SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What's strange is that as much as there is pain and heartbreak, there is a part inside of me that is a little bit relieved. I'm starting to consider what my life could be life without someone like her in it, someone who could cause me so much distress and discard me so easily, and that new life is not looking too bad at all. Although, I'm sure there will be ups and downs with my emotions over the next months.

@Flounder, your quote above is an outstanding perspective, and one that took me a lot longer than you to achieve. Yes there will be ups and downs in emotions, moments of self doubt, but make no mistake it does get better.

Wish you the best.

If you have no kids and she has serious boundary issues then divorcing her is the right option. You are still young and you can find better and safer person.

You are completely right.

She has to come back fully of her very own self initiated accord. Her return to you and the marriage must be organic, natural, wholehearted and enthusiastic. Anything less will lead you into false R.

So, begin by turning away from her 180 degrees and begin contemplating the next promising chapter of your life. This should include a visit to your attorney’s office to see what divorce looks like. Fortunately you’re young, no kids, only married five years.

You have to move as fast as possible, go NC with her because when her fantasy comes crashing down, she will try to claw her way back.

On it. Not looking forward to the financial ramifications of this but I need to move my life forward now. At this point I'm so disgusted by her behavior I honestly don't think I would even want to try again.

Did you have any hobbies that you gave up when you married?

Do you have some friends that you sort of ignored while you were married... instead you were doing things with your wife other than hanging out with your friends?

I do actually. Thank you. This is great advice. Something to look forward too.

There’s a good chance that after she’s been thrown into the AP’s arms he will get cold feet and dump her. Make sure she doesn’t come back to you as a concession, as if you’re Plan-B. You want to ensure that you’re considered Plan-A of plans A through A.

I don't think I would want her back, and especially not if her new man dumps her and she tries to reconcile down the line in desperation. I'm feeling pretty done. Just hope I can hold that nerve.

As others have said, she has been rewriting the history of your marriage to entitle her to cheat and while she’s been cheating she has been insidiously siphoning the life force from your marriage.

Yes this is it. She has been siphoning the life force from our marriage (and me by extension because I put so much energy into the marriage). Now I'm going to focus that energy towards my future.

@Flounder, your quote above is an outstanding perspective, and one that took me a lot longer than you to achieve. Yes there will be ups and downs in emotions, moments of self doubt, but make no mistake it does get better.

Thank you for this. I really hope so.

Check with your attorney on abandonment-different lengths on different states.

Document her A. In my state, A makes WS not eligible for alimony.

Property settlement will be 50/50 or somewhere close. As stated above, guilt could drive a better settlement.

OBS can help fill in blanks on documentation.

Be extremely careful if if the A blows up and she comes running back. Sex will derail the D-you have to start over in my state. Women do come back if it looks like they forgot something to start D over.

Keep it in you pants until D.

If you decide to R, have divorce attorney draw up a post-nuptial.

I would predict if you tell OBS, the A comes crashing down quickly. Either he will tell WW she was a good-time girl, but he is staying with OBS, or they will move in together and find out they are not the dream couple. It’s hard to be Prince Charming when you are sick, hurt, bad day at work-life shit.

Hugs Bro

Flounder, I just want to say that you have been heard and I fully commiserate.

I am one year out (just about!) and I want you to know that it does get better. This is a grief process akin to a death in the family, and the only thing that helps it is time.

Also know that 100%, you caused none of this. These people are completeyl broken and have no boundaries. Whatever problems you MAY have had in your relationship, you don't invite an arsonist in to fix a dripping tap and then wonder why your house burned down. That's what these waywards do.

@goingtomakeit - thank you for the practical advice. This is really useful and I appreciate it.

Also know that 100%, you caused none of this. These people are completeyl broken and have no boundaries. Whatever problems you MAY have had in your relationship, you don't invite an arsonist in to fix a dripping tap and then wonder why your house burned down. That's what these waywards do.

Thanks for saying this. I would be lying if I said there are not moments where I think, 'what did I do wrong?' or 'I should have tried harder at x'. Hiring an arsonist to fix the dripping tap is a great analogy for what I feel like she did. Actually it feels a bit more like she hired an arsonist to fix the dripping tap, without telling me, and then left me in the house to burn.

