SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

first, I would stop the self blame and I would also stop crying in front of her. It makes you look weak and makes her feel more in control.

Secondly, Hellfire is on this completely. Don't be the White Knight. I am sure your wife isn't perfect and if she went into a depressive hole and you started an affair with a long past ex, do you think she would be playing the pick me dance ? Or serving you papers.

You need a sense of control and a gameplan or vision. Without that, you have already lost.

Why did she have to pick an ex anyway ?

The other betrayed spouse should be in the loop to kill this affair. She has a right to know.

This is going to end badly if you don't have a gameplan, be decisive and put your foot down.

Deal with the infidelity and kill it, make a decision on where you want to go and stop blaming yourself. It gives her power and control

glad you are getting help with the alcoholism.

In the end, either way, you will be better off for it.

You are fixing yourself. Make sure she is.

I hope it was only EA and not PA

Hey Western, appreciate you taking the time to write some advice. I agree with most of what you are saying. Just coming in with a few responses and updates

I hope it was only EA and not PA

Same, but I think it would have been hard to coordinate this considering she was only somewhat close by him once when I wasn't around (around a 6 hour drive) but she was staying at her parents. And also he has 2 boys, one of them was just born before the emotional affair started, so it would have been hard to leave his wife for a few days randomly, especially since the AP and his wife work at the same company so he wouldn't be able to use a work trip as an excuse. But I do acknowledge it could have been possible.

Either way I am getting a DNA test on the baby in a few weeks. Its the best I can do since a lie detector test isn't possible.

Secondly, Hellfire is on this completely. Don't be the White Knight. I am sure your wife isn't perfect and if she went into a depressive hole and you started an affair with a long past ex, do you think she would be playing the pick me dance ? Or serving you papers.

Yeah again my goal was just to help show her the husband I can be, probably a bad move, but (and I told her this directly a few days ago) that this was just an example of how I can be if we get back to a good place and if she wants this guy who goes of his way to make her feel special then she has to earn it.

I would stop the self blame and I would also stop crying in front of her. It makes you look weak and makes her feel more in control.

I agree with not being too emotional around her. I talked to my therapist about how I can help regulate myself and he gave me some really good techniques to use. I feel I've done a really good job lately putting a certain distance on my wife and not being too emotional.

I still need to provide a certain level of comfort in our environment for her so that the baby isn't feeling a bunch of stress hormones all the time, and to help her out when she is feeling the effects of pregnancy Plus, I believe its important to encourage the positive actions that she is giving me and to let her know if she keeps doing them, plus meeting my other needs, that we have a good chance of R.

But I agree, I need to not put her in a position where she feels like everything is okay between us and that shes gotten away with anything. And I've taken on a more reciprocal role for the positive responses (i.e. only saying something nice to her if she says a few complements to me) while relaying the harsh truth of how I am feeling/where we stand.

Since Thursday, I made it very clear she was in the driver seat on our R and have reiterated several times she needs to step up in this process. Yesterday, I was the most direct with this by saying;

1) We are very much not in the clear, and that one of the scenarios in which we don't work out is if she doesn't do more in trying to meet my needs for R (the other being betraying my trust again in anyway and not making us the #1 priority).

2) She cannot just rely on MC and IC to fix our marriage (she admitted to relying mainly on this and coasting otherwise). Those two things only happen once a week and she needs to do something every day to make things better. I told her I am in a support group in order to navigate how to handle things on my end and suggested she do something similar, or at least do a lot more research on how she can help fix things outside of therapy.

3) (After going through an exercise in our couples book describing what she felt before the marriage) I went and picked apart every emotion that she had, saying that they all could have been dealt with if she properly communicated with me her feelings at the time and told me to what extent my drinking was damaging our relationships for her, but instead she chose to betray me and neglect me.

4) I also dispelled the narrative that "things would have been different if I wasn't drinking/withdrawing so much" by pointing out that she has been following an ex that she has unresolved feelings for since we started dating and that she has been on and off liking his social media posts. Showing her that the elements were always there for her to cheat on me no matter what I did because she left herself in that scenario. She eventually said she agreed with what I was saying and that she wouldn't bring that up again in MC (which I will take note of).

