worried me). I had enough grounding here by that time to know the great lie of Unmet Needs, and I had an email exchange with him about that before we met, saying I would not tolerate an iota of blame for the affair being pointed at me. Within the first 15 minutes of the first session he was telling me that I was going to have to accept responsibility for about 30% of it. Stood up and walked out.

Next found a therapist that seemed to check better boxes: Gottman, Attachment Theory, Brené Brown. She was highly sympathetic to my wife, at one point validating a nonsensical answer to one of my questions about the affair as TRUTH. When I dared to challenge this, I was met with "it sounds like you are trying to tell me how to do my job".

I have lost SO much respect for the profession. I like my IC, but sort of wish he was a little more hard hitting. I don’t know, they just aren’t the all wise, impartial healers I think we all expect them to be.

Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder, and I just think for you it wasn’t gonna come back. And that’s a completely valid response to an affair.

Thanks for this😀 But to the point of the MC experience, for me I agreed to it as I was adamant that no one finds out about this. In hindsight very stupid. But what it did leave me with absolutely no one to confide in. Not my family, best friends from life, etc. I only went into the MC as I thought it might be a relief to talk about it. Again, hindsight, but IC would have been much better.

Like so many MC’s they are so hell bent on preserving the marriage they focus solely on that and not the pain of the betrayed. I didn’t get even the slightest room to vent. To be told my anger was not helpful was putting gasoline on the fire.

I hope the takeaway from my MC story is one that is repeated here often. Fix yourselves first. Then if that works fix the marriage.

I hope the takeaway from my MC story is one that is repeated here often. Fix yourselves first. Then if that works fix the marriage.

I agree. I think the reason we never did much MC is because we did the IC and when even one of you becomes self aware, it will improve on some level.

For those of you that followed my original thread, it's somewhere around page 45. MC1 said, "why did you tell (betrayed friend) that (wayward friend) is cheating on him?" "Because he deserves to know. It's my ethical duty." She didn't accept this as my motivation. This turned into a little fun round and round where I asked her if duty even exists and she refused to answer. I walked out and tried to call my lawyer but it went to voicemail.

Good times. Learning first hand that MC is likely more harm than good early on is really a treat.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:28 AM, Thursday, August 22nd]