SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:13 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

You’ve been heard, poet.

Maybe try the 180. There’s a post for the simplified 180 in the JFO forum. The 180 helps you detach emotionally and mentally and gives your brain space to breathe. It gives you a little respite from the chaos of infidelity and a WS who doesn’t get it. This may help you build up the strength you need to make your next step.

Are you in IC? Going to Al-anon appointments? You need help. You DESERVE help. You deserve better than what your WS is giving.

(((Hugs)))

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:13 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

Hi, torturedpoet.

I just read through your initial post as well as this one.

I know it's hard to pull yourself up from the pits of hell, been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

Gently, your husband is not a good candidate for R, IMO, he doesn't have any respect for you judging by what you wrote, and he is not really doing anything to help your marriage move forward. Transparency and honesty are key, he's not giving you any of that. When I found out about my WH affair, I was given access to everything including his work emails/voicemails, phone, laptop, I had access to everything.

Additionally, his extensive work travel pretty much came to a screeching halt, the trust was gone, his A was with a co-worker who lived across the country. I asked him to find another job, took about 6-7 months but he did, and his travel was cut down by probably 85%. I went with him on several work trips, AND he stopped socializing on the job. If he traveled, he went straight to his room after the work day and ordered room Service. Everything to help me feel safe again, and despite all of that, it took YEARS to rebuild trust.

Secondly, your husband has a serious drinking problem. Staying out to all hours of the night? He's acting like a single man. He should be home helping with the daily tasks and working his A$$ off to become a safe partner. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and the effects on me and my siblings were immeasurable. We carried a great deal of baggage for a long time. Think about your children and how this toxicity in your home is affecting them. Maybe that will motivate you to take action.

Please meet with your MD for temporary medications to help you cope. Many of us here took them to get through the darkest valleys.

I isolated myself in those early days as well, it was a huge mistake because I think getting out of my environment more would have saved a bit of my sanity. Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself some grace, maybe every morning make a short list of things that need to get done or something that you can do for yourself daily to get your motivation back again. Take a long walk, have coffee with a friend, volunteer, anything to get you motivated again.

I feel for you bc I dealt with an alcoholic father and a spouse cheater, I can't imagine the pain you are in trying to cope with both simultaneously. (((hugs)))

I feel so stuck, both ways suck.

^^This!

I’m about a year and a half out from D-Day of my WH one month long affair and this feeling has always been with me. Two options as far as I see it 1. Stay with a cheating POS or 2. Divorce and lose half the custody of my child and half my house that I have paid off solely.

I chose option 1 but it sure isn’t easy. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve wanted him to leave and never to see him again. But as time passes those feelings are becoming less often and less intense. BUT my WH has and continues doing a lot of work on himself and our marriage. I honestly don’t think I could stay if he didn’t.

You have been heard and IMO your husband isn’t doing enough to deserve your love. It is hard to get the strength to make these decisions but once you heal yourself (forget about the M) you will be able to. See a doctor, or therapist and do lots of self care such as exercise, hobby’s, visiting friends. Virtual hugs

I am sorry you are dealing with a lying cheating selfish addict.

I often wonder why people assume the D means you lose 50% of your time with kids. Let’s face it - dies the cheater NOW spend time with kids? Do you think once Divorced a lying cheating alcoholic is going to willingly alter their lifestyle and start putting the kids first?

Your kids deserve a happy productive parents who puts them first. Right now you are it. No one should stay together for their kids when there are options.

If you want to D or S, do it! Do not remain stuck because you assume you will lose time either your kids. While the court CAN award 50/50 custody, it may not actually work out that way.

See a professional counselor who has dealt with cheating alcoholic spouses who can support you. Scheduling should be your top priority for YOU.

If you did the 180 and he "upped his antics" then that is proof YOU need to put yourself first. And if he chose to retaliate that means you need to completely disengage from him.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your actions, because lack of actions (consequences) are still actions, show your WS that he can do what he wants with minimal consequences.
You have all the agency in the world to stop accepting this disrespect.

Yes. Both ways suck. But ...

If you stay, you doom yourself to repetitiosn of his violating your boundaries.

If you leave, you remove a source of new pain from your life, at least to some extent.

A person in an active addiction cannot R. That makes D much more attractive than it otherwise would be.

My heart goes out to the addict. I just doubt that sticking with an addict is good for anybody. Check out Karpman's Drama Triangle for some very good insights.

Also, have you tried Alanon?

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:13 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

I believe no matter what comes of this conversation, you will be better off for having had it.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:13 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

So sorry you are not being met with the attitude of doing anything it takes to honor your willingness to even consider R like you deserve.

I stated that I’m not necessarily trying to get him to do anything, I’m telling him what I can’t live with.

This was a perfect statement. Now you simply need to accept nothing less. If he continues to balk or bully, just ask him to begin looking for a rental and start the process of legal separation perhaps. He should be desperate to prove that you are more valuable to him than anything else no matter what it costs him.

You do realize he's gaslighting you so that you'll drop it and continue rugsweeping? What is he, 14 years old. My kids did this shit when they were teenagers.