The big thing I am really struggling with right now is her victim mentality and low self esteem. I feel I have done a good job relaying my needs and feelings in a way without yelling at her or insulting her. However, she still is taking a lot of my feedback as an attack on her. So for example (and this is coming from what she has admitted over several conversations)

- Me saying I am not feeling like she isn't meeting some of my R needs = you have a checklist that I am not meeting

- Me asking to speak about how I am feeling about our relationship = you are going to tell me I am doing a shit job

- Me saying that I like to feel you are taking in what I am saying and using that information to do something to make me feel special = I am not doing enough for you and failing

And this victim mentality was a huge part of her excuses for cheating (she told me she never thought I would change for her or that I didn't care about her feelings anymore, and she made those conclusions without ever talking to me or giving me a chance ot prove her wrong).

I have called her out on it several times over the last few days and asked her to make it a big point of conversation with her therapist over the next few sessions.

So she is gone with her mom now on a trip. I will see her on Friday and will update you all on Thursday how she is dealing with the process/my feedback yesterday.

For now I am using this break as a time to reset my mental (yesterday's conversation was very taxing, also we had our wedding anniversary Friday and that was a huge day of depression for me), and focus on my physical health.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 4:21 PM, Sunday, June 18th]

Set requirements for you to CONSIDER reconciliation.

At minimum, they should be...

IC. She needs to dig deep,and figure out why she cheated.

No blame,no anger, no defensiveness.

Std testing.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

She removes as many tangible triggers as possible.

She answers all of your questions, with complete honesty.

She is proactive in healing the damage she's caused.

She works to become a safe partner.

She understands this process with take years. Actually, it never really ends.

She establishes boundaries.

No opposite sex friends, unless you're ok with it.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

You..should get tested for stds. See an attorney, and find out what divorce looks like. It will help you feel more in control, and it will send a message to her that reconciliation is not a foregone conclusion. Take care of yourself, and watch her actions.

Don't mistake her being nice,or more sex, as her doing the work to become safe. None of that is that work.

It's ok to be mad. You need to let her see that. Otherwise,it's like poison, and it will eat away at you. You don't need to make everything a warm,loving environment for her. Reconciliation is hard. It's painful. It's angry. It's loving. It's all kinds of things. She needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You are on a roller coaster of emotions. She put you there. If she wants reconciliation, she needs to buckle up.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:51 PM, Sunday, June 18th]

IC. She needs to dig deep,and figure out why she cheated.

She has session 3 this week.

No blame,no anger, no defensiveness.

This is being done except for the victim mentality (which is a defensive mechanism I know). I am hoping she works on that.

Std testing.

Done on Friday

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

I have full access to her phone whenever I want. I am trying to be random about it, but I haven't seen anything suspicious on there yet.

She removes as many tangible triggers as possible.

Do you mean cheating triggers? I think thats being done, but maybe something to bring up.

She answers all of your questions, with complete honesty.

She is still holding back her emotions when talking to me about our relationship, she tends to just agree with what I am saying and I can tell she is thinking other things. Otherwise its been honest.

She is proactive in healing the damage she's caused.

Hoping she does more this week. Although she has written me several notes over the last 2 weeks thanking me for giving her another chance and letting me know I am her priority (writing notes is a big love expression for you). She has also apologized several times this week for her actions. She also started to say I love you again to me, but I am not saying it back...and told her I probably won't for a long time.

She works to become a safe partner.

Yeah that will take time and therapy on her end. Her victim mentality, lack of communication with me and need for validation are still big red flags she needs to resolve. I know a lot of this is manifested in childhood trauma.

She understands this process with take years. Actually, it never really ends.

Relayed that several times.

She establishes boundaries.

How so? You mean boundaries in terms of her not being tempted to cheat again?

No opposite sex friends, unless you're ok with it.

I've seen who she talks to in her texts and instagram. Not worried about anything so far. But keeping an eye out.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

Yeah I need to do some soul searching on this. But I feel like I've relayed a few things I need.

You..should get tested for stds. See an attorney, and find out what divorce looks like. It will help you feel more in control, and it will send a message to her that reconciliation is not a foregone conclusion. Take care of yourself, and watch her actions.

I have an attorney in mind, but I don't want to pull the trigger on that unless there is a big setback.

Don't mistake her being nice,or more sex, as her doing the work to become safe. None of that is that work.

Yeah I need more for sure. But there has been steps done on her end to improve our marriage. I won't take away the fact that she is doing IC, confronting really serious childhood trauma, and making more effort to make me feel reassured that I am her priority. But again I do need more. I've been neglected a long time and I need more action from her that I am seen, heard and made to feel special. I told her this yesterday, I will see how she steps up over the next few days.

