SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

This is my first post on this site. Some backstory.
Last year, I caught my wife D sexting a coworker "T", and I confronted her and she broke down crying and apologized. She said she felt lonely in the marriage, but that is mostly due to her isolating herself from me and the kids, hiding in our room, etc. Despite my best efforts to be the primary parent and keep her out of her depression.

Earlier this year, she admitted to being attracted to another coworker "C", and that he said the same. I told her she should be careful flirting with a coworker because it will get out of hand fast. A few months later she had a workplace investigation for a workplace affair, and she said there was nothing to find and they came back clean. She asked for an open marriage (yeah, I know...), and I stupidly believed her when she told me I was her forever partner, the love of her life. We had a great sex life, did lots of fun stuff with the kids, etc so I believed her. She went on 4 dates before I felt like she was getting too close to C. She had implemented a veto rule, in case things got out of hand. I asked to close, and she said she had to think about it. She spent the summer "thinking about it", while I tried to reconcile, only to find out they were not only sleeping together all summer, but that they had slept together prior to the investigation.

I gave her a chance to come clean and tell me the truth and she is still lying and hiding information. Divorce paperwork has been filed, we started talking about custody, selling the house, etc.

My question is, do you think there will come a point where she breaks out of whatever fog or delusion she has built around herself? For those who struggled to break out, or for those who didn't wake up on DDay, what did it take? I'm not going back to her unless she can do the work and be a safe partner, but if she ever got to that place I would be willing to try for the sake of our little boys. I am planning on moving on with my life in the meantime, but there is a small bit of hope there that she will realize the disaster she has caused, but I fear that if shared custody/divorce/selling the house doesn't wake her up then nothing will.

I'm not going back to her unless she can do the work and be a safe partner, but if she ever got to that place I would be willing to try for the sake of our little boys.

Delete this part from your line of thinking. Why 'go back to her' when she should be the one chasing you?

Instead, continue on with this line of thought:

I am planning on moving on with my life in the meantime,

Don't spend too much time on this

but there is a small bit of hope there that she will realize the disaster she has caused, but I fear that if shared custody/divorce/selling the house doesn't wake her up then nothing will.

and focus on your kids instead. You cannot control your WS, and you will probably regret wasting your time and energy on waiting for your WS to get out of the fog.

Focus on making yourself the 'safe' parent that your kids can depend on.

I probably could have phrased it better. I won't be pursuing her in anyway, I just felt like I would at least keep an open mind if she had done the work and reached out. If we didn't have kids I probably wouldn't consider it. I won't be waiting for her, or pausing my life in the hopes that she heals hers...

I'm definitely focused on being there for the kids. I've normally been the primary parent, especially during the school year, so I want to continue to be there for them. I plan on going through with the divorce, and I am focusing on my own healing at the moment. It is probably best that I don't leave that hope alive, even though its not something I am focusing on, more of a curiosity. It's hard not to remember back to how things were before all of this and the potential future we could have had. I try not to think about it because that future is gone no matter what happens between us down the road.

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate the support.

I think you are living in a shell of a marriage and you are hoping "she snaps out if it".

Unfortunately she has gotten away with openly cheating and it does not appear she’s willing to stop.

I don’t see much hope for your marriage, sadly.

I think the vast majority of those that post here have a spouse that does not fully commit to reconciling in the beginning.
The level of non-commitment varies though... Ranging from continuing an active affair while claiming to want the marriage, to the more subtle but still damaging of maintaining that the affair had been "necessary" and out of "desperation" due to faults of the betrayed spouse and/or marriage.
It’s a rare instance where the WS fully realizes and accepts their accountability, and commits to full reconciliation. It requires a certain form of surrender and acceptance.

You're not alone. I've been in your shoes.

The best thing that you can do is fake it until you make it, meaning that you should deliberately turn off the "please come back to me" vibes and turn on the "I'm not putting up with this" energy. This will help you detach from her, which is exactly what you need to do regardless of whether you want her back or you want to divorce. Literally NOBODY ever truly reconciled by doing the "pick me" dance. It's not attractive. Strength is what's attractive, and strength in infidelity means never playing second fiddle.

Is C married? If so, tell his wife immediately.

I'm petty enough that I would wait until the D is final (so that financials are set) and tell their employer. 😈

I'm concerned that you think it's good to tie yourself to this woman for your kids.

It's possible that your W will realize how much she's effed up, decide to change from betrayer to good partner, and actually do the work.

