SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi folks

Please bear with me on this
About a year ago I discovered my wife had been messaging another man
I had my suspicions as we were hardly speaking to one another
Anyway my suspicions were confirmed by looking at one of her two phones and her iPad
Although the messages were quite tame , she had sent him images of a sexual nature buy the images were of someone else
She had used a fake profile picture but used her real name
They had met through an online pool game
She had ended the messages with love ya
I confronted her and she said she didn't know why she has done it but said it was exciting
She said she had no intention of meeting this chap. Who incidentally is married too
We had a heart to heart and I left it at that
I still had one of her phones which she no.longer used
I did more digging and found out that she had been phoning this mam
Some of the phone calls were over 30 mins in length and it seemed my wife was phoning him
I once again confronted her and she said she didn't know why she had phoned him, it was stupid
I was still getting my head around this and came to the conclusion that as long as they weren't meeting up I could deal with it
Anyway time went on and more and more unanswered questions arose
I managed to get more details about what went on
This is were things got heated up between them
Apparently they started sending filthy messages to one another and she had orgasmed 5 times through this but later found out that she was getting herself off for this to happen over this other man
He had sent her a photo of his penis but she swore she didn't send anything of herself, everything was of other womans private parts
I was gobsmacked as all this was out of character
Anyway I gave her an ultimatum and told her to end whatever it was , she messaged him and admitted she was married, he hadn't a clue. He said I m off and left the pool game group
We became close after that but I still had a gut feeling something was off
Over the next week my wife would go to the toilet after tea more often, she left her handbag on the bathroom floor
The next Saturday I wax using the bathroom and something told me to.look in her bag, I looked and was shocked to find a brand new Samsung phone hidden I'm there
My doubts has been confirmed and I didn't have to be a rocket scientist to realise why she had got this other phone
I was ready to clear off for good and she begged me not to go and she would explain, we went out in the car and sat and talked for hours
I think I had come to the conclusion that this bloke meant more to her than she had let on
She swore that she only loved me and this was just an escape from reality, they hadn't met in real.life and she had no intention of doing so, part of me thought that was because I had put a spanner in the works and spoiled the fun
Anyway she said that she just liked talking to him mostly about pool and football, general stuff
She admitted she wanted him but only in this fantasy persona she had created
In my mind I had two choices leave or let her carry on with this weird online relationship
I have two kids and a mortgage so the latter wasn't an option, I agreed that she could still speak to this bloke but no.more secrets
She agreed
Fast forward to today and she said that there's no lovey dovey stuff going on but he had asked to see photos, she had downloaded photos so she sent him these images
What was strange was that she wouldn't let me see this phone, she even changed her passcode. She said it was because she was sending these photos, although I kind of believed her , the old doubt arises in my mind as I knew about the previous explicit messages so nothing would shock me
Wwe are definitely physically and mentally closer. We talk more now but I still feel she's not being completely honest
Although I no longer ask what they are messaging each other about my conclusion is that she has some kind of love for this man, she swears she doesn't love this man but maybe she trying to convince herself too much
It's been a roller coaster of emotions
What's peoples thoughts on this
Sorry that I was being explicit in parts

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've been hurt by infidelity. We encourage new members to read the posts pinned at the top of the forum, as well as those that have a bull's eye icon. Additionally, the Healing Library is located at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources.

Are you in IC (Individual Counseling)? They can help you with the emotions and other things that come about through betrayal trauma.

Did you have your WW (wayward wife) write out a timeline of ALL the online As (affairs)? Is she in IC to work on her reasons why she was unfaithful? She has a lot of hard work to do to become a safe partner. Cheaters lie and then lie some more. I think your gut is right and you don't know everything.

Sorry that you're joining us.

Your wayward wife is in an active affair. If you want that to end you’re going to have take action. Consult with a solicitor to find out what your rights are in a divorce. You don’t have to file, but knowledge dispels fear of the unknown.

Check out the healing library here, pay particular attention to the simplified 180. Tell your WW to move out of the master bedroom. Since she’s carrying on an affair she has forsaken the marital bed.

You can’t really make her end the affair, but you can start moving out of infidelity. If she pulls her head out of her ass and starts to follow then you can decide if you have something to work with.