It's ok to be mad. You need to let her see that. Otherwise,it's like poison, and it will eat away at you. You don't need to make everything a warm,loving environment for her. Reconciliation is hard. It's painful. It's angry. It's loving. It's all kinds of things. She needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You are on a roller coaster of emotions. She put you there. If she wants reconciliation, she needs to buckle up.

I let her know that I am mad about her excuses, the affair and how I was neglected by her. However, I am not going to yell or insult her. I don't want to bring that level of stress into our R process. I am not going to risk a miscarriage.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 5:52 PM, Sunday, June 18th]

Hey there.
Wanted to clarify that seeing a lawyer (or three) is NOT to file. It’s to educate yourself on what D might look like. With kids in the mix, it’s critical to have a clear picture of the options, especially if the unborn child is not yours. Knowledge is power and by taking away the unknowns, you will be able to better advocate for yourself and your future. If you end up R, then no problem. We don’t recommend telling her — like SI, this is to help YOU.

And showing anger is not the same as yelling or calling names. But make sure she knows you are angry and hurt. I understand and respect that you do not want to add to the stress the unborn kid is feeling, but your health and welfare matters too. Do not hold it in, but fair to be careful how you express it.

Boundaries are about how she interacts with the rest of the world. Read the short book "not just friends"— it has great definitions of boundaries using windows and walls as the analogies. But she needs to protect your marriage. This means keeping interactions with the opposite sex benign- no flirting, being coy, etc. She has to actively avoid the slippery slopes.

Hang in there.

Part of the reason she cheated was poor boundaries. She needs to put up walls with men. She also needs to learn how to put up boundaries with everyone...friends,family,etc, to safeguard the marriage.

I'm reading that she is saying a lot..letters,compliments, etc. Those are nice. As long as they're in addition to consistent, remorseful actions.

No opposite sex friends, unless you're ok with it.

I don't agree with these kind of restrictions. They are more controlling than boundaries. If she is going to cheat then she will cheat no matter how many restrictions and conditions you put on her. You can go for temporary policing to make sure she is being honest with you, affair has really ended, NC hasn't been broken and there are no more new affairs. This will help you decide which path to choose. Once you decide to reconcile you should be done away with policing and similar controlling measures. Telling her who she should hang out with and who not isn't going to help her. You can't just take away her social life, privacy and autonomy forever. These restrictions will create their own set of issues for her and that will harm your marriage. So, be careful and thoughtful regarding what you want her to sacrifice and how much of radical change she needs to bring in her personality and life. She is still her own person with her own life. This could only solidify her victim mentality.

What she needs to do is place strict boundaries between her and her male friends. She needs to change herself not for you or this marriage but for herself. She needs to realize that her behavior is unsafe even for her. She needs to do it for herself. Only then you can be sure that any positive changes she will bring will be permanent and you won't have to worry about what she is doing with whom anymore.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 6:29 PM, Sunday, June 18th]

Yeah I am really not looking to be controlling either. That will just put me in a jealously spiral and, based on my attachment issues, I won't be able to get out of that if we reconcile.

I will bring up the boundaries thing though in MC, thank you Barely, Hellfire and Lurking for the clarification on that. There isn't anyone I feel threatened by but when I looked through her social media/messages I did see;

1) There are a few guys who like almost every social media post shes has and also saw they look at her stories, some married and some not. But they don't really message her. So likely they are just old friends/acquaitences who are now lurkers and jack off to her.

2) She does send or get memes back and forth from her best friends brother every day (he REALLY isn't a threat from an attractiveness standpoint, and I know shes known him since he was like 10, so she looks at him more like a surrogate brother.) But still I want to call out that this guy likely has a crush on her and if its appropriate for him to message my WW every day or if she should be at setting some boundaries with him.

That being said, day 1 of being apart I think went really well. She messaged me back and forth at different 3 times during the day and we talked at night for 45 minutes. We talked a bit about how her low self esteem is a huge issue in our relationship that needs to get addressed ASAP (I also acknowledged that I need to work on my flaws too, but made sure to highlight how her self esteem has caused issues in our relationship since the very beginning).

She said she already has a book about how to love herself, has brought it up in therapy and later in the night she told me she downloaded 2 more audio books on how to help repair a marriage after infidelity and on self-esteem.

