SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 42 years had a 15 year affair with a co worker. I put an end to it over two and a half years ago. I allowed her to call him to break it off but she did not want me to be there when she called him, I agreed. But I had to know just how deep her feelings went for this guy so I secretly recorded the call. I don't feel real good about doing that but I had to hear her true feelings which she would never tell me. The call lasted 40 minutes and I heard a lot of heartbreaking things. She professed her undying love for him and said he was the true love of her life and that would never change (that was killer for me to hear). She also lied to him a few times about things that she said on Dday. She expressed how unhappy her life has gotten at work and at home and how all of that disappeared when she went over to see him. I also heard him remind her of the bad moments that she had with me during our marriage as a way of justifying what they were doing. To set the record straight I was not an abusive husband but I was far from perfect and have made my share of mistakes over 40 years of marriage, but I was faithful and did the best I could to provide for my family. That call still haunts me and I will always wonder if it was the affair fog talking or if she still feels that way today. We decided to work things out and stay together but I can't get it out of my head that she said he was the love of her life and that would never change. How could she come back to me and still think that way for him.I may never know her true feelings for him. We have gone through this without any counseling, but I have journaled and watched so many helpful podcast. I have read so many books about both sides of an affair, I almost feel as if I could write my own. Long-Term affairs are devastating and will turn your world upside down. I really want to believe that my wife sees and feels so much differently about her affair now that her eyes and mind are seeing real life again. I honestly don't know her as good as I used to think I did.

Thank You for listening to my rant.

Lost1313

Lost, I am so sorry. I too have been married for 40+ years. Very different story, but I can understand the conflicts that go through your head. Almost an entire lifetime together. Someone else on SI said it well. It's like you woke up in someone elses life. All memories are tainted.

We too have not had counseling, but we have had many, many discussions. Are you at a place where you can calmly talk to each other about it? Is she open and remorseful? Has she made the effort to understand her actions and to commit to reconciliation?

I would probably come clean with her about the tape and risk the consequences. She gave up her right to privacy when she cheated. I can't blame you for what you did. If she is truly committed to you she'll come around. Living with that knowledge will destroy you if you don't deal with it.

God bless.

Hearing that phone call has to hurt.

Lost1313. My husband had an affair with a woman in 1976-77 (this I knew back then), and resumed in 1979 after we separated and got back together (this part I did not know until he contacted her behind my back in 2023 and actively deceived me). I heard it from his own lips how they were in love and he only went back to me so he could be a father to our daughter. Also was told she was more than a friend and would always have a piece of his heart. This after he hadn’t spoken to her in 43 years. I cannot unhear it or ever forget that I was second pick, the consolation prize, and I would never be what she was to him. This is the worst. I’m nearly 2 years out and have cried every day since. My marriage of 43 years feels like a complete sham, and all I have given him was wasted time I could have given to someone else who truly cherished me. I was robbed of that possibility. I recently read a quote from a person called Sruta Samarpita that struck a chord in me these days.

I am stuck between
Past and future
Memories and dreams
Life and death

I am lost between
Expectations and reality
Facts and fiction
Love and hatred

LTA survivor myself. One that went underground after DDay1. It sucks like no other pain I've ever endured. And still haunts me.

Have you seen the LTA thread in the I Can Relate section? Over the years I have found it very helpful.

If you stay knowing all this, then you accept that this abuse is all you deserve. You are not "fighting" for your marriage, you are rugsweeping. First, why on Earth did you bother allowing her to call him without you present? FTN. Second, why are you ok with being second choice/back up plan?
You are NOT in reconciliation. You are in limbo.
I remember how shocked I was when a friend asked me, "how did you feel SL when you realized your husband didn't love you?" I couldn't see the forest for the trees in the way, so I didn't realize, yet, that there was no way he could love me if he cheated for that many years and did so much disrespectful shit to me and our M during his A. Again, FTN. And, yes, I was super pissed at the friend for daring to insinuate MY husband didn't love me. But, he was right on the money. When I got some distance I got even more clarity.
If your wife is still refusing to do the actions that make you feel safe, she doesn't love you.

I too am sorry you had to hear that very hurtful phone call. But at least you know the truth about your wife’s feelings.

Does your wife know you heard the call?

That phone call could be where you find the strength to realize your life isn't cast in stone. You do not need to accept what someone offers, you are worth more, we all are.

It might be time to tell her that she doesn't meet the basic requirements to be your wife, and you have tolerated her contempt and shameful behavior not because you were weak but because of your depth of character.

