SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You've had great advice about shutting this shit down so I won't rehash.

But not telling your significant other about being married. That is a HUGE lie, if not outright, then most certainly by omission. If someone I was in love with enough to commit to spending the rest of my life with did this to me, I would break off everything. If a husband did this, I would divorce him outright. You have some serious issues if you think your excuse is valid. It's not. Please get into counseling. The fact that you justified this points to some serious issues you haven't dealt with. I don't think it means your moral compass is broken or that you're just a liar. I do think it means a part of you is still broken and it's a significant part. I only hope that you don't rugsweep.

And your ex sounds looney tunes. Be careful. Stay safe

First off, not revealing some extremely relevant issues about your past is troubling. You didn't "forget" you had been married--you just chose not to reveal that detail. If I were your fiancee, I would be very concerned about this.

Secondly, are you in your 40s or 50s? The reason I'm asking is if your fiancee is mid-thirties and you are mid-to-late 40s or 50s, that's a pretty significant age difference. Have you discussed this? It's not only significant now, but it will be quite significant later when you might be ready to retire and she's entering some of the more productive years of her career.

With regards to the XW, no contact. None. It's been 13 years and she brings nothing relevant to the party. If she wants to apologize to you, she can do so in a letter. Or a phone call. The fact that she's still stalking you is beyond troublesome.

No is a complete sentence.

Cat

If you hadn't tried hiding the fact that you were married to begin with it probably wouldn't have gone this far.

In my defense, I haven't thought about my XWW, or my hometown, or my old friends for years.

Dude seriously? That's not a defense. And if it sounds that ridiculous in writing I imagine it sounds just as ridiculous, if not more so, hearing that "defense" out loud.

What you forgot you were married entirely and just didn't bring it up??? Ya if I were your fiance I would be seriously concerned with you hiding something like that. It doesn't paint you in the best light. She's probably wondering what you had to hide seeing how you neglected to mention you had a previous marriage entirely. Or what else you've lied about and hidden from her.

Use some common sense man. You don't lie about or omit things like that to your significant other, especially one you're engaged to. That's a pretty huge red flag against you. I'm sure she's having some doubts now. Honestly she'd be within her rights to call off the wedding. If she was a friend/relative of mine I'd tell her at least to postpone any wedding plans until you prove you can actually be trusted.

But as far as your XWW goes you need to shut that down entirely. If your fiance wants to meet her there's nothing you can really do to stop it. But the fact that this woman basically tracked you down to interfere in your engagement is not a great sign. You went through great lengths to get her out of your life. You shouldn't even be humoring this.

[This message edited by JS84 at 2:53 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

As I said earlier, I understand where your fiancee is coming from, but I'm also trying to imagine how she thinks meeting your XWW would play out. She can't exactly say, "Your ex tells me that you were so scary and toxic that he abandoned his life, changed his name, and so thoroughly blocked you from his memory that it didn't occur to him to mention you were married. I need to confirm that you really are that awful, so that I know he's not on the run from the law or in witness protection or paranoid or a pathological liar."

Even if you assume that she can come up with a tactful way to express this, XWW is almost certainly going to lie. She's already playing your poor fiancee, who wants to connect with a person who can make sense of any part of your story. So there's no benefit to them being in the same room, but you go hard line and refuse to participate, it would be reasonable for her to wonder what you're still hiding. Every day, we tell BS here that if their spouse lies and then says "it's my way or the highway," they should choose the highway. I'm assuming you don't want that, so it's time to explain yourself as thoroughly as possible ("in my defense, I really just forgot" won't cut it), and to be very proactive in finding alternatives to get her what she needs.

Are there documents, court records, former friends, anyone/anything you can use to prove your story without the help of XWW? Things your fiancee can independently verify, rather than relying on someone who obviously has an agenda in tracking you down?

And yes, therapy, lots of therapy. Forgetting to mention a previous marriage is a big red flag. Your fiancee is correct that you have unprocessed trauma to deal with. She's just trying to figure out how to approach it.

I think your fiancée is INSANE for thinking the solution to her problem is meeting your XWW instead of dumping you and running for the hills.

Not telling her that you were married before is a MASSIVELY significant lie. Face it dude, you didn't 'forget', you just didn't want to bring it up.

Don't try to defend the indefensible, it just makes you look worse.

Yes you should have told your fiancee you had gone through a D 13 years ago, however it shouldn't be that difficult for her to understand you did not want to revisit your past and tried to block it, you even changed your name for gods sake, OTOH this should be YOUR decision only, if you allow your fiance to go against your wishes here you would be setting a very bad precedent for your M.

