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I’m so sorry another dagger had to hit your heart, you are perfectly justified to say "no more".
With a choice to D, your WH’s disposition toward you may change. Given his violent fantasies, I hope you will protect yourself.

Listen to InkHulk. You are not dealing with a normal person. I have worried for you every day. When I finally left a boyfriend (I use that term loosely) after 8 years who had constant rape fantasies, he became my stalker for another 15 years. I have only begun to feel totally safe because he died suddenly about 8 months ago. Your situation has disturbed me more than anything I've seen in this forum.

I am so proud of you for seeing the light and deciding you are done. We all have to get there in our own time.

I think D is your only option here.

I don’t see R as an option b/c you would have a hard time having a relationship w/ him and see him as a kind loving person.

I think the fact that he has so violated you will always be a source of pain if you had to be physically in his presence.

I am So sorry for you.

I’m often amazed at the naivety of the stories a WS tells.

Over the years I have worked with hundreds of people. Some I have gotten well along with, others not so much. Most I have or had a good working relationship with. Both men and women, older and younger than I. Some with more education, some with less…

Sometimes it’s purely business, but I also have friends that I know of their ailing parents or they share joy at my new child (more likely grandchild these days). Heck… some even know the name of my black lab, and that I like fishing.

But… NEVER. NEVER EVER… has a discussion gone from the status of a project or the newest cost-analysis to the health of my dog and then on to sexual fantasies…

Have yet to hear a new-member introduction ending with "I have a degree in management, a wife and two kids and I have a kink for bondage and water-sports and really get off being chocked when climaxing…". Heck… the most titillating I have heard to-date was my colleague that ended by sharing he was into paragliding (in a totally non-sexual way…).

I’m no prude… I would have more tolerance if it was a close friend or longtime buddy. But… a coworker? And "only sharing sexual fantasies" is OK?

And to expect us to take at face-value that it was literally sexual (as opposed to literally got sexual) and not physically? That the first stages of an affair are the written sexual sharing of what you might do?

In this time and age with metoo and the known serious consequences of sexual harassment?

I’m not going to state that it was physically sexual. Maybe it was "only" a stiff pen and not a stiff… well… you-know-what. But it’s still infidelity. Still an affair. Something tells me that despite MAYBE there not being any pure physical contact the context of the messaging got his blood running…

It’s like when they say that it was "only oral" or "I didn’t get an erection" and therefore it’s somehow "less". It’s like telling someone while they bleed to death "I only shot you once".

But then… what do I know… In these times and mores where it’s not only considered OK to send a dick-pick to invite someone to a date and where women might even accept that invite based on the picture then maybe I should end my next presentation by sharing that I’m into fidelity and prefer my sex with the same woman as the last decades.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:28 PM, Thursday, November 16th]

I am sorry. Please be sure to protect yourself and your daughter now that you have decided to D. I would also give the daughter a general gist of what’s going on without going into details, mainly for her safety.

I suspect this dark fantasy of his has been going on for many years. I also suspect he is the one initiating them. What are the odds of having two women that he is in touch with having the same fanstasy of hurting you? He’s the common denominator here and I am sure this has extended to multiple women over the years.

This is truly a nightmare and I can only wish you strength.

It still isn’t a bad idea for the cops to be involved. He isn’t a safe person for anyone.

Please please please share the entire situation with your attorney and what legal rights you have if there is more. You know there is more. He shared your images with a coworker. Not ok.
Also I don't remember but now you know there was opportunity for physical action. Please get full std testing. That means a pelvic exam and blood work to test for hepatitis and his.

Please please please protect yourself and your daughter.

Broken and Scared how are you holding up?
Don't be afraid to reach out even if our responses seem harsh. We care and want you to be safe and secure.

I’m holding up ok. I’ve actually been feeling a lot better in myself and today is the first day I’ve not cried since this happened. I’m trying to build a new life for myself and I’m feeling really positive. I have an appointment next week to see a solicitor and I will be telling them everything that’s happened.

