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Trigger Warning - Unsuccessful suicide attempt

I was on an overseas holiday for 2 weeks to visit my family. My partner doesn't really like travelling so I'd come to accept that it didn't have to stop me. We've been living together for 5 years, both previously married, adult children. He's estranged from his and every other family member except his granddaughter, I'm close with all of my family.

On my last night there before I was due to go to a farewell dinner with my aunty and her husband, a random message from a woman pops up in messenger asking what my relationship to my partner is because he's been pursuing her for the past TWO YEARS and telling her we were housemates, but she started to get suspicious. You know how suspicious women are - we do better work than the FBI.

I tell her we definitely aren't housemates, and I'd like to see these messages he's been sending her. So she sends me dozens and dozens of screenshots. A few of which he refers to me as a narcissist and that he loves her, wants a future with her, telling her absolute bull**** that is not true, even about himself. As her and I message back and forth she is absolutely livid that he's been lying to her as well. So I text him that this has happened and he can start packing his things. He flat out denies it. Wasn't him. He was hacked. I said wow this hacker knows a lot about you. Then it was 'she started sending me a bunch of texts and is acting like I was talking to her when I wasn't....' This in spite of the screenshots I'm sending him to debunk that. Then I have to get on a flight to come home. 24 hours to think and seethe.

The morning after I got home, he is still completely denying it. I tell him we have to discuss moving forward - such as him moving out and separating bank accounts etc. He still has to go. When he's not getting anywhere with me, he went around to my daughter's house. Her husband greeted him at the door and said he wasn't welcome there and can't come in, after what he has done. He stands there and asks 'what have I done?' He then comes back home and I see him go into the shed and come out with electrical cord/extension leads in his hand and a look of thunder on his face. He walks past me and goes out the front door, I see him put the cord in the car and drive off. I call the police, can't find my keys to follow him. By the time I get in my car he has disappeared and I don't know which direction he has gone in. I'm still on the phone to police and they tell me to go back home as they don't want to be chasing me around while I'm looking for him. So I go back home.

A while later the police come to the house and they have found him, somebody saw what he was doing and intervened, he's alive and being taken to hospital. He's been in ICU for the past few days, is now awake, but should be ok. This is 12 hours after I landed. That's the back story.

I am still moving forward with ending this relationship. It's really hard because a week ago I thought my life was one thing, and now it's this. Getting removalists in to pack his stuff up which can be stored in the garage until he finds somewhere else. It's heartbreak and having to do the next 'practical' thing and then pause for a bit to let the heart catch up. On top of being concerned about his wellbeing, but only phoning the hospital but not going in. Our relationship has been declining for a while, he has an opioid addiction and flat out denies it. He's good at denying things. I went to see his doctor about it a few months ago and that didn't achieve anything. Even when he's been in ICU this week, I find empty boxes stuffed everywhere.

I don't want to deal with that any more. Now there's the EA that's been going on for TWO YEARS. There's the trash talking about me. A whole bunch of health issues I've stood by him with. If he won't admit anything or take accountability or be honest, I don't see a way out of it. And even if he did, the trust is unlikely to return. Before the current EA, I innocently found messages between him and an ex when I unplugged his phone from the charger to I could connect my phone. I'm 59 soon and would rather live a peaceful life. I just feel really *hitty that I have to make these hard decisions while he's in hospital. But it's the consequences of his actions, right? He's a retired veteran, I still work full time so can support myself. He's just one of these people who makes accusations and when provided with proof to the contrary, won't look at it. It makes me crazy.

Thanks for reading. PB.

ETA - as I'm listed as his NOK, I get to speak to the hospital about him and while they were asking me questions to get some background on him, they let it slip that he has borderline personality disorder, which I did not know about. I knew he had PTSD, but not BPD. Probably explains a lot.

[This message edited by PinkBerry at 8:14 PM, Thursday, August 29th]

Welcome to SI, and I'm sorry that you're joining us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum as well as some with bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms that we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are threads for people whose WS (wayward spouse) has been in a LTA (long term affair) and another for EAs (Emotional Affairs).

I'm also sorry that he tried to commit suicide. You were right to call the police so he could get the mental health help that he needs.