You and her should be able to veto any relationship with an ex or any other person for that matter, if she refuses and digs her heels on something like this I would put off the wedding until further notice, this is a huge red flag, like only gets more complicated, what's next an ex-boyfriend she will insist you meet ? wanting to become pals with your XWW ? This should be a clear cut case of you telling her NO, that you will NOT be forced to meet the one person who distroyed your life PERIOD, no questions asked, end of story.

Several things here:

I think you were remiss regarding telling your fiancee about your previous marriage. Even though it's a chapter of your life that you wanted to keep closed, you still should have told her.

Now here you have your still-crazy ex tracking your fiancee down. Even if your ex has no intention of doing you physical harm, she is trying to push herself back into your life.

Your fiancee had no right to unilaterally decide to open up that can of worms because she thinks you need closure. Your fiancee has poor boundaries and disrespect toward you. If it were me I'd be furious with her for putting you in that situation. Every aspect of this situation would make me want to take a few steps back and re-evaluate the relationship.

ibonnie

Is there any chance she could have had your baby and is planning to spring that on you? I can't imagine what else could possibly not be covered in a video chat. If we can visit family and go to school and do virtual doctor's visits right now, a video chat with an X you'd rather not see should suffice.

Realistically? No. I'm not very sure when I was last intimate with XWW, either '06 or '07. But my hometown was small, and I saw her at least once a month (usually in passing, her emotional support always involved calling me, or emailing me). So if she was pregnant, I should have seen it by the time I left in '08.

Could she be springing a kid on me that isn't actually mine and claim it's mine. Yeah, yeah that was exactly the type of shit she would be capable of pulling.

Carissima

Were you just going to spring it on her when you went to get your marriage license or were you intending to lie on the paperwork for your marriage too?

Also a point that my fiance brought up when my XWW first contacted her. I don't know what I would have done. I would like to think that I would have told her everything.

StillLivin

But not telling your significant other about being married. That is a HUGE lie, if not outright, then most certainly by omission. If someone I was in love with enough to commit to spending the rest of my life with did this to me, I would break off everything. If a husband did this, I would divorce him outright. You have some serious issues if you think your excuse is valid. It's not.

Yes, I realize that. For the record, I am not trying to justify it. I realize now that that's how it came across.

Just explaining how my actions led to me being here, and my current relationship being strained (if not entirely on the rocks with no clue if it can be salvaged).

Catwoman

First off, not revealing some extremely relevant issues about your past is troubling. You didn't "forget" you had been married--you just chose not to reveal that detail. If I were your fiancee, I would be very concerned about this.

To say that I "forgot" is definitely incorrect. But I did not purposefully hide it from her, or omit. Though it is definitely what concerns my fiance. She feels that my version of coping is to not think about things. That I, to quote her words, "You put yourself in a box, and allow select things in. Anything that doesn't fit, you just pretend doesn't exist."

She's probably right, it has her rightly concerned. I know people with this mentality and it's mindboggling. I know that if I am doing it, it's unhealthy, and disruptive, and a dozen other varieties of bad.

Specifically, her concerns are that I put 3/4 of my life in a box. In an effort to try and erase it because of 3-6 tainted years.

Secondly, are you in your 40s or 50s? The reason I'm asking is if your fiancee is mid-thirties and you are mid-to-late 40s or 50s, that's a pretty significant age difference. Have you discussed this? It's not only significant now, but it will be quite significant later when you might be ready to retire and she's entering some of the more productive years of her career.

Mid forties, the age difference was heavily discussed when we started dating. I enjoy my line of work immensely, and when I do retire, I plan on taking up seasonal work until I either can not do it, die, or am asked not to. Quite honestly, retirement will most likely only occur via force (from one direction or another).

BraveSirRobin

Even if you assume that she can come up with a tactful way to express this, XWW is almost certainly going to lie. She's already playing your poor fiancee, who wants to connect with a person who can make sense of any part of your story. So there's no benefit to them being in the same room, but you go hard line and refuse to participate, it would be reasonable for her to wonder what you're still hiding.

A rock and a hard place. It's the only reason why I will be going through with whatever ends up happening. Yes, I will fight, and do my best to change the circumstances under which it happens; but, ultimately, I'll be going along with it.

Are there documents, court records, former friends, anyone/anything you can use to prove your story without the help of XWW? Things your fiancee can independently verify, rather than relying on someone who obviously has an agenda in tracking you down?

Yes. Been trying to get those records, but the people I have been talking to seem to be unable to grasp that I changed my name after I left. Friends? No. I don't remember any of their numbers after eleven years. The lawyer who handled my divorce has since passed, and his practice went up his son's nose, whose currently in jail.

Oddly, the XWW has been verifying the things I have been telling my fiance. Well, the true ones. Early on, my fiance was just as suspicious as I am after XWW confirmed a lot of the horrible things I had told her. But she still wanted to believe XWW's claims of wanting to apologize. So we fed her a false story about a good trip after DDay 1.