"What was strange was that she wouldn't let me see this phone, she even changed her passcode" - HUGE RED FLAG

"We talk more now but I still feel she's not being completely honest" - see above.

How many more times you catch her cheating when you finally pull the plug?

[This message edited by Tempocontour at 2:20 AM, Thursday, November 14th]

This will continue until you tell her it's either me or divorce. She won't let you see her other phone? I think she is doing more than she is saying. Talk with an attorney and let her know you did.

Thanks for the advice folks
I did wonder about the secrecy with the phone but she did explain its was because she was sending images to this man but they weren't of her
She swears there's no lovey dovey stuff and no explicit messages
Most of this kind of stuff seemed to happen not long after they met
She had deleted the explicit messages , I ll not go into details of these messages I ll leave that to your imagination
She had deleted a lot of the lovey dovey stuff from her iPad but think she was afraid I told his wife
One message stuck with me was that she said she had to have this man's fix all the time
I really don't know what to think
Do I trust her, well honestly in my eyes she still hasn't come clean about everything but she did disclose far more than I thought she would but a lot was over a long period of time, I do wonder if there's more to be revealed
I did badger her constantly about what had been going on
Think I could handle it as it hasn't become physical it was more of a strange fantasy thing
It indeed has been a roller coaster of emotions
I m in a better place now than a year ago but I m still suspicious
She is constantly on her phone, she still uses the Samsung phone to.message this man

I agreed that she could still speak to this bloke but no.more secrets

I’m sorry to say this was a big mistake. Demanding absolute No Contact (NC) is absolutely the first and minimum thing you must do, unless you’re already decided to divorce. You have done the equivalent of allowing a raging alcoholic to still have "sips" of booze whenever they want. How well do you think that would help someone fight their alcoholism?

You are sharing your wife. Is that ok with you? If so, keep doing what you have been doing. If not, find one of Bigger’s posts on this subject and take note of his proposed script.

I think you should tell her that you're going to be doing the exact same thing moving forward. You're going to buy a second phone that she has no access to, you're going to flirt with strange women, and you aren't going to allow her to see any of your interactions. Tell her she has to trust you. Then watch it start to eat her up from the inside.

She had deleted a lot of the lovey dovey stuff from her iPad but think she was afraid I told his wife

So why haven’t you told his wife?
If she expects you to be fine with her ongoing communications and there is (according to her) nothing wrong going on then why shouldn’t his wife be expected to be fine with this friendship?

Telling her to end the affair but that it’s OK to remain in communications... that’s like telling an alcoholic that it’s OK to drink a quart – as long as it’s at an AA meeting... won’t really get anyone sober.

She has the phone locked because of the non-sexual and definitely not of her but yet explicit pictures... WTF! Is she afraid that you might see explicit and non-sexual photos that she finds on the net (because it’s not her...) and you could probably find yourself on the unlocked net? Or... is she still sharing pics of herself... What sounds more logical?

-
Finally – and this shows my age...
I wonder what’s happening in the head of people that share intimate images with their lovers... OK – it might be OK between long-term partners, but the number of people – especially women – that have had issues because Dave (you know Dave, the cute guy from the pub...) shares the pics of Samantha displaying her assets because he asked her... it’s mind staggering.
Imagine your kid coming home from school because the schoolyard bully shouts that there is a pic of junior’s mom’s privates on amateurhornywomenshowingitalldotcom.

I believe the sharing of the random pics is a smokescreen. Her real pics that she’s been sending are on the locked phone.

Friend....it is so important to keep romance and intimacy between you two EXCLUSIVELY. Anything else is completely damaging and erodes and destroys God's plan for a truly intimate marriage. Learn about that...look into it. You both should be cherishing each other and fulfilling each other's needs and desires. Fantasy is dangerous and damaging.

Really ....put and end to it ASAP!! God says in Proverbs 5....

Proverbs 5:17, 19 KJV
[17] Let them be only thine own, And not strangers' with thee.
[19] Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; And be thou ravished always with her love.

Time to reset friend....there is Hope in the Lord's ways. Claim her as your own. Make her decide. Help her to see the error of her ways, and of late the error of your ways in being permissive. You got this.

