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Pink

My wife’s best friend has been divorced for... wow... 15-20 years? Her ex husband suffers from mania-depression and substance abuse. They have 3 kids that are now all somewhere between 25 and 40 years old.
For years there would be some connection... Nothing physical, nothing relationship or relational based. But more that she (the friend) would be running around town paying his debts, getting him out of jail, giving him a couch to sleep on when he was homeless and so on. He tried to take his life every now and then, was hospitalized every now and then... Basically a one-sided relationship where he made withdrawals at her emotional expense.

It took her immense courage and strength to detach. I think the clincher was when she was refused admission to the ER because – as a FORMER wife – she had no legal connection to him. Sort of like society shaking her by the shoulders and screaming "why are you doing this? You fired him years ago!"

In some ways the kids took over the role. Heck... last Christmas the had to take turns sitting with him in ICU. He owed the wrong people money, and had a tube shoved up his behind, strands of barbed wire into the tube and up his a... and then the tube withdrawn... This guy –now has a stoma and lives mainly on soups and mush (in between his sips of whatever booze he can get).

Although the situation impacts the grown kids his ex-wife – my wife’s friend – has managed to detach. If the next call she gets is about his passing – due to lifestyle, by his own hand or murder – she knows she has no role or no responsibility...

Took my wife’s friend maybe 10 plus years to reach this stage and realize this. Ten hard years.

I hope that if/when this ends in divorce you realize, accept and learn to settle with that his actions are his actions.

If the next call she gets is about his passing – due to lifestyle, by his own hand or murder – she knows she has no role or no responsibility...

I guess I do feel some responsibility, whether I truly do have responsibility or not is something I'm grappling with. And is why I'm still helping him somewhat.

He spent 2 years emotionally involved with another woman. I ended the relationship. She ended their relationship. He attempted suicide and I refused to allow him to return home when he was released from hospital. He was displaced and basically homeless I guess. I just knew that if I allowed him back into the home, we'd be going through another cycle of somebody with BPD. I've been through enough cycles over 17 years. NO MORE.

He is finding it difficult to get somewhere to live due to the housing crisis here. He does have veteran's programs helping and assisting him. Most of his possessions are still here. Because he is having so much difficulty, I have felt guilty and that is why I allow his stuff to still be here.

When the hospital called me on the weekend, they were trying to find SOMEONE to get in touch with his family. They found my name in the hospital records. I gave as much background as I could, but then messaged his granddaughter who is the only family member in contact with him, and also a good friend of his who lives too far away to visit. Sort of handed it over to them.

The universe was looking out for me in some way, as just as I got the call from the hospital, positive test results for whooping cough came through for me. That rendered me unable to go and visit him. I just hated that he has NOBODY. Self inflicted I guess.

That is awful what happened to your friend's ex (barbed wire etc - who even thinks of that stuff???)

Whooping cough - negative review. Zero stars. Do not recommend.

[This message edited by PinkBerry at 10:14 PM, Monday, November 18th]