You sound like you're ok, but you may want IC (individual counseling) to help you process through things. I had IC with a betrayal trauma specialist, and it was so helpful. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and I had to work through a lot of the abuse that he put me through. Life without him has been so peaceful. I've finally found contentment, and it means a lot to me. I was 55 when I caught him cheating. Like you, I didn't expect to be here.

Post as often as you need, even if it's to vent. In the D/S (Divorce/Separation) forum, there's a thread where you can post what you want to say to your WH (wayward husband) and remain NC (no contact). Feel free to vent there, too.

Thank you. I think I am connecting the dots and he may be a pathological liar.

I asked where he was and he said his mental health team who are monitoring him told him not to tell me. For his mental safety. I said the only person endangering you is you. How is me knowing where you are hurting your mental safety? What??

He told OW (I don’t like calling her that because she was told we weren’t together) I would physically abuse him and he was too weak after cancer treatment to defend himself. What???

When he got out of hospital a few days ago, a friend of his picked him up and brought him home, but waited out the front in his car. I had said to WH that I would leave his car keys in the letterbox as I didn’t wish to speak to him. He came inside anyway, we were talking for a bit and I told him he couldn’t stay here. He asked if he could get some things, I said yes. This was going back and forth for about 20 minutes and starting to escalate, so the friend waiting outside called him. WH says oh he’s just copping abuse and he can’t get his stuff. What???? So I went out front to the friend and said that’s not true. He couldn’t even look at me, like I’d done something wrong. I think WH has been telling lies. I’ve never met that guy before and he’s on my property, but getting the vibe he thinks I’m a POS.

I get a text from WH today where he says we all wanted him dead. Ummm I called the police and was driving around looking for him. Hardly something you’d do if you didn’t care.

So these are the dots I’m connecting. He’s rewriting history. I think he believes that history.

This is too much to unravel. No matter what I say or proof I show, it will never end. I need to completely disengage. Reasoning and explaining to him is like trying to fill a colander with water.

You need to get a VAR and keep it on anytime you are speak to him. He is accusing you of abuse and this can RUIN your life.
Communicate only via text or email (or through your lawyers).

He is dangerous and conniving and a liar. Protect yourself.

And so sorry. He’s not a good person - what a manipulator. Now you can see why the rest of his family is estranged.

Protect yourself.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You sound like you are on the right track with a good head on your shoulders. But it’s still traumatic for you. Please take care of you. Get into IC if you can preferably with someone trained in betrayal trauma. He seems quite unhinged from reality. Please take precautions to protect yourself. Carry a VAR or recording device when interacting with him. He is capable of creating a false charge against you. Protect yourself financially. Do not engage with him. He will only lie some more and try to hurt you. No contact equals no new hurts. Communicate only in writing on separation issues. If you must speak directly become a gray rock. Keep posting. You will receive good support.

If you can, do not speak in person ,or on the phone. Make him text or email. Get a protection order if possible. Evicting him might not be possible unless a judge deems him a danger to himself or others. Carry a VAR at all times. Install cameras. He sounds unhinged.

I am still moving forward with ending this relationship.

I want you to know and accept that this it totally your prerogative. You have no obligation to remain in this relationship to prevent him from harming himself, nor should you feel accountable for his failed attempt or any possible future attempt, nor for his mental health.

You can offer help if you feel so inclined. Seeing that the relationship is ending, that help could be in the form of talking to others that could offer more personal help, or getting him into therapy or whatever. It only needs to be at the level and to the extent you are comfortable with. I would avoid direct help (as in talking to him, driving to sessions etc) as much as possible.

You might want to consult with an attorney, but I encourage you to change the locks and/or add a deadbolt to your doors. There might be an issue if this is his legal abode, but I think that if there is a period of him not residing there you can quite safely change the locks and it all be legal.

Thank you, everyone.

I have been to the bank to shut our joint accounts. Next is updating payment details for different things to come out of the new account. He transferred all of the funds elsewhere (about $2K) including a miniscule balance of $1.19 (I kid you not) with the reference saying "no more". It stung at first, then I thought yeah...no more lying, no more cheating, no more gaslighting. If he thought that would push my buttons (it did) and text him, I didn't. I have learned that what has been happening is reactive abuse from me.

