SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are doing the right thing. There is no rush. Take your time.

At some point when you feel you can you might want to say something like:

“I don’t want to hear any words from your mouth. I’m not ready for it. So just listen.

I need a partner that is in my corner. Will support and help me when I trigger from his infidelity. That will help me get out of a situation and not care what one other damn person thinks.

If you can’t be that person. Then perhaps it’s best we start going our separate ways.

But if you want to and think you can be that person, then I need a plan from you as to how you are going to learn to make it happen and make me safe in this relationship with you.

I do t want to hear excuses and reasons for what happened. I may never want to hear those.

Want I need is for you to show that you are understanding that you broke this and need a good plan to rebuild it. You have to lead that, not me.

So when you are ready, come to me, start with a real apology for what happened in this incident and a real plan to fix yourself and learn how to be the partner I need you to be.

If you need help from a therapist or friends or online research, then get it. But I will not listen to excuses or reasons right now. Not maybe ever.

Think hard on what you want. What you choose next will have a great effect on our lives "

Then let it be. Stop talking. Next time he's ready to talk remind him what you said, and if you’re ready, listen to what he has to say.

Hopefully it will be what you need. If not then maybe it’s best to start the process to go your own way.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:55 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

Sorry had to edit my message. It got truncated.

So an update. I tried do discuss this with him. It was a disaster just as I knew it would be. I had prepared him that I needed to discuss what happened, I needed to be able to express how hurt I felt and that I would need him to express some sort of apology and what he plans to do differently if this happens again. I asked him to chose a time when he felt he would manage to handle that discussion in a good way.

Immediately from the start he refused to see my point of view that it was a huge let down and traumatising to me. He just said he does not agree that he let me down. He doesn't agree with my point of view. I asked if I could read to him from this forum and the responses I have received from all of you so he might understand? No he did not want to hear other people's opinion on something they can have no complete understanding of the dynamics between us that impacted his reaction in the situation. I tried to get him to listen to me, he would not, I started screaming at him in frustration, to no avail, so I got up and left the room. And that was it.

So yeah. It pretty much went like I expected. Like I said. He does not do stuff like this well, or at all. He shuts down completely, turns into a mess every single time. It's been like this always, I expect it will always be like this. I just have to figure out of I can live with that or not.

My xWS reacted exactly like your WS and it caused huge fights between us and well eventually led to me leaving the M. That type of attitude caused me to lose any respect I had left for xWS and I held resentment towards him. Completely made me fall out of love and despise him instead.

He just said he does not agree that he let me down. He doesn't agree with my point of view.

How completely tone deaf of him. Makes me angry for you that he has not an ounce of empathy or understanding of the situation. Just completely turning the blame to you. It is completely wayward behavior to react this way to your pain. It's actually very narcissistic of him to deflect the blame to you for a situation he created.

I asked him the day after ... if he understood that the way he handled (or didn't handle) the situation was completely unacceptable? he said that yes he did and that he wanted to explain his reasons.

Immediately from the start he refused to see my point of view that it was a huge let down and traumatising to me. He just said he does not agree that he let me down.

Well, which is it, Mr Misery? You can't have it both ways. Either you did or you didn't let Misery down.

Sounds like he stewed on it and got defensive.

Maybe an MC session is in order? I always found that our MC was helpful in getting my H to understand where I was coming from. He was almost like a translator.

Misery, let me guess... you probably hear some variation of the following quite often:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I didn't do anything wrong; it's how you reacted that's the problem."

I definitely agree with your takeaway from this, which is that you now have to decide whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks this way.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:57 PM, Wednesday, February 28th]

Reading about DARVO was revolutionary for me. It sounds like your WH is a practitioner of this as well. I'm so sorry.

It's difficult to live with someone who can't take accountability for their actions. And it's maddening to try and rationalize with them.

It took me YEARS to realize that it wasn't that my H didn't get it, it's that he didn't want to get it. Until he wanted/wants to understand, he never will.

Well now you know he’ll never be the person you need him to be. That’s disappointing I know. I’m sorry.

It’s decision time for you. Do you want to live the remainder of your life with this person as he is? He doesn’t want to change or even get help. Maybe if you get good therapy you can grit it out with him.

If not. If you want to take control, then find a good lawyer to talk with. Find out your options and what D may look like. And also a good therapist to support you during this process.

I wish you well no matter what you choose.

he sat across from me on his phone pissed off that I was making a scene. Once we got out he was angry at me for making a scene, telling me I overreacted we hadn't even run into her in any way she was just in the same large space

He is NOT remorseful. This is such a tone deaf response, it bears no resemblance to a worthy partner. He should have immediately escorted you out, found the waitstaff and explained you were feeling unwell, paid for takeout if they could not cancel, and left. I would do this for my wife even if it was just some much more minor issue.

Think again about where he is in the reconciliation process.

[This message edited by standinghere at 8:35 AM, Saturday, March 2nd]

A a BS, you're willing to attempt Reconciliation, and figure out how to forgive the unforgivable..and all of which that entails..

And your ws can't even muster up some empathy for a woman he claims to love,his WIFE, when she is basically face to face with the woman he cheated on her with..and is far more concerned with what strangers are thinking..and is EMBARRASSED by his wife responding(very,very normally) to a situation he created.

You're willing to put yourself through emotional Hell( attempting reconciliation)..and he can't even consider your feelings in that moment.

This man is unworthy of the gift of reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:25 AM, Sunday, March 3rd]

I would do this for my wife even if it was just some much more minor issue.

Very well said. I would do that. I bet you would too, OP. What is so wrong with our partners? I wish I knew, but I can see all the way from over here that your husband is wildly missing the mark.

Another update. After giving us both some more time to calm down I said to my H a couple of days ago that I still feel I need more from him on this subject, but that as I know he has difficulty having these discussions without shutting down and us spiralling, might he write me instead? he thought that was a good idea.

So after a few hours I received in writing a message from him where he said that he understands why I feel disappointed and betrayed by the way he handled the situation and apologised for his behaviour. He gave som short explanations as to what went on for him but acknowledged that no matter that, he should have handled the situation differently and that he should have seen me and my pain and put them first instead of shutting down in panic. He explained what I do already know about him, that he often instinctively shuts down all feelings in stressful situations in order to handle/survive the situations (I have seen him do this many times in panicky situations when our kids have been hurt etc and in these situations I have been the one to take charge since he has been unable to, however now that I was the one coming apart there was no one to take charge) but that he is aware that this is an unhealthy and unhelpful coping mechanism he needs to work on with himself. He said he wants to be able to see me and give me and my feelings more space and to help me feel safe.

So I guess it's a start of sorts. For a completely shut down super avoidant like him, this is a big deal even though for me it's perhaps 'a bit too little a bit too late'. But I acknowledge that it's progress, however small and slow. And obviously these words aren't the same thing as changed behaviour so it's wait and watch to see if he starts making the changes he says he wants to make. This week since the big disaster in the restaurant has been surprisingly good despite my disappointment in him. He has been acting very sweet and loving and supportive, much more so than in the past months and he has returned more to the behaviour he showed early on after DD, I do believe that is him trying to show he understands he needs to change and is trying. I am hopeful, but watching him carefully.

For now, I guess this is me coming once again to the decision of, right now, despite it all, I'm better off with him than without him. Time will tell if that stays the same or not.

I hope you do exactly what is best for you.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 11:40 PM, Monday, March 4th]