I m actually convinced that there's still some kind of online sexual relationship going on
She says that that was in the past and she classes him more of a mate now
I even snapped at her and said why don't you just meet him in person, she said she didn't have any intention of meeting him in person
It's so bizarre, I mean she wanted her real identity masked but had 30 minute phone conversations, she told him her real name and the city she stayed in, all kinds of lovey dovey messages, exchanged explicit messages.got a photo sent of the man's penis after he had ejaculated and saved it to one of her old phones. Got herself off Over this man but hey she loves me
She ended the relationship. Which was not real in her own words but then got another phone to rekindle the messages and whatever else was going on
Worst of all is that I feel.like I ve done something g wrong in constantly questioning her
I.m in the process of confronting her as the last week or so I ve been alerted to her whatsapp activity
I put a last seen tracker on her phone number and although I use WhatsApp to.message her , the last seen on.my phone under her name is different to the one used on tracker
Although this activity doesn't mean that she's actively messaging someone, the logs seem to.indicate activity after I go to work at 8 am and numerous last seen messages throughout the day
She was cooking tea last night and it came on my phone that she was using whatsapp at 5 pm , the tracker said last used 5.24 , I got home at 5.30, coincidence ?
She doesn't speak to the man on whatsapp, she uses her samsung phone for that so has she moved onto someone else for her thrills or am I being paranoid
She plays a lot of online pool games which she has her phone in a different position but then she has the phone in a upright position and it as though she's received a message but she's reluctant to reply as I m sitting g 5 yards away
Remember that this is the kind of behaviour I witnessed before I discovered her relationship
Am I imagining things or what

Many years ago I worked for a private investigator and the best advice he gave me was "Kid, always trust your instincts. If you think something is off it probably is."

That advice helped me figure out my wife of 20 years, my partner of 27 years, was sexting with a 40 year old married coworker.

I think your instincts and suspicions are spot on. If you truly believe she can put in the effort to fix herself AND be the type of partner you can be happy and secure with for the rest of your life then deliver the ultimatum that she comes clean on everything.

Start with this, ask her if she had told you everything and if she answers with yes then ask her if she is willing to take a polygraph test. If she says no problem that is a good sign. If she says no, that's a very bad sign. If she tries to deflect from the question, very bad sign.

You did nothing wrong. You did not cause her to have an affair. She is broken and only she can fix herself. Drop the ultimatum and take away her power. You decide for you what is in your best interests

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:44 PM, Thursday, November 14th]

No you are not imagining things. Honestly it is bizarre to me you are not really making her actions an issue. She has a secret phone....she has an affair...like a real connection with this guy. Do you want an exclusive marriage with her? You should. It is God's design.

On the whatsaap front it was my daughter she was messaging so that's a relief
She told me that she would change her passcode on the samsung phone so I can take a look
She seems to be telling the truth about the relationship status of her and this man, she doesn't love him and there are more like friends
We ve been married for 22 years and neither of us have been with anyone else physically
Whatever it is she needed to get it out of her system and the fact that she refuses to meet him in person speaks volumes
Do I fully trust her, honestly I m at about 90 percent, because of her past indiscretions it's only natural to be cautious but we as a couple seem to have weathered the storm

May I suggest that she read How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair by Linda MacDonald? I suggest that you both read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Keeping him as a friend continues the affair, regardless of whether or not they are sexting. Them continuing to speak puts them at risk of continuing/resuming their behavior.

I actually thought the were still sexting but looks as though that fizzled out, there's no lovey dovey stuff either, the phone calls stopped over a year ago so it looks like my wifes being honest
Am I taking a gamble , most probably but I ve been through so much with all this I have to just try to trust her

Does she at least understand why you have your guard up?

Yes thankfully she can see it from my point of view
When you have went through something like that it has a profound affect on your mental health
Will she do anything like that again. Only time will tell
She's forever on her phone, mostly playing in this pool group
Social media has caused so much trouble in relationships
Don't think cheating was common in past to the extent it is now and that was due to having meet folk in person so it tended to bee s local thing now it's global
O for those old days once more