But why go back to her for the kids? If I hadn't seen my W as a good partner for the rest of my life, I believe I'd have D'ed. Being without a partner is better, I think, than being with someone I wouldn't want to commit myself to, all other things being equal.

Also, I agree that it will be easier for you to heal if you don't harbor a desire to get back together with your W.

If your STBXW changes before D is finalized, you can rethink, but right now, I urge you to acknowledge your desire to R, but to also keep reminding yourself it's a desire that would hurt you.

Raises hand and let me tell you it doesn't work. You are cutting yourself short with the sunk cost fallacy. Why do you want this M? If it's for the kids that's not a very good reason either. your WS has done this 2 times now and lied and trickle truthed. Even if she were to turn things around the resentment for putting you through this twice will erode what is left of you.

My honest opinion is no WS who is not remorseful or has committed the offense twice is worth the gift of R.

For me I couldn't get over the repeat offenses. It really showed how unimportant I was to my xWS, how unimportant my mental health was to him and how unimportant my physical health was (he gave me 2 STDs).

I’m sorry you find yourself here. You are trying to save something that is gone. She ripped it up and threw it away. I’ve seen here dozens of times. A WS finds an AP and want a free pass, they ask for an open M. The fact she has to think about an implemented veto rule shows you how much bullshit the whole thing was.

My question is, do you think there will come a point where she breaks out of whatever fog or delusion she has built around herself?

Not at this point. She hasn’t lost anything, she is cake eating. You need to read and implement the 180, demand she quit the job and you report it HR. You really need to blow this up to even have a chance at busting her bubble.

My main advice to a to stop trying to R and get you and your kids away from infidelity, this person that is destroying your family from within.

C is not married. I am not looking to reconcile, and I am not even sure its possible at this point, but I have a firm belief that people can change, but only if they want to and so I guess I was looking for others who might have been in a similar situations.

As for us, the divorce is going to happen, and I am going to take the space and heal and focus on my kids. I know that "for the kids" isn't a good reason to stay in a marriage, but I figured that a future where the four of us could do things together and get along would be great for the kids. However, until she is ready to hold herself accountable, be honest with me, and repair our friendship, I can't imagine wanting to be around her at all. Even if I let go of this pain down the road, and forgive her for my own sake, I won't allow her back in my life if nothing changes.

Honestly I think I am trying to make sense of the madness more than anything haha. So much changed in the span of a 14 months and I honestly don't recognize her most days. I can tell there is a battle between seeing the person I thought she was and the person she is showing herself to be now, and wondering where that old person went.

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I appreciate the honesty and directness, its refreshing haha

Honestly I think I am trying to make sense of the madness more than anything haha. So much changed in the span of a 14 months and I honestly don't recognize her most days. I can tell there is a battle between seeing the person I thought she was and the person she is showing herself to be now, and wondering where that old person went.

I understand exactly what you’re talking about. My W became a person I did not recognize. She became a completely different person and pursued many A’s. When I was finally done and told her not to speak to me, tell it to the lawyer she freaked out. It took a long time to believe what I was seeing but she became the person I was proud to be married to. She has done a lot of work on herself and has become trustworthy.

I didn’t put up with any more bull shit and she realized it very early. Here General I made a 5 year update just a couple of week ago.

At this point, the only reason your wife would ever come back to you is if the OM dumps her and/or she crunches the numbers and realizes that she faces a very substantial financial loss/lifestyle downgrade by getting divorced. If she does come crawling back, then you will need to seriously consider whether you could possibly remain married to someone under those circumstances (which, of course, she will vehemently deny).

Also, trust me when I say that when the divorce is complete, you will eventually come to feel grateful that the trash let itself out. You've been in a barn for so long that you're used to the smell of manure... but after that first big whiff of fresh air, you're going to wonder why you tolerated so much shit for so long.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:46 PM, Thursday, September 19th]

I have a good friend who recently divorced due to infidelity who was invested in "keeping the family together" even if they were no longer a couple. They even celebrated their anniversary recently, as a family, because it was "the date that their family was established". It turned into a sh*tshow and after more than a year of trying to make it work, she realizes now that it was futile because her H isn't emotionally healthy. She says she was doing it for the kids, but I think she was mostly afraid of change.

I figured that a future where the four of us could do things together and get along would be great for the kids.

I think the reality is that a future that includes other partners for one or both of you very likely isn't going to have a "four of us" option. I think it would be wise to detach completely for now, like you're planning, and see what the future holds. I wouldn't hang my hat on things getting better any time soon. She's got a lot of work to do, and she may never do it.