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8 months after the birth of our first son my husband started having an affair. It lasted for a year and a half. Upon discovery, it was claimed that he felt alone and avoided by the baby and I. To fill such void, he followed the attention he was getting from my "work-spouse/mentor/friend". Our son is now 13 and has spent the last 2 years trying his best to forge a connection with his dad, to no avail. Dad and I separated in 2021 but he stayed in the home until moving out of state in July 2023. I have always encouraged their relationship, and continue to do so. Dad has a strong bond with our 8 year old (initiated and maintained BY child).

Could this lack of bond have been created because his Dad was not yet focused on family?

Short answer: Sounds like your 13 year old has out-matured his dad... It’s only a question of years before your 8 year old does the same.

It’s surprisingly common that affairs start at or around pregnancy/first child. As a MAN I don’t know why... I’m not placing myself on any high-horse by stating I can’t understand why a man won’t commit himself 100% to his child and the welfare of the woman that gave him that gift. Yes – it is a responsibility, but life is all about responsibility and doing your best to do you best. And yes – there is a danger that both parents start focusing on the family and forget to focus on them. Maybe there should have been more sex, more date-nights or whatever in those early years, but if he had the energy to seek validation elsewhere, he also had the energy to maybe let you sleep in an occasional night and/or do his share to better bond with his child.

Bigger

As a MAN I don’t know why... I’m not placing myself on any high-horse by stating I can’t understand why a man won’t commit himself 100% to his child and the welfare of the woman that gave him that gift.

If someone only values relationships based on how much immediate benefit and enjoyment they're deriving from those relationships, then it's not difficult at all to understand why that person would completely check out on his wife and child, particularly during the postpartum period.

Jazzmine, I don't know to what extent you've been involved in managing your sons' relationship with their Dad, but especially now that you're separated, you should take a hands-off approach. More importantly, you shouldn't make excuses for your WH because if you say stuff like "Oh, he doesn't mean what he says or does..." or "Yeah, I know Daddy hasn't called in a while, but he loves you..." you're teaching them that love = neglect.

I know this doesn't answer your question... but question doesn't really matter. You can't make your WH connect with his sons. All you can do is be loving and engaged parent that they need, regardless of what he does.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:38 PM, Monday, November 11th]

It could have been.

It also could be guilt. Something like not allowing them to get close because secretly he felt the affair made him a scumbag and he didn't want them to grow up and be scumbags too.

Could also be something from his childhood.

You might never know for sure... after all, can you trust him to be 100% honest about it?

What you can do is be a good mom for your kiddos. I don't doubt that you're trying your best... so keep at it!

More importantly, you shouldn't make excuses for your WH because if you say stuff like "Oh, he doesn't mean what he says or does..." or "Yeah, I know Daddy hasn't called in a while, but he loves you..." you're teaching them that love = neglect.

I know this doesn't answer your question... but question doesn't really matter. You can't make your WH connect with his sons.

I completely agree with BluerThanBlue. Your ex husband only should take responsibility for his own behaviour and choices. I understand you don’t want to speak negatively about his dad, but be very careful not to send a negative message about love being neglectful.

Your ex husband has the emotional maturity of a toddler and does not understand the damage he is doing to his own son. You just try to be the best mum you can be. At least your son can experience a loving parent and I suggest you send him to individual therapy to learn how to cope with a neglecting father because it is devastating.

Thank you for your responses. They are helpful! I never thought he would hightail it back home to mommy, but then again, he's never been the head of a household. Why start now, right? smh

My parents divorced when I was 7. They remained friends and even though he was on the West coast and I was on the east, he was ALWAYS available when I needed him. On the phone, but he still got me through it. I was and still am a daddy's girl. I've seen him twice as an adult :( due to lack of money for plane tickets. But we are still very close. I guess I expected my WH to be there, too.

I will continue being the loving supportive parent & let him make his own bed. I have several male friends willing to share their skills and time to teach us all the "many things" I don't already know. At this point in our lives my needs of a man are secondary to theirs.

I should have left him after the affair. It's been a downward spiral since then with home AND work life. I'm pretty close to the bottom and there's only one way to go from there!

I've started down a new career path, the home is ALMOST free of deadbeat men (my brother is still there), and my boys and I will humbly carry on into the Wild World.

Wish me luck & thank you again for your wise words.