Her boundaries are really non-existent now that I look back on things and that makes her an unsafe partner and not someone I want in my future. However, the thing that is really confusing me is that the more sure and certain I get about this, the more some people around me are starting to say 'it's too soon to make a decision' and 'it's all still fresh, don't rush into anything' and 'it's not over yet, both of you need time' and 'you need to hear her side of the story' etc. It's messing with my head a bit.

You already know her side to the story. If she's unhappy she can have sex with someone else because she deserves it. Listen too the wisdom on this site and not to those that just want to smooth this over and get back to how things used to be.

So, I would say it's okay to take some time to heal some from this trauma, before filing. But if you know your own mind unfetteted by reactionary rage, there is no reason to delay moving forward to D. I filed soon after my Dday and ended up in R several months later after my WW demonstrated consistent actions to prove she wanted our M and dealt with her issues.

As for listening to her side. There is nothing she can say to justify cheating. Period. If she was unhappy in your M she had legitimate options to resolve them or file for D. The only thing she can say of value is how she is going to work on her brokenness that allowed her to cheat.

You are not a perfect spouse. Your WW is not perfect either. Being unfaithful does nothing to address any marital issues. Any excuse she has for cheating is just a rationalization to try and justify the inexcusable.

Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:51 AM, Monday, June 26th]

Devil's advocate question here: If she came back and convinced you she will change from cheater to good partner, what would you do?

'She couldn't convince me' isn't a valid answer to the question - this is a 'what if?' question about your gut-level desire.

Listen too the wisdom on this site and not to those that just want to smooth this over and get back to how things used to be.

You are not a perfect spouse. Your WW is not perfect either. Being unfaithful does nothing to address any marital issues. Any excuse she has for cheating is just a rationalization to try and justify the inexcudable.

Very true. Good reminders, thank you.

Devil's advocate question here: If she came back and convinced you she will change from cheater to good partner, what would you do?

'She couldn't convince me' isn't a valid answer to the question - this is a 'what if?' question about your gut-level desire.

This is a good question. I really tried to sit with this to figure out what I would actually do and feel.

I think I would still ask to go through with the divorce (or maybe separation leading to divorce) with the understanding that our marriage as we (or I) know it is dead. However, if I was really convinced that she could change, I would not tell her we could never be together again but that if we were to be, we would be starting our relationship again from scratch. I would not wait for her to 'get better.' I would move on with my life. If she was able to meet me halfway and we were both in the right place for something, maybe... but I don't know.

However, the thing that is really confusing me is that the more sure and certain I get about this, the more some people around me are starting to say 'it's too soon to make a decision' and 'it's all still fresh, don't rush into anything' and 'it's not over yet, both of you need time' and 'you need to hear her side of the story' etc. It's messing with my head a bit.

You know what, my first D-Day was in 2013. I gave her the gift of reconciliation, and what did it get me? Another 2 D-days in 2022. The fact that she is so evidently blase about her behaviour is telling. Her side of the story is irrelevant to your feelings. Even if the marriage/relationship was bad, nothing warrants sleeping with another person - ESPECIALLY one who is married in a relationship with kids themselves.

I went to some very dark places last year when I realised my world was crashing down around me, and that I'd done nothing to deserve it. I held a well paying FT job, was manning the house with 3 kids while she was away doing Navy courses, cooked, cleaned, kept myself fit, and you know what? It didn't matter one iota. She cheated with an absolute beta-male anyway.

But as my therapist said, 'this sounds rather course, but there is NOTHING you could have done. You could have been 90s Brad Pitt with a 10' dong, and she still would have cheated. She cheated because she can.' The same for your soon-to-be ex.

Also, a level of honour dictates that you inform the OBS. Even if you are bailing on her and calling it quits, exposing them to the OBS is not only the right thing to do, it is also the moral one. You sound like a good guy, you are going to have no problem meeting someone who deserves you mate.

Once they depart the marital premises to be with OP, imo.. it's OVER. Period. There is no coming (or crawling) back from that.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[This message edited by Clint at 6:29 AM, Monday, June 26th]

Flaunder

I tend to suggest people deal with reality with reality…
The idea to divorce as the first step in reconciling or creating a new marriage… not really reality…
To divorce you need to be in agreement regarding all debt, all assets… you need to spend money to change debts, assets, sales-fees, legal-fees… There will be inevitable arguments over if you deserve 55% of the house-asset because you paid the mortgage, or if she deserves 61% because she paid the grocery-bill enabling you to pay the mortgage…
It’s not an easy process and it seldom – if ever – brings a couple closer.