She also told me how she wanted to plan a special evening with me when we visit my family in 2 weeks complete with my favorite movie and hanging out by the campfire at night. So that definietly made me feel special. This time definitely feels easier for me to handle vs when she went away for a weekend earlier this month.

I am also very happy that I finally hit in the 240s for my weight (been hovering 258-264 before I quit alcohol) and went down a pant size yesterday. Working on my health has really boosted my self esteem over the last few days. For the first time this week I feel like I am able to watch movies again and pay attention (John Wick 4 is amazing), not feel any sort of anger or hurt when thinking about what my wife did with the AP, and am having a more positive outlook with my life no matter the outcome of the situation with my wife.

Wasn't planning to post for a few days but some notable updates happened yesterday I wanted to share. (again writing this out really helps me)

My WW was on day 2 of her mother daughter trip yesterday, still did a good job of messaging me a few times throughout the day despite having a full schedule, and making some time to video chat with me at the end of the day via zoom.

On our zoom call I brought up boundaries with other guys and she seemed receptive to it. I didn't want to be controlling so I left it for her to set what she felt were appropriate boundaries with the guys who frequently like her pictures/look at her stories on social media, and with her brothers best friend. She told me she would message her friend this week and talk about what to do about her brother and also ask her best friend to block the AP (her best friend still follows him on social media)

She also told me she listened to half an hour of a audio book yesterday morning on how to help a BS. Which definitely meant a lot to me.

I had a bad trigger moment at the gym, I was looking at myself in the mirror (I usually wear a hat) and it struck me that one of the few complements I got from my wife lately was she thought I look good in a backwards hat. Then I remembered that the dick pic I saw of the AP last month had him in a backwards cap. I also remembered that on the OBSs instagram there were several pictures of the AP in a backwards hat.

So I confronted my wife about it, she seemed a little thrown off and tried to tell me she didn't mean to imply that, and she thought of that complement while watching a tiktok (which she sent me before she made the suggestion). However, I told her its still very weird she brought that up to me after all this time together (I frequently wear hats) and that it was mentioned so closely after dday

We then went into the rabbit hole of her being attracted to me. She admitted she has work to do on her sexuality and is confident we can get to that point again. But I told her I was doubtful and that I haven't felt her attraction towards me in 6 out of the 8 years we've been together.

I do feel good about getting to a healthy place in the emotional connection and communication area again (so long as she puts in the effort and doesn't betray me again). But I am worried about the physical attraction side.

I don't see how we can get that part of our relationship back when our intimacy has only gone down since DDay while our emotional connection has gone up.

A lot of my insecurities stem from the fact that shes never dated a guy that looks like me (tall, muscular at the time, artistic type) and all of her celebrity crushes are shorter, preppy looking, clean cut guys (i.e. Colin Jost). The AP also has a very preppy style as well.

So this is probably going to weigh on the back of my mind for awhile, but I am still putting most of my effort on keeping in the moment and improving myself.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 2:26 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

It would be ok to make deleting her social media a requirement for reconciliation. Many ws do this,for at least a year or so.

Or,an alternative, is to delete all male friends who you don't know..just male family members.

Did she use social media to communicate with OM in any way? If so, that needs to disappear. Today.

Also..her best friend is following OM on SM? Does that mean the friend knew of the affair? If so,she needs to NC the friend. This person is not a friend of your marriage. She knew,and didn't tell you. She shared in your wife's excitement over OM. She knew your wife was making poor choices, and rather than get her our of this awful situation, she did nothing. She is not a true friend.

NC the best friend...boundaries.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:15 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Right now I would like to see what my WW does in response to our conversation yesterday, but I hope she deletes these guys who are liking/viewing all her photos/stories. If not I will see what other action she ends up taking and challenger her on it.

Yes, their entire online affair was on instagram as far as I know. But I don't want to go to the extreme of having her delete social media just yet.

We have too many judgy/nosey family and friends on both our ends. A lot of people already know Ive been acting off, and her just randomly deleting her social media would set off a lot of red flags for people. I would rather not bring that factor into our relationship right now when we really need to focus on us and getting things ready for the baby.

If I see any more red flags on social media I will request she deletes them. That being said I can't really police if she keeps off social media (too easy to create a fake account and hide/delete apps) so I am not sure how much good it will do to squash my insecurities.

I looked through her messages, she would get some comments and reactions from OM randomly in her stories, but I didn't see any regular conversations with anyone besides her best friends brother.

