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I believe you are playing the long game with eyes on an amicable settlement. As long as her messages are infrequent and do not trigger you or cause you more pain, I think this strategy can work for you. You will get a sense soon when she is served if her attitude will become combative and hostile. Don't be surprised if she reacts this way. Keep on, keepin on!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:32 AM, Tuesday, August 15th]

I believe you are playing the long game with eyes on an amicable settlement.

Precisely this, as I have said previously she has made her decision and for my own sanity I would prefer the D process to be as straight-forward as possible, so I will try and keep this polite and non-argumentative for as long as possible, and during that time I am willing to put up with limited contact to move the process along.

I will also have to wait and see if her attitude changes when she receives the paperwork, but if she gets awkward I will just remind her that it was her decision to leave and end the marriage, and that this is the route by which she can marry her new beau if that is her intention. Although when I last asked her about his D, she said that she did not know how far along the process he was as they had not discussed it. That seemed very strange to me, surely after setting up home together she would be interested to know what is happening legally with his own M.

I have been served with my copy of the D application this morning so presumably STBXWW will also be receiving her copy today. It will be interesting to see if this provokes any negative form of contact.

Feelings are very mixed this morning, I knew it was coming, I had been chasing it up, but it was still unpleasant to see it written down, especially the words 'irreconcilable differences' which is the terminology used in the UK. Now have to wait 20 weeks before I can apply for the next stage, so early January 2024 which seems an age away.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It is very hard for non waywards.

I do not know what she could do to you in your country in terms of extracting more financially or possessions wise in your country but my experience is to be on guard legally for continued narrative controlling with more selfish and unjust behaviors.

It takes a lot of narrative shifting and a great deal of selfishness and lack of character to cheat and I underestimated what my EX WH was capable of.

BS do not think like waywards. We tend to have more empathy and morals.

Hi IAE,

Last we heard you received your copy of the divorce papers. It's a significant step.
We understand the mixed feelings.
How are you going processing the "Roller Coaster"?
And how did the STBXW respond?

We'd love an update
Regards,
FAWH

Hi FAWH

There has been no contact from STBXWW, she has been contacting me every 2 weeks as regular as clockwork and if she maintains that I will get contact within the next day or two. I am sure that she was shocked to receive the D papers, on the night she said that she was leaving we did briefly discuss the D process and she was very much that there was no rush to start the process.

She knew that I had filled out the form and that she had signed it, but I believe she did not expect me to file straight-away, she almost certainly thought that I just wanted it ready and would file at a future date when she was ready, she never expected to lose control and for me to take the initiative. Receiving the paperwork would have been her first indication that I had filed immediately. I expect that this shook her up and made the reality of the situation more stark.

I have had a mad couple of months, with decorating, wall art etc and have basically allowed myself to just go with the flow without trying to impose rigid behaviours. Now I am moving into a phase of setting up routines and adding some structure to my daily life, I need to settle into the next phase of my life.

Most things are going ok, the areas that I was most concerned about such as cooking and cleaning have turned out to be much easier than I thought they would be, I have discovered that there is satisfaction when you have fully cleaned and everything is sparkling. I have even got to grips with the garden by investing in some power tools to make my life easier.

The one area that I am still struggling with is the lack of physical contact. I am really missing having someone to cuddle, kiss and hug, which is very ironic considering I have not had this for a very long time even before she moved out, apart from the last few months. I will get used to it eventually but at this time is leading to some sad and difficult moments.

I don't know how you feel about pets but my pets get most of the cuddling in the house (Even though my husband and I are very happily married.) Just something to think about.

You don't want to rush into having someone to cuddle with until you're quite content being on your own, and on the far side of the divorce. Take your time. You will be glad you did.

Thanks for the update. I'm really happy how this is unfolding for you. You've handled this beautifully. Stay the course.

Hi IAE,

As always, it was good to read your update.
And I hope that you are coping with the latest interaction with your WW (assuming that she made contact).

I found your final comment an interesting reflection concerning your personal growth and relational expectations

The one area that I am still struggling with is the lack of physical contact. I am really missing having someone to cuddle, kiss and hug, which is very ironic considering I have not had this for a very long time even before she moved out...

The fact that you feel a discontent and desire emotional and physical contact suggests to me that you have grown in your expectations of what a healthy relationship should be like. You're not prepared to put up with the life that you experienced previously.
Are there other changes in your expectations of a healthy relationship that you have made or are considering?

And I hope that you relationship with your "female friend" is still healthy and fulfilling.
Regards,
FAWH.

Hi FAWH

Bang on schedule this morning I received an email from STBXWW, this one reminded me that it is the cats birthday (as if I could forget that).

This process has definitely made me take a long hard look at what I want from a relationship and what I have previously accepted. Needless to say I am now much clearer on what I will accept, and any relationship that does not provide that will not progress.

Thinking back I find it hard to believe how much I was willing to put up with, I mean who the heck gets upset if I don’t fold the pillowcases the right way. Now I invent new ways of folding them every time I change them, just for my amusement. Although in my defence I am only just realising that some of the things I thought were normal, having lived with them for 20 years, really are not.

So yes, any future relationship will be very different and will have to tick all of my major boxes, some of the minor items will be compromises as no relationship is ever going to be perfect.

Still very much friends with my female friend, I do not think it is ever going to be more than that. I have not made any more comments but just a few things she has said lead me to feel that she only wishes to be friends, and I am fine with that. There is an age gap between us and she feels that this is too large although I have pointed out that she is only 3 years older than my STBXWW.

Yesterday I bumped into one of STBXWW's friends in the supermarket. We were both going in the same direction so walked together and were talking. The first thing she commented on was how well I looked, and how happy. I am sure that will get passed on next time she speaks to STBXWW.