There are too many issues to address that will take years to unravel - complex PTSD, BPD, addiction, betrayal - I just can't summons the energy to address them for the next few years of my life, especially when he denies half of them.

I have been photographing all the stuff at the house, searching for receipts and taking pics. Just in case he comes back and everything is gone tomorrow. Unlikely, but that's how I treated it.

Going through this is so exhausting. I feel like I'm being forced to deal with things before I'm ready and just have to keep pushing on.

Next thing to do is make an appointment with a lawyer. I hope he's not going to be an ass, but I guess he's already shown me that he is.

You are going through things before you're ready, and that it's unfortunate. Hang in there, you'll get through this. Be sure to practice self-care. Even though you need to quickly do some stuff, so something for you. Get a pedicure, go see a movie, go to your favorite restaurant, whatever helps you out.

Life on the other side can be wonderful.

Just in case he comes back and everything is gone tomorrow.

The advice to change the locks and throw the WS stuff out is a very common and popular suggestion on this site.
One that I have more-or-less ALWAYS warned against...
The reason being that as a police-officer I have personally escorted men out of houses that they threw their wives out of. The legal right to a legal adobe is extremely strong, and as a rule changing locks and all that can be considered domestic abuse.

However – in your instance I seriously suggest you look into changing the locks.
Seeing as its confirmable that a) you two are ending a relationship (as seen for example on the separation of accounts), b) he is residing elsewhere, c) his mental health history I seriously doubt any risk of you having to deal with any risk of legal repercussions.

If you have access to an attorney then ask if you can change the locks. You could even ask the local police-station, or phone a domestic-abuse helpline and ask (they don’t only deal with physically battered spouses...). Or maybe just go and do it... It’s a relatively simple DIY that takes half an hour.

To elaborate a bit: The key might to be seen as LIMITING access rather than refusing access. Like... you won’t refuse him access to the house as long as you and/or someone else is there.

IMO you should seek a restraining order if you feel you have grounds (sorry I skimmed this but felt the need to chime in on this issue). It will help with being able to legally keep him from entering the house and/or give you a basis on which to proceed if he breaks those rules.

Once you get away from this you will feel better - but I get the feeling you already know that. Be well and be safe.

Thank you, everyone.

I have been to get legal advice. Which is at the moment there is no immediate urgency to do anything. Rather than slamming him with a lawyer's letter and possibly aggravating him or pushing him - he is mentally unstable right now - to just sit tight for a little while. Waiting a little while will not change anything legally.

I can lawfully change the locks on the house.

Good to know, PinkBerry. Stay safe. What are you doing for your healing? Please practice self-care and make sure you get the support tutu need.

After WW3 via text on Saturday…..I get a text from him Sunday afternoon ‘How are you?’ I didn’t reply

Then he called, I didn’t answer.

How am I? HOW AM I??

I feel like my heart is on a piece of string dragging on the ground behind me, bouncing and banging in the dirt while I pack the next thing, empty the next drawer, place his trinkets in a box.

How am I? Arrghhhhh.

Hang in there, PinkBerry. It does get better.

Have you read up on the 180? It's to help you to emotionally detach. Please also look up grey rock. Don't respond to him unless it's to deal with your D. When you do need to talk, be like a grey rock. No emotion, don't let anything affect your emotions (happy or mad).

PB, it sounds like you are dealing with a sociopath. Read THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR. If he suffered head trauma it might have damaged the part of the brain that deals with morals.

Years ago I read a long article written by a woman whose very normal teenage sister had a wreck and literally became sociopathic. She lied constantly, stole her parents blind and there was nothing anyone could do because of her permanent brain damage. The writer could not help because her job was extensive overseas travel so she was seldom home.

This sounds like your SO.

I have told him that all future communication with me is go through my eldest daughter who is VERY smart and sensible and won't get sucked into his vortex of delusions.

Then I blocked him.

Not sure if it's helpful or harmful to our separation at this point, but I feel a bit relieved.

He was texting me long incoherent rants (because he doesn't do drugs, right? ) and a couple of times has bordered on blackmail, but he did it in writing, so I can use it later if needed.

