SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can appreciate having trouble blending families - I have zero interest in blending kids under one roof and that lead to more than one relationship fizzling before it really began because the men didn't want to live separately for years.

However, I did find an incredible man last year that wants exactly what I want - to have a good relationship, each of our children takes priority (for now, at least until they are no longer minors), have fun with both families but then go to our own homes. He lives 20 minutes away, so it isn't super close but not too far either. I went on a LOT of first dates to find him, because my goal was a compatible relationship and not just a relationship (which was my focus before I listened to Breaking the Dating Code on Spotify). My children are with me 100% of the time, but they are now 18yrs old and 15yrs old. He has his kids one week on, one week off (sometimes more) so we see each other every other Saturday night (overnight) and every Tuesday evening (not overnight). If we get more time, great. If we don't, we text constantly and keep our relationship going. We've now been together 15 months and I can see myself ultimately staying together with him.

Keep your standards high! I was so lonely in my marriage, that being alone and happy is so much better than a relationship for the sake of a relationship.

She was so wonderful the first 8 weeks. Sadly, she was putting on an act that she couldn’t keep up.

My best friend and I like to call this "The Representative" stage. This is when you first meet someone and everything appears perfect and rosy, but it's not the "real" and "true" them. It's their representative. Much like when an affair starts. It's all perfect until it isn't. Once the shine wears off, you see who you are really dating.

Good for you. Good that you were able to keep you wits about you and your radar up.

Thanks twicefooled and Evertrying.

I appreciate the responses and advice. I'm a "fixer", and I hate when anything in my life is sub-optimal. If I let myself get a little out of shape, I recognize it and eat healthier and exercise until I'm back to where I want to be. If something is off at work, I analyze the issue and figure out how to adjust. For a while now, it's been my relationships that have been non-optimal. I'm trying so hard to fix that, and I just want one of these to work. First it was my exWW cheating and ending our marriage. Then, after 2 years of dating duds, I thought I had met a woman I really loved - we dated for 2-1/2 years before she unceremoniously dumped me at the end of 2020, only to find out that she had been cheating on me. I've dated a few women this past year prior to this last woman, but I really felt a strong connection to the recent ex. I know I made the right decision, but I just wish she were the woman she presented herself to be in the beginning.

I think you are lucky, she showed you her real self only after 2 months and you recognized it was not a fit. Good for you. This is you setting standards and dealbreakers. The woman who meets those standards will be good with you for a long time.

Put yourself out there again. Have fun.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:28 PM, Saturday, December 11th]

Thanks Tallgirl. I needed to hear that.

So, an update on the situation:

After 3 weeks of no communication between us, the exGF reached out the Sunday before Christmas to say she was shocked that I didn't even check on how she was doing after the surgery she had on 12/16. We broke up 11/26. I told her I was worried about her but didn't reach out because after our breakup, she defriended me on social media, so I didn't think she would have been receptive to any communication from me. I asked how she was doing. She said that she was in a lot of pain and pretty much immobile since the surgery. A few days later, a common friend reached out to me and said she was sorry to hear about the breakup, and that she thinks I should reach back out to exGF. I told her that I did, and that the ball was in her court. The day after Christmas, exGF's best friend's boyfriend reached out to me and said similar condolences. Again, I responded the same way - that I was sorry my relationship ended, and that I think exGF and I had lots to discuss.

The following day (a week ago Monday), exGF and I were messaging back and forth most of the day and then a little the following day. She seemed interested in wanting to talk, but said that she really needed to focus on her health after her surgery.

I found out yesterday that she has set her FB relationship status to "In a relationship" with a new dude. WTF??? I broke up with her 5 weeks ago, and she had major surgery less than 3 weeks ago. How does that happen that fast??? And why would she be communicating with me the past couple weeks if she was dating some other dude?

Only thing I can come up with is that she was mad that I was the one who broke up with her, and she wanted to lure me back so she could be the one to end things?

I'm just floored. I guess I dodged another bullet, and I can say that I did in fact make the right decision ending things 5 weeks ago. But WOW, just WOW!

I surprised you were considering giving it another chance.

Only thing I can come up with is that she was mad that I was the one who broke up with her, and she wanted to lure me back so she could be the one to end things?

