SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TL;DR

Recently found out husband never gave up porn. He cheated on me with two transgender prostitutes (literally paid them money) in our house while I was 5 days postpartum sick in the hospital overnight AND he’s been doing coke for 4 months while at home with our 2yr child.

LONG STORY

I’ve been married to my husband for 3yrs. The first year into our marriage I told him how I don’t like him watching porn and looking at other girls. Thought he gave it up but apparently not. I recently found out he stopped watching heterosexual porn because it doesn’t get him hard anymore. Since January he’s been watching trans porn. In May he started doing coke. Literally spending at least $700 a week on coke also at this time he’s been a staying at home with our 2yr due to daycare issues. I’ve noticed a change in his behavior and demeanor over the last few months, but he kept saying he didn’t feel like himself and was depressed. So I kept asking him to talk to someone if he couldn’t talk to me and having heart to heart conversations with him. I was working full time and would come home with nothing cleaned and no dinner made. I told him how burnt out I was but he didn’t care. During my entire pregnancy we had sex once and was constantly asking for sex but he was always "tired".

Fast ward to September. I gave birth to our 2nd child. I had postpartum complications that lead me back into the hospital 5 days later. Since husband kept complaining of being "tired" I made arrangements for my parents to take the kids for a day so he could get some rest while I was in the hospital overnight. However, he took that as an opportunity to live out his fantasy of having sex with two prostitutes trans women in our house. He paid them $850 dollars. I found out 12 hours later because something just didn’t sit right with me and I checked his phone. Through the course of the last month all he’s done is lie and even paid the prostitute another $800 so they wouldn’t tell me what all happened in the house. It didn’t matter because I found everything out in the end. He’s been working on himself the last two weeks. No coke or porn since then, going to mental health sessions and even trying to get into outpatient rehab for drug addiction.

I’ve been trying to understand porn and coke addiction, but I’m so hurt and confused. idk how our marriage can recover from this. I want to support and help him for his sake as well for our kids. He says after the whole encounter he knows he’s not gay/bi and he’s disgusted with himself. But idk what to think. I just keep questioning, "Was this a fetish/obsession that he took the chance to live out his fantasy while high" or "does he like transwomen and trying to save face". He also is saying this is the first time he's physically cheated on me, which is somewhat believable since he never really many opportunities before D-day. I'm just so confused on what to think.

I wouldn't believe him about not liking trans.

Does he not work?

Make sure both he and you get tested for STDs cheaters lie, don't count on it being the first time.

I'm sorry you're going through this :(

@ nomudnolotus

I have my STI tests on Tuesday. He stopped working in May around the time he started doing coke and he was with our 2yr the entire time. the only reason why its somewhat believable that this is the first time that he has physically cheated on me was the state of our room. He had a day and a half of the house to himself and nothing was cleaned. The only thing cleaned in the house was our bedroom ,not our bathroom and not our closet. There was no sheets on the bed. He threw away the sheets and brought new sheets.

He is an addict. And a cheater.

A very bad combination IMO.

Can you recover from this? Yes. The question is do you want to.

I think you should get your own professional help. Someone who is experienced in addiction. Someone just for you to support you while you make some difficult decisions.

You need a plan to protect you & kids. I would suggest not leaving them alone with him for now, until he has proven himself. If he makes a bad choice and drives while he is high and something happens, you will be feeling guilty.

I am so sorry you are in this position and having a new baby and toddler with no help from your H. Please stop giving him free access to your $. You need to protect yourself and that includes financially, physically and emotionally.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:20 PM, Sunday, October 27th]

I’m sorry you’re in such a bad situation, with two small children.

I can’t see much of a positive way to spin this. A person with a substance use disorder who brings sex workers into your home while you’re postpartum and in the hospital is not a safe partner for you or caretaker for your children.

I think you should get childcare in order, cut off his access to your paycheck, and pursue a separation that gets him out of you and your kids’ space. Addict + cheater + unemployed is too problematic to live with, in my opinion. you can use the space of separation to consider what you want out of the relationship, if anything.

I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be to be dealing with this. Hugs.

I don't often just jump to the recommendation of separation, but you two have only been married three years. Already, he's a coked-up cheater who doesn't work and doesn't pull his weight. To be honest, I wouldn't leave my kids with someone who I knew was making such bad decisions. I couldn't trust someone like that to make good choices while caring for them.

Physical separation would make it necessary for you to work around him so that both you and the children are getting what you need without him in the equation, just in case this current flake-out is irreparable. You'd be standing on your own two feet and holding all the cards. Not only that, but you'd be setting a precedent for the future so that he knows in his heart of hearts that you are NOT someone he can fuck over without consequences.