That’s just one example.
That overdraft/credit/debit card taken as a couple on a joint account? You and the house can be accountable for her spending or her non-payment or whatever. You might have the right to sue her, but that’s after the bank has knocked at your door and driven off in your vehicle…

Not likely? Well… how likely did you think it would be that she had an affair?

Look at it this way: You are asking a stranger to hold you wallet.

I don’t think there is any rush to divorce – to do the actual filing. But I do think that based on what you share it’s unavoidable. Therefore it only makes sense for you to use this time – the next weeks or so – to prepare.
That preparation can be anything from simply learning about the process, gathering the stack of info that will be required, changing names on accounts where possible, minimizing joint debt and even selecting an attorney.
Although there might not be a rush to file then I think your leeway to contemplate what’s going on isn’t much more than 6-8 weeks.

Have you met with a lawyer yet?

Good luck
And stay strong.

I promise it gets MUCH better the further away you get from her.

I tend to suggest people deal with reality with reality…
The idea to divorce as the first step in reconciling or creating a new marriage… not really reality…

The reality is, your wife has left the marriage. She has divorced herself from the marriage and was just too lazy to do the paperwork.

I would follow her lead until she changes course and convinces you that R is even an option. Divorce isn’t the first step in reconciling or creating a new marriage, NC IS, and that first step to R must be taken by her.

I do agree with Bigger that you don’t need to run immediately to the attorney’s office, but a good first step would be formal notifications in the form of, for example, Bigger’s "Not As My Wife" Letter. This is a great template for a Fair Warning, cease and desist letter notifying her that if she doesn’t go NC and return the marriage, you’ll be have no other option than to file. This is a great first step in a phased departure from infidelity. Each step keeps you moving in the right direction, out of unnecessary limbo, towards a hopeful future. Each step should have timelines for objectives and expectations that keep you moving forward.

Thanks all for the advice. The wisdom here is incredible.

A brief update. We met up yesterday in a cafe and I informed my wife that I would like to divorce. I'm meeting with attorneys next. She didn't push back or anything and seemed resigned. I felt sorry for her, which I know I shouldn't, because it's clear she hasn't been looking after herself. We briefly discussed some of the terms and next steps and she was quite generous and fair - at least for now. We did not talk about our marriage or what happened. I have no idea if she is still with her AP or not.

Apart from that discussion we have had no contact at all. I guess it really is over. Friends are reaching out and are in shock. She's also shutting herself off from some of her old friends, from what I've heard.

Now that it's done and a decision has been made some of the numbness is wearing off for me.

It's really starting to hit me and I'm struggling a bit with how she can throw away what was, in my opinion, a good marriage with a good future. All the good memories and our plans for the future are starting to flood back and I'm struggling to deal with the pain of it. But I know moving forward alone is for the best.

Once I have everything in writing and have consulted with an attorney I will tell the OBS.

I would not communicate any further about your plans.

Contact a couple of attorneys and let the one you choose do the talking.

She may be agreeable now, but anything could change.

Hang in there, lean on trusted family and friends, lean on SI, and lean on an IC.

Start reading some posts in the Divorce/Separation section, if you have any questions, members there can help you sort them out.

I'm so sorry! It's going to take time, but you will come out of this stronger and happy.

Sorry you're in pain. It's ok to grieve your future plans, the death of the relationship and who you thought she was. It's normal. I told myself that this phase was going to suck and that it was just a period of time to pass through to get to the other side. I worked on grief in IC for awhile, and found it helpful.

Hang in there - it does get better.

You said in an earlier post part of you felt relieved at the idea of divorce. Has there been more from her behavior wise you left out for some reason?

[This message edited by StillGoing at 6:38 PM, Thursday, July 6th]

Flounder, seems like you are on the only path forward that you have and it is the correct one IMO. It will be bumpy, you will second guess yourself sometimes. Stay the course. This is a chapter that is closing, you will be on to the next chapter soon enough.

You're young, with no kids, and are getting out of a marriage with someone in need of psychiatric care. You will see this as a gift. While I wasn't married, I had a long term relationship with someone very similar many years ago. She cheated on me and dumped me in an incredibly cruel manner, and I did the pick-me dance throughout until it was clear there was no hope. Sometime after, I began dating a wonderful woman that I eventually married and am still married to. We've been together 32 years, with three fantastic kids. I think back to that time in my life and just shake my head. I am so unbelievably fortunate that it turned out the way it did. You'll get there also.