She told the truth, and even some bits of it that I hadn't known. Like on her hikes for space, she meeting up an AP in the woods for a quickie.

She bought herself some good will from fiance, and completely surprised me. I have no doubt that she's still the same asshat she always was, but I have no clue what she could possibly want.

ZenMumWalking

I think your fiancée is INSANE for thinking the solution to her problem is meeting your XWW instead of dumping you and running for the hills.

Her waking up one day and thinking this, is a distinct possibility. It's one that I dread, but if it's what my fiance needs and/or wants, than its what I'll adhere to.

Buster123

what's next an ex-boyfriend she will insist you meet ? wanting to become pals with your XWW ? This should be a clear cut case of you telling her NO, that you will NOT be forced to meet the one person who distroyed your life PERIOD, no questions asked, end of story.

We were friends for nearly five years before we started dating, so I know most of her recent exs. One is actually still a close friend of ours.

allusions

If it were me I'd be furious with her for putting you in that situation.

Don't get me wrong, I am angry. But as mad as I am at my fiance, I'm ten times as mad at my XWW. Let's say she's remorseful, for a second. Who looks at pictures at the person they hurt, in such manner that the person told them that never wanted to see them again. Who you haven't seen in over a decade, and thinks "Hey, I should go apologize!"

And I'm twice as mad at myself than I am at my XWW. If this portion of my life had been, a thought, or properly dealt with... This entire situation wouldn't exist. That's the worst part, in the end, it's entirely my doing.

My fiance and I have been quarantining since March, and we've had to rebuild our daily routine since March 23rd, when XWW made first contact, and my lies/self defence/Variance of truth, came back to bite us in the ass. We have since settled into a new routine, which has been upset again.

We usually eat breakfast, then spar with each other a bit (not a verbal spat, we both practice Arnis, as I stated before). Sparring is a bit like a dance, you have to read your partner and respond accordingly. Well, I was pissed about this whole situation. Mad my XWW, mad at my fiance, mostly mad at myself, and I fucked up today and misread my one of my fiance's strikes, earning me a bruised cheekbone. No real damage has been done, just some swelling and moderate amounts of pain, despite medication. So our daily sparring sessions are on hold for now. Just another piece of my current life that I lost due to my past actions, and a source of relaxation I that my fiance no longer to experience for the time being.

But as mad as I am at my fiance, I'm ten times as mad at my XWW.

And you should be a gazillion times more mad at YOURSELF. Face it, YOU are the one that got this particular ball rolling by not being completely honest at the outset. If you had explained everything then this proposed meeting would have most likely been a non-starter. Fiancée would have no need to deal with your lunatic XWW.

Do you have a pattern of deflecting blame/responsibility?

If you had been 100% honest with your girlfriend, now fiance (and you've been dating/together going on 8 YEARS, so you've had plenty of time to be honest), this would be a non-issue.

She wants to meet with your XWW because she doesn't feel she's gotten the full story. And why should she feel she has it NOW? It's been going on 8 YEARS and I'm sure you've had plenty of opportunities to bring this up.

But you didn't.

So now, getting the details she should have had to begin with from YOU become important to her (as they should be) and she feels your XWW is going to provide that.

I don't see anything good coming from a meeting with your XWW.

Were you ever in IC after your divorce? I think it would be helpful to you, and I also think down the road, couples counseling could be helpful as well.

I wouldn't be getting married in August under these circumstances. I'd wait until things are on much more solid footing before I made that commitment.

This is a huge trauma to her and you're ANGRY AT HER? Dude, you need to take ownership of your issues and realize that this started with you not being 100% totally honest with her about your past.

Cat

Your fiancé didn’t flat out ask you if you had previously been married? I’ve been divorced for about a year & a half, and by the second date, every woman I’ve dated asked about my prior marital history in such a way that failing to mention my prior marriage would have been utterly dishonest.

Is your fiance in the habit of inviting dangerous people into her life? Because that's what she's doing - in the name of "needing to know"

People who want to apologize do not engage in the stalking behavior your Ex has done. She's prying her way back into your life come hell or high water.

This needs to be a hard line. Rather than a meeting, a cease and desist letter from an attorney needs to be delivered. Since your fiance has already given away vital information like where you live (since ex is traveling to meet you), your fiance has probably also given away your new name and other vital info and it's only a matter of time before you have a new neighbor.

Shut this down. Don't wait a week. Fiance needs to understand this is relationship breaking if she allows or insists on being Pandora.

I would suggest that you have no reason to meet with your XWW. If your XWW wants to meet you to apologize or something like that, if she was caring about you, she wouldn't be forcing the face to face meeting.

