SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ten years ago my husband seemed unhappy in our marriage and became distant. He’d stay up late on his computer but I didn’t think much of it. We were busy with jobs, kids, life. Later that summer we went on a cruise and seemed to reconnect. He seemed to return to normal. But early the following year he became distant again. Didn’t want to have sex. Seemed angry.

I discovered in July that he was in contact with a girl in Ukraine that he met on a dating website. (She is 30 years younger than him, about the age of our children.) That explained what he had been doing on his computer. They exchanged emails frequently and he FaceTimed with her before work. He was even planning to go see her for two weeks. He was planning to tell me he was at a sporting event in another state that he’s gone to in the past, but would actually be with her in Ukraine. He decided a few days after I found out to cancel the trip. (This was nine years ago.)

I saw an attorney for general information but didn’t pursue a divorce. We muddled through til about Christmastime and I realized he was still in contact with her and I called my attorney again. She couldn’t see me til after a trip we had planned with our kids, and I ended up canceling.
He continued to stay in touch with the Ukrainian girl and sent her money and gifts. A year after I first found out about her, I moved into the guest room because he refused to stop. My plan at that time was to save as much money as I could and then divorce him.

About a year after that I asked him if he was still in contact with her and he became very angry, insisting, "It’s over!" His anger actually scared me, enough that I never brought her up again. Which is probably what he wanted. But his over the top reaction made me feel like he was lying. But I never followed through with divorce. I had a low paying job and didn’t want our children to find out what was going on, even though they were older.

His behavior returned to normal. He seems to love me. We’ve gone on some nice trips. We get along well. But we never talked about "her" and it was never really resolved for me because of that.

He has followed the news of what’s going on in Ukraine closely. He talks about it often. But his friend is never mentioned.

I’ve recently discovered that he’s friends with her and her mother on Facebook. He’s liked photos as recently as four days ago. So now I’m assuming I’ve been a chump all these years and he never stopped contacting her. I feel sure he’s sending money. I also feel sure that, given the extraordinary situation in Ukraine that if I tell him I don’t approve that he’ll think I’m being "mean". How could I be against him helping someone in a war zone? But he has no business even knowing this girl, and if he wants to help Ukraine, there are organizations he can use to send money.

We’ve been married for forty years but he won’t add my name to his bank account. I have no access to it or to his phone. I have no way that I know of to find out the extent of his contact. At this point it isn’t even the girl so much as the lying.

I know I have to talk to him about it. I just can never muster the courage to do it. He has a very strong personality and is very intelligent. I’m very mild mannered and become flustered in any kind of confrontation.

I don’t even know what kind of advice I’m asking for. Maybe an outside perspective to see if this is the big deal I think it is or if I should let it go. I don’t want a divorce, I just want this person out of our lives. But if he’s still involved with her after all this time, and has hidden it so well, it seems unlikely that he’ll actually end it.

Very gently, why would he end it with her when he’s had an absolutely no consequences for this emotional fair? He’s been allowed to have his cake and eat it too .

So since he has no inclination to end it, what are you going to do? I think it’s time to go back to the lawyer and see if you can get a better picture of what a divorce might look like. Also take a look at what jobs you can get and if you can do better once you’ve got currently. as for his assets so he would have to divulge those accounts and you may need a forensic accountant to figure out how much he has wasted on this check in Ukraine .

You really have a choice to make. You can accept that he is going to remain in contact with this woman and is probably sending her money. But you would have to come to peace with that. Or Something has to change. If you filed for, well, then you would be getting yourself out of infidelity. And there’s a slight chance that he would actually end his affair. But after this many years, I wouldn’t bet money on that one.

i’m so sorry that he’s not been treating you well. You deserve better. And I think it’s going to be up to you to improve your situation.

Remember that you are the prize. And there’s nothing that you have done or could have done. This is all him and his weak character. Hang in there.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 3:01 AM, Thursday, August 22nd]

You really have a choice to make. You can accept that he is going to remain in contact with this woman and is probably sending her money. But you would have to come to peace with that. Or Something has to change. If you filed for [divorce], well, then you would be getting yourself out of infidelity. And there’s a slight chance that he would actually end his affair. But after this many years, I wouldn’t bet money on that one.

I agree with this completely. I also worry that he might blindside you by asking you for a divorce so that he can bring her here, and would then steamroll over you.

Can you afford to consult an attorney and keep it secret from him?

Contact with AP is an ongoing A. You are living under infidelity right now.

Though you may not be signatory to his financial accounts that does not mean that he gets to keep whatever he has in his name alone if you end up divorcing. Both of you will have to disclose all of your assets and liabilities. A judge may even grant you alimony depending upon the state you live in

If you do file and go through financial discovery you will probably learn how much he has sent to her.