It long past ultimatum time and its time you demand what you want and if she will not bring what you want, there are far worse things than being on your own again even at middle age.

It is time she feels the full weight and shame of her conduct, it is time for that burden not to be upon you, its her cross to carry.

You've made some mistakes in the past, but you can recover from them, survive, and thrive - with or without your WS

I suspect you triggered many readers of your story. The story certainly triggered me, and my W had only a 4.5 month A. My heart goes out to you. I know you're in pain. I wish I could take it away, but I can't. You can, though, but you probably will need help.

First, most of us make mistakes. Many of us make the same mistakes you have made - allowing WS to make that phone call, not demanding answers, etc., etc., etc.

Hearing that you're not your W's love of her life is devastating. I didn't hear that; seven so, I had to do a lot of internal work to comprehend that my W's A was not because of any failure in me. Your W's A was not because of some failure in you. Your W cheated because of some failure(s) in her.

Remember: she met the love of her life and did nothing about it but cheat. She probably realized down deep that she was/is(?) lying to herself; otherwise, she would have left. This guy was an escape from dealing with her problems at work and at home. An escape from life, an escape from herself. She is no prize. I wish, for her sake, that she realized her problem was herself and that she did something productive about it, like find a good guide/IC/therapist.

You now have a problem, too, also with yourself. What do you need to do to (re)build your self-esteem enough to address your M issues? What do you need to do to process the pain of being betrayed out of your body? How do you make good decisions for your future?

I urge you to pick one of 2 paths. First, you can confront your W, tell her you recorded her phone call, and tell her you want either true R or (true) D. If she gets angry that you recorded her, I'd have a hard time NOT taking that as a sign that she's a lousy candidate for R. OTOH, if she quickly comes around to the position of being glad you recorded the call, starts working with a good therapist, and works with you to decide what you'll both do to R, she might be a good candidate for R. (hint: answering all questions is a requirement.)

My reco is not to confront unless you have decided that you will D if she doesn't step up.

If you're not ready to confront/D, my reco is to seek IC for you as a way of realizing you're stronger than you think and to find and enhance your strengths.

Do you really want to be with a woman who cheated on you for the remaining decades of your life? And wouldn't it be better to live alone than to live with someone you don't have any reason to trust? Frankly, at your age, there are a lot of good women out there who will want to be with you. You're only as stuck as you think.

Brother, I know you feel lost. You've lived through 17.5 years of hell with your W. But your post means you're ready to stop doing that. The hitch is that you won't get out of hell without taking action on your own behalf.

Thank You all.I have taken something from each of you. It really helps to hear from people who have walked in my shoes.

One last rant from me for a while. LTA affairs are devastating, they turn your world inside out and upside down. When you love hard, you land hard. You really begin to realize how peaceful your life was pre discovery as compared to what it is post discovery. Every aspect of your life is affected and there are no sure things anymore. Innocence and contentment are MIA.I do believe that in the long run you will be stronger and wiser person when you get past this, and you will get past it! I'm not there yet but I know I will be. There is much work and communication left for me and my wife, a few more walls to break down. We have over 40 years of bad habits to address and communication is at the top of the list because without it your relationship will fail! I am a fighter and regardless of hard I have been hurt I will fight hard to keep my marriage intact and learn from our mistakes. If God can forgive my sins then I will forgive my wife's bad choices in life. My prayers go out to each and every one of you who are suffering the heartbreak of infidelity.

Lost1313

How are you holding up?

I remember how infuriating it was to read their text messages and how many times my wife called her AP "soulmate" and "one true love." Why wasn't she saying it to me?

Well, after being on SI for a while I learned that adultery talk is almost total fiction. The entire adultery situation is a huge work of deceit, and the primary targets of that deceit are the adulterors themselves. They don't have to live day to day and overcome real life problems and put in the work of being real human beings. No, they touch base from time to time in fantasy land and twist their big lie into whatever they want it to look like.

The words they say to each other there are 100% a product of, and reflection of, that big lie.

It's just like sissoon said earlier, if it meant anything real they would have acted on it in a real way. Instead, they just hid what they were doing like the cat turd it was. (Incidentally, sissoon is one of the wisest voices on this forum, I still quote some the things I learned from him in real life, and I credit him for insights that led to my personal growth and healing. You'll go right by listening to him.)

It might feel like you're lost right now, but that's only because you have to learn how to sail in treacherous waters that you were tossed into. Sometimes falling in and getting battered around is just par for the course. Take your time, be fair to yourself, and remember that you are the captain of your ship, no one else gets to tell you how to sail it, or how fast, or where it goes.