Yesterday I bumped into one of STBXWW's friends in the supermarket. We were both going in the same direction so walked together and were talking. The first thing she commented on was how well I looked, and how happy. I am sure that will get passed on next time she speaks to STBXWW.

We all hope she does pass it on the the ex. Your ex sounds sort of like she is developing some buyers remorse.

She didn’t mention the D papers? She’s in no rush because she isn’t sure about this side piece. He most likely isn’t leaving his marriage. The cat videos are her way of keeping you as a back up.
I understand that you miss the physical connection. Your WS might take advantage of this if she ever wants to come back. Have you thought about online dating?

Hi all, had a weird moment yesterday, I had the opportunity to sell the greehouse (long story) but realised that I was not ready yet to do so. That started me thinking about why I am still not ready to do things that are pretty irreversible (at least without great inconvenience and expense), I was wondering if it is normal to still feel that it is too soon to do some things (approx 11 weeks since she moved out).

I also questioned my motivation for this and this is going to sound very strange but I am not ready yet to completely admit that there is no chance of us still being together. There is still a small part of me that feels if she wanted to come back and we were able to agree changes to the M that would make it healthier I would agree to see how it went.

That was a bit uncomfortable admitting that to myself and I fully expect the comments that I believe I will get on this website. It does sound a bit pathetic, but at the moment that is where my mind is. I have still maintained no contact and will continue to do so, except for responding to her messages, when necessary.

I bumped into her walking friend yesterday in the supermarket and we had a brief chat, she also noted how happy I was looking and said that their walks have become infrequent, logistically it is difficult for them to meet now she is living in the countryside, it is different when she only had to walk round the corner. She also said that she does not appear to be any happier, surprise, surprise.

Personally I am still doing very well, I had a doctors consultation this week as I feel that it is time to come off the anti-depressants. He agreed that I appeared to be ready and we have sorted a managed withdrawal over the next 4 weeks, so hopefully by early October I should be off them completely. That to me will feel like a huge step and I will be completely in control of myself, not wondering how much these meds are affecting the chemicals in my head.

Awe, Dude. You were doing so well. I consider the second thoughts to be completely natural after living with someone for so long. I think maybe running into her, seeing her in person brought you back to the person YOU THOUGHT she was when in reality….she was/is a cheater, a liar and she is not a safe outlet for you. She’s sleeping with another man and living with him…..what about that makes you have these second thoughts? And yes please, get off those f-ing drugs as soon as you can….then you’ll be able to think more clearly.

Those thoughts creeping in every now and then are natural in such a significant trauma and change. As long as you stay the course, as you are, then they should present no lasting issue for you. If she comes crawling back you can deal with that then.

I believe I have suggested this to you before, or something similar.

Whenever those thoughts come creeping in, try as hard as you can to switch those thoughts to the present moment and nothing else. Tell yourself something along the lines of "what is the best use of my time at this moment in time that will help me become the best person I can be".

It can sometimes be difficult to do that. I do 20 minutes of meditation each morning before breakfast. If I am not careful some thoughts I do not want to have can invade my meditation. I have to remind myself to go back to my breathing and try to concentrate on my breathing and not think of anything else.

Anyway, know that those thoughts are very normal. Do not beat yourself up because they appear. 20 years with someone you don't forget overnight.

I applaud you on your success so far. Keep it up. Let us know when something like this occurs. We are all here to support you.

I read the Ravikant book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’. I listen to a piece of music everyday and do the exercise he suggests while it is on - it’s not hard to do. Breathing and repeating you love yourself. It felt daft at first, but several Months later it has done something in my brain. If I am overwhelmed I can listen to that piece and it makes me feel okay. Maybe not amazing but okay. I have now added another piece of music which I love anyway, different genre but it helps at different times. So pop on a song which you find relaxing and breathe out the bad thoughts (things that happened, negative thoughts) and breathe in ‘I love myself’. If you don’t really have any bad thoughts just breathe in and out ‘I love myself’. Don’t stop for the whole song, every breathe! It sounds mad but it really works for me.

There is still a small part of me that feels if she wanted to come back and we were able to agree changes to the M that would make it healthier I would agree to see how it went.

I don't think that in itself is a bad thing. If she had a true epiphany that what she did was evil towards you and your marriage and did the work to be a safer partner, your marriage could be fixable. The but is that's very unlikely to happen. If it was, she would have already been moving in that direction. At this point keep walking free. Hang onto the greenhouse. There will be other opportunities to sell once your heart catches up with your mind that she's not going to do the work to be safe. There's a difference between not mentally totally closing the door, and trying to drag your WS back through it.

Haha, almost starting to think my STBXWW must be marking the date in her diary. Exactly 2 weeks, to the day, after her last message I received several more asking a question about her amazon account, and how it is linked to mine. I managed to unlink the account so hers is now totally seperate and she can do whatever she wishes with it.

Then later the same day I got some more messaages to say that she is still having problems with her eyes, she is low priority for her eye operation, a grinning face emoji, a message to take care, and sending kisses to the cats.

A few months ago we were discussing paying to have the operation privately so this was carried out quicker, but that is now something she needs to sort out between herself and her new boyfriend.

I am having a bit of a rough week with the meds withdrawal effects, I knew it was coming so not surprised by how I am feeling, and I just need to ride out the next couple of weeks and then hopefully will feel better.

It's not at all pathetic that you would consider R should she show herself to be a good candidate. It means you really love her. It may happen that she turns around and realize the prize she is losing and do everything she can to fix this. Or she may not. No matter what you won't have regrets, as you have gotten yourself out of infidelity, but left the door slightly ajar just in case. (For a while.) Be proud of all you have done and are doing. Don't feel you have to move any faster or more quickly for the sake of strangers on the internet.