I would suggest you tell your fiance that you are willing to do couples counseling as long as necessary to rebuild any broken trust. Her forcing you to meet XWW is a hindrance to you and your relationship. She is not qualified to tell you that it is necessary for closure. You should not be forced to do this in any way.

I think your fiancée is INSANE for thinking the solution to her problem is meeting your XWW instead of dumping you and running for the hills.

Not telling her that you were married before is a MASSIVELY significant lie. Face it dude, you didn't 'forget', you just didn't want to bring it up.

Don't try to defend the indefensible, it just makes you look worse.

I'm with ZenMumWalking.

Were you a spy in your previous life XDoe5, sent on life threatening missions to save the world?

Moving all the way across the continent and changing your name is fairly drastic. Also, fairly unforgettable.

You're a walking red flag. Please go get some counseling.

Like I said, you were wrong in not disclosing you were previously married to your fiance, however 2 wrongs don't make a right and your fiance has absolutely no right to force you meet the woman who destroyed your life 13 years ago, again if you roll over on this it would create a bad precedent for your M, there's absolutely NO reason for you to do it. If your fiance is so eager to talk to your XWW, tell her to do it over the phone/face time, there's absolutely NO reason to meet in person.

She wants to meet the ex because she has gotten more truth from her than you about your past. I don’t blame her. Personally I would at the very least postpone the wedding and hire myself a private investigator if I were your fiancé.

How in the hell have you been with a woman for EIGHT YRS (and you're engaged to) not know you were married before??

Quit trying to spin this as you just "forgot" to mention it.

It's LYING by omission!!!

If your fiance was smart, she should forget about wanting to meet your ex, AND she should also kick you to the curb.

What happened to you in the past is certainly horrible but to find love again and have it built upon lies says a great deal about your character.

Your fiance should be thinking "if he's lied about this what else is he lying about"??

Someone that had to deal with lies and deception should understand about honesty but you didn't learn jack shit from your previous betrayal as you've built a pretty serious relationship (serious enough that you're engaged) on a HUGE LIE!!

Is it F'ed up that your ex stalked your fiance and wants to meet up? YES!!

EIGHT FREAKING YEARS of being together and you NEVER told her you were married previously??

In my defense, I haven't thought about my XWW, or my hometown, or my old friends for years.

Have you got counseling to deal with any of this? Whatever went down with your ex was so extreme that you completely walked out of your old world. You moved away, you changed your name and you were able to compartmentalize it all to a part of your brain where you didn't even think about it anymore.

That is your brains own defense mechanism protecting your inner self.

You disappeared and made the whole scenario disappear in your mind.

I do not believe that closure has anything at all to do with seeing this ex...ever. There is a reason you felt you had to take such extreme measures all those years ago. Don't reopen those scars with her. Do it independently with the help of a counselor.

I have been through some wacky ex's in my time. I get it...stalkers, restraining orders, police, safe centers, lawyers, etc. No good can come from meeting up with a wacky ex that is STILLLLL trying to track you down all these years later. SHE is the one that lacks closure. She is using your fiancé as prey to reach you.

Yes - this is all your fault but you know that. Honest communication about this years ago would of stopped all of this. But you can't undo it.

I would again tell your fiancé that your ex is not a healthy person and you will not let her back into your world. That you are more than willing to work through this with your fiancé with a counselor as it pertains to you moving forward but there is no reason that should include seeing or speaking to the ex.

Your fiancé has every reason to be scared of this entire situation. She has no reason to trust what you are saying now and, unfortunately, your ex is a predator and has found a fresh victim. Get professional help to navigate all of this.

(I have been checking on this thread for two weeks but was unable to find the right words. It totally boggles me. But I hope all of you can find healing and peace.)

File a fast no contact order on the ex! Make it clear to your fiancé why you changed your name and why you escaped this person.

Ease up folks. He has explained how traumatic the marriage, and divorce was, and the extreme measures he took to escape from it.

It obviously was hugely traumatic. Life changing.

These type of emotional experiences you just do not dump out there. You feel tainted from it.

His experiences are something similar to what others who have been abused go through. Most abused divulge there abuse after a period of time. Some, not at all.

Bud, you will need counseling for this.

Your ex.. yep..stay as far away from her as you can, if that is what is required to continue your healing. Meeting the ex is for her benefit, not yours.

Lastly, your fiancee's response to this is concerning. She is showing more empathy to the ex, then to you.

And there conversations. Divulging about liaisons that had occurred. Red flag.

Your ex has tainted your current relationship. You and your fiancee both, and rightly so, are showing red flags that will effect your relationship if both of you do not address it.

Another point. My friend. You appear to be too much of a 'person pleaser'. You sound like you are always trying to appease others. Not always a good quality. Be careful. Others will continue to abuse you.

Learn to put your foot down when you need to.