Her friend learned of the affair 2 weeks after DDay. My wife is too much of a rug sweeper/afraid of judgement to let anyone know what she was doing during the affair. So there was no encouragement there. Her friend (as far as I have seen and heard) is taking more of a neutral stance on this.

That being said the best friend still put up a picture of my wife last week on Instagram and I know the AP still follows her. I don't know if my WW's best friend remembers she still follows the AP or not, because they don't communicate at all as far as I know, but its still awkward.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 4:01 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Just know that deleting SM isn't extreme. It's one of the most basic requirements.

She can always tell anyone who asks,that she had been dedicating too much time to SM,and wanted a break. And leave it at that.

Why would he best friend start following OM, 2 weeks after dday? That's weird. Almost sounds like it was so your wife,and OM could still communicate, via a third person. Or, so your wife would still have a window into his life.

I don't know. Sounds sketchy.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:39 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

^^ I believe OP said Best friend found out about the affair 2 weeks after Dday, not started following AP at that time.

Yeah I am not ready to demand that yet Hellfire.

I recognize its not not the best approach, but I think it will be a backtrack if I demand a certain period off from social media and then be parinoid of what will happen when she gets back on. I'd rather her learn to be on social media, and make requests for her to change her social media habits, in a healthy way while the trauma of the A fallout is fresh.

Plus I can monitor anything suspicious better if she has social media still active and I would rather catch anything suspicious now while I am mentally prepared to walk away from the relationship, vs when we get to a point when things get better between us.

Finally, being able to look at her social media so far and understand if she has healthy boundaries or not is beneficial.

Best friend has been following the OM for over 9 years.

Ive seen my WW conversations with her best friend while looking through her phone, the only mention of OM between them is my WW saying the affair was the worst thing shes done in her life, that she is no longer in contact with him and she doesn't feel she can express her emotions to me of the A because my needs have to come first based on the book she read.

Also, I think her best friend doesn't view the affair as big of a deal because there was no physical contact involved.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 5:04 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Deleting SM is actually a good step. But,it should come from Ws own initiative.

Requesting her to establish more secure and appropriate boundaries is a good thing. I just hope both of you are in agreement regarding the 'appropriateness' of newly established boundaries.

Triggers are a normal part of BS life. Eventually, they will become less frequent, less random, and less impactful. Hope your wife knows this and is preparing to help you deal with these triggers.

If she had lost attraction for a very long time ago then I don't know what she could do to bring those feelings back. Is it possible to force feelings out of one person for another person? So, what's your plan B? If in case she fails to rekindle those lost feelings, then what? What should you and her be doing? Is it safe for you to continue to build life with her and add more and more stakes while you are completely uncertain if she can regain those lost feelings for you? This is such a big gamble. If it wasn't for the kid, I would have advised you not to take the gamble and just leave her. But, then advising you to stay for the kid is also not good advice. This is such a crappy situation.

Every person has their own 'types', but that doesn't they can't/won't date or marry people who are completely opposite to their types. That's what love is. It's highly unpredictable. We never know who we end up loving. So, just because you are not her type doesn't mean she never found you attractive or loved you. Appearance can only go so far. For serious commitment and long term relationship one should go beyond types. May be that's where she found you attractive enough to marry you.

I hope her best friend's "no big deal" attitude does not become a nuisance to your marriage. These people usually follow the "get over it" motto. I hope her friend doesn't villainise you for not getting over it.

she doesn't feel she can express her emotions to me of the A

What does she mean by it? What is there to express?

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 6:05 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

If she had lost attraction for a very long time ago then I don't know what she could do to bring those feelings back. Is it possible to force feelings out of one person for another person? So, what's your plan B? If in case she fails to rekindle those lost feelings, then what? What should you and her be doing? Is it safe for you to continue to build life with her and add more and more stakes while you are completely uncertain if she can regain those lost feelings for you? This is such a big gamble. If it wasn't for the kid, I would have advised you not to take the gamble and just leave her. But, then advising you to stay for the kid is also not good advice. This is such a crappy situation.

I am really hoping that my wife and the MC are right in that its because we never really established a good emotional bond that its the reason why the attraction faded. That being said I am not too optimistic on this theory based on the fact that things have taken a big drop in the intimacy phase (any intimacy, not just sex) after the hysterical bonding phase. Which I feel shouldnt be happening considering our communication and emotional support has never been better over these last 5 weeks.