My WS is really struggling now I have told him I am divorcing him as he was holding onto a glimmer of hope that we might R. After I told him we are definitely divorcing he went back to his messaging app and is sexting women again. He says he can’t help it, he’s addicted and has promised me that I won’t be bought into it this time. He says it’s a new account and he’s not messaging any of the same women as before but I am somewhat concerned as to where it could end up again. Part of me wants to go to the police so they can make a note of it just in case anything happens in the future but when I mentioned this to him he was terrified. He said they may not be happy to just make a note and may investigate him. I’m worried if I go to the police he may end it and I can’t have that on my conscience.

He is terrified of being investigated.

Because he's guilty of something.

I'm not talking about the so called fantasies. There's more that you don't know. You have to go to the police. You don't know everything that he's done. You and your daughter are in danger. Stop worrying so much about a man who has been getting off on talking to people about raping you..having them rape you. STOP.

Instead..think about your daughter. She is in danger. Maybe one of dad's insane affair partners decides to fulfill their fantasy and shows up at your house. Both of you are in danger. If something where to happen to her, could you live with that on your conscience? You need to worry about that, not the predator who enjoys your torture.

I'm so sorry that he has put you through all of this.

Your initial instincts were correct about how heinous his behavior was. If you look back through your timeline in retrospect I hope that you will see that his behavior has been entirely manipulative from the start. He gets off on controlling people. Manipulation is his normal tool but he longs for the complete control of rape and debasement. He will probably need a lot of therapy just to become a safe human being, never mind being a safe partner.

To even start that process he has to accept that he needs help and stop making excuses for why he can't get it. He may never get there and you are right not to wait around to find out.

He especially needs help if he is suicidal. It sounds like it's probably just a manipulation tool, but sometimes manipulators use it to get the last word. You are not responsible for that any more than you are responsible for the rest of his sick behavior. Talk to your therapist about the best way to handle those threats.

You can see his manipulation in the way his responses change by the moment. On one hand he claimed that it was all just a online fantasy so he didn't see it as a betrayal. On the other hand, when you asked how he could not feel bad about having such depraved fantasies directed at you he claimed that he was terribly ashamed. So he absolutely did know that it was wrong and a betrayal.

And now of course you find that someone at his work is involved. As others have said, it's very unlikely in these circumstances that his cheating has not been physical.

I understand that you believe that he would not harm you. But you can see as the lies continue to surface that there is a completely different person there than you thought. Change your locks. If you have to see him for any reason only do it in a safe, public place. Record everything.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. Best wishes.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 8:26 AM, Sunday, November 26th]

Run! Think about it later. Get out now. He sees you as his prey. Tell the police everything. Get to safety. He gets off on your pain. Save yourself now.

Other than just telling him you are divorcing what have you done?
The UK has some of the most stringent and best enforced revenge porn laws in the World. The fantasy about raping you and the uncondoned distribution of personal pictures is definitely a breach of that law. In the strongest way I can I suggest you contact a domestic-abuse/abused women’s hotline and get professional guidance on your best next steps.
Seeing as neither OW nor husband have acted out, the chances are a short visit by the police is all that will happen, but that visit will make it painfully clear to them that if Mrs. Brokenandscared1 is ever found online on an amateur porn-site or forum they will get to share time together – in separate prisons.

By acting on this you remove a potent weapon from their arsenal. They can’t control you with fear, and it makes the seriousness of the situation clear to you husband – who is carrying on as if nothing has happened.
Look – when you divorce chances are he will still have the pics of you. Once out of his life the importance of keeping them private diminishes. Once he stupidly shares them there is no longer any control about where they go. By stopping this NOW you are saving yourself a heapload of problems well into the future.

I wonder if his fear is based on what is on his computer. Perhaps child porn? Here in the states sending it is a crime. (Bigger is LEO so he can tell more about this). You mentioned solicitor which is a British term. UK or other countries so look up laws where you live. Don’t tell him you are doing it. He will get rid of it if you do.
He might be soliciting kids. It sounds like he has no boundaries.

I agree with others. Get away from him.

We've been saying all along..you don't know, what you don't know.

And you've since found out there is a local woman.

So what if he says he won't talk to people online about his raping you fantasy. You KNOW he is a liar. He continues to prove this.