That may be a bit of a negative view of it. She obviously had discussions with her friends about still wanting GTS. I'm a one at a time guy like I suspect you are, but that's not universal in todays online dating world. Some talk and date with multiple people up until the exclusive conversation is had. It's possible that this new guy came on the scene post surgery but never made it off the potential list.. You were broken up but still on the potential list a couple of weeks ago. Apparently she promoted new guy to "in relationship with" status instead of you. Something obviously made her choose new guy whether something said in your text storm last week or something new guy did. With her it could have just been a random whim. Either way, it still really seems like a bullet dodged.

Thanks grubs. I never felt right after breaking up with her, even though I know it was the right thing to do. Just too many crazy things that happened in a 3 week span. I felt bad that she was having a major surgery and that she had a crazy home remodel going on, and I was trying to make those excuses as why she acted so bizarre. The first 8 weeks were so amazing, that I really wanted to recapture that.

Your theory is certainly plausible. When she and I first started dating, she said she wanted to be exclusive and that she didn't share well. So, we had that talk pretty early on. She had switched her FB profile pic to a photo of the two of us after we had been dating for 2 months. That's what is weird. I know I can't get into the head of other people, but it just seems super fast. Maybe she met this guy after I broke up with her and prior to her surgery. Maybe she spoke with her friends before things heated up with this guy. Maybe this guy is someone she knew before but never dated? Just seems odd.

What I don't understand is why I got so hung up on someone that I only dated for 2-1/2 months, and that I've been broken up with for 5 weeks now? And I'm still flustered over this. I wanted to move on and forget her, but I had this bizarre draw to her. Prior to seeing that she's already in a relationship, I would definitely have given it another shot. But, it probably would not have ended well, so perhaps this is God protecting me from myself?

I'm just bummed out.

GTS have you checked out Breaking the Dating Code? It's a podcast on Spotify (which you can listen to for free if you aren't a subscriber).

It changed the way I approached dating. Like you, I was looking for a long term partner and was tired of wasting my time. The podcast helped me to keep the emotion out of dating until I figured out if we were a good match. It sounds counter-intuitive, but emotions only cloud things when you are getting to know someone. Watching action and not listening to words is another good thing I learned.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. So I did something different and ended up finding a true partner <3

Thanks twicefooled. I'll check it out. I'm not sure why this has me so wound up, but it just does. I only dated her for a short period of time (2-1/2 months), and I was the one who ended the relationship because there were glaring red flags that I couldn't accept, but I definitely fell for her, and my emotions are running wild right now.

I found out yesterday that she has set her FB relationship status to "In a relationship" with a new dude. WTF??? I broke up with her 5 weeks ago, and she had major surgery less than 3 weeks ago. How does that happen that fast??? And why would she be communicating with me the past couple weeks if she was dating some other dude?

It sounds outright narcissistic

It’s exactly that beginning charade that terrifies me. I divorced a covert narcissist. When I hear of these experiences. It scares me. I know I’m not ready to date.

Been separated and divorced almost 4 years. Nothing close to dates. Covid has made that a certainty. And bad experiences in divorce.

Everyone puts their best face on in the beginning. It’s impossible to know the difference. I just don’t want to keep experiencing the let down. Still not ready. Can’t play.

Maybe he wasn’t so new. Maybe she knew him before and rekindled things with him. Maybe they were talking all along.

After all. She was interested in rekindling with you. For a while. I think she keeps extras lined up. Picks who she wants. Whoever is buying her false self.

Your shock. Your confused feelings. Narcissist leave people shaken and confused. Her fake first months , all look narcissist. And yes. They are very appealing in the beginning

Consider yourself very lucky

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 2:54 AM, Friday, February 4th]

Cancuncrushed, yep, I think you're right. My ex-wife was an overt narcissist. I dated a woman for 2-1/2 years and that ended a little over a year and a half ago, and she was a covert narcissist. This last one I believe had narcissistic tendencies, but plenty of other issues.

I learned on Friday that the relationship with the new guy ended. A friend of mine actually knows his ex-wife, and the ex-wife volunteered the information to my friend without knowing about me. My recent exGF has an unusual last name which makes it memorable. Anyhow, apparently the new guy was head over heels after just 3 weeks, which kind of lines up with her NOT cheating on me. But over time, my exGF started raging at him and they had lots of crazy fights, including her throwing things at this guy. He broke up with her right after valentines day.

Part of me feels good that this relationship failed, so that I don't feel like it was me who was the reason my relationship failed. But that's a terrible outlook, and I feel awful that I take any pleasure in this relationship failing.

Certainly there must be good people out there who I can date. I just haven't found them yet.