SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think most of us had thoughts of horrible things happening to our AP and sometimes even our spouse. That’s just because they hurt us deeply and there’s this little need for some kind of retaliation in our brains. But we don’t act on it. We know that the only way forward is to abide by the law, get ourselves clear of infidelity, and look forward to a new and better life.

You will heal from all this. It takes much longer than any of us want. You might find it helpful to journal. Dump all of those thoughts out on the paper: your anger or your rage how much you hate them all of it. You need to push it out of yourself somewhere and that’s the best place for it doesn’t hurt to punch a pillow or two either .

Hang in there. Continue to be NC and do what you need to do to get visitation with your kids and a new job. I just keep going one day at a time.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 3:37 PM, Friday, August 11th]

Another kick. Yesterday I went to the bank to look into the mortgage details of a the apartment I have shared ownership of with WW. We rent it out and I collect the rent and pay WW who in turn pays the mortgage. Seems like for the last 5 +years she lied about the mortgage costs and has been saving the extra cash.

Who is this person? In a way it’s good because she clearly isn’t who I thought she was so detaching gets easier.

Let your lawyer know. You may need a forensic accountant because that extra cash is considered a marital asset.

This👆

A good lawyer will help you recover all that Squirreled away money. They can even come in after the D is final and help you recover funds discovered years after the fact.

Sounds like she could’ve been preparing her exit strategy for some time.

Have to say that there is immense improvement in your posts.
The first ones were all over and your goal unclear. Understandable, but because of that we might have been a bit firm on you to get you to focus.

Is the divorce going through in Sweden or the UK? Where did you marry and where was your last legal address together?
I think (based on a Swede I helped on this site some years ago) that the process is quite straightforward in Sweden. I seriously doubt you will get your moneys worth in going for the misplaced rent unless it wasn’t reported to the tax-authorities (Sweden and most of Europe are harsh on that…) but even then you would probably be considered just as "guilty" since you are married.

I would suggest you be as realistic as possible: All joint property valued and sold and/or paid for so that it’s no longer joint. It’s either yours or her.

I’m going to push for video calls with my kids at a family centre so I don’t have contact with WW. My kids are 6 and 8 and they’ll have a lot of confusion and questions about why I left. I don’t want to upset them more than necessary and I also don’t want to lie to them.

I was thinking of saying something like "I don’t want to talk to mummy anymore because she lied to me and wants to be with another man instead of me. She still loves you both and you can come and see me whenever you want ".

I have a session with a trauma counsellor tomorrow so will also ask her if she thinks it’s too much for kids of that age. I don’t know what, or if I should tell them about the paternity tests. I was thinking just to do the swabs and tell them it’s for covid.

An update of sorts. I had a meeting with a lawyer last week and she will take my case. We’re going to try a straight forward horse trade. ExWW can keep house, contents, car. I want the apartment I hope she agrees so I can move on.

I’m still following up with the family court to get video calls with my kids at a family centre.

I went on my first tinder date on Thursday and it went pretty well as I didn’t get back until Friday. She seems very nice but I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship at this point. I’m trying to balance enjoying the company and not leading anyone on.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 8:58 AM, Monday, January 22nd]

JJN

Hi. I am sorry you have been through hell

I think everything Bigger and others told you is spot on.

A couple of thoughts.

Your kids. Do NOT say anything negative to your kids. These are adult problems, they already have enough to deal with as the or world has changed. Just show them that you love them, and tell them that you want to be with them and you are doing your best to make that happen.

It is really to early to date, I wouldn’t advise it. It is a distraction right now.

I hope you are going to a counsellor. You have a lot on your plate and need the support it offers.

Continue to heal and post here.

All the best

She has accepted my lawyers offer of house for flat. Feel mixed about it, it’s a way to move on but the speed she accepted it was upsetting.

I am working on letting go of resentment. Easier said than done. Someone said holding a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get ill. That’s pretty accurate.

Be kind to yourself because healing from infidelity takes years. Feeling resentment at this point is normal, and should be expected. Just find a healthy way to get rid of the resentment, anger, etc.

In many ways the speed is a blessing. The sooner you can go no-contact with her, the sooner you establish your future form of relationship with the kids… the sooner your personal healing starts.
I get it that you might feel like yesterdays fish, but remember she’s probably had longer than you to prepare for this marriage being dead. It’s not in good taste, but then not much she has done is. Just remember that if someone you know and are associated with does something morally wrong it doesn’t have to reflect on you – although in this case it definitely impacts you.