Yeah there is nothing good about the situation, but like I have never put my best foot forward in being a good husband. I at least owe it to myself and my kid to see if things can be good if I do my best and she does as well (although I can't control that part).

What does she mean by it? What is there to express?

Her feelings about our marriage before the A and what she gave herself for justifications to do the A. Like I mentioned, we went over that already in our recovery exercise book last week, and I tore them all down with 1 response "Could have been different if you talked to me and gave me a chance."

Also I am sure she wants to talk more about how guilty and vile she feels for her actions in our MC sessions but I don't want to give her a victim voice so I am shutting that down whenever she brings it up.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:17 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Welp, just as I thought a very eventful weekend. To catch everyone up

- Thursday she unfollowed and removed from her Insta friends list any guy that tends to like and view a lot of her photos/stories on her instagram. It was at my request so I could feel safer about her being on the platform without being too controlling/removing her only form of contact with a lot of old college sorority friends. She also said she would take a break from instagram at my request if I still felt uneasy about her being on it. There was an old friend, who she said she doesn't view as a threat at all, that she was a little hesitant to remove. But eventually did. I had already read their messaging history before she brought this up and didn't see anything besides a few story comments between them over the last 2 years. But he views and likes her photos the most so I asked her to still remove him.

- Friday I flew down to see her inlaws. We had been apart Sunday-Thursday. I did check her phone a few times on Friday while she was getting ready, along with notifications throughout the weekend. Again I didn't really see anything suspicious, but that doesn't mean I am not still on alert.

- I decided later that weekend that I don't want to keep checking her phone anymore. The more I look at her phone the more parinoid I am becoming and its hurting my own recovery. I will still be alert for anything off, but I don't want the constant thoughts about what she is doing on her phone anymore. As many of you have said on here, if she is going to keep cheating, then she will find a way to do it without me knowing.

- Friday night we announced the pregnancy to her family, it was definitely a hard time for me. As much as I want to 100% believe the baby is mine, and that she only had an EA, I won't feel confident until the DNA test in 2 weeks. So everyone congratulating me came with a lot of internal sadness

- Our MC sessions have shifted from discovery/talking about the affair to marriage building tactics. We actually had a really good session on planning new daily routines (which she has done a good job of keeping with so far), and how to ask/express feelings to each other.

- Sunday was also a really tough day, we went to a dog party for her brothers dog and a lot of people there were asking about our honeymoon and events that we did in the last year with each other. Having to think about all the times we spent together that should be happy memories, but instead are tarnished with a hidden affair weighed a LOT on me. Later that night I told her I don't want to acknowledge any good memory we built since the start of my WW's A. Because its all ruined it for me. She said she wouldn't bring them up anymore.

- My WW has done a good job with reading her book to help her through her sexual trauma and attending her IC sessions. I wanted to just check in yesterday to see if she thought any differently about her reasoning before and during the A. A few new things came out that checked out to me, because they are echoing what I have been reading in the "I Can Relate" section of the forums. Namely

1) She was just looking for an escape. Mostly from our relationship, but also in general life stresses

2) She wasn't intending to have an A, but she slowly gave herself more and more permission to cheat

3) She mainly wanted his emotional support, but the rush of the sexts and pics helped with the escapism, she said she also felt guilty saying no to him

4) She became really turned off in the last 2 months when he was offering very little emotional support

5) She reiterated that she doesn't want to speak to him anymore, that the shame around the affair is so much that the thought of even talking to her AP makes her feel vile (she was crying when she said this).

[This message edited by Tav3n at 5:01 PM, Monday, June 26th]

Our MC sessions have shifted from discovery/talking about the affair to marriage building tactics.

So 5 weeks from dday,and a handful of MC sessions, and your MC is ready for the 2 of you to move on from talking about the affair, and your recovery.

Wow. That's insanely fast.

Yeah I get that viewpoint, but its the Gottman method. And its one of the only scientifically proven M rebuilding processes. Its a very strict process of

Couple assessment
Individual Assessment
Questionnairre
Results
Then a tailored plan focused on strengthening the relationship within "The Sound Relationship House"

Thats mainly why we are doing IC in conjunction. Almost all of my IC has been focused on anxiety triggers and how to deal with aspects of the affair. And all of her IC so far has been focused on the affair and what trauma helped lead her to justify those decisions.