Go to the police. Bigger is a former cop. Listen to him.

Tell the police he has made suicidal threats. They will be aware of that when they pay him a visit.

He is terrified of being investigated. Common sense tells you it's because he has done something criminal. You don't know what you don't know.

Your priority is to protect yourself, and your daughter.

You need to tell your daughter what he's been doing. It's extremely possible he has done something to her,or involving her. She may be scared to tell you,because she's seen how protective you are of him. You need to show her how protective you are of her.

I'm sure you dont,for a second, think he's done anything to her..or that he's also been sharing rape fantasies online, where she is the victim. Hear me..please..you didn't think,for one second, that he would be sharing rape fantasies about you,either. Until you saw proof.

You do not know this man. He is a predator. This isn't a one off. He's done this for a decade. This IS WHO HE IS.

You need to love her,more than him. You need to tell the police,and show them your evidence. You need to talk to your daughter.

I am so very worried about both of you. I know my posts are hard to read. I won't apologize for that. I'm trying to wake you up.

Could I be wrong about anyone showing up to your home? Or stalking you? Or that he's involved your daughter? Yes. But,I could also be very right. Why take the chance?

Add me to the pile of concerned folks. I worked for LE for almost 2 decades doing digital forensics in criminal investigations. He is abusing you each and every time he sends those pictures out, be it 2 times or 100 times. It is abuse every time one of those people looks at them. As far as you know he's just sent it to two women, however there are so many dark and twisted groups of likeminded people with these "fantasies" out there, you really don't know how far he has taken this or what he's involved in. 100% of the cases I worked of this nature escalated from "just fantasy". I don't want to scare you, but please protect yourself. At least make a report and let the police tell you what they can do for you.

Op, please check in.

I’m still here. Regarding the laws around revenge porn in the UK it is only considered a crime if the photos were shared with intent to cause to distress to the victim so I’m not sure if that would be applicable in my case. Luckily the photos don’t have my face in I cannot be identified from them. The OW told me she deleted the photos he sent but obviously I don’t know for sure. I am in touch with domestic and sexual abuse charity and they are going to contact me next week to carry out a risk assessment.

I do love my daughter more than him of course but I need to weigh up the risk of harm to us which is think is very very unlikely versus the risk of going to the police and him killing himself. I have only just started to get my life back on track and I cannot cope with anymore loss or turmoil. He is voluntarily giving me a large sum of money each month to pay all my bills. From a practical point of view if he wasn’t here doing that I would lose my home. I would also feel responsible for taking away my daughter’s father.

Anything that takes this creep away from his daughter is on him, not you. He is the cause of all of this, and he has no one to blame but himself. Please don't feel like this is your responsibility in any way.

You only know your face wasn't in the pics that you found.

He's back,messaging these same women. Or men. I think it's extremely unlikely he will no longer be indulging in this rape "fantasy" with other people. Especially now that he's mad at you. And he is mad. He may be too scared to tell you,but he's mad.

You don't know that these people can't find you.

Do you have a security system? Have you changed the locks on all of the doors, so he can't come in?

His long standing abuse of you is crystal clear in your comments. You can't go to the police, because this abuser might hurt himself,and then it's your fault. The truth is,he is responsible for his actions..all of them. The rape talk..and if he chooses to hurt himself. You are responsible for your safety,and the safety of your child. You're choosing to protect him.

Have you asked your daughter if he ever said,or did,anything that made her uncomfortable?

Also..this large sum of money will eventually end. He's only legally bound to whatever the court says. And, eventually, he will be with another woman(soon,since he's already looking for one), and she won't want money that he isn't legally obligated to give you,going to you,instead of their home.

He's scared of being investigated. Everyone he knows won't know he's being investigated unless he tells them. It's not front page news. He's not scared of being investigated. He's scared of being arrested. Because he knows he's committed a crime. Maybe they will run his DNA, and it will all come out.

We all have our own choices to make. And we all have to live with those consequences. I will pray for you,and your child.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:44 PM, Friday, December 1st]

Please check in Broken. How are you doing?