I can understand the thought of filing for divorce being scary but to me I think that would be a lesser problem than living with the thought of constant infidelity

The power dynamic is keeping you in the dark, in a box, right where he wants you.

You need to get angry (easier said than done). He has no right to keep the financials from you, spend money how he sees fit, support another woman and have an emotional affair then basically tell you it's none of your business.

Your is wife. His partner. You are an adult human who has the absolute right to know about your finances and if you are in a three person marriage.

I'd start demanding bank statements and records. If he won't, I'd see a lawyer. Yeah, I'd threaten divorce because this isn't a marriage, you sound like a prisoner.

Hi Green and welcome to this club no one wants to have to join.

Maybe an outside perspective to see if this is the big deal I think it is or if I should let it go.

Quick answer - yes this is a big deal. The biggest of deals in the world of cheating IMO. It is the total and complete dismissal of your wants and needs AND absolute and complete disrespect of you and your needs and the boundaries of marriage and and and. What it shows is that your WS is indeed wayward, a continued liar, a rugsweeper, and that you cannot trust him going forward, with, well anything. If push comes to shove do you really know what your WS would do? Do you trust that he has not sent this woman a LOT of your retirement money for example (and you realize this "woman" maybe really is a guy named Raul somewhere in Bangalore BTW)? Do you know if he has overspent and is undermining your financial future (as you know he's undermining your emotional one)?

These are MASSIVE issues as where there is smoke, there is almost always fire. (and as an aside I did divorce my WH but we date now after years of lies and emotional torment - so I am not coming from a "bitter angry you must leave every cheater right now" perspective). But these kinds of lies - they are big, not just because they imply cheating, but because they undermine trust in wholly non-infidelity related matters (or they should - this behavior is rarely in a vacuum).

I don’t want a divorce, I just want this person out of our lives. But if he’s still involved with her after all this time, and has hidden it so well, it seems unlikely that he’ll actually end it.

I am now going to ask the big one (and it's not meant to have an answer but instead to provoke thought): Why would you WANT to stay married to someone who is apparently willing to undermine you emotionally and financially and get mad at you for caring? It's not worth it IMO to stay with someone like they unless they are willing to look inside themselves and make some serious changes. It can happen (I would have bet ever dime I would ever make in my life my WH was NOT capable of introspective change and I would have been wrong) - but protect yourself first and wait and see if you want. Go back to planning to leave, not because you will, but because you want to have the OPTION to be able to if you want.

You deserve better than this and once you get away from it for awhile you realize how much better you do deserve and how much nonsense you put up with already.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this Green44. It sounds like the original A was never addressed between you, but merely rugswept. I kinda get that the first time around, but whatever this is, it's been ongoing for quite some time.

I was struck by this:

About a year after that I asked him if he was still in contact with her and he became very angry, insisting, "It’s over!" His anger actually scared me, enough that I never brought her up again. Which is probably what he wanted. But his over the top reaction made me feel like he was lying.

Your WS is a classic deflector. Mine did exactly the same. When I look back, ten years later and 8 years post divorce, I can actually laugh at how outrageous this behavior is. You need to see it clearly, he is angry because he doesn't want to get caught and has the cahones to blame you for bringing it up. It's absurd.

You should see an attorney who specializes in D. See a few in your area based on friends recommendations. If you talk to them, they can't be used by your WS in the event of a D because it's a conflict of interest so it's a good idea to talk to the highest rated ones in your vicinity. Just because you're not on his bank accounts, does not mean he doesn't have to provide that information to the courts. He absolutely will. And if you're a low earner and he's a high one, in any long term marriage you should be awarded alimony. The sooner you start to arm yourself with the reality of what a D will look like for you, the more power you have. Knowledge is power.

I would also recommend IC for you. You have been enabling his bad behavior and it's time to dig deep why you are doing that. You deserve to be treated with respect. Everyone does! He is not doing that, and you're not stopping him.

Quite honestly, you really don't have to talk to him about any of this. You can get the wheels turning, get your ducks in a row and have him served. He's going to continue to DARVO you (google it) and there's really no point in discussing anything with someone with their head so far up their ass. Stop tolerating his terrible behavior. Your family and children should be informed of the basic facts including your intention to D. This is A BIG DEAL. He's at BEST, emotionally unfaithful. That is reason enough to jack this marriage in. At worst, he's planning on ditching you for this woman. Either way, it's not good enough. The person who you should be wanting out of your life is your husband. He's treating you terribly. No one wants to D. But I'd wager that if you look back you'd see evidence of your H having a long and chequered history of treating you, your feelings and well being with a disregard.