SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it must be 300+ pages

WTH? When you said "manifesto" I imagined something like ten pages, single-spaced. Not 300! This is fascinating...

-----It is being "sold" as both sets of parents being perhaps their last healthy Christmas. ----

and then Hardy writes about the manifesto having some documents from a doctor regarding the exWW

(sorry I don't know how to quote previous messages)

I'm confused... is "both sets of parents" your kids' grandparents? Or is your exWW currently going through a health crisis (note from doctor)? And that is what is meant by being the last healthy Christmas for both of your kids parents?

You weren’t kidding when you said "Manifesto". Reminds me of the Unibomber 😳

Completed the manifesto.

Lowlights (cliff notes version)

323 pages

Blamed everything from hormones, mental issues, empty nest, loneliness, manipulation and can keep going. Like I said in a previous post there is even a doctor's note.

Included a timeline, guess she has a consultant as it seems to be quite the topic on every adultery forum.

Claims it got out of control, was manipulated and went off with Bundy knew it was a bad decision but was afraid of the consequences.

Bargaining that would make a Turkish carpet salesman blush. Offers everything under the sun, moon and stars (line from the manifesto).

Claims she has never been so unhappy in her life as she has been the last 5+ years. Offers anything to have a relationship again "regardless of the nature or definition of it, under any terms set forth by <me> ". I figure someone helped her with that phrase.

Unfortunately, not only did I did I not find anything to put this to rest which was my agenda in reading it, it clearly states that she will never give up trying to "atone for her behavior and actions" that has "changed my kind and trusting nature".

Bumbleflug.....

Dear Crazy XW,

The nature of the relationship that I desire with you is one of former spouse who betrayed my trust and with whom I no longer wish to interact in any capacity. You may atone for your transgressions by respecting my wishes.

Sincerely,
hardyfool

THIS ^^ !!

What Sacred Soul33 said times a million.

Actions ….. Meet consequences

Good luck

Dear XW,

I accept your apology.

The relationship I wish to have with you is that of a casual acquaintance with whom I will politely interact at rare, milestone events (weddings, funerals, births, etc) for our children or grandchildren.

The best way for you to demonstrate the sincerity of your remorse is by leaving me alone, which includes not using our children as proxies to contact or exert pressure on me.

Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes.

Sincerely,

HardyFool

Wow it’s insane that she is so determined to get you back. I must admit if my ex was that determined I’d probably give it a shot.

But I get why you don’t want to. Her efforts to manipulate you are quite gross. Why can’t she find someone else and start over instead of trying to drag you back into her toxic swamp.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 6:34 PM, Tuesday, December 12th]

Dear Crazy XW,

The nature of the relationship that I desire with you is one of former spouse who betrayed my trust and with whom I no longer wish to interact in any capacity. You may atone for your transgressions by respecting my wishes.

Sincerely,
hardyfool

This is a perfect response. Use it.

Yeah, that’s why I dumped my cheating wife…she didn’t get a doctor’s note.

Blamed everything from hormones, mental issues, empty nest, loneliness, manipulation and can keep going. Like I said in a previous post there is even a doctor's note.

Wow. So now its all better? Doesn't sound very inviting!

Yeah, that’s why I dumped my cheating wife…she didn’t get a doctor’s note.

Love the doctors note!
NO means no. Just write that.
Ex, no means no. Leave me alone.

Another snarky idea....

Get a doctor's note from your physician or therapist that says, "Talking to cheating ex-wife is bad for your health. Avoid unnecessary interactions."

A simple way out and a very clear message is to simply let family (as in the kids) know you have other plans for the holidays.
Go to Hawaii or Europe for a few days.

Yes – you might miss out on a day with your kids, but they seem determined to make it a terrible experience to you despite your clear stance of not wanting to be near their mom. You can make it up to them in Jan/Feb with a nice meal out.
I wouldn’t bother with any form of response to the Manifesto, nor would I respond to any interaction with your ex whatsoever.

Dude, you just read 323 pages of infidelity sewage in a marathon session, and you didn’t even get closure out of it. You feeling alright? Take care of yourself, hard to imagine that didn’t hurt.

My parents split (dad cheated and was a drunk), I can attest to the desire kids have to at least mitigate the scorn between parents, if only for the kids own convenience. You are going to have to self advocate to get anything you are happy with.

I have a slightly different take on this. Look, she wrote out 300 some pages and obviously took a long time and effort to complete this. Your kids probably know this too. She probably is feeling some remorse, regret, and for being so stupid in her actions. She has basically bared her soul to you and is wallowing in shame and pity. It is really tempting to kick her when she is down. In reality she deserves it for her actions.

I think however the smarter choice, and the most strategic is to acknowledge the work she put into it, but firmly convey to her that while you recognize how sorry she is, what she did caused far too much damage for you to ever have a meaningful relationship ever again. Who knows, maybe you will mellow and can somehow tolerate being in the same room with her. Like I said in my last post, there will be times when this is a necessity like weddings and grand kids birthday party. I still see my EX on various occasions but after so much time she realizes it’s game over for us. It took awhile, and though I didn’t get a manifesto, I got years of pleading. Drunk calls and texts, pressure from my kids, etc. I’m cordial but leave no space to give her hope.

Also your kids are probably aware of this piece of work. For you to blow it off strategically isn’t smart. They will have more respect for you if like I said acknowledge the work and feelings, but will never have a relationship other than as a co parent.

As far as holidays, do what you want. You shouldn’t be pressured into anything

He's already taken XW to dinner and heard her out. And told her no. She sent the manifesto right after that dinner. I have a feeling that if she knows he spent the time to read the documents that would only give her hope and spur her to keep trying.

He also made a point of spending a weekend with the kids to talk to them about this. They know he's not interested and will never be interested.

Ignoring her baited hook is the best way to go, IMO. My suggested response above was a joke, really. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I like Bigger's suggestion to take a vacation. I'd feel sad not being with my family on the holidays - unless I was distracting myself somewhere spectacular. lol

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:37 PM, Tuesday, December 19th]

I agree with WWTL.

Play the long game, the gracious but firm game.

It will pay dividends down the road with the kids and grandkids.

First, I appreciate the responses and I'm going to keep several of them in my back pocket.

I've been vacillating back and forth between jumping a plane to some place that didn't celebrate Christmas, The Maldives came to mind, to the point of having my travel agent put together some options. Or just going and solving it.

Running away or avoiding situations really hasn't been my style, and I'm not much for change at this point. I also have a reasonably thick skin so I can handle the XW, a few old people and the kids.

I have hopes it is nothing but a last hurrah of this whatever this is.

Otherwise I'll just have to lay it down in the open, while acknowledging her feelings, work, or progress as a human whatever it needs to be called. Hopefully this is take energy out her/them.

I will never be able to understand this whole situation, I haven't changed, I'm still boring, stubborn, unyielding and will never be able to tolerate foolishness, why so much effort on her part?