In order to get back in to the home dynamic, he'd have to seek treatment successfully and prove that he's someone who can add TO your lives rather than being a detriment. He's need to prove he could hold a job, stay sober, and make responsible choices. Yeah, there's a real risk that he won't be up to the challenge, but knowing now, with only three years and change invested, leaves you a whole wonderful life ahead.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. We all know the pain and confusion. Try not to get bogged down in the emotional aspects of it though. No matter how compelling those feelings are, you've got your whole future at stake, and not just your own because there are babies to think of too. It's difficult, but believe in yourself. You ARE enough, and you can do this.

((hugs))

So sorry your WS did this to you. I agree with the others that it will be really challenging to even start to R with two little ones in the house. You cannot trust him alone with the kids until he is clean and sober and this can take a LONG time.

And he can’t step up when you have medical issues and two children? And then brings strangers in the house to have sex that can introduce STDs that can kill you? And in your home? And he’s using martial funds to do this and support his scary drug habit?

PLEASE kick him it so you don’t have to worry about him around the kids. Get yourself into therapy and look for a Al-anon or similar support group to help you.

You need to worry about you and your kids now. He needs to figure his shit out - and he’s a grown man and can do this.
Rally your support team - friends, family, church, whomever - around you to help you out.

Keep posting and know that we are all here rooting for you.

Some actions:
1) STD testing
2) See a lawyer to understand your rights- don’t tell him
3) Read in the healing library and all the posts with bullseyes in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum
4) Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid drugs/alcohol, get sleep and exercise daily (even just a walk). Taking care of your body helps your mind, too.
5) Get IC (individual counseling) to support YOU.

You will get through this. It’s gonna suck- that is true. But you will survive.

@ The1stWife

Thank you for your advice.

Thankfully, we've never had joint accounts. I kicked him out and ha staying in apartments near the house. He comes by almost everyday to see the kids. He's making an effort when it comes to parenting and helping around the house. I believe he's trying to earn my trust back; said he'll share his location with me. He show the list of jobs he has applied for, which was at least 90. Its a start I guess, just still have my doubts

For myself I have an appointment with a therapist this week.

[This message edited by Weewoo at 8:48 PM, Sunday, October 27th]

He put your children in serious danger by bringing strange sex workers into the house.
He put you in danger by having sex with strangers.
He was not working and used the money you made while working to pay for drugs and sex workers???
You are young, you can move on from this. Get some help, and you could find someone who is not a drug addict, not having sex with transvestites.

Please do yourself and your kids a favour and get rid of this guy, he's not good for you.

@ nomudnolotus

A couple of things:

He never used my money, we have separate accounts.

When I talk about earning my trust back, that's in regards to him being a reliable parent (earning money and making good choices) As a spouse, I dont believe he’ll ever warn my trust back. In my most vulnerable moment, he betrayed me.

Its hard to cut him out of my life when he's the father of my child. I can't legally keep him from his kids even if he was high around them. I talked to a lawyer today and said if he's been getting help the state will push for 50/50 custody.

I am getting help, I have an appointment with a therapist in Nov.

Ugh - how terrible. Really. It is unfortunate in these situations that the BS has to be the "adult in the room" and take control of the situation to the extent they can. I agree with this recommendation:

Physical separation would make it necessary for you to work around him so that both you and the children are getting what you need without him in the equation, just in case this current flake-out is irreparable. You'd be standing on your own two feet and holding all the cards. Not only that, but you'd be setting a precedent for the future so that he knows in his heart of hearts that you are NOT someone he can fuck over without consequences.

And I am glad you have implemented this - but be warned, this is not something that is going to be rectified by a few nights in a hotel. I think your WS is going to have to find a more permanent place to stay while he works on himself.

Full disclosure, I was a child during my mother's affair and my parents subsequent separation and divorce, and I am a pretty staunch advocate for not staying "for the kids" as having lived through the tension and stress of a post-A marriage as a child, it was very detrimental to my health and well being and it really did IMO form how I handled things as an adult (and not in a good way). That being said, there were no drugs or prostitutes involved in my mom's A - it was just a run of the mill affair with a married man that occurred 100% of the time away from us. Your WS has brought drugs and prostitutes into your home - this is not a safe environment for your children regardless of how you and your WS deal with the issues he has brought to your doorstep.

Having lived with a drug addicted relative for 8 years, the recovery process is long and usually bumpy, especially in the beginning - which is why my advice regarding a longer-term separation is given here. In the case of your WS I think unfortunately (for you) he needs to address the drug use and whatever other addictive issues he has before he can get to the infidelity issues. Getting onto a path of staying sober generally requires full attention...so I think you are going to have to commit to a long long road if you want to stay married to this person. I'm not saying it's not worth it or not possible - I'm just saying that it is not going to be something quickly addressed and to consider that for you and your kids.