Your fresh start is your fresh start to heal and prosper.

Regarding the dating… If everyone is aware of the situation then I’m OK with that, but best of all would be for you to focus on finding your own happiness with yourself, rather than finding a crutch to lean on. Generally relationships right out of divorce are crutches.

Update from me:

I’ve now instructed lawyers to try and get me video visitation with my kids through a third party (exWW’s sister in law). If she refuses we go to court. We’ve heard nothing yet so I don’t know what is happening but hope she agrees. I’ve made it clear through my lawyers that I want no further contact with ex wife now. I want the property divided and contact with the kids that’s it.

You need to go through lawyers to video chat your kids?
Unbelivable

I don’t want any contact at all with my exWW. I tried to go through her mother but she wouldn’t do it. Now I’ve suggested using her sister in law to act as a third party. If she refuses we drag her to court.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 8:14 PM, Saturday, September 30th]

An update from me. I’m feeling sick from anxiety today. I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I had the first video call with my girls this week and have another one tonight. I have no contact with my ex apart from scheduling these calls. I would rather do this through my lawyer but was advised that it will look better in court if I try to arrange them myself.

We’ve asked for visitation for the kids to come to visit me but ex is weaponising my breakdown claiming she needs proof the kids will be safe with me. I’ve offered to swap the house for our flat but she wants a sum from me for the flat which she knows I don’t have.

I had an interview for a job that went well but no offer yet. I’m trying to disentangle from this hideous nightmare but nothing seems to be working for me right now. I’m just hanging in there for now hoping things will get better soon.

You have been heard. Stay the course. Best of luck with the job interview. Hopefully good things will happen. Enjoy your time with your children. You will get through this. I hope your attorney has a good strategy for your long term interests, especially custody. Good luck.

Just want to say I think you are doing really well, considering!

Not sure what you ended up telling the kids, but I think what you had planned to say was good. You want age-appropriate truth, and you need to be the one who is always honest with them because who knows what your ex will be telling them. And you want, if possible, some certainty to offer them, as soon as it can be worked out. Given their young ages, you can make it general. "Things will be different and I miss you both so much. I will speak to you once a week and see you during certain vacations".

Not having any contact with your ex is probably not sustainable long-term. But I think you have a good instinct for what you need right now, and I think it's ok to do that for your own sanity right now. When you do resume contact, you can keep it to kids, finances, logistics.

Definitely give yourself a break re: the messages you sent. We all go crazy initially. I initially saved salacious picture of my ex's AP with the intent of showing them to her daughter at some point. That was a long time ago, now I no longer have anything or even remember the AP's name, and I certainly would not hurt a kid in order to punish their parent. It was not in character, I was devastated and angry.

She is not worth your precious life. I promise you.

Please understand she will not get away with what she did to you. I promise you.

I was on this site a year ago (which seems like yesterday)

I know it’s painful. Believe me I know.

My husband cheated, gaslight me, abused me and tried to destroy me and our children. However it backfired.

I know it’s extremely painful right now but you will get through this. I’m still in therapy but I’m in a better place.

If going back to the UK gives you peace of mind, I recommend doing so (I’m also from the Uk but live in the states). My WH was from the U.S.

I pray you get through this. Keep posting on here. I found this very healing when I found my WH was cheating.

Thank you. I’m doing ok considering the circumstances. Everything has blown up for me, family, house , job gone.

I’m currently having regular FaceTime calls with the kids nearly every day. Only logistical texts with WW to arrange them.

I'm sorry that she has done this to you.

I have felt the pain and humiliation that you've suffered. The number one thing to understand is that none of it is your fault. It is the result of defects in her character or mental health. Whatever her problems were, there were a million ways that she could have handled them that didn't involve lying, cheating, and stealing from you and your children on so many levels.

Understand that a lot of what you have suffered and how you have reacted is the result of severe emotional trauma, past and present. I recommend reading "Cheating In A Nutshell." This shines a cold, hard light on cheaters and the impact they have on those they betray.

It sounds like you have arrived at a better path. Do not waste any more emotional energy lashing out at your WS or her family. An unremorseful WS is only going to use your anger as justification. Focus on the detaching. Focusing on yourself and your children. Extract whatever is rightfully yours legally, then leave her to live with her lies and deceit.