-M

I have been on this forum for just a short time and have gotten some great advice. It really helps to get it from people who have been there. From Dday to present day I have channeled my anger, resentment and frustration and many other things to my journal. It is quite large and sometimes I feel as if I will be writing in it for years. I have never raised my voice in a threatening way ever with my wife even though I had many reasons to do so. I have begun to realize that all affairs have many things in common but are very unique to the people involved. This whole thing came crashing down so fast from discovery to Dday and that was about two weeks of hell for me. Not once did I consider divorce and that may shock many of you because of the length of the affair. I love my wife and that has never wavered. I don't give up easily and I'm a bear if you poke me hard enough. I'm a wounded bear for sure. We decided to try again with our marriage. I really think my wife got involved in something that she had no idea how to get out of it as she lacked the integrity and courage to resist temptation as well as the strength to end it. I put my wife on a pedestal and thought she was stronger than she actually was. Two and a half years post Dday and there are still some walls to break down between us and it will happen. Lack of communication slowly weakened our marriage over the years and we have both agreed we cannot repeat the same mistakes from our first marriage. I will continue to help people on here through my experience with infidelity but I also think I will be seeking advice from all of you for a while too. As I have said before LTA's are devastating but it really helps to have a forum like this to lean on from time to time.

Honestly - my WH's A was "only" 2.5 years. About 1.75 of it was after I discovered it, so it was underground. I also taped a call - replete with "I love yous" and all this other horrible declarations, also with some lies about what was actually happening at our house, etc. I ended up leaving my WH and divorcing him, but we now date and his A is long over...and I am pretty sure he's not sticking around with me due to me being second choice, but because he wants to as his AP divorced and was available if he so desired and I was living in another state.

So I would ask, why did your WS decide to stay with you if this guy was the "love of her life"? I mean seriously...if he was "the one" then why stay when caught out?

I can tell you that I did indeed ask about these declarations of "love" etc and I admitted to taping the call I am referring to - and I had zero qualms about it. If you stood by while she called you would have gotten some watered down version and they likely would have spoken again anyway. Good on you - your WS established they could not be trusted - I find it a bit ridiculous that any WS would get all up in arms about being recorded.

All that being said, my WH says that when he said all those things to his AP that I recorded - he meant them - kind of. Kind of?!?! I thought a person doesn't "kind of" mean those things. But they were a mix of lies, affair fog, not wanting to hurt his AP, not wanting to have to be the "bad guy", and not knowing what he wanted. Where your WS sits in all of these feelings NOW is hard to say for sure. The only thing you can do is ask - have you ever asked about the conversation? I mean, you could ask for a description of what was said, how long it lasted, etc, and see if you get anything close to the truth (and I say close as you can't expect someone to recall every word of a 40 minute conversation from an hour ago nevertheless one that look place years ago). You can admit to the recording if you want - but really I wish I hadn't let on I had the recording when I questioned my WH back then as he had no choice but to admit to the contents of the conversation.

If God can forgive my sins then I will forgive my wife's bad choices in life.

As a man of faith myself, may I remind you that forgiving your wife does NOT require reconciliation of the marriage! You can ABSOLUTELY forgive her AND divorce! May I be so bold to say she’s unlikely to consider changing her inner character (a miraculous feat to pull off, and exactly what’s required for you to ever have a chance at being safe with her) if she thinks you’re not leaving no matter what. If you’re committed to the marriage regardless of what kind of adulterous abuse she throws at you, then she’s very likely to demand rugsweeping, and you’ll do it, since you’re never going to leave, no matter what.

Is there any line whatsoever where you’d consider divorce? I am NOT demanding you divorce. What I am saying is your commitment to endure whatever abuse is shooting yourself in the foot with a Howitzer.

Most affairs are based on a fake reality. By that I mean the cheaters don’t live together, don’t have kids together, don’t have bills and in-laws and homes and shopping etc. No broken appliances or vehicles. No overdue credit cards to worry about etc.

It’s an escape. A fantasy. Make believe.

I would "love" someone if they told me "you are right" all the time and "you are so perfect" too. Imagine you step into another world where it’s fun - texts and calls and dinners and sex - all fun! And you have no worries for a few hours. And someone is giving you an ego boost that maybe you have not gotten from your mate/spouse.

So while my H was kicking me to the curb for the OW, I recognized his infatuation was not love. But it took him months to figure that out. To the point where we were almost at D.

So Lost1313 I admire your ability to hand in there and give your wife time to make changes. I hope she appreciates you and recognizes the gift you are giving her.