For the other issue raised - the "is my WS really into transgendered people" I am of the mindset that actions speak louder than words. For example, I personally have fantasized about things that I have no interest in actually doing. I would argue that watching transgender porn, for example, does not mean someone actually wants to be with a transgender person. But, taking action to make that happen, and doing it, is a lot more than just fantasy - on some level your WS did indeed want to do it, because he did. I realize that using drugs often times plays into someone doing something they normally would not do, but usually there is some part of them that wants to. I used to get high a lot when I was younger, and I did a lot of stupid (and in hindsight embarrassing stuff that I wish I had not done) but nothing that I didn't actually want to do at least on some small level at the time. I think your WS's comment that he is disgusted with himself may indeed be true, but I don't buy that he did not want to.

There have been many people who really are into things that society finds less-than-socially-acceptable but do not want to admit it to themselves nevertheless anyone else. IMO I think this is where your WS's mind actually lies, and that he is telling you what you need to hear in order for you to not be disgusted with him too (regardless of whether him being with a trans-person would be any different than his cheating on you with someone born of your gender), and possibly saying what he needs to hear too. Many people struggle with having an out of the ordinary sexual preference (or he may not prefer people who are trans-gender but also be into them). Coming to terms with a less-than-majority sexual interest is often problematic for the individual espousing those views. I have no idea if this is your WS but it certainly is possible. But...

I think before he (and you) can get into any of the sexual preference/infidelity, your WS is going to need to focus on his own drug/addiction issues and put the issues he has created in your marriage from infidelity on hold for a bit. And for you OP, this means pressing the pause button on your marriage if indeed you want to try to work it out.

You are new to this site, but when ChamomileTea comes in and immediately tells you to throw in the towel, that's your sign.

You have kids, which are a practicality worth thinking about, but do you really want a man with these types of decision-making skills in your kids' lives?

Honestly, I'd recommend separation and seeing a lawyer to see what your chances are for full custody. He is not a safe partner or father.

Weewoo, it takes quite a bit to get such a strong reaction from SI members in this forum. In your case, it is warranted but it sounds like you are doing right by you and your babies. stay strong and take care of the three of you. your husband has a long road of recovery ahead of him, I am hoping he will take responsibility and do the work you require of him in order for him to be in his kids' lives, with or without you in the picture. things do get better, in the meantime, take care of yourself!

@ ThisIsSoLonely

Thank you for your response. I kicked him out the day before making this post. He's in an apartment complex that's 10mins away.

I 100% agree with you on him needing to work on himself before we can even get into the infidelity. He said he told me everything (and there was a lot of it) but it all came out as a trickle truth. So there possibly more…and I'm done playing 21 questions because its not going to help at this point. And the same is true for me, I have to try and put this on the backburner. As you stated I need to focus on myself and kids.

I talked to a lawyer and Im going to proceed with a separation for now. I dont have the money for a lawyer right now.

I started putting together a list last night of what I can work on and hoping for in the next 2 months.

I'm going to focus on finding childcare for a toddler and newborn. I have postpartum preeclampsia so I'm hoping in the next few weeks I can come off my meds. It'll be one less thing to worry about. I have a therapy session in Nov and want tontey going every 2-3 week. I was taking classes online, but Im going hold off on school to save the money to obtain a lawyer. I'm the type of person where my thoughts sends me down the rabbit hole.. So Im going try and remind myself that his infidelity wasn't about me, its about him and his issues.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I can relate to a wh who was not there when I medically needed him.

I will lead with saying that my bias is that my experience with a FWH who preferred non normative sexuality was not positive. He knew that if he disclosed this I would not have married him. So he lied about his sexual history and risked my health and life from the start.
His "preferences" would not have been something that I would have considered was in alignment with my personal desires and preferences. Toss in his propensity to lie along with his genetic predisposition for addiction, his secret alcohol use, his family tree that was riddled with infidelity…bad odds

I personally regret giving him the gift of attempting R the first time I found out he cheated much less the second. Notice I said the first time I found out because there is no telling the ways and times he actually did cheat and I did not know.

I do respect the waywards who do the work to become safe partners.

It just breaks my heart that what should be a joyous time for you with a new baby is so difficult and heartbreaking.

Just know you are doing the right thing for your children.

As far as playing 20 questions with him, just know that is typical cheater behavior.

Good for you Weewoo! I'm glad you are taking steps in the direction you need to - for you and your kids. Things will not be easy all the time - likely far from it - but you have the strength - that is clear.

You should look at going to an Al-Anon meeting.

NO SOLICITING.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:54 PM, Friday, November 1st]

Weewoo

You call him "husband" – as in married.
In most states that union makes you more-or-less one financial unit. It entitles certain financial obligations and such. That you have two separate accounts... its more-or-less irrelevant.
Like... Its not like the first bowl of cereal for the kids in the morning is with his money, and the second with your money.

Just keep that in mind – a marriage by default is a legal entwinement, and simple decisions like living in separate places does not lessen or mitigate possible legal obligations.
--
In the strongest of terms I’m going to suggest you look into ways to ensure your legal standings. If money is tight then consider calling a family-support hotline. Chances are the whole process of legal separation and/or divorce is relatively simple, and they often have legal resources that work pro-bono or with generous payment plans.