This sucks. I have been doing a heap of reading and watching, and think what I'm witnessing is a narcissistic collapse. Not pretty.

In one of his rants that he sent me at 3.30am, he then re-sent an edited version several hours later. When I pointed out he had already sent that to me and was repeating himself, he denied it, laughing saying no he didn't, it was just me refusing to acknowledge it. IT'S THERE. HERE'S A SCREENSHOT FROM 3.30AM.

He is so delusional that it didn't occur to him that I had addressed some of the matters he raised in the 3.30am text, before he re-sent the edited version. I must be really psychic to address matters from a text before I've received it. Wow.

I have finally accepted that no amount of explaining or proof can penetrate a delusion.

ETA - yep he's a narcissist. 12 hours after I've blocked him, and he can't get any joy out of my daughter, he's trying to facetime chat OW from his email address (didn't know you could do that) - she didn't answer and blocked him, but let me know instead. Working hard to get his next supply. That's all I would have been too - he would have mucked up some previous relationship and circled back to me. He can't get anywhere with me this time, so he's circling back to her. His. Cover. Is. Blown.

Mods - are you ably to shift this thread over to divorce please?

[This message edited by PinkBerry at 5:43 AM, Wednesday, September 11th]

Sorry you're going through this. I found YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani that were very helpful. She works with people going through abuse by sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists.

There may be a chance he's hallucinating, so it's very tricky if he's truly mentally ill. There may be resources from the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill (NAMI) that may be helpful...but my vote is he has personality disorder and those are untreatable.

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks, leafields.

When he was in ICU, the hospital told me he had borderline personality disorder.

I'll check out those other suggestions, thanks.

Pink

To clarify (and possibly to concentrate your focus...): Is this a separation as in a period of time apart, or is this a separation as he goes his way, you go your way and never again do you meet?

All future communications...
Is there a need for future communications? Are there still some common interests that need to be attended to? Does he still have legal/legit reasons to communicate, interact or visit you?
Remove them all systematically. Don’t give him the option of harrying your daughter. Just remove each and every reason he might have to communicate.

Does he still have stuff in the house? Gather it together and ship it to a local storage facility. Pay 3 months rent, list him as the owner and ensure he has access. Just make sure he has no reason to come to the house. If you two are arguing over who get’s the dining room table... seriously consider either ditching it or depositing a reasonable half-value amount into his account (with the explanation "half the value of dining room table").

I am deeply concerned about your safety...
I’m a former cop, and what possibly impacted me the most as a young man from a loving and caring family was the persistence of domestic violence. I enterer everything ranging from dank motor-homes to marble mansions and dealt with men ranging from Bubba the gravedigger to doctors and professors who beat their spouses. You are giving your ex-partner a very cold-turkey type of treatment, and if he’s taking drugs, hallucinating and sending messages through the night... I worry – a genuine and valid worry – that once he realizes he’s not getting through this will move from electronic messages to in-your-face messages.
Once again: Change the locks and add a deadbolt. Considering that there is now a length of time for the separation AND you have his ranting all-time-of-day messages I can’t imagine a LEO or judge considering that as any form of breach on his rights to access his home. You aren’t "denying" him access, but rather controlling when he accesses his old residence.

I also suggest you have an emergency plan in place. As a cop I remember we had maybe 10-20 listings from women who could phone 911 and we would send a car over just to be there... That call would get priority over others (yet we didn’t drive there with sirens and lights) to ensure there was someone to hold back potential abuse. Doesn’t have to be the cops... Have a friend close by? Someone you share what’s going on so that if you call them at 2 in the morning you don’t have to explain anything – they just come over in 10 minutes.
Also... Have a safe-place. Like... IF he knocks at 2 in the morning you do NOTHING more than possibly talk to him through the door. If he starts breaking windows or kicking the door – have a plan in place: Call police, close and lock doors A and B that lead to the bedroom. Close and lock bedroom door. Go to bathroom and lock door... Basically buy what time you need before help arrives.

Yes – I know this sounds drastic, but if domestic abuse isn’t the biggest reason for serious injury and homicide then at least it ranks in the top three. Within that group, assault by former or separated partner losing control over the situation (like your ex...) is probably the top group.